It's this lump in my throat that seizes to be swallowed.
The missing thoughts in my mind that keep me from reality.
There are burns on my wrist from the ropes that bind them.
My mouth is shut tight from the tape that conceals it.

It's the screaming in my head and the ringing in my ears.
The shake in my hands and the ache in my feet.
There is a burning in my muscles from the tension in my body.
My deserted frame is collapsing.

It's the filth in my bones that wont wash away.
The haunt of 2:00 am that relentlessly feeds this exhaustion.

I’ve never known an emotion like this.
One that makes my stomach flip.
My hair stand up.
My body turn to ice.
One that turns my mind to mush.
The constant static in my thoughts disappears and silence over whelms my being.
I can feel my stomach crawling up my chest and into my throat.
My planted feet become so weak as i try and grip so tightly on reality.
“It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real.” i keep chanting to myself, trying to find some glimpse of victory over this crippling impression.

I'd hold your hand while you hid behind the couch while fire was spit from every mouth around you.
I'd cover your ears and hold your head.
I grab your arms to keep you from making that time and time again mistake.
"You are everything. You will do everything", Is what I will chant to you every night before you sleep.
I'd tell you just how beautiful you are and that this is not your forever.
These four walls do not define you, but they will make you.
They will make you strong and brave.
These very walls that you hate so much.
This battle will be won, I promise you.
This battle will be won by you and you alone.

Her bones were like the brittle branches of a tree. Praying the wind doesn't head east to meet her breaking twigs.

All of your words,
you some how break me
so dangerously
and gracious.

Some days suffocating seems easier than breathing.
On those days I can feel the tingle in my toes.
The nots in my stomach.
The ache in my muscles.
The tension in my fist.
I can feel it all.

From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet I ache. Ache for you, for your small whisper. The words that melt me like a candle stick.
Drip by drip I fall.

But just as quickly, my waxy lips learn to breathe again.

While my mind is whirl wind of thoughts, images, emptiness, memories, and absence...
my body is calm and collected.
Well worded and poetic.
A rhythm of consistency and gentleness.
My body is smooth and comforting while my head spins uncontrollably.
My skin is quiet while my muscles are numb and my bones are shattering.
Ear to ear my smile glows but the blood spills through the breaks between my teeth.
This is what it is and this is how it's been.
I don't want pity, I just want days.
Deep days with quiet emotions that carve far beneath my veins.
I want a salty cry to swell in my throat and begin to crawl above.  
Not to feel emotion but just to feel alive.
To be human.
To feel the air in my lungs and the tension in my fists.
To feel present and connected.
To be here and now.

"Close your eyes" you said.

Maybe it will all go away
but still I feel it all.
I can feel your hands in all of the places they are not supposed to be.
I can hear all of the words you're not supposed to say.

Closing my eyes was no safe place at all.

At least when they were open you weren't a monster made up in my 8 year old mind.

You were a person.
Another human being.

Yet still a monster doing all these things monsters do.

Like a nightmare when you do everything in your power to scream but no sound comes out.

A living nightmare with my eyes wide open.

"I'm not trying to scare you because I'm scared too"
Squeezing my hands so tightly while dragging me through the cement.
You chant, "Come on now. You can do it."
By this time my road rash has met my brittle bones.
You chant, "Just stop thinking about it" as these tears turn to acid.
I can feel the gravel peeling my skin away.
& you chant, "just get past it" and the ache turns numb. I feel nothing.
"I'm not trying to scare you because I'm scared too."

I refuse to delight in the things that bring me so much pain.
Though it seems to be the only consistency in this constant running scheme.
I go & it come.
I come & it stays.
You haunt my only made up fantasy of ecstasy.
If I can't delight in you, you refuse to delight in anything.
I'm so tired of you.

Its been 3 days so far.
3 days of nothing.
I feel nothing.
I feel no sadness, no happiness,
No motivation.
I am nothing.
I feel trapped.
There is a part of me screaming to break free.
Well really I'd just like to think there is.
I'm so numb.
I want to care enough to wake up.
But I don't.
Please wake me up.

I cried the entire way home because of you.
Because I had to leave a birthday party because of you.

You've taken a piece of me I'll never ever get back.
You've taken my life away or whatever it was actually.

Your face intrudes my mind and your sharp words pierce my ears over and over again.

It's been 12 years.
12 years.

How have I not forgotten by now?
It's been 12 years.

Because to me it's equivalent to my limbs missing.
You've taken pieces of me that I did not give you permission to take.

And no one stopped you.
It's been 12 years, and I cried the entire way home.

