I wish you really ran to me
The way you used to
When all crashed
And all was broken

I wish you run to me still
The way you write you want to
Because all is breaking
Once again
Including 'us'

I wish that poem was actually for me
But I know it's not
Because if anything
You're running everywhere
But to me

Being so close yet further than we were in distance

2. I know it's your sale on Saturday which I was waiting to be a part of for a year now but now I won't even know about it or how many cupcakes you'll make or how they tasted

3. I know things might get ok soon...they always do but until they don't...I'm aware of the bitter things that'll grow in your heart

4. You won't even show up to see me even if it's the last time

5. I'll regret the decision I made that night even though I didn't mean it and it wasn't such a big deal so the chaos after that will never make sense

6. It kills me more to know that you'll regret the decision you made that night even more and the one you made next morning too.

7. You'll never consider the amount of effort I put to bring you back....you might never understand how much I tried

8. Knowing that in 5 days 3 people would've left you and 1 of them is me and I'm the the only one who you actually kicked out of your life too... 5 3 1 ...I know you hate odd numbers

9. I might have to spend a lifetime waiting for you and waiting to find out why you were so excited about the gifts you got me which I ofcourse never received and you threw some of the things away too

10. You might make another very hasty decision that will **** you later as much as it'll **** me now and I can't do anything but hope for you to be patient and not leave earlier

11. I love the memories and the memoirs but they'll eventually **** me if this is how it is to end.

12. We might never share the same bed wrapped in each other's arms shaking in pleasure and that is something I can't have with anyone but you

13. The fact that last night I had enough in me to put my dad's gun to my head and eventually pull the trigger too....only to hear the clack of an empty gun and I can't stop but wish it had a bullet and hope that maybe next time it will

For the last time
in forever
i tasted a memory
of us
for the final time

the odd ice-cream flavors
we made over phone calls
and i would get them
straight to your house
the very next afternoon

perhaps you have forgotten
its taste
perhaps you have forgotten
the taste of my lips
with odd tasting ice cream

well nonetheless
i tasted it one last time
and it was intoxicating
more than any wine or *****
it hurt a little too

maybe because i couldn't taste
your lips with it
or touch your cheeks
or call you mine
while i claimed this flavor to be ours

**** 'ours'
nothing is 'ours'
and what the **** was
this word called 'us'
you had me thinking it meant 'infinite'

only the red and black
that you wore that night
has etched itself
in my memory
for infinite

also that smile
that voice
oh and the way you looked
straight in my eyes
and how it was so easy for you to say your byes

perhaps i wasn't black enough
or maybe i wasn't popular
enough to be called a celebrity
or enough
to make you stay

it hurts oh ****
the remnants of that night
in the flavors of almonds
and strawberries
straight from your lips

and in black & white
pictures of you and me
dancing the night away
under dim lights and
bright love

well how sad
this was the last sip of the 32nd flavor
and never again will this be
for there never will be an 'us'
which ever again means **'infinite'

5 foot 8
is what I'd tell her
5'7
she'd always argue
she'd add an inch to her height
5'3 (5'2)
and decrease one from mine
just to overcome the distance
between our lips
to make it easier for her
to climb up to my lips
and kiss
and don't get me wrong
I'm no anti-feminist
"making my girl do all the work"
I'd offer to get low
but she just liked her standards high
(I guess somethings are just
worth fighting for a little harder)
that said
I had my reasons
to maintain the 5'2 argument
you see
she is a small girl
with a big attitude
and I just liked the way
how she'd have to
look up into my eyes
to see where my lips are
and she'd look away right away
and I'd have to ****** her
with my kisses
to get a look of the galaxies in those eyes
(I guess somethings are just
worth fighting for a little harder)

i've always provided you
with something better
so if you ask for silence
watch me give you
something greater

the losing will be yours
and in the end it'll just
be me & you
who'll both be lost

you say you have all the answers
that you had all the right reasons
to leave me stranded
that you had no choice
maybe even that it was all me
that it was all my fault

but you don't know ****
you just want to validate
yourself for invalidating me
you just want to prove
that in this struggle for love
you were the victim

but you don't know ****
victims aren't the ones walking away
or the ones behind the bullet
or words
victims don't play with feelings
victims don't break hearts or **** souls

your only answer is to prove
how you had your reasons
but your reasons don't justify
a ****** of sorts
or playing me and leaving me to die
or telling me you love me
only to prove it a lie

