New decade is coming along,
but it feels all wrong.
I feel all my memories pass by,
remembering the nights all I did was cry.
Knowing what it took to get to this,
looking through and being able to reminisce.
2020 is said to be mine,
redefine and realign.
Endings are sad,
beginning are scary,
there's no rhyme,
because sometimes life is confusing.

I'm burdened with stress,
The plans that parents press,
and over grades, they obsess,
all to get to success,
my screams I must suppress,
Have no choice but try to impress,
but I must confess,
all this lead to no progress,
my life is such a mess

A good friend
4 years in fact.
She's always been there,
not one fight shes always fair
The other day in a rush,
she slipped and said too much
The pain inside,
she tells me she started to transfer it outside
4 years she did a certain incident,
4 years what a coincidence
I had no clue,
that her skies were anything but blue
Turns out no one knew,
which is nothing new
I cried the entire night,
scared she'd find the light
Trying to find a way,
to take her pain away
So much happen,
I can't even fathom
What she went through,
for a good minute, I didn't even think it was true
But that you can't fake,
my happiness it did take
I should have known,
maybe could have stopped those actions I condone
I thought her smile was real,
turns out she couldn't deal
didn't let anyone in
didn't let it out
kept it in
till it took resident upon her skin
I called her my best friend
but I couldn't see
the sadness swallowing her
guilt is all I feel
I couldn't help her when she needed me the most
what kind of friend
is that?

my keyboard is broken
like me
so some leer will be missing
hoefllly yo can ndersand
i'm broken
and like my keyboard
i'm missing things which
i can be cant be wihot
if yo can ndersand this
then maybe yor broken o
becase yo ndersand my brokeness which
is more then i ca say abot alot of eole

Writing is the drug,
anxiety is the withdrawal,
talking is the rehab,
and being told I'm wrong is the relapse.

Every time he leaves I'm brought back to reality.
That this is just ***,
nothing more,
what we once had is gone.
Eeverytime he leaves I know that he is no good,
that what we are doing is no good.
But when he is here,
I am convinced we still have it,
the flame that kept us alive this long,
the connection I long for,
the love I so desperately want.
When he is here, I convince myself,
that he hold me out of love,
and that his touches are filled with care.
When he is here I'm convinced we're in love.
But right after the moment has passed,
he tells me "I don't love you".
A slap in the face that shatters the reality I just built.
The truth that I can't handle.
I tell him to get out,
to leave,
Hoping one day he will stay.

I've been broken since the beginning.
Like a seed you found in the trash,
and planted in a dark room.
Deprived the warmth of a mother, like the sun
and sprinkled with attention like water.
I was put into the hands of someone,
with black thumbs.
Denied the fight denied the chance,
dead at first glance.

"You want to major in English"
"Yes"
"Do you like writing"
I just laugh at them and think back,
when I got in trouble for writing,
got out of trouble for writing,
escaped by writing,
and how I fallen in love with it.
"Yeah I do"
It is the only thing I can always do,
and it never fails to make me feel better.

You need to be scared,
scared that any slip up could be fatal.
Not for you of course,
for the ones you forget about.
the ones you chose your self over.
Like your step dad,
when was the last time you said hi,
while you were slipping out into the night.
They will be gone and,
You're not getting them back.
You need to be scared.
You need to think everyones going to die,
because they will.
You need to spend every moment giving love to others.
Stop being selfish,
you don't matter,
you need to be scared.

Control is an illusion,
that I thought I could master.
I tried hard and fell harder.
my happiness took a hit,
and my motivation took a plunge.
Here I stand realizing,
I haven't felt alive in a long time.

I'm tired.
Tired of convincing myself that it was them,
and not me.
Tired of trying to understand their uninterest,
in me.
I'm tired.
Tired of lying to myself,
that one day ill find the one that will,
love me.

Forever is not forever,
It never is.
Life is not forever,
But neither is death.
And happiness is just the promise,
Holding us together.

When I was little,
I was taught that love was sacred.
When you say it,
you mean it.
I said I love you,
and now I'm stuck.
Because you don't love me anymore.

Now were friends with history,
the worst type,
friends that were meant to be so much more.

Song on repeat,
I feel every beat.
It's filled with emotion,
and every word is the truth.
Fear is the emotion,
regret it the obstacle,
indifference is the goal.

Is God real?
This is a hard topic.
What is religion?
is it going to church every day,
praying every day,
not drinking, not smoking, no sin, no mistakes?
I used to think this,
but now I believe that it is whatever ever you believe,
many turn away from faith because they believe, no they fear they will not be able to live.
I believe there is a place where my grandfather rest along with my doggie,
I believe they are looking out for me while I wear this cross around my neck,
I believe they understand what I do and understand I'm a child,
That will make mistakes and needs to live,
I believe there is a higher up picking roses from a garden on earth to make his garden in heaven just a little bit brighter.
This is what I believe.
This is my religion.
It's not for everyone but some might just take a second thought to the things I have written about. Just maybe.

I'm addicted to writing,
My feelings, my thoughts.
not only writing poems,
but letters and stories.
Pen and paper,
Computer and keyboard,
marker and board,
anything but,
I'll always need more.

Speechless,
I stare at you,
Peacefully,
You stare back.
I was always so amazed,
And you just like the feeling.

It was near the end,
when I was convinced I was dead,
you held me tight and told me,
I would be alright.
That same night you kept me company,
to keep my mind off of it.
Thats the only love I ever wanted,
someone who would stay,
when I was anything but okay.
If only you would let yourself,
do the same.

