Beneath the canopy of darkness
And the yellow of the street lamps.
We walk at the pace of a traveler
With no map or destination.
We journey down the sidewalk with
Goosebumps on our skin,
And a dimmed fire in our hearts,
The small distance between us
Being the only warmth
Against the harsh winter air.
You point your nose towards the sky
And let out a little laugh--
A little cloud escapes into the night--
And mesmerized, I find myself smiling
And when i look up, I swear I can see
The stars smiling too.
And as I watch the movement of your lips,
And as I listen to the sound of your voice,
I decide that the late winter nights
Are most beautiful
As long as they’re with you

In a crowd of a thousand
You are the one
My eyes find first.

When the lights are dimmed
To me, you shine
No differently from a star

In the buzzing of a crowd
Your voice rings
And I turn to find you

And even when you're distracted
You make me stop and notice

But to you,
I'm just another face
Another dimmed out soul
Another voice
That adds to the buzzing

But I cant help but hope
That one day
When I'm not noticing
You'll look around
And search for me.

i never believed it whenever someone
would describe me using the word beautiful.
it never rung right
it was always as though
the word could never naturally roll off someone’s tongue
with me on their mind.

i remember where it began:
when I was told I wasn’t worthy
and that I am everything
nobody wants.
but I hope you’d be proud to hear
that I never fell,
i just learned to walk through silence
thinking that no words
could ever shatter the quiet.

and then you came
and through the thick walls,
i heard a slight echo of your voice.
and although it was hard to hear at first
i hear it a little clearly every time you say it:
beautiful.
i’m still in the emptiness
trying to find my way out
but there’s comfort in hearing your voice,
there’s comfort knowing
that you’re here
try to lead me out of this silence.

i thought that was the last.
i was sure that i would never feel what it’s like
to have you hold me close to you ever again.
i thought that our kiss under the bare trees
and winter sky was our last.
and for a moment,
i desperately tried running back
to feel it just once more.

one more kiss.
one  more moment when your fingers intertwine through mine.
one more moment when you held me close.

so when you wrapped your arms around me
and ran your fingers through my hair,
when i felt your hand pull me back
and you smiled at me
before planting a kiss on my lips
after what felt like an eternity
of chasing the past,
i found my world moving forward once again.
i no longer needed to mourn for the past,
you  are still here in my present,
and in my future,
which is full of moments
just waiting for us to live them.

there are four steps
of thin ice
between you and me.

1
it’s okay if you’re unsure.
i don’t mind if you’re still trying
to understand the rhythm of your heart
over the rationality in your mind.
i can wait as long as it takes
because I also know the complexity
of loving someone.
i understand the risks and the doubts
that come with
choosing to love someone.

2
all I want is your happiness
and if this thin sheet of ice isn’t enough
to hold both of us,
i don’t mind falling through
if it means keeping you afloat.
i would rather sink into the cold, dark
than to watch you struggle.
i don’t mind letting go
and breaking the ice from under me.
i want to see you happy
even if it means I won’t be the person to reach you.

3
another step forward will be my end.
there’s no path for me to walk back.
i will wait here, until you’re ready
to reach out and close the final step.
and even if the ice may break from under me
i will wait.
i will love you cautiously.
and with this distance between us,
i will choose
again and again
to give this heart to you.

I’m always trying to outrun the demons.
They take the form of you leaving
And they keep me awake by whispering
About a future without you.

But sometimes I wonder what would happen
If we ever outrun them.

Maybe one day,
I will wake up to the sunshine peeking through
My sheer, white curtains on a saturday morning
And the weight I carry will no longer be
The possibilities of you leaving
But the weight of your arm resting across my body.

Maybe one morning,
I’ll be lucky enough to be the one who awakens
Next to your sleeping face
And I’ll watch as the sun tickles your skin
And your eyelids flutter as you rest.

Maybe I’ll be able to reach out and run my fingers
Along the side of your face and when you
Don’t disappear before my eyes,
I’ll take in a shaking breath of disbelief
That we actually made it.