The place we stood to take photos
and you shamelessly owned your bright red chappal (slippers)
and I loved it
the place where I loved you
we checked the shades of lipsticks on our hands
love red on your hand and your skin cream on mine
the place where you asked me for a hug
and your mom nearly caught us in the act

This was also the place we shopped for you
where you kissed me inside a cabin in a try room
the same place we had a conversation & cinnabon
while people stared and almost envied you
because of all the love you got from me
where we loved the dazzling blue traditional dress
which was just too expensive
but that didn't stop us from looking

The place where we broke stereotypes
in more ways than one
and I couldn't help but remember how
we both hated shopping
but loved shopping together
how you always picked faster than I did
but i still picked for you
because you liked it better that way

All I could think of were the words
words you had said there then
and I could only ask myself
if you ever meant a single one

"Choose for me"
"Your choice of dress makes my Eid special"
"Kiss me"
"You are my favorite person to shop with"
"Lets do this again soon"
"Thankyou for the beautiful day"
"I love you"

Those words still echo through the walls of that place
and the walls inside my head

echo
Echo
ECHO
LOUD
STOP

I LOVE YOU
YOU SAID THAT
I FCKING LOVE YOU
YOU SAID THAT

STOP
LOUD
ECHO
Echo
echo

All I can think of are the words
you say now

"I don't even love you anymore"
"I didn't miss you"
"I hope you die"
"I don't want a forever with you"
"I can't commit to you anymore"

I am haunted by your ghost
in this city
and I say ghost because you are dead
this person is a shell with no soul
or heart

I am haunted by your ghost
in this city
everything smells of you
and looks like you
and sounds like you

And I am going crazy
in this place
where **we loved

These were the sacred words
Be mine baby all mine
As I kissed you
As I loved you
Be mine baby just mine
It's a wish
It's a request
Be mine baby girl
I'm asking you to stay
I'm asking you for trust
Be my love baby girl
I'll make you my life
I'll make you my wife

Oh but look at you
You wanted that other one
That other guy
While I was here
Giving you myself
You were busy
Making him yours
Looking at a face not mine
Looking at a body not mine
Looking for love not mine

******* baby girl
For this is what you made of us
For this is what you did for us
Get the **** out
Ask him for love
And see for yourself
Can he love half of mine
Will he even ask you
To "be mine"

Her mouth muttering knives
Her lips uttering despise

She has a memory so temporary
That her hate becomes permanent

Forgetting
The heart she heard beating for her
The soul fulfilling her emptiness
The mind that filled her with ideas

Remembering
The fight about that boy on the beach
The quarrel over that phone call
The skirmish about her revealing dress  

How could you but
Remove the reminiscence of memories

Memories of events...
That'll last a lifetime

No matter how good
Or bad the lifetime is

Bitterness is a *****
Much like her

write me a text I'll never read
send me a pic I'll never see
call me 243 times and it won't go through
email me and I won't respond

do it all because
I've sent unanswered letters
and I've made unanswered calls
and I've sent unread texts & emails
to you

and you are yet to know
how it feels
to be me
with you

I love you but
I really wish I could but
I miss you but
I do care but
I didn’t want to hurt you but

All the buts you’ve ever said
Will turn to all the things
You’ll regret when you’re old and dying

So green eyes was all it took
For you to forget the way I loved
The way I kissed

green eyes was all you needed
To fall for someone else huh
A soft smile and there you go follow

***** it wasn't him with the love
It was me
It wasn't his eyes
That made you love yourself
It was mine

You said 4 years baby
I'm just going to study
"I'm not losing you at any cost"
But there you go follow

29 days and 16 hours
That's all it took you to get over me
Get over my silver necklace
The signs of my love
The marks of us

Didn't take you too long did it

So last night
My mind was littered
With thoughts about you
And my sleep suffered
As it always does
Shouldn't you be jetlagging
Then why am I the one
Who can't sleep
I fell asleep at 5 a.m
And dreamt about you

Even when I'm asleep
Your thoughts won't go away
Well
I called you
In my dream ofcourse
And you picked up
I was once again blessed
With your voice
You weren't too nice in your tone
Slightly mad
Perhaps I shouldn't have called
I kept repeating
"How are you "
"Take care of yourself I miss you"
You wouldn't say a word
And so I said
"Alright I'm going now"
And as I cut the call
I heard you say
"Stay"

