My mind is going weird again and hurting my head
I don't know what to make of it

I think
I want a male me
Or just me. I want another me. Doesn't necessarily have to be male. Can be female. Why not both. But I want another physical and spiritual embodiment of who I am as a person

A part of me just wants to hug and hold someone. And my head is automatically choosing said person, but the feeling of the mere hug and contact is overshadowing the identity of the person by a few degrees

I miss calloused hands roaming my body. And I miss body heat. I miss legs I can entangle mine with. I miss the crooks of necks. I miss snores emanating from a chest and hearing the rumble in the air from it. I miss tired faces resting and appearing destressed. I miss light groans as a body shifts positions in their sleep.

I think I can pinpoint what it is that I miss. Because although all sound like physical and verbal responses, it is not the actions, although they always go hand in hand.

I think I miss intimacy. But what is necessarily intimacy?
There's a few definitions as soon as one googles it
A close familiarity or closeness. A private, cozy atmosphere. A closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject.

My chest aches and pounds as I try to put my finger on what it is I'm searching for. The more it aches, the closer I am to finding my answer

Intimacy.
In-tih-mah-see.
In-to-me-see.
See-in-to-me.
Intimacy is to see in to me.
It is to let and allow someone to see you for who you are, to know what makes you a being.
But not necessarily in your head.

Intimacy is the knowledge of how another person's mind control's their body. How the body reacts to acts that can cause the mind to blank or move forward just off-beat of the body.

It's dragging your fingertips over their body and feeling the goosebumps rise as a laugh comes from the mouth over the words "popcorn butter is actually coconut oil with artificial flavoring" and feeling your eyes connect the dots between those goosebumps to their face and your brain noticing the connection between noises and nerve endings.

Intimacy is a weird state to be in. Because too much can cause the mind to blank and overload itself with serotonin and dopamine. All the while there is never enough time in the world to drag on that forever feeling
It's the act of getting lost in a person and discovering bits and pieces of how you affect said person.
In body, in mind, in response

I think I'm done because I don't know how else to frame my words. My head hurts and my chest pounds with equal force. I believe it's time for me to bid adieu and deal with this in the dreamscape

Setting stones in your pockets to get your mind down to Earth
Skipping rocks over water to watch them sink one last time
Scaling cliffs just to watch the valleys from up high
The physical minerals of this world remind us of the things within ourselves that we choose to avoid
The vitamins we lack from touch of rays because sun equates to happiness and knowledge. And we put it off for the next day
That's why the physicians always tell us to watch our vitamins and minerals
We are malnourished in interactions. Nature being the physical aspect we use to forget about the inside.
At least for the moment
Until we choose to live healthily.

Silver skin and copper veins
Rusty joints and beta brains
No one thought, I.E. Me
Would get to FEEL differently
My mouth could say the functions
Every thing from meaning to time
To the way airplanes mimic birds
But never could it find those words
And yet with your presence
Your file hidden and bound
A corruption in my databanks
404 Not Found.
I can name you every color
In the spectrum of the light
I cannot seem to find a name
In the coloring of your eye
I cannot name your existence
It's far different than I
I am but a robot
And you are something I cannot describe
How can you compute
Even more than me
Yet still have the essence
To make you want to BE
What ARE you?
What have you done?
You've made me feel frightened
Of what I've become
I know I am not a robot
But that is how I think
So with this Will I have installed
What will become of Me?

How?
How come you look so similar
So similar to me?
Or do I look like you
And the opposites we have been born to be?
You,
Short, endowed, a sublime storm of art and chaos
Me,
Slender, twig-like, an anxious force of half-capabilities
The raven hair
The similar eyes
Not in color, but intuitive sight
Latched on to the first of our lives
And refusing to move forward
While constantly looking back at the past
You and I
Me and You
We are the same
As much as we are different beings, we are the same
And you hate me with such passion
The red of my blood would light your paintings on fire
I pity you with heavy hearts and immeasurable patience
I could drown in the ocean of your own tears.
But we are the same
And there is nothing we can do about it.
So I'll keep you in my thoughts
Dear doppelgänger
As I persist in yours.

