Since 4:30 in the morning
I've been looking at the sky
The way the dim rise of the sun
Glitters on the tide

My head is aching
From my busy mind
All the thoughts
I thought I'd left behind

I know that they’ve got it better
But I can’t understand
Why I fall flat
Want someone to look at me like that

It’s hard to see the lovers
When I left it behind
For something with meaning
The things I’m dreaming

I hope that I will find
Just what I had in mind
And these thoughts inside
Will come alive

All the time
You told me that it was for forever
That there was nothing better

All the time
You said you could not believe I was real
And I thought that told me how to feel

All the time
I ignored the little signs
Because you kept telling me it was fine

And all the time
I loved you and didn’t question it
I never thought you were full of ****

And all the time
I told you all I needed was trust
And you agreed it was a must

But all the time
You were lying
And now I feel like I am dying

Now all the time
I wonder why I kept it going
When deep inside I felt myself knowing

Now all the time
I question how I feel
Because if it wasn’t, then I don’t know what’s real

The only thing you have to do is die
But I won’t be up there in the sky
You’ll just have to trust
I’m tied to the earth even when I fly

But we’ll escape this curse for now
Find comfort in our vow
We won’t let it keep us
We’re better than it anyhow

The earth beneath us crumbles
Gravity slips away
We live among the stars
Come back another day

I am caught up in anxiety
It’s something that haunts me daily
A tightness in my chest
Because of the things I know
Everything moving in circles
Nothing permanent
And the love stained in my heart
Will fade
And grow again
But the pain in my chest
Won’t fade
Nor grow

Kiss me gently
**** me intensely
**** me earnestly
Kiss me fervently
You could kiss me any way
You could **** me any way
I’d melt either way

If I ****** up by trying to heal
And I hurt you with my honesty
That's something I never meant
And I owe you an apology

I didn't want to wound you
The same way you wounded me
I just wanted to escape
My world turned tragedy

I had to pull myself back up
Any way I possibly could
I was willing to take the risk
But it didn't mean I should

I loved you with my whole heart
Even how tested I was
My feelings for you didn't break
I loved you just because

So I hope you never question
Whether I cared at all
Because every memory was special
No moment too small

So please don't take me too seriously
When I don't know how to cope
And I pray you never question
The way that your love gave me hope

I didn't know I could fear this strongly
For a something I'd loved so fondly
A chance I knew as normal
Became forms too formal

Men with cold eyes through glass
Replaying every moment of my past
Could I take this chance again
Can I find what might have been

Do I choose what would destroy me
The something that employed me
What made me lose my choice to use
No longer the spark and just the fuse
Made nothing hold certainty
Except despair certainly
I didn't ever want to stop
But it seems I've reached the top
And from this peak I could fall down
Or stay up on solid ground
How do I remedy
This pain from something that still loves me?

I don't want you to see the beauty in me
I want you to see beauty

I made a list of the things I need
And it’s only ten lines long
You were almost all of them
Except for the very first one

I let myself skip over the first line
And didn’t even know
I saw you for how wonderful you are
Not knowing butterflies wouldn’t grow

I used to feel nothing
I used to feel nothing and cry
But now I know something
It’s worse when your heart is alive
Because that ache that I’m feeling
It’s not love that has left me to die
No, it’s cops who took my meaning
When they scared me from living my life

I thought I was certain
I thought I was certain about
All the things I was doing
Wouldn't let myself doubt
But this ache that I'm feeling
For the things I'll just live without
Hope you catch my meaning
When karma won't bail you out

Monotonous existence
I am veiling my daydreams
I am drowning it seems

Alive I am dead
Ignoring thoughts in my head
Monotonous existence

I seek the thrill of knowing
Of knowing it all
I seek the truth it tells me
The truth of it all
Cause this world is empty
And full of lies
But there is more on the other side

The answers it brings
Lead to more questions
An endless road
It’s the answers that keep me going
And the questions that bring me back

All these unanswered questions
Are the payback for the wisdom
I am found
And yet more lost than I was before

I yearn to be free
Not held back by thoughts
But I yearn to know just the same
It’s an addiction I can’t stop

Is enlightenment just a trick
Or do we really know it all
When we know nothing

Whether it be the suns rays
A heartbeat or brisk days
A moment of incandesce
A heart full of love
Or a mind at peace
Bask in its light
For everything is finite

