Like the end feel the smoke
White to yellow runs out
Light another, a whole pack
Feel the smoke

The stars lean down to kiss you and I lie awake and miss you. Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere. The silence isn't so bad until I look at my hands and feel sad. 'Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

I wish peace on you all
So long and goodnight

I pledge allegiance
To the discourse
Of the divided states of mind
And to the guns
For which they hold
One crowd
Under fire
Inescapable
With funerals and bullets
For all

I can’t look myself in the eye
I can’t gaze upon my face
Reflections are my enemy
Pictures are my fear
Poisoned by standards
Intoxicated by privacy

I stand here wondering
I stand here asking
Will I ever be unmasked?

Mask my face
Mask my name
Mask my home
Mask up
Don’t forget it
Don’t let them see
Don’t let them know

Break a mirror
Punch a wall
I don’t want to see
I don’t want to know

Red wine
Rainy day
Stay inside
Stay away

Don’t leave and you’ll be okay

I can’t do anything right
I can’t do anything outside
I can’t leave
The voices in my head are screaming
Cover your face, don’t let them see
Cover your face, hide what you are
Mask up, keep it on
Paranoid about my privacy

Days on weeks
On months
On years
Hiding away from the world
They’re always asking
They’re always wondering
They want to know
They speculate

Anxiety attacks
Hands shake
Breath halters
Heart thumps

Don’t let them see
Don’t let them know

Hide away hide away hide away

Don’t show them what you really are

Alone
                                                    me, myself and I
                        the dark is a blanket
                                                         ­                                my thoughts are knives
    they cut me deep
                                                            ­Alone
                                                                ­               suffocating air  
                                  Thick and painful
               I thought you loved me  
                                                            ­             I thought wrong

I live in my head
In another world
                               A world full of magic
                               Full of mystery
                               Full of adventure
                                                               A world with kings
                                                               Good and bad
                                                               Courageous and cowardly
I live in my head
In another world
                              A world with friends
                              A tight knit group
                              A family to lean on
                                                                 A world of happiness
                                                                 With laughter
                                                                 With inside jokes
I live in my head
In another world
                              A world of love
                              With comradery
                              With protection
                                                           A world I never want to leave
                                                           It's everything I ever wanted
                                                           It's everything I ever needed
I live in another world
That has become my home

Bad days come and go
they weigh me down
they're heavy on my chest
they're a strain on my breath

Bad days come and go
they tire me out
they're a fog I can't clear
they're the blur in my eyes

Bad days come and go
they wear me down
they're cuts against my skin
they're the weariness in my bones

Bad days come and go
they come and go
they come and never go

It's just another bad day

Right?

Beauty oh beauty
Where have you been?
There's a beast in the tower
You must come look
Beauty oh beauty
Isn't it a ghastly thing
Fangs like a lion
Fur like a dog
Beauty oh beauty
Where are you going?
That thing dangerous
Stay away quick
Beauty oh beauty
What are you thinking?
I’m a beast, I’m a monster
You should stay away
Beast oh beast
Do my eyes deceive me?
You’re not a beast
You’re beauty lies within

Behind my smile
I'm sadder than I seem,
I'm more lost than I appear.

Behind my smile
I'm at war with myself,
I'm trapped in my own mind.

Behind my smile
I'm struggling,
I'm in pain.

Behind my smile
I'm overrun with thoughts,
I'm void of emotions.

Behind my smile
I can't go on,
I can't bear it.

Can't anyone see?
Why does no one ask
What's behind my smile.

Behind tinted windows we all have battles that rage
Its only what's on the surface we
can see

There's the girl you called a **** for being pregnant
There's the boy you made fun of for crying
There's the girl you shoved in the halls
The boy you called lame
The boy you beat up for kissing another boy

Behind tinted windows we all have battle that rage
Its only what's on the surface we can see

She was *****
His mother is dying
She's already being abused at home
He has to work nights to support his family
That's his only reason to live

Behind tinted windows we all have battles that rage
Its only what's on the surface we can see

Her sweatpants and hoody provoked him
Cancer is a *****
Her father is a drunk
His father is in a wheelchair and can't work
His family told him they'd rather him dead than gay

Behind tinted windows we all have battles that rage
It's only what's deep inside we can't see

