I'm tired of this...

This is it.
Six years come and gone.

I love you.
I tried so ******* hard.

You said you loved me.
But I really wonder if that's true.

My heart hurts.
I'm sick of trying though.

I wish it was easier.
I know what has to be done.

Doesn't mean I want to.
But I cannot waste my life here.

If you will not try.
If you don't want to be with me.

If we don't want the same future.
We can't work towards it together.

Pulling in different directions.
Will only hurt us both more.

I can't do this all alone.
But you're not trying to help me.

I have stated my needs perfectly.
And you have stared straight through them.

As much as this breaks my heart.
Why should I suit you anymore.

You put yourself first.
So I will love myself instead.

If you really truly loved me.
You would have at least tried to keep me.

It arrives,
Unnoticed, unannounced.

Quiet,
At first.

Slow,
Seeping, dripping.

I put it down to a few stressful weeks.
I carry on.

It unpacks,
Worries, anxieties.

Gently,
For now,

Tiptoes,
Whispers, creaks.

‘It will leave soon’ I think ‘It always does.’
I keep going.

It settles in,
Getting comfortable.

Getting louder,
And louder.

Banging thoughts,
Insomnia.

‘Please don’t be happening again’.
I shuffle along my daily routine.

Claws in,
Insidious.

Screaming,
24/7.

Shame, worthlessness,
Hurt.

‘Please go away’.
I’m barely coping.

Growing roots,
Into my brain and heart.

Blossoming pain,
With every beat.

Emptiness, loneliness,
Abandonment.

Silence, Stillness,
‘I can’t move, I can’t cope.’

I have bared my soul,
Spoke my truth,
To all who would listen.

I walked through the flames,
Wondering if I would be burned,
Or scarred on the other side.

I wore it like a badge of honour,
Spoke through tears in my eyes,
And a lump in my throat.

And they did not stop me,
I stopped, I breathed, I spoke,
Composed my truth through broken sobs.

I felt the fear course through my heart,
Saw my pulse beat under my t shirt,
And proceeded to show them my hurt.

I expected rejection, repulsion at my weakness,
But I was revered and my bravery applauded,
Reborn through their kindness and acceptance.

Baptised through the fire of my own heavy truth,
The reward a sea of calm waves and white clouds and endless space,
And a lightness I have not companioned in some time.

When I was young,

I found out I could become invisible.

I didn’t notice straight away,

but there were moments over time,

In the day to day where people,

Would see through me,

As though I was air.

It took time to figure out,

As all skills do.

But it seemed the more I desired it,

The more it illuded me.

At the moments I needed it most,

It was not there.

And at the moments I wanted to be seen, or helped, or loved…

It worked.

It lies shattered and worn.
So many times, broken before.

I wonder if it can even be mended.
So many tiny pieces to be collected.

I stare at it a long time on the floor.
Considering if I can be bothered anymore.

Hearts and trust are not made to be broken.
But given my record I’d swear that they were.

I have not had one person not betray or abandon.
So, at this point I question my ability to care

and forgive and forget and to love without question
vs my suspicions of lies, deceit, hurt and more pain.

I’m at a crossroads here the choice is love or sense
to risk it all or to walk away.

As I lay in the darkness
Playing with shadows
Entertaining phantoms
That may never pass
The moon slowly ducks
Behind some houses
The sky is still dark
But a solitary birdsong
Cuts through the darkness
Like a knife
A lonely but brave call
To the sun to free it
From the darkness
So it may spread it's
Wings once more and
Take flight.
The solitary song
Continues sad but
Brave and beautiful
My heart hurts
For this tiny creature.
For how can it trust
That the sun will
Respond to it's lonely call
As it echos though the still night?
But then through the inky darkness
As the silence settles in
Another faraway song begins
To ****** through the night air
And another and another...
Beautiful brave calls
Determined to break the darkness
In their unity.
Different sounds echo in
A chorus across the already
Lightening night sky,
As though their very calls
Are strong enough to call
Forth the sun
And pull it up by it's roots
And for a moment I nearly believe it.
The chorus grows louder
And more diverse
Pretty song birds
Twittering sweet notes
To the lush low of seagulls
Calling to the sun to rise up
And suddenly as if
Beckoned by their calls
A single ray of sun breaks
The horizon
As their song
Hits a crescendo
And then a lull
As though temporarily humbled
By the sun's answer
To their call
Before bursting
Into full chorus again
In celebration and awe
As the sun rises
For another beautiful day.