Maybe.

Once more.

Press your lips against mine
And let us allow time to take a rest
As the reds and greens of the traffic lights
Caress our cheeks while we pass silently in the night.
I’ll let you take my hand in one of yours
And I’ll let you hold my heart in the other.
Breathless. Light. Euphoric.
I am drowning in the taste of you.

And I can't help but find myself
Eagerly waiting for a once more.

I won’t ask you to buy me roses
Or pay for my meals.
I don’t ask that you only look my way
Even if I’m only looking yours.
No need to sing me to sleep
Or kiss me in the morning.

But I will choose to
Climb to the treetops
So I can reach out and
collect the stars for you—
Take them all, they glow more in your arms.
Don’t fret my problems
I didn’t fall in love you to have you share
The weight of my anxieties and insecurities.
You can even leave.
If you told me you wanted something more
Than the stars that I pick for you,
I would climb towards the night sky once more,
Pick out the finest in the sky,
And place them into the palm of your hands
Hoping that I can leave you with something
That you can take with you before you leave.

I love you so much that I would never burden you
With my cries asking you to stay.
I will love you in my silence hoping
That you can walk straight with the weight
Of what you never had to carry.
And even if I am one day left in the darkness
Of my starless sky,
I will still love you in all my emptiness.
So for now, all I ask is
Please, let me love you now.

Bring it back.
Return to me the time I spent with you on my mind.
Gather up the seconds I spent with you,
Go back to find the laughter,
The stolen glances, and
The feelings we shared.
No need to wrap or tie them neatly,
Just bring them back.

Let me hold them in my hands one last time
Before I toss them to the flames.
Before I loosen my grasp
And let the poetry I wrote for you
Be carried away by the winds.

Let me look at you one more time.
Let me smile at you one more time.
Let you see the love for you in my eyes
Once more. No more.
I will turn my back to you leaving ashes and scattered poetry.
You will watch me leave before turning your way as well.

And with our futures in our hands,
And our paths clear of each other,
Let us run so fast that we have no time to look back.

you make me wish
i could stretch the seconds flat
so that my time with you can last forever.

we don’t know if we’ll still
hold each other close every morning
or have each other to lean on
years from now.

years
a year
weeks
a second

we might last forever
or we might become memories we ponder
when we reach a forever without each other.

but i will try
i will try to grasp your hand
as tightly as i can
as we approach the time ahead.

and even though we might not have a lifetime,
let us try to make it through what time has in store.
and if we don’t end  together
i pray that we can still glance at each other
from miles apart and still smile
at something that made
us dream about the slightest possibility
of a forever.

I remember the days.
The days when being with you was a habit
And not a distant memory.
I remember being a part of your happiness
And you being a part of mine.

But then you went and left me.

You took my trust
And threw it to the flames.
I gave you my empathy
But you gave me no sympathy
When you cut me with the glass from a mirror.
A mirror
That once reflected our friendship
And the love I had for you.

Yet I still carried my brokenness to your side.

I gave you the last piece of the love that I had for you.
I willingly carried all the hate you had
Hoping that I can somehow help carry the weight of your burdens.
And after,
I held out a shaking hand, hoping we could return
To the days when we were okay.
You didn’t take it,
You pushed me away.

So now I will leave.

I will no longer dwell on the days
When you meant something to me.
I will never look back with sadness—
You have deprived me of everything I ever felt for you.
I will leave the pieces of me you took and broke apart,
I don’t want them anymore.
I won’t wonder how you are,
Why you hurt me,
Or what could’ve been.

I have left you
And you have lost me.

I love the silence with you.
When our minds don’t think
And our hands start to
Gracefully and slowly
Gravitate towards each other
Only to stop an inch apart,
Craving touch
Too much
To shy away.
Then our hands meet
And the slight touch
Sends a shock through my bones.
And just when i thought that was as far
As our courage could take us,
You hold my hand in yours and
I feel my soul drown in euphoria
And I would rather find myself breathless
Again and again
Than to ever let go.