My birthday approaches like a train
I am stuck on the tracks of time

Nothing comes with being seventeen

College applications pile like snow
An avalanche waiting to bury me

Nothing comes with being seventeen

Adulthood looms like dark clouds
Ready to pick me up into the storm

Nothing comes with being seventeen

Beyond my faded skin is more than you can see
Beyond my glassy eyes is more than you can know
Beyond my broken frame is more than you can understand

You don't look beyond
You think you know
You don't really understand

All you see is my crumbling skin
All you know are my foggy eyes
All you understand are my collapsing bones

You don't take the time to look beyond

His shattered and broken
He needs me now
I want to kiss him
Make him feel okay
But he can't see my passion
Only feel it

A down trodden path.

A rainy night.

Muddy boots.

****** hands.

Marching on.

And on.

And on.

Tear stained cheeks.

Eyes filled with terror.

Hopeless,

Lonely,

Broken,

and

Defeated.

You looked me in the eye and promised
You promised me that one day we'd be okay
You promised you'd be by my side the entire time
Look at me now
You promised that you loved me
You promised things couldn't get any worse
You promised that I had a future
Look at me now
Your promises have shattered me
Your promises cut deeper than any blade
Your promises killed my appetite
Look at me now
Your promises pushed me 1 step
Your promises pushed me 2 steps
Your promises pushed me....
Look at me now
You stare at the box
You stare at the ground
You stare at the stone that marks it me
You see me now

My words fuel a fire
Embers glowing bright

My steps stir the ash
Sending clouds into the sky

My lungs breathe the smoke
Dark and heavy

My eyes follow the sparks
Jumping and flying

My body feels the heat
Burning in my chest

My brain is melting away
My feelings lost in smoke
My thoughts burning away

My life is in flames
I am burnt out

Cinderella, Cinderella
Where have you been?
Wash the windows, sweep the floors
Do all the chores
Cinderella Cinderella
Where have you been?
Those clothes are mine not for you
Change before I claw you
Cinderella, Cinderella
Where have you been?
Pumpkins aren't carriages, mice can't be horses
***** aren't for maids
Cinderella, Cinderella
Why can't you stay?
One dance isn't enough
You must please stay
Cinderella, Cinderella
What were you thinking?
The prince doesn't love you
Fairy tales are for children
Cinderella, Cinderella
When will you learn?
Happily ever after is only in books

Hey you're more than pretty. You're gorgeous. You're eyes sparkle brighter than any star. Your smile beats the moon. Your hair is so much fun to play with. Remember not to starve, purge, cut, tear, stab, poke, burn, scratch. There's no need too. I don't need to see your face to know your beautiful. I don't care what the mirror says. You deserve to know the ugly truth. You will always be beautiful and there's nothing you can say or do to change that.

Disappointment

I see it in my mother’s eyes
I hear it in her voice
I feel it in the air
The tension is painful
It’s sharp like needles against my skin

Her words hit me like broken glass
“Can’t” “Don’t” “Wouldn’t”

“Why”
     It stings
“Why”
     It seeps into my skin
“Why”
     It creeps through my veins

How does a mother’s disappointment explain why?

Why?
     My brain was asleep
Why?
     I was on autopilot
Why?
     My head was full of fog
Why?
     I wasn’t in control

Disappointment.

I am everyone’s greatest.

Their words pushed me into the water
They became waves stealing my breath
They turned to brinks around my wrists
     Pulling me
     Down
     Down
     Down
“It’s easy to swim” they said
They moved easily through the water
“You just need to try a little harder”
     I sank
     Down
     Down
     Down
My lips parted allowing the air to escape
Cold water rushed into my lungs
I gasped searching for any amount of relief
     I fell
     Down
     Down
     Down
I felt the ocean floor against my feet
Fine sand floated around me in a haze
The darkness enveloped me in a cold embrace
     I accepted the end
     I drowned
     Drowned
     Drowned...