I can’t keep imagining him in my mind
Or love I’ll never find
Blinded by my perception of perfection
Depth only found upon inspection
Afraid I should know in an instant
On this I am insistent
For last time when I let the feeling build
The foundation wasn’t filled
And these holes turned into cracks
Beliefs I’d built on pacts
I want that love that grew
But I want the instantaneous jolt, too
Hearts bright at first sight
And feelings that take flight

I keep forgetting
The weight that was lifted
When you let me go

I keep forgetting
The light in my eyes
That reignited

I keep forgetting
That I am whole again
All on my own

But I won’t forget
What I’ve learned
From being hurt

I’m constantly trying imagine and control my future
Think I can know if it’ll be sunny tomorrow
But the clouds come anyway

I’m learning how to see
What it means to be alone and not lonely
Trapped in the worries of my mind
Nobody safe to turn and find
I look at eyes in the crowd
Wish I could hear their thoughts out loud
What’s going on inside
Is there anyone who can stand by my side
Take away the holes in the dance floor
And still be something of which I can be sure
I can feel his presence like ghost
And it’s the thing I want the most

Moving past the guide they’ve given
And knowing what is right

Moving past the guide you’ve given
And doing what feels right

Forget what they’ve told you
Forget what you’ve told you
If you give love
You’ll get it
Everything else
Just forget it

Do you miss the way I walk
Or the silly way I talk
Do you think twice
About how you weren't that nice
Or have you moved on
Not considering that I'm gone

You won't get a second chance
To get back that loving glance
I won't run back to your embrace
And let you kiss my face
But I don't think you care
Because real love was never there

And I still dream about you somehow
Even though I've tried to vow
That I won't think about those times
And keep validating them with rhymes
But even though I'm low
I don't want you to know

That I miss the way you walk
And the serious way you talk
That I'm willing to think twice
About how not nice would just suffice
And that I'm trying to move on
Yet still wishing you weren't gone

I woke up to a dream of me kissing your chest
Teasingly nibbling at your flesh
My heart full of smiles
But your eyes shifted away
The same way they did that day
And I wouldn't get a kiss goodbye
Not even in my dreams

Another gray day
Clouding my mind
Not capable of peace
When the sun don’t shine

He held my gaze a few seconds
But not long enough for me to hold on

I wish I could go back to before I had felt love
The deep insatiable longing
A hole that could only be filled by another person
The certainty of a better emotion

Now I know that finding love does not fill holes
Sometimes it makes more of them
And I feel emptier than I did before
Because I know that I have to fill them

But I’m not sure with what

I wanted you all the while
I was in love with someone else
But it was you who made me smile
And made my heart melt

But I didn’t want to be alone
And I knew our timing wasn’t right
So I settled for the thing I’d known
Ignoring thoughts of you that came at night

I shut off all those feelings
And told myself it was wrong
Ignoring that love should have no ceiling
And that I couldn’t live like that for long

And now I just want to tell you
How strongly that I feel
But I fear you won’t like the way I grew
And for real was not our deal

Not really sure what do do
Guess I’ll just sit here and think of you
Waiting on old memories to fade
And new ones to take there place
Not the the best thing for me
Wishing for something I’m not sure we can be
But just the same I’m hoping for a change
One with you to move past the pain
Hope you’ll be what I need
Even though love has often meant greed
You seem to have the right state of mind
The kind that can excite and still unwind
Hope you’ll be the one I need
Erase the memories this hope precedes

You and I both know you never quit while you're ahead
You either never start or this will be how things end

He told me he loved me
He missed me
Then kissed me
But he didn't want me

Yes, I may still love you
I miss you
But I'll resist you
Because I don't need you

I've stood where you stand
Heart in my hand
Begging to be loved
But it's never enough

You can't create matter from nothingness
You can't make yourself matter in an empty heart

I try to think what I would want
I try to remember what I wanted
All I can come up with is what I didn't want

I didn't want to lose my best friend

I hear your complaints
Causing your own problems
Moaning over it everyday
But refusing to change
And I’m not talking about your heart
Because that’s precious
So stop giving it scars
And tearing your life apart

Take it in and let it back out
Soak in the love
Brush of the negativity
Whatever it may be
It’s ok

Your kiss is invigorating
Strong like a numbing wave crashing overhead
Followed by the beating sun grazing my tingling skin
A perfect moment
Something I could linger in

But it doesn’t really matter what you say
They’re all just words anyway
I could hear them all day
And I know I’d still be okay
It doesn’t really matter what you do
Only who you do it to
Because they might give up on you
And find someone new
Nothing doesn’t really matters
Until all that climbing ladders

Takes you nowhere

I’ve grown tired of caring
And I’m sick of feeling
What am I even hurting for?