And so I called you back
You were crying
Hurting
Missing me too maybe
But then you spoke back
I told you even in my dream
To come back to me
A little sooner
And in that moment
In my dream
I even stole a glimpse of you
Hazel eyes
Oh those ******* hazel eyes
I wish I'd never wake up
I wish I'd have died in that sleep

You told me
you were going to sleep
And that was when I said
I'm just waking up
Yes I keep track of time
The hours ahead and behind
You put down the phone
And then
I saw in my dream
That you hid your pain
You cried
with heaviness in your heart
Did you miss me?
I do not know
But you cried
And when your mom came
You rubbed your eyes
With your soft hands
Put a straight face up
And just stopped
Just stopped crying

I miss you
I know you do too
but i am going crazy
those 7 seconds
or so it seemed
was that the last time
was that it
will i never see you again
Those sparkling hazel eyes
The red with the black
But you looked
you looked at me with repulsive eyes
why
WHY
it was the last time
then what is the repulsiveness for
where is all your love

"I love you" my last words to you
"Thankyou" yours

Is that befitting
does that do justice to us

you are
a curse
the source of all pain
the root of all suffering
the end of all beginning

you are
what causes
my heart to bleed
my happiness to recede
havoc to wreak

you are
what brings
death to life
darkness to light
disdain to love

you are
what feeds
the fire of my desire
the burn of my wounds
the anxiety of my soul

you are
the Devil's *****
the Reaper's *****
the Satan's ****

you are
malice in ones heart
intoxicant between ones lips
narcissist stuck between two selves
hell between me & heaven
abuse I could never endure

I want to
scratch your name off my mind
forget your hideous face
remove your voice
that echos so loud in my head
forget the feeling of your disgusting skin
and how it felt on mine
forget the filthy lies
that left your tongue
the words you were never held accountable for
forget the curls of your hair
that ripped my skin with softness
your fcking hazel eyes
that were never loyal to the brown in mine
that would always seek blue or green

I want to
rip every ******* memory
of you
from my heart
and then
from my mind
and rip my soul
apart from yours
burn every memory of you
that I have in
letters
pictures
scents
all your fake cunning tactics
to use
and then abuse
burn every part of myself
that you own
the love
the poetry
the letters
the memories
everything

I want amnesia to hit me
and take away all of you
from all of me

Are you even aware of all the pain
you caused me every single time ?

A short mail with a sorry at the end
You think that compensates
for all the pain you caused
or even that which you caused
with your short mail

Didn't you just want "space"
I wasn't even ready
you showed me a world
where we were about to fly
and threw me down from the 7th sky

Hours turned into days
but for once
I didn't see days even turn to weeks
or weeks into months
months of forever

Do you even know the feeling
when you love a person
and care about them so much and miss
so much that they become a part of
your very existence

Do you even know the feeling
of loving a person so much
with your heart and soul
that you lose your mind
missing them

Perhaps you may or may not know that
but there is something you surely
do not know
The feeling when that very person
walks all over you heartlessly

I took your word
when you said
this was just space you needed
it wasn't supposed to be a setup
to fck me over

Perhaps for you this is a game
all just a measure of pain
to see how much it takes
for my skin to tear apart and
for me to bleed out of my eyes

You don't even know what its like
when your soul is being ******
out of your body
yet the only name you can still think of
is of the one you love
and they still choose to walk all over
your dying breaths

fck your sorry
and fck you

He don’t wanna love you like I did
He wanna *******
Get you a baby
And give you the American dream

I hate you

for your selfish actions
for your countless lies
for the nights with no stars
for the darkness in the light
for the death in life
for the life in death
for leaving
for then staying
for then staying to leave
for the silent
for the silence too loud
for the tone you used
for the music you ruined
for your broken promises
for my broken heart
for all that was fake

for my own sake

I say
I hate you
so that maybe one day
I just may

You are red blue and colorful
with that green hijab of yours
You are ice cream and kulfi
burgers and fries
You are the edges of that pizza
(the extra cheese was mine)
You are journals
and diaries
poetry and prose
mascara and eyeliner
books and novels
gulab jamun and chocolate boxes
music and sunset
tip toes with kisses
hazel eyes
crazy smile
stretch marks (tiger of mine)
you are apologies and cries
sad and destroyed
warm and silent
hurt
you are hurt too

you are all of my time
either 2 hours ahead or 12 behind
you are more than a memory
forever of mine
perhaps I will always be in love
with the thought of you being mine