You know that pain
the one that creeps in
from the edges of your mind
in the early hours of the morning
as you lie awake and think.

The one that furrows your brow
as you stare at the ceiling
watching shadows move
as sleep evades your
exhausted body and mind.

The one that eats away
at good memories
and solid trust
in relationships
you thought were unbreakable.

The one that brings up
awful memories
and so much guilt
about things that
shouldn’t even matter anymore.

The one that feasts upon
your self-esteem and confidence
and leaves a mere husk in
your wake after yet another
sleepless night.

You have taken everything
I have and this is the time
you choose to ease up
and leave me completely
and utterly alone.

And where am I to turn
to now, without even bad
feelings for company?

You smiled as you cut me,
convincing me it was for my own good.

As I bled you smiled,
and queried my current state.

I panicked and cried,
as I saw it seep through my shirt.

I begged for help,
for anything to make it stop.

You looked upon me,
faked pity in your eyes.

‘I wish I could do something to help’,
you could have considered the consequences.

'Look at me'*
She spat at the mirror.
'What's wrong with you?'
'Everything is wrong.'
She stares at herself and wrinkles her nose in disgust.
'My hair is limp, my eyes look dead, I'm gaining wrinkles and I'm getting fatter.'
She sighed and frowned hard at herself.
'You're very ******* yourself don't you think? You have positive qualities inside and out.'
She stared into her own eyes with a venomous glare.
'No. I don't. I'm unpredictable and unpleasant and...'
'And...?'*
Her eyes welled up.
'Different.'
'You have a mental illness... You cannot help that.'
Her face turned from the mirror wanting to smash the image of her face into a million pieces.
'At least if I were beautiful on the outside it'd be different to how I feel inside.'
'Well how do you feel inside?'
'Misunderstood, abnormal, confused, different and ugly, very very ugly. I wish it were as easy to fix a personality disorder as it is to fix a blemish.'
She avoids her reflection as she leaves the bathroom and continues on with her day.

Idiots don't do drugs.
Think about the statement,
you may disagree initially
but the more you ponder it,
the more you will realise it is true.

Sure everyone experiments,
smokes a joint, pops a pill...
They have a good time,
they leave and go home
thinking 'Yeah that was fun'.

You won't find the bodies of idiots
going into decay
from addiction to a substance
that they need in their life
to escape from the weight of reality.

You won't see below average people
question their ideals
or moral standpoints
you won't hear them questioning
the world around them either.

You won't find a stupid person
crushed from self doubt
and turning to a substance
to feel better for a time
because they simply don't think that way.

These people don't do depression
or mental disorders
on the contrary
I've found many an idiot
claim they don't exist at all.

It's a frightening thing to think
that a ****** addict we pass on
the street could possibly have the answer or cure
to world hunger, cancer or aids locked
away in their brain and even scarier that it will die with them.

I fear for our society
idiots are taking hold
and so full of confidence
that their ideas are great
while brilliant minds fade away without a trace.

'I wonder how I'll handle the next goodbye...?'
This thought haunts and hounds me even at our happiest moments
lurking in the shadows is the constant reminder of the fact that we
are mostly far apart...

Our closeness exists over Skype and conversation and while
I wouldn't change us for the world I do yearn to reach out
and kiss you and hold you and touch you at times...
More times than I'd care to admit.

On the bad days I would give anything to just lay in your arms
and allow myself the comfort of feeling broken
because around you I know I can do that and you
won't judge me for it.

I want to be there when things go wrong for you
I want to be the comforting embrace when you come in from
a long shift, the sanctuary from a world that got the better
of you for today.

I want to be the first to celebrate your successes and cheer you
on from the sidelines when you finally reach the goals you've been
chasing and achieve the things you thought simply weren't possible
because I believed in you all along.

I want to be there for all the big things
and the little things
and the highs
and the lows
and the smiles
and the tears
I want to be there for good
Not visits but for life...

But for now there's still a departure gate
and a flight that cannot be missed
and so until next time I wait
when we meet again until our next kiss.

I was left wide open
as though cut by a knife

Everyone could see the hurt on my face
through the tears I cried

Shock and pain no noise
just a silence that filled the empty space

And that hole in my heart that consumes me
each and every day

Don't lie and say you'll love me forever
if you're after a good time girl

My old heart it loves too quickly
and smashed pieces take a long time to heal

Don't gift me the stars and the moon
if you're planning on parting tomorrow

Don't fill me full of love and hope
then dash it all with sorrow

If you're only going to use and abuse me
don't make yourself my world

Don't try and make me fall for you
if I'm not going to be your girl

And please, most of all,
don't promise me love and your life,
if you're only planning on spending tonight.