Before our hands even part
from our very first greeting,
my mind won't stop.

I want to know all that there
is to know about you.

Your greatest fears.
Your wildest dreams.
Your first heartbreak.
Your favorite childhood memory.

I crave to know the depths of your soul.
The inner workings of your thoughts.

I want to know who you really are,
not who you think I want you to be.

Your teeth shatter everytime you speak.
Your arms break everytime you try to hold me.
Your fingers snap everytime they meet mine.
You are cold and dead.
Finding life only in the darkest of pits.
I'll breath every ounce of air I have into those shriveled lungs of yours.
I'd do anything to see those lips move to the shape of the moon.
To watch the color of your pale skin turn blush.
I'd give anything.

Please catch me if you see me falling.

Stop me before I've lost my sanity.

I'm slipping quietly and quickly.

Don't let me go.

I'll create my self in such a way that is beleieveable.
In a way that looks alive.

But honestly I'm far from it.

I'll put make up on this face and clothes on this body.

Trying to convince the world I am at peace.

I am a corpse, if I'm telling the truth.

Touch me and you'll see.
You'll watch this body crumble.

But I'll fool you good.

I hesitate to let the bottom of my foot hit this dusty ground.
Every step is blind with no map or direction.
But it's grace that is undeniable and love that is unstoppable.
Onward you whisper, go.
No matter if I'm empty, sinking, or half dead, your hand remains so gentle on the small of my back.

I can only hold my breathe for so long.

I cant choke on this air for much longer.

What is this emptyness?
What is this hollow shell.

So easily swayed to another's happiness.

When will I be whole.

When will i feel my very own emotions?
When will I finally fall in love with being present in this body so graciously given to me?

But here I stay.
In this room, on a hospital bed, and to think, its my 22nd birthday.

How politely you greet me.
Just like a gentleman.
Silently you waited, expecting my arival.
Here I am, eyes dried open.
Hello 2am.
Are you ready for my spiral?

I'm home when the only sound kissing my ears is the wind.

I'm home when the only shoes on my feet are rushing grains of sand.

Let the air take me and spin me.

I want to feel the trees on the tips of my fingers and the sap stuck on my palms.

Let the soil of this earth obsorb me and make me whole.

Take me home.

I stand tall, waiting.
My hands rolled into fist.
Head cocked back.
Ready to fight.
My feet are planted strong.

but  before i can take my last breathe, it's stolen away.

I'm thrown into the wave every which way.
my limbs flail uncontrollably and the water fills every crevice of my being and replaces the air in my lungs.

The fight is purposeless and I quickly give in. At the very moment I stop, so does it.

I am gently washed to shore.

A familiar place that i knew id never see again,
but how much more beautiful was it?
Who was I kidding?
I'd only hope to not return the next time?

I wish I could fix you.
I wish I could smooth all of your worry wrinkles.
I wish I could tell you that everything will be ok, and actually mean it.
But the secrets of your sadness are deeper than I have ever known and I can't fix it.
You are the only hope I have ever lost, the only need I always refused and the only soul i have ever rejected.

Too much of you has withered away.

When we speak, our words are only those of distance. Desperately searching for conversation.
Have I never known you because your face is not one of a mothers, but a sad and broken stranger.
I can not fix you.
But you said that i was the one that needed fixing.  

So what if none of this was real.
& the only standing truth was every word you ever said.
Every letter was my contradiction.
& every day was my false fantasy.
This pit I've crafted so perfectly was nothing but curtains and cotton ball clouds.
This was only a script I've memorized a thousand times.
& behind it all was the dream you've always vowed.

But that's not it.
Because the playbill says that you were cast to fool the crowd.

Unfortunately, the fabric of your costume can not withstand your fables.


I did anything i could to see those lips move to the shape of a crescent moon.  
To watch the color of your pale skin turn blush. To keep your secret safe.

I breathed every ounce of air I had into those shriveled lungs.

I did everything I could to fix you.  

But I, can not fix you.

It's crawling under my skin.
Growing larger in my rib cage.
It's this feeling I hate.
When I know it's coming.
Like watching a **** begin to crack.

I filled the floor with broken glass and ***** clothes. I dropped a pitcher of something on the carpet. The shower is on and my clothes are soaking wet.

I'm suffocating on the secrets of June 15 1999.
My grey walls turned dusty brown.
My pumpkin candle turned to stale cigarettes and moldy food.
Heavier and heavier.

Again.

In the morning I'll ask you to replay the
night and try to piece this all together.
I obsess over the tiniest details that I have dragged out of my subconscious.
Descriptions and words spilling from my lips, fleeing like escaped prisoners.
Although the fugitives legs will never grow weak from running to the sun, his cell walls will stand tall behind him, waiting for his return.

