11.11

I'm superstitious.
I always have been.
I don't think that part of me will ever change.
And I've been making 11.11 wishes for quite some time.
And sometimes they work.
My recent one worked.
In a completely backwards and crazy way.
I'm not gonna say what I wished for but it has something to do with a man named Sam.
I thought I loved him.
I wanted there to be an us.
But then one day I ran into you.
You weren't the Sam I was expecting.
But you're Sam.
And you like me.
And you actually want me.
And it's as if my 11.11 wish was answered.
It just got mixed up.
And I believe everything happens for a reason.
And I believe this could be something wonderful.....

Twenty five minutes into my birthday and I'm a bit sad.........

I knew I shouldn't have let myself fall that fast that day..........

Phonecalls
Late nights
Your voice
Taxi drives.
Cocktails
Beers
Apartment heaters
Christmas cheer.

I'm
F
A
   L
     L
       I
        N
          G
too fast
too hard
for you.

I CAN'T

It's currently 3.40am and I'm laying awake picturing tomorrow.
Your accent spinning round in my mind.
Bringing me back to Friday.
And this evening.
I know you 2 days and I feel like I've known you a lifetime.
It's crazy.
I'm crazy.
Of course everyone I have mentioned you to disapproves.
But I really don't care right now.
The hope you inspire in me is beautiful.
The fact that you think I'm pretty is amazing.
I'm shocked at how well we get along.
And after two days of knowing you.....
Actually after two hours of knowing you...
I think i've fallen once again.
Except this time...
I think you may have fallen a little bit too.....

It's 4am and I still can't sleep
My insomnia came rushing back the day I met you
I just don't wanna miss you..
Even if that's all I can do
Are my words making sense babe
Are they
Because I'm not too sure
I just keep breathing
Breathing the words
As though inhaling your sweet smell
I cannot stop thinking about you
And it's 4am
And you don't even know me.
And I don't know you.

Its 5am and I've been 'sleeping' for 7 hours.
What a brilliant lie.
How am I going to function tomorrow...

I write slightly intoxicated.
Maybe it's from tge *****.
Or maybe it's from you r kisses.
Or the way you felt on that rooftop.
All I now is I've not felt like this for a long while.
And you seem to know everything I could need.
Kissing you makes me high.
Touching you gets me drunk.
You touching me.
Holding me.
Well that's almost enought to make me passs out.
What am was I saying,
Oh, yeah
You make me feel really quite special.
Intoxicated
And it's not just hte ***** talking.

I didn't mean to kiss you.
I just happened to fall in love.

It's been hard to stay in touch,
You're out chasing all your dreams.
And I'm sat here
Loving you.
Trying to make plans.
Trying to have adventures.
But not one person I try to have any sort of adventure with has been anything like you.
Not even close.
I doubt I'll ever find another..

Message me or something, it doesn't matter who you are.

But if I met up with the Australian guy and kind of slept with him after I turn 18 in a few weeks would i regret it?


I'm sorry this isn't poetry but I love how so many people here don't judge....

Airports are intriguing lately.
They're your refuge.
They wake when ordinary people are in a sleepy bliss.
They hold secrets.
And runaways.
And hidden doors to the unknown.
Tender kisses.
Solemn cries.
Broken hearted lovers
No chance to say goodbye.

These airports feel things only poets seem to write down.
Emotion fills the halls.
As passengers avoid the fall..

This airport seems so lonely.
Take me with you.
Let us fly.

It's almost 2am.
I'm kind of laying here in the hot, unnatural heat.
I miss you a little bit.
My insomnia has been bad lately.
I guess you're okay.
I'll just write about you for awhile until I drift off into the colourless world of pretend realitys promising to bring you back to me.

You taught me why the sky is blue.
Darling I really amn't ready to fall for you..
Spectrums and colours,
I can only take so much.
Forbidden lovers, I've said enough.

So that Australian I fell in love with is coming back next week.
And guess what?
I'll be boarding a plane the very day he lands in Dublin.
I guess everything happens for a reason.
And I guess our two souls just aren't supposed to be together.....

She felt his words enter her soul
As he traced every inch of her skin.
'beautiful' he whispered delicately.
She drifted in and out of realities and daydreams,
Consciousness and unconsciousness.
He stayed gazing at her pure beauty.
Her body was made for his eyes.
Her lips were made for his lips.
A perfect fit.
They lay there for the day.
Talking.
Laughing.
Crying.
They learned each others secrets.
They opened up their pasts.
They planned a future together.
And after all this they fell asleep.