It's come to the point where I feel I need help
All these things that I'm feeling I can't deal with myself

I'm losing my temper I'm hurting loved one and friends
And at this point I'd just like it to end

I'm frightened sure but I'm at the end of my rope
And doing this alone I can no longer cope

The mood swings and tempers are out of control
The last thing I want is to end up alone

So I'm making the appointment despite all my fear
And praying to God they can help my head clear

I'd love to be normal and have full control
Something people take for granted, that they don't think of at all

It's like Jeckyl and Hyde are living in my brain
One is the real me, the other is angry, insane

The obsessions and fixations make my life a mess
Everything I do and say I over think, my mind is full of stress

Theres a person inside me I want to evict
They've hung around too long and they're being a ****

I want my mind back, all of it, now
I want you gone forever, see ya later ciao.

I don't know if it's right or wrong
but my emotions in general are just too strong

I care about things people don't even notice
And I feel like the odd one out

I wish I could be normal and have self control
I find this the hardest thing of all

When trouble arises I'm often the culprit
I wish I was normal I wish I could control this

I have arguments I roar I'm fierce I'm a tiger
But tomorrow there's guilt there's remorse and regret

I overreacted I'm sorry I didn't mean it
But most will walk away because they don't understand

I have issues controlling my emotions I know this
and with all my heart and soul I try and control it

But this disorder often gets the better of me
And leaves me full of guilt and apologies

I wish I could be normal I wish I could control it
But I'm ****** up the best I can do is own it.

I am quick to cry and to anger
and people think I'm strange.
They don't see how hard I try to control it,
I know I'm seen as deranged.

Emotions can be overbearing
and it's difficult to stay quiet
when someone upsets me
It's simply not easy to hide it.

I guessed for a long time that the issue was with me.
But I thought I could watch maybe learn their technique.
For keeping a cool head when things get heated.
Instead of losing it over nothing and feeling totally defeated.

I was wrong it turned out.
I don't have breaks I have border as in
borderline personality disorder.

I got a diagnosis
and was incredibly afraid
that people would treat me like someone
who'd contracted the plague.
While I wasn't right,
I wasn't totally wrong,
mental illness is unfortunately
still mostly ignored.

If I was unwell with a headache,
people would ask
'Are you okay?'
'Here I've got Panadol Actifast.'
But when the ills
In the mind and I say
'I'm feeling down'
9 times out of 10 people get freaked out.

So it's tough when you're shamed
For having a disorder
A lot of normal people suffer
So could your son or daughter.
So next time you hear someone say
'I'm feeling down.'
Do me one favour
and please,
just don't freak out.

It's hard enough already dealing
with this day to day
without having friends
turn their backs and walk away.

I feel most lonely when sitting at my computer.

There is the promise of knowledge, creativity, friends, love, companionship, shared ideals and inspiration.

But the reality of constant connectivity is quite different.

Bullying goes on outside of school.

Oppressive people find each other and a platform to taunt and torment their victims.

Idiots band together and spread stupidity like a modern black plague.

Intelligent ideas are challenged and the people who thought them up as stupid.

Creativity is put down and judged.

People are separated instead of united.

And love? Love seems to be non existent as the ignorant people who turn on their computers to put down good and promote evil don't even realise that there is a real person on the other side of that screen, and even then some do.

My news feed is full of bad news.

Full of sexism, ****, inequality, torment, animal abuse, war, ignorance, stupidity oppression, child abuse and ultimately hate.

I realise the collective imagination is dying when I can't even remember what it is I did before this accursed computer came into my life and took over.

My rewards are nothing but imagined friends and fake conversations over text, we're communicating but not connecting, something in me longs to be back when if I didn't meet my friends regularly we lost touch because that is how real relationships are supposed to work.

With care, effort, meet ups and real conversation.

Emotion instead of emoticons.

Care instead of clicks.

Laughter instead of likes.

When photographs were precious personal memories rather than a trophy of 'look where I am' 'look how pretty I am' 'look at how much fun we're having' and sharing them meant a coffee or a few beers and a trip down memory lane flipping through dusty photo albums and laughing at your awful clothes, make up, hair and the state you were in rather than scrolling back through your online albums alone and commenting on how horrendous your photoshop jobs on some of them are.

When people were living their life for themselves rather than living to try and impress others.

When it was face to face rather than facebook to facebook.

I feel most lonely when sitting at my computer.