I don't know.
I've just come to terms with the fact that I might love you.
I locked eyes with you for zero point three seconds.
But in that moment something clicked.
Maybe you have a lover of your own.
Or maybe you're mending scars.
But maybe we could work.
So many people pass by countless opportunities every single day without realising what they are letting slip
Away.
But not me.
I think.
I write.
And that's all I do.
And maybe that's worse.
I keep on thinking about you.
I don't deserve you in my messed up thoughts. Who do I think I am?

How the **** did you get out of the fanzone so quickly....
That doesn't happen...
You like skipped the friendzone so quick...
God...
Come here you,
Get back to bed...

I've felt every single emotion while thinking about you and I've known you 5 days.

If this isn't something special then I don't know what is..

I can't stop seeing you
kissing her out in open view
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Stand and watch you make me your fool?

Hes literally paying for a flight to be with me for 8 days.
What the ****?
He's coming back just to be with me.
This is crazy.
I love him.
Oh my god.
And for once someone feels the same about me.

I guess forever was too long for you?

I forgot why I was afraid of love.
And then in one quick heart wrenching pull.
I remembered it all.
I remembered why I built my walls.
I remembered why I didn't believe in compliments.
And I remembered exactly how it felt to have a broken heart again.
So now I'm laying in bed.
Cuddling a pillow.
Feeling wet tears stroke my cheek.
And all at once my heart is so heavy that I may never rise from this bed again.
I think I could look at this ceiling for forever.
Maybe.
If only I could keep you out of my mind.
Your big brown eyes staring deep into my soul.
Mocking me.
And how naive I was.
How could I have been so forgetful?
I forgot that I was terrified of love.
And now I remember why.

Have you ever found a new favourite thing?
And the old things are forgotten..
Or disliked..
Well that's how she was.
She became your new favourite thing.
Leaving me in the shadows,
Pondering what it meant to be alive.

I told you I would write about you..
And maybe show you.
So if your eyes stumble upon this then that means I've probably shown you..
You really matter to me..
Talking with you is easy.
I hardly know you
I don't know when your birthday is
I don't know your parents names
But you talk to me as though I'm significant.
And that means a lot to me.
So it's 2.30am and I'm writing about you..
I don't write about different people too often.
I usually give up halfway through...
Trying to think of something positive.
Racking my thoughts and fighting to remember something worth writing about.....
But this is coming easily.
Which means I must really like you.....
You make me happy when I'm about to break down completely.
It takes a lot of goodness to do that..
Mark.
Thank you.
You're a truly amazing person..

Why do I keep letting people get too close
My fragile heart can't cope anymore

Sorry but my last days are coming..

The noose is smooth against my skin

Sorry but it'll be over soon.

What have we got in our favour?
The more I think, the more the list of flaws grows....

Age, eighteen.... Thirty.....
That's an alarm bell in itself.
But if I say I'm twenty one, and you say you're twenty six... We can get away with that.

Pasts...
You've done so much, you've travelled and seen the world, you're living your dream. What am I? Some girl from a small town, still living with her parents. That little girl saw opportunity and grasped it in both hands. You like that about her. About me. But you still know I need to live, before I can even dream of loving you right.

Timing.....
That night, our first kiss...
You told me 'our timing is awful.' And honestly it's not the first time I've heard that... And we've moved past that first kiss. Way past it. But you and I both know the score. Because you've got to pretend to love her, and I've got to pretend it doesn't hurt me so **** much that I feel like ripping my own throat out......
But that's life.
'Good things come to those who wait' and whatever other cliche saying exists...

But you know what bothers me most, the biggest flaw in all this. We are in love. But we really really can't be. It's forbidden, but oh so intoxicating.
A beautiful mess.
That we can only clean up in the distant future......
So for now our broken hearts can lay scattered on the floor.

Until we meet again... My 'friend'

Listening to his CD right now.
****.
I really like him.
August.
Hurry up.

****
****
******

I knew it was too good to be true.
You're rushing to the airport as I sit on this bus with any hope of meeting you completely dissolved into my broken heart.
I knew It.
****.

Goodbye keeps hurting.
Especially when it comes from your lips.
My whole body aches at the memory of that last goodbye.
But one thing makes it okay.
I know it's not the last goodbye.
I know that for a fact.

You catch your flight tomorrow.
Wow.
That week flew by.
Where did the time go?
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
A year.
A year till you're back.
*******.
So much can happen in a year.
So much happened in a week.
So it's been 2 days.
Then 6 weeks.
Then 8 days.
One whole year.
This heartache is gonna linger for a long long time.
Breathing my air through you has been the most amazing experience.
Rooftop kisses.
And other things.
Intertwined in each other.
Cool September air.
Our skin.
God.
I'm gonna miss you

I get happy sometimes.
Right now I'm happy.
I like it.
It's refreshing.
The happiness fills me.
Right to the top.
I love it.

Falling is terrifying.
I know that.
I've been there,
So many times.
Or at least,
I thought I had.

Turns out I was close,
But still wrong.
This time though,
Something's different.
The feeling's real.
I can feel my heart and my mind,
Attacking each other.
Battling it out.
And somewhere in between,
They've lost the balance.