The moon is calling and I don't have enough duck tape to patch this **** together or the key to break these shackles from my ankles.

I brace myself for the weight.
Growing larger in my rib cage.
Heavier and heavier.

Take notes this time, for when the morning comes, I'll ask you to replay the night and try to piece this all together. Clue by clue, I'll find a secret.

I found it.
I found the secret.
The secret that i once held so tightly while running bare foot through the forest.
Along the way i must have stashed it between the trees and bushes while darting towards my made up castle.

It took 20 years to catch my breath.
Slowing coming to a stop, I lifted my head to see where I had ended up.
Only to find a kingdom, but not the one I had made.

No part of my mind could have ever created a beauty such as this.
But this was the secret.
The forgotten, familiar secret that left my hands empty.

Still short of breath, feet still aching, naked among the vines.
Without another thought, here is my entirety.

Clothe me in the leaves and branches that stand so tall above me.
The leaves and branches that fill my lungs with oxygen.
Just as the hair on my arms and the back of my neck stand up with the gifted chill, let the moss sprout from those very pores.
May my crown rise to the galaxies, just as the redwoods relentlessly reach for the clouds.
Pushing cold stones into my own 4th gift, mesmerized by the unknown reality.
My roots digging, growing, stretching, twisting to the bottoms of the soil.
These feet have caved to crave the texture of the deepest grounds.
Standing among the water of the tallest of falls.
Just like coming home.

There was no secret, the secret was home.

The home of a vagabond, once worn like badge of honor.
I want the wanderlust to ends, overwhelmed by the nurture.
The nurture of the forgotten mother.
A forgotten home.
This is home.
This is where it's always been.

Just as the fern never stopped growing beneath my skin, I return the gift with my complete being.

Swiftly married to the endless forest of pines.

I am the floor of the deepest ocean.
I am the cap of the highest mountains.
I am the rain that kisses your face.

I am the grass that grows beneath your bare feet while running through the forest.

I am clothed.
I am grounded.
I am whole.

This is where it has always been.
Stashed between the trees and bushes.

A forgotten home.
A secret kingdom.

This vagabond soul found that home hidden within the frame of my very own twig shaped bones.

I pulled the shirt over your head and helped you put your arms through the sleeves. My very last unstained shirt draped like a dress over your tiny body.
The calm of bottles shattering and bodies slamming into walls never once lifted our heads from the empty dinner table.
It was moments of stillness that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
Those moments meant darkness.
Unexpected visitors.
Strangers turning into infatuated demons.
Ripping at the skin of inconsistent consistency that built this toy frame of mine.
Within this secret, I know where to hide. To keep you safe and unseen.
If even for the moment, I can hold your face and cover your ears.
It was only a matter of time.
Only a matter of time before the secrets of these walls made the faces of the residence unrecognizable.
Quickly crawling through the sopping mountains of clothes. Follow me to the tunnels and trenches.
Keeping quiet in every nook and closet.
Like hide and seek, running from monsters.
The adrenaline thrilled you while the reality crippled me.
Keep your eyes closed tight and your ears always covered.
My back pushed hard against your hinged knees. Hiding every piece of you for no monster to see.

Without honey we are blind to the sweet richness of its taste.

Just one is all it takes.
Just one taste.

Sweet fragrance fills the room and you can only imagine it on your tongue.
Oh sweet honey, no other stands against you.

I just need a taste.

I can't breathe today.
Too many words trapped in the back of my throat.
No room for air.
The only thing these words are filling is empty rooms.
These letters take too long to leave my tongue, no one seems to wait around to see this finished product.

If I could unravel the knots that bind these bones, my fingers would grow numb.
My wrists would crack.
My flesh would age.
& strand by strand I'm tied to be undone.

All in hopes the roots that thrived would begin to thirst again.
Gripped around each twig of mine, I race against constriction.
Pulling every which way.
Stalking every traveled end.
Unbinding every corner of this mindless, commanding restriction.

Stop these words.
These meaningless, nonsensical words.
As my mind races I hold my hands out trying to catch any falling letter.
As if I'm drowning, I choke on the logic spilling from my lips.

It's as if I can feel every cell of my being illuminating.
Everything my fingers touch is electrifying.
My face aches from the corners of my lips relentlessly kissing the lobes of my ears.
Every word spilling from mouth is as dire as the need for air in my lungs.
My body is restless and weightless.
There is no euphoria I can't reach.
No amount of ecstasy I can't handle.
Complete bliss, if only for the moment.
Just as quickly as this paradise was built, even faster it disintegrates.