Since when ?
Since my skin felt her
touch
or since I brushed her hair
off her face
or since I last heard her soft
innocent voice
or tasted her enchanting
lips
or took her out for breakfast
lunch or dinner
or since our eyes met
and I looked long enough to forget my name
or since she sat in front of a mirror
only to remember my body with hers
or since I was inside of her
and she felt every inch of my manhood
or since she grabbed my manhood
and asked for more
or since she cared
enough to not let go
or since I got her a present
that she actually liked
or since she spoke to me
in something other than words
or listened to what I was saying
in all the silence
or since I carved her name
on my skin with a blade
or since my night was her day
and her day was my night
or since someone surprised her
only to feel **** for what came after
or since I kissed her forehead
to welcome her home
or since I put her to bed
and then to sleep
or since she forgot all of it
and threw me away
or since we shared
dawn & dusk
or since I heard her say
those words that I miss much like her

how long has it been to what
because I can keep this going
and the answer to all of it is
true to be same

long enough for me to be dying
not enough for me to be dead

The voices in my head are getting so loud. They want me to jump off the ******* building or electrocute myself or shoot myself or jump in front of a car. They are thoughts of you and memories which I can't live without. Memories I don't want to live without but I only want these memories if I have you. Long distance is hard, it kills and you fight a lot but when you love, you love a lot more. I saw pictures of you with other men (men not man) and you already know how I feel about that. You already know I hate that. Those ******* pictures make me bitter about you but my heart, oh my heart just wants to embrace you and love you. I remember how you sat me down and promised that this will never happen again and it did. I remember how you called me one night and promised me that wont happen but that did too. You broke your promise, your commitment and my trust too. Speaking of that picture again (I just can't get it out of my head), you had said the night before that you will only hang out with your girlfriends and you'll keep your distance from those boys but well you couldn't keep that word either and then you didn't even tell me about how you sat with that boy (whose name rhymes with cheese) and watched the concert at the beach while I was unaware, missing you because I had a surprise news for you. I never gave you that news and I guess you will never know now that you aren't here. I never asked for too much. Just the simple stuff and that was my right too and you know I was right too. Just asked for you to not expose your curves, to stay simple, to not get pictures like that (the one mentioned above, still can't get over it), not to be in a situation that leads to pictures like that & to not break your promises. Tell me was that too much. You said I was insecure and maybe I sound like it too and maybe to some extent I am insecure because I didn't want to lose you and I couldn't bare see your name or you besides another man, but was that too much to ask for. Because that was all I asked for. Can someone please hit my head with a baseball bat and make me forget everything including my name or who I am. Because I want all this to end. Oh I want all this to end. And I know you will be back again like every time but you will continue on this path of broken promises and false commitments mixed with your ******* lies. Hope. Hope though is a ***** that makes you believe it won't (or will) happen when you know that it will. And I know it will.

I'd say baby girl I love you
I'd say baby girl I miss you
I'd say baby girl you can do this
I'd say oh my love
Take care

I know what you call heartbreak
I know the secrets of your body*

your body breaks more than your heart
you want to fall down
let go of your two feet
stay in bed let your eyes weep
growling stomach - hunger but oh
you can't eat
you forget
you forget that you did this to yourself

your body is tired
its tired of missing a heart
and it seeks a break
from none but you
not all sickness is a mental illness
it just wants you to know
you forget that your period
isn't due in ten days, its due in two
and your body longs for someone
who can just remember that for you

where will you find another one like me

When you left me over a phone call that lasted a minute and a half
I should've known our fate then
when you said you wanted a second third fourth fifth chance
I should've said no

When you texted me tonight asking me to see your make-up
I should've said no
because all I can think of
apart from your gorgeous eyes
and your pink cheeks
and your chapped lips
is that
he will see you today
and he will remember
that you did it for him
that maybe you chose his favorite colour
or you put on his favorite perfume
he will remember that scent on you
from that one friday
the one day which was the best of his life
maybe he waits every friday to see you

you say you did it for you
but you did it for him way before you did it for you
you gave a part of you to him
a part that you'd only given to me
and it took you a day to bedazzle yourself for him
and you didn't even know him

he met you on a friday
or so I think
but he sees you every now and often
and he will forever remember
that you did this for him
what today you say
you're doing for yourself
but he won't know that
to him
its still like that past friday

Losing someone
To death or
To distance

Loving someone
To death or
To life