I've fallen head over heels for you.
And I know it's not right in my heart,
Or my mind.
But it is what it is.
And suddenly,
I'm not too terrified anymore.
Because I know that no matter what I do,
I cannot stop myself.
From falling.
Head over heels.
In love.
With you.

How many times does the average person fall in love?
Hmm maybe 10?
Or is it just once?
I've strongly felt desire.
And I've strongly felt lust.
But only now am I coming to terms with the fact that I have no idea what I feel when I think of you.
They tell me I must be crazy..
But this heartache is stronger than any other.
It's got to be love.
It just has to be.

Falling for you was just too easy.
Smooth words, late nights.
Enough to make a young girl cry.
I fell for you a bit too fast.
I'm not too sure how to make us last.
Cause if I fell so easily.
And you knocked down my highest walls.
How am I to know it's not just me?
I feel the heartache setting in.
Bracing myself for crashing down.

Screaming thunder
Trembling hearts
The storm is raging
I'm falling apart.
Dream filled kisses
Apartment doors
Smell of your body
Seeps through my floor.
Decay. Decay. Decay.
I wish we could.
For that sweet poison
Forever will burn
Candles wait, extinguishing
Slowly.  Patiently.
We are burning out.
And I'm dreaming of you..
Too much.

And he changed. The way the leaves fall down. The way the ground varies every season. He changed. And suddenly I wasn't enough for him anymore.

I got too caught up in you.

Set me free.

But attractive Australian men who play guitar and sing don't just walk through Dublin city with you and sit at a bar and have drinks and talk about their life and your life and all the little bits in between.

I don't know if you've got brothers and sisters.
I don't know what the j stands for in your middle initial.
I don't know how you like your tea.
I don't even know if you like tea.

But I do know that you like the summer.
And you left your job and bought a beautiful guitar.
And I know you started playing guitar at 4.
And now you're 24.
Traveling the world.
I know you have a bad habit of biting your nails.
And you lose track of how much wine you drink when you're playing.
I know you understand why I can't talk when other people are around.
And I know why you didn't kiss me that day.
And I know you're really bad at remembering your flight times.
And you hate living on your phone,
You wanna see the world with your own eyes. Not an instagram picture.

I know so little.
I've no idea what your favourite colour is.
I've no idea where you grew up.
I know you had your first heartbreak at 16. Same as me.

I just want to know why you've got those smile lines.
I want to know every crease in your face when you cry, smile, are confused.
I want to learn you off by heart.

I had a wonderful dream.
You didn't care about what people thought.
You just wanted to be happy.
And you loved me.
You really did.
And you asked me to travel the world with you.
And the funny thing is...
I did.
I just dropped everything and left this crazy town.

I found a haven
In the corner of my room
With your favourite book
Wearing your sweater filled with that sweet perfume.

I guess guessing isnt enough to keep up a healthy relationship.
And I guess I should stop saying 'I guess' so much..

I don't want it to just be a drink or two.
I want to spend the day walking with you.
I want to spend the day talking with you.
I want to kiss you in broad daylight.
And then I want to go for a drink with you.
And I want to keep talking.
I want these eight days to be the beginning.
After day turns to night I want to go home with you.
And I want to see how uncomfortable that ****** couch really is.
I bet we could make it something beautiful.
I know you could.
I want to listen to you spill your heart out at 4am.
And I want to learn some sort of nice thing on guitar.
And I want you to kiss me until we're not separate people anymore.
I just want to be with you babe..
And I kind of hope you have the same thing in mind too..

Being important to other people isn't one of my strong points.

Shes caught up in a land of inbetween.
Every step she takes makes her more afraid to fall.
Yet every step she takes makes her wander further to the edge.
Is it insanity?
Has she been living in the wrong realities?
It's just love darling.
And no matter what you're going to fall.
Now don't listen to price charming when he says he'll rescue you.
Because we all know how that one goes.
This is real life girl.
You're inbetween the fairytales and the horror stories.
This is you..
Seeing just how far you can go
Without gravity stepping in.

I used to stay up till 6am tying different lengths of material around my neck.
I used to stay up till 5am trying to forget how to breathe for a little while.
I used to stay up till 4am and wonder what you were doing with her at that time.
But now it's 4am and I'm happy.
I met a stranger two days ago and he seems to have completely erased the bad feelings.
The memories.
He's a blank white page.
And my 3am scribbles are no longer pleading messages to god begging for a release.
They are rambles about how this man makes me feel.
And ****.
It's pretty wonderful.

If not now..... When?

When will I find someone like you again.

We've got eighty years or so to live.
And I've almost wasted 20 of them.
Then once I hit 40 I've no opportunitys to take.

So why the **** not.
I have 20 years to enjoy myself and do crazy things.



I've made my decision.
Now come a little closer babe....

I see you for the last time tomorrow.
I just really want to kiss you.
But I want you to make the first move.
I'm nervous.
I'm sorry.
I'm just really awkward in these situations.
Sorry about that.

