Jealousy changes you—it completely shifts your mind and paradigm and way of thinking and way of seeing things.

Jealousy  makes your brain cloudy with anger, unable to think clear.

Jealousy makes you succumb to the gruesome power of fear.

Jealousy raises up your ego in a heartbeat, making you defending yours like your whole life clings to it.

Jealousy takes your will to love—if it's still there at all. Because who knows loving someone could be this exhausting?

Jealousy makes you a repugnant, revolting human being.

...and jealousy has successfully done every single thing above, to me.

Cinta bukan melulu soal siapa yang lebih dulu. Yang telah lama singgah bisa jadi sama rapuhnya dengan yang sekedar lalu-lalang.

Cinta bukan melulu soal detak jantung yang berdegup kencang, bukan melulu soal pupil yang melebar. Yang telah kehilangan nafasnya bisa jadi yang semenjak dahulu telah menyimpan asa.

Cinta bukan melulu soal hukum tawar-menawar. Saat sudah kehabisan apa yang ditawarkan, terkadang cinta dengan naifnya tetap menyambut dengan tangan terbuka. Persetan dengan hukum ekonomi, yang memberi kurang bisa jadi telah memberi seluruh yang mereka miliki.

Cinta bukan melulu soal mengabaikan ketidaksempurnaan. Justru cinta menerima seutuhnya, segala kesempurnaan maupun ketidaksempurnaan. Setiap gores dan luka, bukalah mata dan terimalah mereka dengan utuh. Yang terlihat baik bisa jadi membuatmu menutup mata atas keburukan mereka.

Cinta bukan melulu soal apa yang terlihat, karena bisa jadi indera kita dibuatnya luluh lantak di hadapannya.

Hi, it's me again. I'm sorry for still bothering you after all this time, but I can't help myself from picking up my phone and text you, because that's what I used to do all the time whenever I wasn't occupied. When I don't think of anything, I think of you. No, scratch that. I don't think of you only when I'm alone at 3 AM, I do too when I'm busy and stressed out with my job during the day. Even until now. I don't know if you still think of me though, after all it seems like you're really in love with her. Please take care of her and treat her as good as how you used to treat me, and I hope she'd treat you much better than how I used to treat you back then. I still regret all the words left unspoken inside of my head the moment you said you couldn't do it anymore and decided to walk away. I was shocked and sad, yet I couldn't say anything because I know I've always been the selfish one. It was all my fault. I ruined this. In that moment, all I could think was to finally stop being selfish and let you pursuit your happiness without being held back by me. Once again, I'm sorry for bothering you like this. I wish you well, because you deserve all the happiness in the world. Please let me know if you need anything from me, I'll be glad to help. You know you can always reach me out in a phonecall away, right? Good night.

*Read at 02:50 AM

Dear love,

I still remember the first day when we first met.
Our first date, my first ever.
Every little thing, every small detail; I could still recall it picture-perfectly.
Who would’ve thought we could make it this far?

Through thick and thin, we’ve been through a lot.
We’ve faced both heaven and hell on earth together, and tasted both the sweet and the bitter.
Yet my faith for you never falters, nor my love for you ever fades out.

Being with you, I’ve learned many things others never taught me before.

You taught me how to be a compassionate human being;
One who would be willing to go out of their way just for the one they love.

You taught me how to be a selfless human being;
One who would put down one’s ego and wouldn’t mind who’s right or wrong,
One who wouldn’t mind saying sorry and owning up to one’s mistake.

You taught me how to be a resilient human being;
One who wouldn’t give up so easily.

And the most importantly,
You taught me how to love and appreciate myself more;
One who would wake up to someone relentlessly admiring another’s existence oh-so unconditionally.

Whatever it is that life has bestowed upon us, we shall get through the murky, stormy sky.

I shall love you until my fleeting vassal turns into nothingness.