I’m moving on to living
I’m trying out my new eyes
What was I even seeing for before?

I can’t muster the courage
To let myself take things on
So why not let them go?

I thought it was you

But it was silver lined clouds
Whisps of hair in the wind
A haze around the moon
And sunshine on my skin
It was the afterglow
That helped me realize
My inner lightness
Without the weight of your lies

Lit up like a christmas tree
That’s the girl I want to be
Someone I only know
When you’re with me

I try to write a happy thing
Something that’s inspiring
But nothing seems to come out right
I’d rather try to pick a fight
Against the world we’re living in
Full of hate and ripe with sin
I’ve seen the better side of life
But those moments seem to end in strife
Because the imperfect place in which I live
Has nothing more to me to give
It doesn’t deserve a happy song
For everyone to sing along
And ignore the reality that surrounds us
There’s nothing left to discuss
Our world no longer has a meaning
The importance being what you’re gleaning
But that’s not what our lives are about
So I will choose a different route
And if it means I walk alone
I can’t undo the stitch I’ve sown
I’ve committed to my destiny
And it will be enough for me
Enough without the false appearance
Of happiness and self assurance
Fulfilled without the needless *******
That likes to get my fire lit
And this will be my happy thing
To forget it all and just start living

I can't keep doing this stupid ****
Letting myself go
Telling my open heart
Yes and then no
And the decisions I make
Never seem to be right
Give away my body
And keep my heart locked tight

Lost
In something that I
Lost

I’m only wanted for my body
And what I can do with it
I can’t control my eyes
With their flirting glimmer
I can feel myself betraying my needs
When I play this role
But the truth is
I’ve forgotten how to be a friend
And not a lover

The way I lust isn't fair
I fall for an eloquent stare
But the heartbeat's not there
How can my lips need one thing
And my knees another
To fly or to fall
That's the choice isn't it after all?

I met you unexpectedly
At the peak of my insanity
And now it’s hard to see
The exact degree
To which you'll love me
Since I am clearly bound
To an idea I have not found
A passion so profound
A man I can't confound
With my manic mind

What makes you think you’re so smart
What makes you’re point is right
You should look at your own life

They didn’t ask you what you thought
But you gave your opinion freely
But you’re not very nice, really

You’re not fooling anyone but fools
And they won’t be there when you fall
That’s when you’ll know what it feels like to be small

I hope that one day you wake up
And see the potential in the world
But for now you’re just a mean girl

I feel very stuck currently
Between the two different mes
The one that wants to love you
And the other to be free

He said there is nothing I can do
I can not make it better
Only worse

Take a moment he said
I'd need much longer than that
But that's something I'll never have

So I took my moment
And I'm taking this one, too
But not in the way that he asked

It feels easier to let the time pass by
And not do a thing
Just let the days count on
Waiting

It’s easier to hope that that something will happen
All on it’s own
Just let the years go on
And sticking to what you’ve known

But nothing ever happens
When your head is full of dreams
And your heart is empty
From not doing anything

It’s hard to make the change
But it’ll be even harder
To look back at your life
And know you should’ve been much smarter

Those fears and apprehensions
Can only hold you back
Let go of what keeps you down
And get your life on track

I fell in love with you on molly
I fell in lust with you on ****
Felt bigger than myself
Wanted you and no one else
on LSD
But heartbreak came with sassafras
You looked at me with eyes of glass
Because the high can never really last
And now my dreams live in the past

You might have been steady
Loving
And kind
But your love didn’t surprise me
Or blow my mind

All I can say
Is I hope neither one of us dies tonight
Because if todays the day
Then you shouldn’t have left me hurting this way

All I know
Is if one of us should die tonight
Would you regret letting me go
Without telling me you love me so

All I can do
Is hope neither one of us dies tonight
Because you didn’t think it through
Got tangled up in you

All that can think
Is if one of us should die tonight
My stomach would sink
Knowing you chose to drink

Over me

It’s that bittersweet feeling I can’t ignore
As the waves lap against the shore
Everything’s perfect I know that much for sure
But I still sense a sadness

The clouds mean nothing without the sun
But the sun is only light
And the clouds look beautiful tonight
Yeah it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen

Sitting on the beach
Touching something I thought I couldn’t reach
But it’s partly cloudy

I think I like pictures
Because they’re like dreams
Of this perfect world
Of more than it seems

You can sense the emotion
The intangible rapture
When they saw something beautiful
That they needed to capture