I stay awake restless,
this beast I fight is bold,
his name is longing,
and from the shadows I hear his calling,
the crown is unattainable,
this feeling is unexplainable,
when you let me out of your embrace,
he takes your space

As the power flicks in and out
I'm terrified,
not about the power but about what I see it as,
I see it as us
one moment it so clear, its so perfect, nothing is wrong,
and in the next second the power is out and isn't promised to turn back on,
and even if it does turn back on you remember for a time,
paranoid predicting when and if it will happen again.
Because nothing works when the power is out,
you are helpless,
lit by candles that provide no warmth,
When the power goes out I can't help but think of us,
no matter how small the fight was it still remains,
not for sure if we can fix it,
and when we do we will find something else to bicker about,
until our flame goes out completely and we are left trying to light up the world with a match.

I'm stuck for eternity,
for infinity.
Following this illusion,
this intention.
Chasing the tide,
and following the current.
Hoping it will lead me back to you.

The excitement,
the acceptance,
that's what I liked about you.
you didn't judge and alway supported.
and when it came to ***?
You were the best.
You knew what was not said,
but I did too,
so I think this is the end.

I wanna pack up,
Leave my body vacant,
So it can rest.
All these thoughts,
Leave my head tired,
Leave my mind restless.
All these feelings,
Leave my heart full,
And confused.
One night,
One escape,
A getaway

tired and depressed
lost and abandoned
no love
no hope
until one day i stumbled on a drink that made me feel alive
don't let the name depressant fool you
it slows my reactions the thoughts
the voices that tell me i'm worthless
alcohol was the solution i have been searching for
even better it was always there
always there.... and if i drink a little more the high lasts a little longer
i was all alone and hurt
until alcohol came and clouded everything
it was the escape i needed
and that is how i was made an alcoholic

Sneaking drinks,
because I'm not old enough.
At first it was fun,
now it's not as much.
Now I'm drinking because "I've had a long day"
and I like the static that comes.
Now I'm drinking because "I don't feel happy"
and I like the butterflies that comes.
Now I'm drinking because "I don't want to be sober"
and I like the blackout that comes.
The static sounds out the yelling and crying,
from my family.
The butterflies replace the feeling he use to give me,
that's no longer there.
The blackout helps me sleep with my thoughts,
that tell me it's time to go.
Sneaking drinks,
because I'm not old enough.
At first it was fun,
now I need it.

Edited,

Altered,

You changed me,

And left me cold.

Alone and naked,

Exposed and unwanted.

You abandoned me.

I want that great type of love,
the one that you know what it is from the beginning.
I want that sweet slow fall,
where your scared to risk it all,
but you can't help it.
I want the butterflies,
and the long nights,
the ones where you stay up all night not believing this is your life.
I want that deep type of love,
the one that's worth the fight,
even when it doesn't look so bright.
I want the love,
that everyone dreams of,
everyone longs for,
I want that love,
but, I want it with you.

People are so eager to say,
"You are enough"
to shove,
"self love" down your throat.
but when you're tossed aside,
by everyone,
how can I believe that I'm,
deserving of love

I used to roll my eyes,
when people said love is dead,
but as I wipe the tears away,
I'm afraid hope is too.

ADMIT IT!
I screamed at my reflection.
YOU'VE BEEN DEAD SINCE THAT DAY
I yelled at the tear stained face.
When he left you died.
The distraction that was keeping you happy,
left.
You have nothing.
Now you're so empty.
So numb that it hurts,
just admit it.

My dad,
I need my dad.
I need my dad.
Please don't take my dad.

DEATH is cruel,
DEATH is uncaring.
HE takes without care,
without worry.
DEATH is final.
DEATH scares me.
Not mine,
but everyone else.
loneliness is quiet,
loneliness is sad.
loneliness scares me.
Being left here,
all alone with the memories of how it use to be.

he asked me,
"have you ever been depressed"
I mentally laugh because "been" like past tense.
but I answer yes confidently as I had beat the little pest.
I asked him the same and he said yes but not any more,
and in awe I ask "how did you stop?"
he talked about it so easily,
but I struggle so hard.
He said he just knew he had to do it for him,
and instead of hope,
I felt pain,
as depression tucked me in.

Its been 30 minutes,
were eating at the kitchen counter,
but were both watching the cake,
that chocolate cake that he loved.
I wonder how long it will stay there?
One day passed, then two,
I came home on the third,
and it wasn't there anymore.
Some how it felt like the day you left.
Now were at the counter,
staring at the coffee ***,
that we refuse to touch.
His memories crowd this house,
even if he's gone.

Title, Poem, Notes.

Me and you,
I love you,
A poem you'll never read.

I remember,
every Christmas you got tissues.
I remember,
your cooking,
you always sleeping.
But it feels like there should be more,
why isn't there more.
I am pushing myself to remember,
your smile,
the one you never wore.
I am trying to remember a time before the hospital beds,
I am trying to forget that you are the one who made me believe.
I am trying to remember my papa,
the one that never lost his humor,
the one that made everyone smile,
even when you knew you weren't going to make it.
I remember the call,
my step mom at the table,
"Papa passed last night"
I don't want to remember that.
I don't want to remember how I lost faith.
I want to be able to open my Christmas card,
and instead of a dollar from heaven,
I'll have a hess truck wrapped up,
and I'll be able to open it and smile at you,
instead of the clouds.
Please never let me forget you.

Written in my body,
words not spoken,
I don't know if you need me but I do,
my heart is bending,
last time we spoke you left an echo in my heart that made me cautious,
I have a confession,
hoping you hear me,
wondering if any part of me,
could say something,
give in, say **** it and be loud,
written in my body,
lingering in my heart,
words not spoken,
saying I love you still.

I was starving,
yet I couldn't eat.
Little did I know,
I was deprived of happiness,
and that was just the start.
I had been hiding,
in work, food and lies.
Telling myself I just needed a nap.
I need happiness, I need to speak,
I have to write.




slowly

                  my
                                 hunger





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