Everlastingly yours,
Detha

Looking at the picture of your house made me daydream about the day when I finally stood in front of your door and you waited for me to knock. My hands hovered with hesitation, trembled in vain, held by the bind of doubts and what ifs. I did not knock yet you knew that I was there, just like that you felt my presence; I could barely remember when did you start became so intuitive. Door slammed open, two pairs of eyes met for a fleet second and hands intertwined that instant. Our souls entangled and we swore in that moment we were infinite. Your very self broke down and I myself ruptured when we decided to lock the door and got ourselves enraptured by the feelings of regret, with cheeks wet and hairs messed. We caught each other’s clothing damp with god knows how much tears, yet we did not seem thirsty. I would not dare to say that we were sober, as we perpetually drank shots of our life essence—shaken, not stirred—and got a little intoxicated. I could taste our consciousness altered, surging like a mind-numbing deluge within our insides; I was afraid that we might get hangovers by the time the sun rose. Your fingers traced down my veins, yearned for unceasing strong pulses and tried to elucidate that it was not a dream, that it was not a pure delusional fantasy resonated by a mere cerebral cortex. Hearts beaten by the way we caress every single affliction that bonded the two of us, broke free from the misery we deliberately lived. Pieces by pieces you filled the cavity that used to draw close my heart and it was long gone after you. Now that we literally got each other’s back in our grasp, I could imagine how fragile yet how sturdy these very chassis that held two living beings could get. The boundaries fell into oblivion as we slowly melt ourselves together; like ice cream in the sun, like iron in the welding pit, like wolves beneath the moon, like thunder on the shore shut silent by thick clouds of entity. Fingers crossed that there would be no more 3.444 miles and two vexing timezones away between us. Like tempered glass on a car crash, I crumbled and I gave myself to you as whole. Our breath so fervent, fire could not seem to burn us. Knees weaken thus bodies slid down the wall, creaked the wooden floor and just like that shoes scattered and so did our heads, thoughts messed just the way we liked it. One year, two years, five years, ten years, one divine eternity and I still would not let this moment lapse.

all this time,
i could never imagine that
this day would eventually come.

the day when someone would actually make me a priority.
the day when someone would actually be willing to stay awake for me.
the day when someone would actually be willing to take risks for me.
the day when someone would actually look at me dead in the eye and tell me that i'm beautiful.
the day when i could actually feel that i'm being loved unconditionally.
the day when i could actually bare myself until the very last fragment; until the deepest, darkest piece of me.

all hell breaks loose when you and i found each other.

Dear Love,

Hereby I solemnly pour down all my feelings for you in the form of a writing; waiting for you to read it.

Tired, sad, and mad.
Anger, emotions, and fatigue.

We've been through many things together, yet we haven't been through everything. All that we are is just an insignificant speck of dust around gigantic stars with planets worshipping them relentlessly; but I'm sure there's nothing and no one in the world who could worship each other more than us.

Despite everything, despite the madness,
despite the distresses — thank you for staying.

With love,
Detha

she's a mess.
a repugnant creature who doesn't know how to live a life, merely surviving. nods to everything she's told to do, a wretched sheep following herds of lost souls. how does one never thinks for herself?

he's a mess.*
a human with no humanity, lost his every sense to feel. delusional wight blinded by power and wealth, his money-driven grandiose reveries full of portentous capitalism. big-mouthed, greedy mortal who **** after status quo, speaks in vanity but no truth ever comes out.

raindrops crashes into the soil, succumbs to the force of gravity. mother of earth seemingly wants to share its sadness, but doesn't know who to vent to.

gloomy sky never fails to stir the emotion of humans beneath it. for some, rain makes them feel calm and relaxed; some also might be reminded of their unrequited love, reminded of someone, somewhere.

meanwhile, i keep imagining how it's like to kiss your cheek only for a fleet second, how it's like to hold your hands amidst pervading petrichor.

but you're out there, holding your hands
with someone

somewhere.

and you left me so hollow,
like a mere slate of metal;
so much space
like it’s nearly a thousand light year,
the distance between
keeps stretching;
the way you softly rupture the very existence
of my eventual broken bones,
like a block of iron during the storm
left to corrode.