It starts in my chest and grows
like a parasite it eats at me
It feeds on my insecurities
It weighs me down

It runs through my veins and spreads
like a virus it breaks me down
It drains me of energy
It slows me down

Its destroying me

I'm devoid of all emotion
I'm just empty

I smile
I laugh
I joke

None of it meets my eyes

I draw
I sing
I dance

None of it is fun

I sleep
I eat
I shower

None of it seems needed

I hurt
I cry
I cut

None of it seems bad

I'm devoid of all emotion
I'm just empty

Take a knife
Stab me
Take a rope
Hang me
I won't stop you
I'll even help you
Take some pills
Dose me
Take a bat
Beat me
I won't stop you
I'll even help you
Throw me
Off the bridge
Take a towel
Suffocate me
I won't stop you
I'll even help you
End this life
Make it a ******
Or an accident
To save the ones
Around me
This is the end
So long and goodnight

Anxiety
Insecurity
Self hatred
Fueled by staying inside
By never seeing people
By wearing a mask

Full face
Half face
No face
Hide behind the cloth
The screen
The walls

Privacy
Intimacy
Fear
Leave me anonymous
Unseen
Invisible

In pink she skips through the grass
She laughs at the butterflies
She basks in the warm sunshine

In white she soars through the sky
She jumps with the summer sun
She runs with the winter winds

In black she walks through the dark
She cries with the midnight moon
She screams at the stars above

In red she rests in our hearts
She sits among the flowers
She stands among the mourning

If only you could see us
Together again for you
All of us in black and red

If only we could show you
How many people love you
All the lives you’ve touched and changed

If only I could call you
Tell you how much I miss you
Tell you how much I love you

You didn’t have to leave us
You didn’t have to do it
You didn’t have to give up

I’m begging you to come back
I’m begging you to stay here
I’m begging you to live

I’m sorry for all the pain
I’m sorry for all the loss
You deserved to have better

Living was hard, I know it was
I’m so proud of you for trying
I can’t wait to see you again


“Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I’ve been changed for good.” -For Good, Wicked

The stars are shining bright
Come sit with me tonight
Your hair is a perfect mess
I would never think more or less
Of you than perfection
Listen to the crickets sing
The melody of harmony

8,000 miles isn't enough
To keep me away
8,000 miles isn't enough
For me to stop loving you

We share the sky
As we dance all night
The world is alive
Buzzing with sound
Natures music is my remorse
We won't stop until the sky turns pale
Time and space aren't enough to stop me

8,000 miles isn't enough
To keep me away
8,000 miles isn't enough
For me to stop loving you

The stars are shining bright
Come sit with me tonight
Your hair is a perfect mess
I would never think more or less
Of you than perfection
Listen to the crickets sing
The melody of harmony

8,000 miles isn't enough
To keep me away
8,000 miles isn't enough
For me to stop loving you

We share the sky
As we dance all night
The world is alive
Buzzing with sound
Natures music is my remorse
We won't stop until the sky turns pale
Time and space aren't enough to stop me

The world can move on without us
I just want to live here and now

8,000 miles isn't enough
To keep me away
8,000 miles isn't enough
For me to stop loving you

He acts like a player
                                      She's a cheerleader
                                                     ­                     He hits up all the girls
She's the one everyone wants
                                                       He goes home at night
                                                                ­                                  She avoids home
He likes his best friend
                                           She skips a meal
                                                            ­                He just wants to stop hiding
She just wants to be thin
                                               He comes out as gay
                                                             ­                          She no longer eats
He's beat up by his 'friends'
                                                    She­ collapses during class
                                                           ­                                           He's in the ER
She's in the OR
                               His skull caved in
                                                                ­  Her heart is starved
                                                                ­                                          
He wakes up with amnesia
                                                     She remembers it all
                                                                ­                
He dies to brain damage
                                                She starves to death

This all started with one comment. A whisper in the halls. Something about her size.

He just wanted to be himself, but they didn't want him there.

His hair is caramel with a twist
Light and dark
Golden and perfect
It just falls short of his eyes
He smiles widely
His teeth straight and white
His eyes they linger on hazel
When he's serious they dip to brown
He always seems to make me smile
He doesn't know it yet
But I love him
I really do
He may not know me well
But he's too perfect not to just stand and stare

I was born in a house
All I ever needed was a home

I just want to go home
To a place where I won't hurt
A place I feel safe
A place I want to be

How do you go home
when all you have is a house?