She woke in the morning with a sickening feeling in her gut.
He was gone.
She was too terrified to roll over.
To see the indent of him on those sheets.
She feared that she'd suffocate on the oxygen he'd used up the night before.

She reached one arm cautiously over to the other side of the bed.
Felt his wonderful skin
Laying next to her.
She let out a sigh of relief.
He meant it.
He did.
He meant every word.

He woke with a sleepy gaze.
'beautiful'
He whispered as he kissed her forehead.
Inhaled her scent.
And for the first time in a long time.
This broken hearted train wreck really did feel....
Beautiful.

My voice doesn't shake when I talk out loud anymore
And my heart doesn't sink when I see you with her

And my wrists aren't hurt
And my legs are clear

Only thin scars as a reminder that you were ever here.

Have you ever felt your heart breaking?
Not just crying because somebody said no to you or something petty like that.
Have you ever literally felt your chest cave in on itself and burn with a searing pain?
Have you ever lost all control of your legs after hearing a simple sentence?
I've had my heart broken a number of times.
All equally as painful.
But this....
This is something much more.
He seems to have broken my soul.
I feel fragments of myself falling from my body.
And I know it's not just a heartbreak this time...

Now I'm breaking at the cracks..
You couldn't bring me back..

You don't understand how much it burns to miss you...
Scalding water down my spine doesn't have a patch on it...
Flames lick my most sensitive organs, still. Nothing compares to the burning sensation in my soul.
Missing you hurts like hell.
There's nothing cliche about these feelings.

Oh we had to be careful,
But we were too reckless,
We tore our hearts up.

Oh we had to be careful,
But we were too reckless,
Yeah we fell in love.

I can't decide what I want I'm this place.
Commuters grabbing daily cups of coffee.
And I'm stuck on making a decision as simple as choosing between a cappuccino and a latte.
Why does coffee have funny names?
I wonder to myself.
Maybe it means something to someone.
I really can't decide.
I'm next.
"Small white hot chocolate please"
What?
What did I just say?
I wanted coffee.


I guess the choices we make are already planned out for us in life.
I wasn't supposed to have coffee.
Between the lines my choice was made already.

I understand my decision to leave you now.

You taught me to have coffee without sugar.
Only now do I understand what that means.
Bitter lover.

I never wanted to confuse you.
I never wanted you to be left wondering.
But you were.
You layed in bed for endless nights,
Trying to wrap your pretty thoughts around what had happened.
But you didn't know,
Did you?
You told me it was stupid to fall in love at seventeen.
You told me it was stupid to kiss you.
But then you tell me you hope you made a positive impact on my life.
Ha!
Positive?
Not at all....
Writing. That's all I seem to be able to do.
And I am so **** sick of writing about you.
You told me to go out into the world and be adventurous.
But I only want to be adventurous with you.
And I'm not sorry.
You confused me when you wrapped your heart around mine.

It's been 494 days since you left.
Wow.
You would think I'd stop writing about you.
We were together 237 days.
It seems like nothing really....

And I've known him for 287 days.
And yes he makes me feel better but he doesn't love me the way you pretended to.

Im currently curled up attempting to read my favourite book and tears keep spilling out and I'm sorry if this doesnt turn out as poetic or if there's loads of mistakes. I just can't stop crying
The tears are burning and it's like acid rain and I'm crying over the love I never got over, the love that was completely pretend, the love that's impossible, the love that's too far away and all the other little heartbreaks in between
So my tears jus keep coming and there's an overwhelming sadness in my chest and my legs and my hands.
And I need to say goodbye before this gets worse

We walked down the street
Unknown to you and me
We sat at the bar and talked
For a lifetime
About where we had been
And the city's that we've seen
And the way leaves are changing
And the way the waves are breaking

But we went our seperate ways
With the hope of that Sunday
And other get togethers
Sometime soon

Dancing in my mind
Running through the wind
Your voice plays pretend
With my heart.
And loving you is simple
Until you leave again
Then I'm laying here
Replaying it forever

And that Sunday in the cafe
We drank wine
And fell asleep
But beneath those shining lights
Was a god right there for me

And you'll dance in my mind
Until I fall asleep
And I'll wake up with no Evidence
Of you
Ever on these sheets...

Oh so darling
Can you stop dancing
You're making me dizzy
And I'm losing my mind

Because you're beautiful
And I can't stop
I'm writing about you
In letters
And random napkins
That I find in town


So don't stop dancing...
Because I'll see you soon.
When the moon has the same face
In both cities that were in.

And you'll be with me.
Even just one night.
Oh you'll lay beside me
And keep me safe
And remind me that soon
Again one day
We'll be together
If we keep dancing through
Each others brains...