My mind used to run
A day ahead
And sometimes
It would get lost in
Weeks ahead.

Now,
All I can think about
Is you and me
Feet buried in cool sand.
One towel to shield us
From the ocean breeze.
My head on your shoulder
Your head resting against mine.

And how beautiful it is—
The world in our now.

Falling in love is terrifying.
I do not fear
The heartbreak,
Or your love for me
And mine for you.
I am afraid
Of the epilogue:
The unknown which lurks
Behind the pages of our end.
I am afraid because
I’ve never been so in love
And I have yet to accept
This paradox:
The more we fear the end,
The more we love one another
But the more we love
The more scared we become.
My love,
Choosing to love you is the happiest
And bravest choice I will ever make.

It was always you by my side;
It was always us
Pulling the sun into the sky and
Taking walks into dawn.

I think it was always there
This feeling
Buried somewhere beneath
The contentment and “guarantee”
That you would always be there.

We never needed any words
Our silence spoke our truths—

I know it was always there,
I just wish I realized earlier.
I wish I realized that I love you
Before I learned what it feels like
to lose you.

Best friend,
I now know that
I never fell in love with you,
I loved you since the beginning.

I took down my clouds and my stars
Exhausted and frightened of my pain.
As I began to pack my heart away
He took my hand and whispered my name.
He unpacked the box of night and day
Smiled, and wiped my tears away.

And like that,
I learned
to love again.

I swear there will come a day
When his voice doesn’t prompt your head to turn,
Heart pounding and insides dancing.

You’ll wake up one morning
To find the world bleak and greying.
You’ll see the ghost of him
in the clouds
And smell his scent
on your shirts,
But one day the sadness will get bored,
And one day, it will no longer hurt.

But the most beautiful thing will be
To find that you accidentally
left the door open and
With your back turned, in will walk
A guest with a smile and outstretched hand.
The moment you touch his skin and meet his eyes
You’ll be surprised to find yourself once again
Under pink skies.

Then you will think back and smile happily
At him, who once hurt you so painfully.
The morning spring will kiss your heart
And with a smile,
you will find
the strength to part.

I’ve kept you in my head so long
That the walls of my mind
Are painted with colors from the day we met:
Clouds scattered against the bluest sky
I had ever seen.

The floor is littered with poetry
Some of the finest I’ve ever written.
On the side is a locked box
With a barely closed lid.
Inside are the words I have yet
Spoken and said.
And they will stay
Unspoken and unsaid.
I  sit across the cold box
With my back pressed against the wall
Reminding myself that it’s time
To let it turn to dust.

Your voice won’t stop echoing
From the record player in the corner.
Dents on its side and
A fire under it
That refuses to engulf
The oil I spread.

The door in the back leads into a room.
Puddles of tears littered across the floor.
The record is barely audible as I approach
The center,
Which despite the pain and memories,
Still beats.

You don’t decide who
Will make your heart race.
The corners of your lips just
Upturn so suddenly
That you only notice your smile
When you step forward and feel
The cement  pieces
Of a shattered frown
On the ground beneath your feet.

Don’t call me
At seven pm and expect
That my heart won’t race just a little.
When you text like that
How can you expect me not to laugh.
Most of all,
Don’t leave her side—
Her, who stands tall,
With sparkles in her eyes
And chocolate hair—
For me.
Because, boy,
You’re a fool if you think that
I won’t smile even just a little.
I think that
The first (and the second and the third)
Taught me that when one steals your heart,
One also can rob all the love and warmth
That he crafted in the beginning.
They shatter it
And it cries, it wails with heaving sobs
And it hurts so **** much.
They taught me to forget
How a heart is supposed to beat
And that all men
Will be thieves.
So I’m sorry,
But please don’t run your hands through my hair,
Don’t call out my name in front of a dozen others,
Don’t leave her side for mine,
Don’t fool me into a million thoughts.
And don’t blame it on me;
My heart,
It’s tired. And bruised.
And afraid.