My heart is bound in chains
And you hold the key
My mind is filled with you
Yet empty of love
Sorrow fills myself
I crumble
I cry
You still have all of my heart
You still have all of me
My fate lies with you
My destiny walks with your's
My body is loud and open
Yet my soul is locked away
Pain fills me
I crumble
I cry
You still have all of my heart
You still have all of me

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never go home again.
My room will sit unused,
A capsule frozen in time,
A snapshot of how I was.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my dog again.
She will sit at the front door
Waiting for me and wondering,
Why I never came home.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never graduate from high school.
My yearbooks will sit stacked
Stopped short of their goal,
Missing years that should have been.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my mom again.
She will sit distraught,
Planning a funeral
For a child taken from her.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my friends again.
They'll sit together, missing me.
One empty seat among them,
A constant reminder of their loss.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my little sister again.
She will sit through high school
Knowing I can't guide her through,
That she has to figure it out alone.

If I die in a school shooting
My school will be stained.
Pools of students lives will sit,
Blood tattoos on the brick structures,
Marks of death ground into it.

If I die in a school shooting
Everyone will wear black.
They'll send their thoughts and prayers
To a town marred by death,
Forever to be the home of a shooting.

If I die in a school shooting
Will the world change?
Or will I become one of hundreds  
Of kids who have to die?
What will it take?

If things continue this way
Children will have to live in fear.
They'll look over their shoulders
Always worried and wondering,
If they'll die in a school shooting.

The big C (cancer) ruined my life
You came and revived me
You swept me off my feet
Now I sit here and wonder
What have I done wrong?
Was it worth the fight?
I've pondered giving up
Leaving to never return
But I feel deep in my heart
That you still love me so
I don't want to believe it
I want to leave the earth
But I can’t ignore this feeling
If you loved me would you let me go?

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

She was lost years ago
To the cancer in her body
Her ashes spread in the sea
Resting where she loved

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

She was lost way too young
The water too deep for her
Stuffed animals on the alter
Two years wasn’t enough

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

He was lost last week
When he fell too far
Only eighteen years
Sister said “see you soon”

I’m tired of people dying
Of all the loss in this world

She was lost long ago
Her heart beat blocked
A daughter, a sister, a niece
Just SMiLe, you’ll be okay

I’m tired of people dying

“We don’t remember days, we remember moments.”

I remember four boys
willing to take in a lost kid.
I remember meeting him
in the middle of a winter night.
I remember meeting him
when we got lost among the rocks.
I remember meeting him
in an island bakery.
I remember meeting him
when I tripped into his life.

I remember that first gathering,
how awkward and nervous I was.
I remember not wanting to speak
for fear of ruining everything.
I remember mad libs in the dark,
how I never knew my turn.
I remember telling them my age,
for I am but a child in this world.
I remember talks under the stars,
how we were never tired yet.

I remember hearing his voice
and being surprised by him.
I remember adventures in the trees,
learning what it means to be mortal.
I remember learning his language
and completely butchering it.
I remember keeping him up,
how he claimed to never be tired.
I remember the sound of his voice
and the color of his eyes.

I remember his unique accent
and how mesmerized I was.
I remember the forbidden mine
that echoed with our laughter.
I remember the stories he told
and the memories he shared.
I remember hearing his dream,
how he wants to change the world.
I remember the way he spoke
and the hope he gave me.

I remember being nervous around him
and not wanting to mess up.
I remember when he called me friend,
how happy and proud I felt.
I remember his bad jokes
and the chaos he caused.
I remember his description of me,
how beautifully he thought of me.
I remember the strength in his words
and the safety I felt in them.

I remember how he stumbled
and how embarrassed he was.
I remember complimenting him,
how flushed his cheeks got.
I remember his infectious laugh
and the brilliant smile that joined it.
I remember how he treated everyone,
how he made all of them feel loved.
I remember seeing the universe in his eyes
and finally feeling free.

I remember hearing his voice
and how it shook with fear.
I remember his unique accent
and how choked up it was.
I remember him being nervous
and not wanting to slip up.
I remember how he stumbled
and how terrified he was.

I remember my skin
and all the blood it let.
I remember the pain,
how I went numb.
I remember the tears
and how they stung.
I remember my breaths
and my struggling lungs.
I remember it wasn’t enough,
that there had to be more.