You're a dangerous memory,
And at a glance you send me sprinting..
Into dark distant pasts,
Wandering down random paths.
Unsafe city lights,
Fire in your eyes.
The flames, they burned so much..
I haven't had enough.

I can only imagine your body on mine.
Our heat in that stuffy apartment.
You're perfect.
I'm an amateur.
You make it so easy..

My daydreams are getting out of control... Forgive me.

Dear fifteen year old self,
I know you have never met me.
And you never will, for I took over...
Grew from your essence.
But I just wanted to let you know a few things.
See that face of yours? The one you cry in front of in the mirror? You're beautiful. You're changing from a cute awkward little kid into a strong wonderful, inspiringly beautiful woman. Trust nature. Wipe your tears, and believe that it's okay. You're 15. Relax. You're pretty. Those big brown eyes will get you anything you wish for. Trust me. I know.

Next, see that boy? The cute one who knows how to talk a little bit too smoothly... Who's a little bit too cheeky.... There's no point in me telling you to stay away because we both know that doesn't work. We are the same person after all... Just be careful...... And whatever you do, DO NOT sleep with him. You're too young. You're gonna have your first kiss, and he's gonna make you feel like you're flying and falling and being caught all at the one time.... But you're not. You're going to kiss people 1000 times better than that, you'll realise it was sloppy and kind of a waste of eight months.
But the heartbreak. When he leaves you for your best friend.. When you're left without anyone beside you. That will honestly almost **** you. But you'll be okay. The fact that you feel this way makes you become the strong beautiful woman you are today. You can get through it, all of it, even the **** that's not about the guy. The **** that is going on inside your head, inside your home.... You'll survive. And you'll write.

One last thing, I'm sure I'm missing a few things, maybe I'll realise them when I'm a little bit older...... But that musical talent you've got, it's there.... It's in your ears... And possibly your voice. That's a grey area at the moment. You're going to find your way. And musicians should come with warning signs..... danger sheer drop ahead like at the end of the road in a cartoon where the path turns into a cliff....... Because you'll fall, when you're around my age. And they are very good pretenders. Be careful sweetheart.

It's never too late.
You're growing up so beautifully.
Be proud.
And try not to be too sad........

Love,
18 year old you...

And what if you forgot about me the minute you boarded your flight...
Maybe that's why I'm staying awake searching for your reply...
What if love to you is just a game...
See how many 'gorgeous' girls you can *****...
Then forget their name....

I want to melt into you.
I want our souls to touch.
Your eyes, when they smile..
It's a childlike quality I've never seen before.
My heart flutters violently in my chest
When I imagine us breathing in
Each others breaths.
We could say a million words,
But not one would match this feeling between us.
So let's go,
Let's be crazy,
But first..
Let me breathe my last breath through you...

You know what's hard?
Getting up every morning and being perky and pouring your coffee in front of everyone and pretending you weren't crying until 4am.

You know what's hard?
Getting dressed and putting on your make up trying desperately to impress someone... Hoping for a miracle.

You know what's hard?
Leaving the house and having every single thing remind you of a certain person. Oh we kissed there. Oh he goes to the gym there. Oh he drove me home there.

You know what's hard?
Lying to every single person when they ask you if you're too warm in your baggy jumpers, when they ask you how you're doing. Oh I'm fine, yourself? It's a monotonous reply.

You know what's hard?
Losing every inch of yourself. I've no idea who I was before. And every single time I fall for someone new (which has only happened 5 times. I'm not a crazy ****.) I lose part of who I am. And I get happy for a bit but then they leave.

You know what's not hard?
Hurting myself. I seem to be able to do that with ease. Razor blades and pencil sharpeners seem to dissolve out of their screws and plastic. It's so easy. And falling. That's another thing I find easy. I fall way too fast for people who really don't deserve it. Only I fall rarely so it hurts worse....

You know what's hard?
Love.
Life.
Breathing.
Being me.

I'm tired from the phone calls.
And I'm tired from no sleep.
Why did you have to go to university so far away from me...
And for you it's only 10pm
But here it's almost 3
And you're probably our with a drink in your hand with no care or thoughts for me..

Does love really exist?
Or is it just a silly word used to communicate with someone that your body wants their body. And their body wants your body.
Is love actually a feeling?
People say they're in love
But then in a few seconds of madness they roll over and fall asleep.
Letting out that satisfied sigh.
Tonight I'm thinking love is only a fragment of our imagination.
Created to make us feel less like objects.
But that's all we are.
Objects.