i've always been wondering why did i attract the most broken people
but it wasn't until i met you

you were never the prince on a white horse
but as the time goes on, every imperfection of yours becomes a clarity for me
and i cling to your beautiful mess of a flaw like my life depends on it

i want to mend the crippled parts within you
but you're the one who fixed me instead
i want to save you from the surging sadness
but you're the one who saved me instead

we're the broken pieces in the land of misfit toys
the misfits among the misfits
but we fit each other perfectly, pieces by pieces

Dear love,

I'm writing this at four in the morning as I relentlessly contemplate about how much I cherish you as a person, treasure you as a best friend, and adore you as a lover. These feelings are overflowing my insides like a deluge, and the constant surge never subsides — always flooding my chest and making it feels as heavy as ever, just like when you loomed over my body and took a bit of my breath. I hereby would like to remind you over and over again that I could never and would never be thankful enough for the opportunity to know such a kindhearted human being like you and the very privilege to have you right by my side for more than a year already. We've gotten so far and we've finally come to an understanding that all the wears and tears apparently only made our clasping hands stronger instead of weaker and our mortal selves better instead of worse. Until the dawning of time when each of our gentle souls leave its fragile vessel, I'd like to humbly request you to kindly let me stay for a while.

Forever yours,
Detha

i used to be your damon,
you used to be my pythias;
but now we barely talk,
i endlessly wondered why.

not too long after,
i finally found out why.
turned out you find your new damon,
just like that i lost my phytias.

she got everything i'd never have,
and i got nothing to keep you close by.

photos of us remain in each of our instagram account,
only to be buried with your new friendship.

scary thoughts went through my head,
sleepless nights kept me awake for weeks.
am i that easily replaceable?
i said over and over again.

it's too abrupt,
the departure of yours from my life.
i couldn't cope,
losing you hurts more than a million heartbreaks.

i miss you,
but you're long gone.
the old you is no longer,
and i'm only left with a speck of memories.

i've always been mesmerized by the concept that sometimes a home isn't always in the form of closed doors and four sides of walls.
sometimes a home isn't always in the form of empty rooms and echoing goodbyes.

sometimes a home is a person.
and for me, that person is you.

there's no place like home,
there's no place like you.

fear is such an ugly thing;

it gives you a sense of insecurity,
knowing just how many things that can go wrong.

it gives you a sense of uncertainty,
unknowing just what are the odd
of the things that can go wrong—
or would they ever happen at all.

it numbs you,
making you lose the ability to feel.

because why would you even choose
to feel only to get hurt,
if you could shut yourself down
from the whole world
before you got hurt?

it alters your mind,
turning you from a logical human being
to a big incoherent, irrational pile of mess.

and the most frightening thing of all,
is that fear scares you so much
that you can't do anything
but giving in to it.

your very existence is like the oxygen;

you make my insides burn,
yet i just can't seem to have enough of you.

hell,
one minute without you
and i'm already suffocating;
turning blue and purple,

ran cold;
limp;
lifeless;
empty.

black is achromatic, neutral, having no hue.
black is the color of void, the very epitome of nothingness - the absence of entity.
black is the symbol of uncleanness and impurities.

it is non-deity.
it is the only color that could perfectly capture our existence, for we are the mortals, we are the sinners.

without lights, darkness would still remain.
but without darkness, lights' significance would cease to exist.

a bed so big
a room so empty
a void that you left
is slowly killing of me

hugging a pillow during my sleep pretending it was you, was the loneliest thing that i’ve ever done; constantly wishing how nice it is if it were your hands that i was holding

but no,

my fist clenched the bedsheets in the most distressing way possible; to think that i got used to waking up facing the cold wall pretending it was you made me contemplate nonstop:

what if someday i got accustomed to the coldness and the silence so well, that i couldn’t take the heat and the hitch between each of your breath?