I remembered my boys.

I remembered their fear filled eyes.
I remembered their tear-stained cheeks.
I remembered their hitching breaths.
I remembered their shaking voices.
I remembered their worrying hands.

I remembered.

I remembered
I needed them.

I remembered
They needed me.

I remembered my family.

I remembered
I couldn’t leave them.

I remembered to live.

Leave me alone
I screamed it into the night

Leave me alone
I cried it into my pillows

Leave me alone
I begged it into the dark

Leave me alone

So they did

They left me alone

You're my second half
My one and only
Your hand fits perfectly into mine
We shine together like stars in the sky
You're my love in this love like woe

“Life is a precious thing. I've learned that in my time on this earth.”
Life is a precious thing. I’ve learned that in my time on this earth.

“15 whole years of being a speck in oblivion.”
Seventeen years of being a speck in oblivion.

“I'm crying as I speak these words. I wish I could have made a mark on this world.”
This time I’m not crying as I write this. I see that I don’t need to make my mark.

“You know...... Just one thing to be remembered by. God this is so fault in our stars.”
I don’t need to be remembered widely. Living in a few hearts is all I need.

“I'm not ready for this. Three weeks to do what? Sit here and rot away?”
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready but everyday is a gift to live and enjoy.

“Sleep and say goodbye to everyone I care about. This isn't how life should work.”
Goodbyes will never get easier but they’re never forever and that’s how life should work.

“You're supposed to grow old with the man of your dreams and tell stories to your grandkids.”
I’m going to grow old with the love of my life and recall my glory days with them.

“To get married and run off with cans on the back of your car.”
I’m going to get married in an old church and drive off in a classic car.

“I haven't even gotten to go to prom and dance with the guy I like.”
Prom this past year was amazing. I’ve never felt more loved than dancing in his arms.

“Because I don't care what people think. I want to go to college and stress out about school and homework and tests.”
I could care less what people think. I’m going off to college next year. I’m stressed about applications, and homework, and papers.

“That’s what teenagers do. They don't have to worry about how long their going to live and if their best friend will come and say goodbye.”
That’s just what teenagers do. I’m lucky that I no longer have to worry about how long I’m going to live.

“They have two arms and two legs. They do sports and hang in groups.”
I’m missing one of my legs. I run track and play basketball. I see my friends most every weekend.

“They go to the mall and the skate park. They don't have to care about anything, but I can't help but care because I can't stand see someone suffer the way I have.”
We hang out at the mall and each others’ houses. We all care about something, we’ve all felt pain, and we all don’t want another to feel the pain we’ve had.

“I know things could be worse, but they could be better too.”
Things could always be worse, but they don’t get better than this.

Things are always okay
Until midnight rolls around

At midnight my demons emerge
At midnight my thoughts race
At midnight I remember

I remember I'm useless
I remember I'm unloved
I remember I'm unwanted

Things always okay
Until midnight rolls around

At midnight I can't sleep
At midnight I can't breathe
At midnight I can't feel

My eyes are filled with tear
My skin is covered in cuts
My bathtub is stained in blood

Things are never okay
Until midnight rolls around

A small girl sees a doll
Her name is Lucy
It's holding up 3 fingers
Her mother buys it
The girl goes home
She plays with this new doll
She names her Mindy
The girl is called to dinner
She falls asleep soon after
Carried off to bed
The doll is forgotten on the step
The girl hears a noise in the night
"Lucy I'm on the first step"
In a glassy voice
They a thump and a drag
"Lucy I'm on the second step"
Thump, drag
"Lucy I'm on the third step"
Thump, drag
"Lucy I'm on the fourth step"
Thump, drag
"Lucy I'm on the fifth step."
Thump, drag
On until step eighteen
"Lucy I'm at the landing"
Thump, drag, thump, drag
Foot steps towards the door
Thump, drag, thump drag
A soft knock on the door
"Lucy I'm here"
The door creaks open
The footsteps approach
The girl is paralyzed with fear
The comforter at the end of the bed pulls
The doll appears
She crawls across the bed
"Hello Lucy"
She holds up four fingers in a wave
The dolls holds a knife
"Goodnight Lucy"