It's nice to see you after such a Long time apart
Your touch makes all the colors of my skin turn to art
Several nights pass, down this bottom of a glass
I cannot speak my relief to have you in my hands
These first few sips as I bring you to my lips
Make me feel so dizzy, filthy -
This hell is my bliss
Though after much time with ya
I feel nauseous in my boudoir
Maybe my dependence is a hindrance to my brilliance
But I don't know who I am in the presence of your absence

Free me of this sickness
Get me out of my mind
This virus in my body
Keeps me awake at night

And I wait under the covers
Take my drugs, suppress my fever
But it's something I can't sweat out
The tightness in my throat
The aching of my bones
Burning behind my eyes oh tell me why why why why

I can't shake you off
I can't believe it
Dust inside my lungs
From breathing you in
Every cell in me has been contaminated
Put me under quarantine

Fires burning in my head
Don't think I've even left this bed for days
Time slips
And spills away
Keep getting sicker
Haven't found a way
To treat my symptoms or find my cure
I don't know what I'm looking for
As the hours pass, all I can think
Is how you (went and) infected me

And I'm so sick of feeling wrong
And coughing up my ******* lungs
Every bit of my being's getting worse
I became a victim of it first
I'm patient zero
And until I find you, then
I will never be healthy again

I tried
I tried
So ******* hard
To get you to stay
I pulled out all the stops
And all the tricks
To get you to stay
Even though
That's not what I
Want from you
So you would stay
I'm
Losing you
Losing you
Can't get you to stay
I don't care
If it rains
Just listen to tears fall down
Through the clouds
Instead of mine
Drive away
To your bed
Instead of my tent...
Come sleep next to me
Under the stars
We can talk about
Insecurities
And promises
That fell through
Or told towards
Those we care
Under stupor
Under stealth
About ourselves
It's lies we take in to be our truths
So what about you?

Don't say it
Oh, don't say it
Saying it changes everything

It's in your hands
The royal flush of my blush skin
You've got the cards to tear all I am from within

May your lust consume from March to June year after year
Before it's much too late for your sick guilt to disappear

All that's said in bed, young nymph lessons, life's not dead
Echo out those ancient stories in my head
Just how I won't say it first
Narcissus can't find the words
Lips so soft and silent
Actions not unspoken

Be the amber stone I wear around my neck
So your presence weighs upon me
Be the noose that's not too loose
Like a hairband too tight to pull through
Be the virus in my body
That no medication can treat
Be the white noise in my head
So I can't properly think
Be the darkness of my shadow
So I feel you loom as the hours pass
Be that sensation before I sneeze
So I feel you linger when my nose hits the breeze
Be the God to my religion
So I can feel you all around me
Be the devil in the details
To feel your curses smite me
Do not, however, be my downfall
Even though you already are
By being the haunting of my waking thoughts
You've left me considering your skin with my scars

My throat closes

Every single time

When I want to speak or let myself be heard, I close

I let others speak for me. In whistling tunes I found through the Tube or stories as told by those who live them

I find it is not my time to speak.

For only when I am utmost alone can I even utter a single sigh and still it displeases me of its occurrence

Perhaps voiceless to allow others the space they might need to be themselves. So why am I upset of it

Meek and meager
Never there when you need her
Your silence is louder than a train wreck.

This is heaven
I’m in heaven
Heaven sent from the clouds above
This location
Of God’s creation
I never thought I’d see
I never want to leave

Heaven inside you
Heaven is all true
Heaven’s been on my mind
Heaven within me
Heaven forgive me
Is heaven just in my mind?

Heaven is in her arms
But it’s hell without you here

Everything is Alien
I Don’t know where I’m at
Warped spaces, in transit faces
Straight lines don’t exist in this dimension

Was it a pull or was it a push
It wasn’t my gut and it wasn’t a fluke
My brain feels like it’s splitting from the inside
And I don’t have claws to scoop it out

Everything is alien
I don’t know who you are
What is a you and what is there to do
When surroundings shapeshift and change perception

What is even happening, response flight or fight
Everything now is shaded in doubt
Everything is Alien now

Everything is alien
I don’t know who I am
What is my name, where is my mind
I can’t even breathe, I know something’s not right

Everything now is shaded in doubt
Everything is Alien now

I don’t know how to say that I’m not okay
Without feeling like a burden on someone’s day
I think other people feel the same
I think it best to keep my words in a safe
Do you see the state of the world?
It’s a stage that’s all burnt
All’s broken and nothing works
Look at our leaders
Gaining it all at the expense of all the teachers
Look at my features
I think that I’m a four maybe at best a five
And yet I wonder what the hell am I doing alive
I feel like I’m a waste
When there are others who would love to be in my place
As if I don’t know that.
I’m not good at anything
Or at least not something profitable
But I won’t dare send myself to a hospital
If it ain’t something painless
I’m not gonna spend life making payments on my medical fees
I’m not at ease
The woman in the mirror’s saying “help me, please”
But where do I begin?
I know it’s something I must do from within.