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Elin Roberts Nov 2020
it hits me in waves
funny to think that one day someone who's there
suddenly isn't
you wake up and keep living, yet they don't

and it isn't fair

i see her face in photos, in memories
we go through the motions
trying to find a mundane sense of normality
people don't realise it's the little things that'll get you

walking through the door, seeing her shoes

never to be worn again

the postman, obliviously dropping a harsh reality

through the slit in the door

i look around
seeing reminders of all i've lost etched everywhere
in everything
my fathers home is my mothers creation
heart and soul blatantly poured into all, an unknowing invasion
every nook and cranny
every angle and decoration
it SCREAMS the loss of her humanity

it's funny that songs frequently heard throughout my life
suddenly resonate with my pain
their lyrics fill me with a remembrance of you
no longer do i take their words for granted

joni mitchell, belting carey and a case of you
paul simon, my first concert at hyde park, the sky clear as crystal blue
bjork, in all her raw beauty, confirming all that i was certain i knew

do you remember us singing till our voices cracked
desperate with the need of wanting more?

you taught more lessons than you saw

i remember the sentences that lead to the end of your story
your tired lips, they tried so hard to mumble nonsensical spatters of loving farewells

as you slept
me sat by your side
your hand in mine

unable to shake the feeling of certainty
that we would never meet again
and god, did it break my heart
when my doubt proved me right

i took your hand and i cried
****, lord knows part of me died
i tried so hard to clutch on to the memories we'd never have
the possibility of all that wold never be
as i heard you mutter your last goodbyes

your last words were 'you're such a good girl, i love you so'
and at least i know that you know
my love for you has no bounds

and i hope at least in some universe, and in some way
you'll finally be reunited with faye
your soul and the energy it provides
or whatever it is that we are made of

will finally lay itself to rest
cos **** life
**** its unwarranted test
all we can do is try our best

and that's what you've shown me to do

so, mum, i guess this is how i'm trying to say

my lord how i'll miss you
i miss my mum more than words can describe
Elin Roberts Nov 2020
I feel like we're drifting apart.
I know you feel it too
We're stuck, helpless in our love, unsure of what to do
Seeking solace in nostalgia, I feel you reaching for my hands, lonely in their despair
Oh, how I miss that summer love, painted bright by sunny days
Those memories of sandy toes, as our excitement choked on salty sea air
Our sun kissed lips stole love in between laughter, made our knees weak in anticipation for more
I wish I could live in my denial
Blame our reality on winter, blame the shorter days, blame the longer nights
Blame anything, anyone
Turn our backs to one another as we struggle to find the words that'll fix us
As we try to read this stranger we once called love
What happened to us vs the world?
We were indestructible, impenetrable
Blind to the fact that we signed off for our own downfall
Perfectly imperfect, our desperateness to make it work
The little lies we'd tell ourselves, strangling the life out of hope
We nod and agree, let anger dwindle into empty solutions
And our hearts quietly weep, screaming for love in all its absence
I wanna say it was a foolish whim
A scapegoat we needed to evade reality
But I refuse to believe that this is all for nothing
You bring out the realest parts of me, knock down my walls with the flick of your finger
Your love engulfs me whole, caresses my broken parts
Gives my soul a place to be, a home I never dreamed I'd call my own
***** living for our summer love
I want you, all of you
The messy fights and silly spats
The goofy snort of laughter saved only for you
The late nights of fun, the mornings of regret
Our pounding heads, hazed by drink and drugs, yet solid and sure in knowing we're loved
My heart is yours beloved, to keep with my blessing
All my love too, cos, without you by my side
Only god knows what I would do
Elin Roberts Oct 2019
i’m lost

i’ve finally caught up
with that wide eyed girl
who turns away when i look in the mirror
searching for meaning in cracked glass

reflections of an abused past;
they haunt my day to day life
shadowy figures lurk in gloomy alleyways
cause me to flinch, relive my pain

so i find it easier
to tuck myself away, safe inside
hide from the demons and shy from the light
lie about my emotions, ignore my own plight

and the blanket that hides me
is torn by the seams
as i torch my own dreams
and all that they mean

choking for air in a fog of memory
i grip tightly to old habits
and they do die hard
turn self sabotage into a form of art

create fragile beauty

shroud it in misery

shroud it in me

hide the false promise of who i hoped to be
live the ongoing lie that is now my reality
cos if they ask how i’m doing
if they can’t really see

i’ll answer them with

‘i’m fine, leave me be’
had a down day, vented on some digital paper
Elin Roberts Apr 2019
10 years
Seems like a landmark
A traumatising reality
The cold clasp of death
It grips at the starless night
And the moon, oh, the moon
How she screams
Oh how those noises swallow me whole
Elin Roberts Mar 2019
your game once more
seems to have fallen through
empty hands that scream treachery
your face, unfamiliar in its absence

eyes that once provided comfort
they're glazed over with cold indifference
i crave your empty love, your hollow affection
i crave to read your lying palms and i seek the love that isn't there

gratitude is hard to find in solace
for i feel neither
pitiful words that scream betrayal
your soul uncaring, unbalanced

foolish now, is how i feel
foolish to have believed your words
dripping with the fake scent
of a love never known to me

take advantage of my my caring soul
take it all
drown in my lust and in my love
choke on the emotion your heart adores

the love you so blatantly lack
i see your greed now
shining upon its twisted shrine
my heart is but your centerpiece

shrouded in your ignorance
lost love in all its glory
Elin Roberts Nov 2018
so turns out
naked humanity
in all its vulnerability
seems to have hit
a chord within your soul

tell me why
my scars seem to encourage
an uncomfortable isolation
that is felt within myself
when your gaze averts mine

i can’t help but feel
that your thoughts aren’t understanding
your adamant resistance is clear
when you won’t let me explain
that this isn’t a means to an end

i don’t enjoy what i do
to myself, at least
as if watching the last drop dripping from
a serrated blade
brings any form of peace to my mind

you cut across
the veins of my emotion
with uncaring words that scream
‘i don’t have time to indulge in the attention you seek’
when that isn’t the case at all

call me dramatic
my mind has turned to static
into sound that echo similarly
to the demons that hold my heart close
looking into the eyes of a soul that resembles a ghost

a ghost of a former me
they say lovers are the ones that got away
yet never look at that face in the mirror
watch that gleam in your eyes shimmer
melt away, become the twin sister of decay

watch it melt and rot
let it become an infinite not
not a cause or a claim
not an excuse to anyone asking why your depression
‘is a thing’

you needn’t ever feel
the need to engage
in a conversation where you feel
as though you must explain your pain
because indulging in the small mindedness of bigots who’s higher horse is diseased

is never a necessity
or an accessory

but a privilege
to those who will take the time to listen

and maybe even care.
don't make me my mental health a sin
Elin Roberts Sep 2018
I am a lighthouse standing strong
Against a stormy sea
Beat me down with the violent rain
But I'll never stop being me

A lonely sailor I may be
Stoic in silent solitude
Watching all that is to be, all that is to come
Freedom seems a fleeting scene and reality is seemingly numb

But yet I stay in this place
Resolute is a lonely silence
Watch the clouds, and read the sky
Feel the rain yet remain bone dry
Forever searching for a reason why

Why a lonely lighthouse such as me
Shines so bright when it wishes to be
So easily abled to turn off the light
And embrace the fade of a dark winters night
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