Dear Love,

Engulfed within the darkness of the night, I'm writing this to you in hopes that I'd convey at least a bit of my utmost sincere gratitude to you for being so kindly decided to be around. Let me kneel before you and humble myself in front of you, for you're the only one who could and would embrace me wholly and completely. I can assure you that I don't have any other needs nor motives behind me asking for your constant presence other than the desire to love you wholly and completely in return. Allow me then to submit myself to you as whole, for you're the only one who could and would take me as it is; unpolished, raw, untouched.

Longing for you badly,
Detha

"Hush,"
He said,
As he slid his finger to my lips;

"Why,"
I asked,
"Why not me?"
As I swiped my tears from my cheeks;

"Because you're not her,"*
He said,
As he slowly let go of my hands.

Dear Love,

It's three in the morning,
And I couldn't wish for anything
But your warmth right beside me.

Missing you always,
Detha

don't tell me how to love.

not today, not now, not tomorrow, not ever. no, never.

show me.

"You've come again." I said, indifferent, unbothered, unwavering.
"Yes." his voice cold, merciless, blunt, unforgiving.
"Are you here to finally accept me?" I asked him, a hint of hopefulness in my voice betrayed me.
"No, I just wanna see you." he answered coldly still.
"Isn't that a bit cruel?" I kept my response as calm as I could.

He'd do that all the time. He would mock me by coming to see me, by keeping his distance, by making sure he's just barely in my sight, by making sure I can feel his presence, by making sure that I know he won't approach me, by teasing me to come to him first.

We stayed like that for quite a moment, keeping our thoughts to ourselves, not looking at each other, keeping the suspense hanging in the air.

"I can't always hold back, you know?" I finally spoke, breaking the silence
"Then don't," his voice was even colder than before, "embrace me."
"You really are cruel." I hesitated.

I wanted to tell him, I wanted to feel him, I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want to admit it.

There's another long stretch of painful silence. He was calm though I could feel his air of anticipation. I could feel his slight impatience. I could see through the uncaring front he was putting on. He wanted the same thing as I did, yet the two of us were stubborn to let on.

I thought about how foolish this is. We both wanted to feel the touch of the other. We knew that this wouldn't happen all the time, and we knew that the next time I see him could probably be the best time to see each other or it could be too late. I knew I had to make up my mind.

After a while I could hear the sound of his cloak slowly dragging on the floor. This was it. It was then or never and so I found the courage to speak.

"Stop," I said, sounding weaker and more vulnerable than I intended, "please, stop."

He said nothing, instead he waited for me to continue. Even so, I knew his heart was racing as hard as mine.

I turned around to face the back of his head. The light from outside the door illuminated him ever so beautifully, yet the shadow it casted was eerie, unsettling even, but I braced myself.

"Take me with you," this time I sounded certain, and I was glad of it, "I don't want to do this anymore. Please, take me with you."

He turned around and looked at me straight in the eyes. It was an intense, piercing look going through my soul and for the first time since ever, he smiled. He reached out his hands and immediately I took them. They were cold, yet comforting. He pulled me closer and held me in his arms.

"Let's go." he said softly to my ears.

And so, I went with death to the other side, and it was the relief that I've always been looking for.

"you know what you are?"
"what?"
"you're both the stormy night and the calm morning after."

i was a mere withering grass, you were a morning dew.
you succumbed to the power of gravity, i let the wind blew me away — we crossed path.

i was a palpitating mess with faint pulses beneath my skin;
and so were you, i found out.

we still are.

Dear Love,

I solemnly swear that
I will stay.

Fide et amor,
Detha

i.
As I looked up,
I see
A cunning adult;
Constantly taking over my life.

ii.
As I looked down,
I see
A pitch-black shadow;
Engulfing me in the dark.

iii.
As I looked ahead,
I see
A mere child;
Laughing at my failures.

iv.
As I looked back,
I see
A grim nightmare;
Smiling from ear to ear.

People I know and love are gone,
Gone by the wind;
For they're falling apart,
Like leaves during the fall.