Do you feel that?
Is it your train approaching?
Or is it the sound of our heartbreak?
Rumbling, mocking us.
Who falls in love with someone they have only met 8 times?
Idiots.
Reckless idiots.
The last few minutes of goodbye hurt far too much.
Thoughts and emotions spilling out,
Staining one another's soul.
Sorry.
Washing those stains out will be harder than we thought..
The last kiss was the sweetest.
The last goodbye cut even deeper.

I keep feeling too much.
My heart aches at the tremors of your steps as I imagine you leaving.
My mind keeps replaying nights when we were happy.
And I don't know if I can give that to you anymore.
I'm terrified of feeling that god awful rip in my heart again.
Cause you bandaged the peices up and I know how easy it is to walk away.
They've all shown me that.
But I don't understand..
Why does everyone seem to have less feelings?
Why does everyone seem to have the power to walk away.
When I can't even breathe.

"I'm a little bit lost without you, and I'm a ****** big mess inside.."
        ~ Scouting For Girls

This line depicts exactly how I feel about you right now.
I'm lost.
And scared.
And confused.
Darling I've never felt this way.
And the fact that you left just as I fell makes it even worse.

You forgot to write me letters.
For every month that you were gone.
Oh eighty seven down on my part.
And this one seems too long.

I'm falling far too fast for a man I've known for 2 hours.
And he leaves the country on Monday.
And he's back in August.
These things happen in movies.
Boy meets girl.
Girl meets boy.
Whatever way around it was.
But the drinking in the afternoon
And the random topics of conversation.
And inviting me to your last gig in a shabby little pub on a Sunday night.
These scenes are made for film screens.
Not for my small town, broken life.

My, my, you've lived some life for someone who hasn't been living for too long!
It's as if your soul has the ability to draw the most beautiful adventures towards you.
That, my dear, is a gift.

It's a pretty generic title, right?
And I guess you could say we're a pretty generic couple.
Boy. Girl.
18. 24.
Both writers.
Both believers.
Love.
That's the word that binds us together.
Without love what would this be?
Just desire?
Just a feeling?
Just chemistry?
But honestly, that's all love is.
It's a label.
And it's used too much.
It's thrown around.
Like a ragdoll in a pram.
Love beats you up.
It hurts you from the inside out.
Whether it's distance.
Whether it's timing.
Whether it's other people's opinion.
Love tears everything apart.
So from now on I'm not going to love you.
I'm just going to enjoy you.
Because from past experiences,
Love kills whatever this is.
And I kind if am hoping we'll last.

Love hurts whether it's right or wrong.

For some reason I think we could work.
I think this feeling between us is strong enough to go the distance.
And maybe I'm relying too much on my over compassionate soul..
But you seem to be pretty **** interested too..

She's a masterpiece painted behind the blank canvas.
Such a shame,
All they see is beautiful white.

It's 3am and I'm fighting back the memories of you.
But you're breaking through all of my defences.
I just need to feel your touch one last time.
I might be greedy but I miss the nights you were mine.
Darling please.
Why did you leave like that.
Whispers in the hallways saying you would love to have me back....
But nothing.
No phone calls.
No messages.
No letters.
It's 3am and the only way you're with me right now is because my memory can't seem to erase any moment of when we were together.

Halfway round the world
Lies a beautiful treasure.
He's breaking at the cracks
Strumming till he's back.
Guitar strings keep on breaking
My heart still is aching.

Cause he ain't coming home.
I've gone and let him go.

Miles away he stares at the stars
But nothing really matters cause we both know the time will tear us apart.
We can't leave this forever.
Oh we know it's just no use.
And pining over you is the worst thing I can do.
But you're dancing in my heart and my mind is racing now.

Why'd I let you go.
I should've held you back.

You can fall back to your hometown
Pass a billion pretty girls
Leave me wondering for years

But none of it was real darling
You meant nothing babe
And I told you that it would work
Just so you would stay

And I lost something real that day
I lost what I thought was love
I'm still writing about you
As you travel round with her.

Call me a fool but I can't help but see
Your smile
When I close my eyes..


And I must admit
I do miss you.
And I hate that I know
We will never work.

You're coming back.
For eight days.
In September.
I don't know where I'll be then.
Obviously with you.
But I don't know if I'll be at school.
Or have a job.
Or just trying to find ways to fill the days.
All I know is you're coming back.
And you're staying in a ****** apartment.
And I'm going to be with you.
And I kind of want to take you to Dublin zoo..
Just for some fun.
But I guess we'll see where it goes.
Youre gonna busk on grafton street.
Then we can have the day.
In stephens green park.
Along the river Liffey.
Wherever.

One thing I'm sure about is that they all disapprove.
I know you two days they say.
That's not long enough.
He could be a serial killer.
A kidnapper.
Love.
They say.
You're a child.
You know nothing of love.
Crazy girl.

But I know for a fact that I love you.
And I know for a fact that fate has something planned for us.
I can feel it.

"You know what?"
"You make really ****** coffee.... But you give great head... So like I guess I can live with that.."

I promised that after you I was done with musicians...
But his soul is just so beautiful...
I think I fell again..
And this time,
I know for a fact he did too.