Stop trying to understand my mind as if its a math problem with a complicated, definant answer.

Its hard enough trying to make sense of it myself, I can't explain it anymore.

Your words embody me and melt in such a way I lose all train of thought.

I breathe you in deeply as though you will only last a moment.

Take me, melt me, mold me to the very curve of you.

In this moment I can stop.
I can listen to the life around me.
I can breathe.
I can open my blinds and let the light flood in,
or keep the illusion of the night just a tad longer so i don't wake you.
I'll let you sleep, I'll let myself enjoy the silence.

I wish I could fix you.
I wish I could smooth every one of your worry wrinkles.
I wish I could tell you that everything will be ok, and mean it.

But the sadness you carry is deeper than I have ever known.

You are the only hope I have ever lost.
The only need I have always refused.
& the only soul I ever rejected.

Too much of you has withered away.

Your body has become unfamiliar to me.
Our words are only those of distance, desperately searching for conversation.

I feel as though I've never known you.
Your face is not a mothers, but a sad & broken stranger.

I just wish I could fix you.

Her rays start peeking through every open space in my blinds.
How beautiful it feels when you finally reach my face.
Just like warm kisses.
Your light dances throughout the cover on my bed and onto the hardwood floors my living room.
Ill sit quietly with my coffee and watch the recital from beginning to end.
How ravishing your flood looks this morning.

I only tell you because you've never asked.
I only tell you because I don't think you seem to have the slightest idea of who I am.

Would you believe me if I did tell you?

The only clothes on my body were those of my 4 year old brothers.
The only shoes on my feet were so weathered and torn I could feel the cold concrete with every step I took.
The meals on my plate were only those from the school in which I begged for seconds and dreaded the empty weekend.

Would you believe me if I told you that the only food that filled our cabinets were expired cans given from the food bank.
Dinner time meant hiding under the table, avoiding the drunken blows of Mom's new boyfriend.

Would you even believe me?
Months would go by without water or lights.
Our home was no home.
But a shelter for those who had dragged their bodies to the bed of an 8 year old girl.
My mother was no mother at all but a slave to a chemical mixture.

Would you believe me if I told you?

I fought my fight.
Through blood and tears, I fought my fight.
I chose to stand in the crashing waves against me.
I chose to stand strong with the heaviest weight resting on my shoulders, I fought.
& I won.

Shuttering in the in between.
Trying to search for some sort of normalcy.

Some place I'll never know.
Some place I've never been.

No sort of consistency has ever maintained me.

No established foundations.
No branching deep roots.

No part of me has any sort of regularity or normality.

It is how it has been, it is how it will always remain.

It's gone.
All of me.
No voice. No motions. No thoughts. No conversation.
It's packed and shipped away.
I'm screaming to the blank faces that circle around me.
But their words are too vibrant to recognize my echo.
I'm gone to sea with no plan to return.
Push me away.
I want it.
I need it.
I crave to be gone.
All of me.
Let silence consume the world that bind my feet to this rotted soil.
I want it.

I can't cry anymore.
I've lost every counted hour of sleep.
No words can form any sensical sentences.
I'd go weeks without talking if you'd let me.

I don't know where I've gone but I know its not here.

Staring at every corner of your face.
Your eyelids shut so tightly.
The edges of your lips so still.
I crave to know what's in that brain.
You rest so still, as if you have never known of any living hell.
As if you've never heard of the battle.
The war partaking so constantly inside of me.
I am so envious of your nights.
My home is sleepless.
As far from your familiarity as possible.

This isn't easy.
Feeling isn't something familiar to me, yet I'm standing in the center of a broken dam.
Water rushing over me and flipping me from side to side.
I'm suffocating with a grin on my face.
Only so you don't ask if I ever learned to swim.
Of course I have.
No. No, I've never even let the tide kiss my toes.
I breathe in to let the air in my lungs be replaced with this unfamiliarity.
But I'll be ok.

Some days I wake up brave enough to tell the world every secret hidden in my being.

But other days I wake up to mend myself to the walls and blend in to every corner of the room.

I can't breathe enough to stay alive much less muster up the words to carry a conversation.

I've become the pale shade of gray that meets the wooden floors and white ceilings.

Let me stay here. Hidden among the walls.

Most of the time I crave the absence of noise.
No one to speak.
No one to entertain.
Just my mind.
I'm allowed to shut down in the stillness with no need explain.
How hush this moment is.
Even if it is for just the moment.
Let it fill me and melt me.
In the silence I am present.