Lasy nights dream was about you.
The third one I've had I think..
I remember two lines completely.
'oh my, I don't know if I want ***, cheese, or to watch endless episodes of friends...'
And my reply.
'sounds like a plan. Let's go..'
Gosh, I do like him a lot.....
We properly talked last night for the first time in awhile...
And I've just realised I can't fight these feelings at all.
I'm lost in you.

Stories.
Poems.
Letters.
Daydreams.
When will I snap back to reality.
When will she leave her land of make believe?
Never.
I whisper as the thoughts dance and shimmer in the moonlight.

3 simple words I wish I'd told you.
3 simple words you're up etching onto that page.
Vintage typewriters,
Of course you'd choose the most beautiful method to tell me.
I miss you.

I have my own little theory on dreams,
And maybe I'm silly,
And maybe these words won't come out right..
But I'll try to explain.

I think we dream of other people for a reason.
And I believe every time I think of you before I go to sleep,
Before I shut my eyes.
I think you think about me for a split second.
And in that split second,
Of both our pondering thoughts,
That means I'll wake up to visions of you dancing around in my head.

Common ground.
That's what creates dreams.
We need to both be thinking of each other at the same time.
Only for a short time.
But it's truly magical.
Truly something worth waiting for.

So darling.
Stop thinking about me.
When I'm thinking about you.
Because waking from this slumber is hard to do when my brain is telling me to reach out and touch your body next to mine.
But in reality,
You're just a dream.

I'm screaming out your name from rooftops at 4am. I think I'll be waiting forever for these dreams to end.

The first was easy.
Smooth.
Like a fruit.
Fresh.
I didn't feel too dizzy.
I didn't feel different.

The second was easy.
Sweet.
Tropical.
It was easier to swallow.
I was getting merrier.

The tenth was sloppy.
Splashes down my dress.
Your eyes watching.
Damsel in distress.

Then you walked over.
Too drunk to see my own reflection.
You made me feel worthy.
You made me feel beautiful.

Your hands were soft.
Of what I can remember.
The liquids numbed my senses.
I had no idea.

Your bed was cool.
Like the ice around my glass.
Removing my dress was easy.
I'd do anything in that state.

I don't remember much.
Waking up bruised.
I tried to get away.
More men than drinks in that room.

What happened to just your hands!
One is enough.
But these hands weren't so smooth.
Prodding delicate skin.

Wrists clearly shown.
I guess they knew what a mess I was
I guess they knew i'd be easy.

Well they were wrong.
And so was I.

The first few drinks are always easy...
But the morning after can be utterly devistating

I'll never find the girl I left at the bar.

I will forever be a peice of those awful men's hearts.
If that's even what you can call them.

We dived in head first
I didn't think we couldn't swim
Sending out flares
Any hope of rescue
I guess I forgot how to survive
I held onto you too tight.

Drunken texts and phone calls at 3am
Forbidden fantasies of you and me
Stumbling through the city to find where you might be
It's all a trick isn't it,
An impossible dream.
Your apartment door shakes,
Oh it aches for me.
Taxi cabs being forced to drive.
You send me away,
No. Not tonight..
Lipstick kisses and tired hearts.
I always take it that little bit too far.

I feel the static in the air tonight
It's all around us and it feels so right with you.
I know you feel it too.
I feel the lust running through my veins
I need your touch before I go insane,
It's true.
I hope you feel it too..
If you were a bottle with a broken top,
I'd still drink down every drop.

Loving you is like barbed wire.
It's like I'm standing in a white hot fire.
Like running through a nightmare
Or standing in a lightning storm.
I can't describe it.
It's like electric love.
I cant deny it.
You're so electric love.

Well something happens when you touch my face.
Some kind of magic I don't understand it's true.
I know you feel it too.
Well if you were a poison you would taste so sweet.
So pour a shot glass out for me.

Loving you is like barbed wire.
It's like I'm standing in a white hot fire.
Like running through a nightmare
Or standing in a lightning storm.
I can't describe it.
It's like electric love.
I can't deny it.
You're so electric love.

There's just no escaping you.
You're wrapped in all my thoughts.
Your face in every crowd.
My heart is cluttered with feelings of you.
Adelaide road.
A street in Dublin.
But also your Australian hometown.
Crazy.
And now every day I pass there..
Your face will swim in my heart and my mind.
I bet even if I wanted to escape.
Even if I tried my hardest.
I just couldn't.

The amount I've written about you is becoming problematic dear...
When will the ink run out?
When will the trees start screeching at me to give up?
I'm going to have to stop etching these words onto their skin.

It was exhilarating.
Falling.
Because I thought you would catch me.
But you didn't.
Not even close.
You caught the one who didn't fall for you.
You caught the wrong one.
Idiot.