Please
Talk to me
Save me from the monsters
Inside my head

Please
Talk to me
I don't want to die
Trying to fend off my thoughts

Please
Talk to me
Because I can't seem to say anything
Because my mind is louder than my own voice

Please
Talk to me
This is a desperate cry
Begging you to save me from myself.

As I step out into the world
A starry night sky greets me
And for some reason
I bump into you

And there, you apologized
Thinking you did something
That I would've been mad about
But no, all I wanted was affection

And there, you told me
How you asked her how she felt
And if she could reciprocate your feelings
And if you had a chance

And you pretended I was her
As you told your story, back hug
As you gently face me, another hug
And then and there, I felt confused

I've always been
The rock
Underneath the gems;
Nothing but a barrier to others.

I'm always the ugly duck;
An eyesore
But follows the group
Even if I don't belong

I'm never special
Nor unique,
Nor interesting.
And yet I pretend to be.

I'm too scared to say something
In case the world hears
How pathetic I sound
And criticizes me again.

let's lose sleep
thinking about how hungry we are, craving for each other,
hands rushing towards each other like waves,
greedily filling each other's void, fingers intertwined.

let's lose sleep over
thinking about the endless possibilities,
the world, even; almost anything, really,
as we lay there, the silence engulfing us.

let's lose sleep over
feeling the cold breeze of the night,
a tint of alcohol and blush on your rose dusted cheeks,
as we struggle to feel each other's warmth and heat.

let's lose sleep over
the fact that
this will only happen
in my dreams.

minsan ang sansinukob,
minsan ang namamagitan sa ating dalawa.
minsan ang kalawakan,
minsan ang hinihingi para makahinga.

11:02pm

"Goodnight".
The most consistent lie I ever say
When I pretend to sleep
But all I can do is lie awake thinking and thinking.

Why am I still up
In a corner of a room in darkness,
Headphones blasting silence
My thoughts louder than the world.

Static noise filled with jargon
Nothing
A computer screen sitting quietly
And a kid whose mind is on the run.

I've been so used to being lonely and self loathing that I end up pushing everyone away, hoping that it'll all go away.

This nasty feeling inside me needs to stop.

But something's telling me the only way I could ever do that is if I make myself stop.

Stop, halt. Ending.

How stupid of me
To push people away
Afraid
They might pretend to care but actually don't

How stupid of me
To isolate myself
Destroying an avenue
Where I could've been helped

How stupid of me
To be like this
Attempt to ask for help
But too scared to speak up once helped.

I tried suspending a heavy object
from my ceiling,
testing a hook ***** I found
lying around in my room.

As soon as it fell,
I took some superglue
and squeezed it onto the *****'s threads,
hoping it'll stick into the ceiling well.

Superglue advertisements often endorse
their superb sticking ability;
let's see,
can it properly hang me?

the first time i did it,
my neck didn't break, the rope fell,
and the ***** simply came off;
it couldn't support me.

the other attempts,
I've been trying,
but I always kept telling myself there's still
some reason out there for me to try and fight this.

I guess tonight isn't one of those days.
Here's to hoping
the superglue on my ceiling
gets to hold me nice and tight.

The thing is
Will I matter
Even if
No one sees me?

The thing is
Will I be heard
Even if
No one chooses to hear me?

The thing is
If I let myself be drowned
By my own thoughts
Will anyone save me?

A sad song is playing,
And I'm here,
Lying on my bed,
Thinking.

They always tell me
That they're there
But why does it feel like
Whatever I say won't make sense anyway?

I'm too tired
Too tired to open my eyes
To a world
Where peace remains an ideology.

I'm too tired
Too tired to argue
And share my opinions
Because I forgot it didn't matter.

I'm too tired
Too tired to walk in a life
Where I constantly battle myself
Myself, and all these wounds and scars.

I'm too tired
Too tired to try and speak up
When people around me tell me my problems are nothing
And I end up melting ever so painfully from the inside.

And I'm too tired
To even wake up and start the day
Despite everything that has happened
Because why would I matter?

i love you. and i miss you.
though only the clicking of the keyboard can hear
and the silence of the night can tell,
this distance makes the night grow colder.

i want to melt in your embrace,
and no longer will i fear protecting my soul
from my demons wanting to inhale every inch of my soul;
i no longer have to fear being alone.

through glass sheets and LED screens,
i no longer have to fear to start over again
when giving away a little part of me;
i no longer have to fear opening up and letting my heart out to you.

through airplane rides and bumpy roadsides,
i no longer have to find solace in the warmth of a blanket,
or the voice over a phone,
or the presence on a screen.

love, i'll meet you soon.

To You

Shade and spiteful
How carelessly I thought
You were better than
Them.

I shouldn't have written this poem
In fear that they think I still think about you
You were a memory, long forgotten
And one I'd rather not recall.

For some reason,
The nights get colder,
The days get hotter,
But we weren't getting better.

For some reason,
You weren't happier,
We saw each other lesser,
And you found someone better.

It was always like this, anyway.
I was alone with my thoughts.
Anxiety, doubt, worry.
But all you said was 'Sorry'.

I don't miss you.
I just think of your voice.
I just think of what could've been.
I don't miss you, I just long for you.

test me
my waters have remained constant
rippling, reaching
as far as the eye can see
into the horizon; the water surrounds me
my knowledge is useless
when drowning in these waters;
i can only flail desperately
as my movements create ripples
out into the open sea
all these efforts
all in vain
all in my vein
blood rushing out
like the sea, light then heavy
then strong
like the sea, with a strong smell of salt
this time, the waters are red
and they reek of iron

test my waters
they’ve been stained crimson
with my lifeline

What am I
To a million people
Whose names are numbers
Waiting to be counted?

What am I
Other than a mispronounced name
And a character of no value
Who often becomes forgotten?

What am I
Aside from being a drunken thought
Whose name you scream
And whose heart wrenches at your drunken sight?

What am I
When I become frustrated
At how much I love you
But can't find the right words to say?

What am I
To you
When all I've ever been used to being
Is nothing?

I've always wondered "why"
Why can't I write
Fluffy and warm poems,
Making me happy?

Why can't I write happy poems
Without hating myself?
Why can't I write about falling in love
Without cringing and deleting it?

Why are my friends
So good at writing poems
And making people feel
All these good emotions?

I want to be happy.
I want to be truly happy with whatever I'm doing.

I saw you today.
You two didn't talk
And seemed like strangers
But I knew better.

I saw you today.
You were still handsome
Attractive, oddly
And charming.

I saw you today.
I still like you.
But I know my feelings
Were nothing to you.