Don't say it
Oh, don't say it
Saying it changes everything

It's in your hands
The royal flush of my blush skin
You've got the cards to tear all I am from within

May your lust consume from March to June year after year
Before it's much too late for your sick guilt to disappear

All that's said in bed, young nymph lessons, life's not dead
Echo out those ancient stories in my head
Just how I won't say it first
Narcissus can't find the words
Lips so soft and silent
Actions not unspoken

Free me of this sickness
Get me out of my mind
This virus in my body
Keeps me awake at night

And I wait under the covers
Take my drugs, suppress my fever
But it's something I can't sweat out
The tightness in my throat
The aching of my bones
Burning behind my eyes oh tell me why why why why

I can't shake you off
I can't believe it
Dust inside my lungs
From breathing you in
Every cell in me has been contaminated
Put me under quarantine

Fires burning in my head
Don't think I've even left this bed for days
Time slips
And spills away
Keep getting sicker
Haven't found a way
To treat my symptoms or find my cure
I don't know what I'm looking for
As the hours pass, all I can think
Is how you (went and) infected me

And I'm so sick of feeling wrong
And coughing up my fucking lungs
Every bit of my being's getting worse
I became a victim of it first
I'm patient zero
And until I find you, then
I will never be healthy again

My mind is going weird again and hurting my head
I don't know what to make of it

I think
I want a male me
Or just me. I want another me. Doesn't necessarily have to be male. Can be female. Why not both. But I want another physical and spiritual embodiment of who I am as a person

A part of me just wants to hug and hold someone. And my head is automatically choosing said person, but the feeling of the mere hug and contact is overshadowing the identity of the person by a few degrees

I miss calloused hands roaming my body. And I miss body heat. I miss legs I can entangle mine with. I miss the crooks of necks. I miss snores emanating from a chest and hearing the rumble in the air from it. I miss tired faces resting and appearing destressed. I miss light groans as a body shifts positions in their sleep.

I think I can pinpoint what it is that I miss. Because although all sound like physical and verbal responses, it is not the actions, although they always go hand in hand.

I think I miss intimacy. But what is necessarily intimacy?
There's a few definitions as soon as one googles it
A close familiarity or closeness. A private, cozy atmosphere. A closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject.

My chest aches and pounds as I try to put my finger on what it is I'm searching for. The more it aches, the closer I am to finding my answer

Intimacy.
In-tih-mah-see.
In-to-me-see.
See-in-to-me.
Intimacy is to see in to me.
It is to let and allow someone to see you for who you are, to know what makes you a being.
But not necessarily in your head.

Intimacy is the knowledge of how another person's mind control's their body. How the body reacts to acts that can cause the mind to blank or move forward just off-beat of the body.

It's dragging your fingertips over their body and feeling the goosebumps rise as a laugh comes from the mouth over the words "popcorn butter is actually coconut oil with artificial flavoring" and feeling your eyes connect the dots between those goosebumps to their face and your brain noticing the connection between noises and nerve endings.

Intimacy is a weird state to be in. Because too much can cause the mind to blank and overload itself with serotonin and dopamine. All the while there is never enough time in the world to drag on that forever feeling
It's the act of getting lost in a person and discovering bits and pieces of how you affect said person.
In body, in mind, in response

I think I'm done because I don't know how else to frame my words. My head hurts and my chest pounds with equal force. I believe it's time for me to bid adieu and deal with this in the dreamscape

A collection of texts I sent to my friend while my thoughts ran rampant

I know you know I love you
I think I know you love me too
But it's not the same love.
It's not those butterflies I got in my stomach
Although you still give me those
It's not that plummet I felt from my throat to my chest
Although you caused them more than most
I think I know you love me
When you get protective and envious when someone makes a move
Although I catch myself smiling when you do
Those times you cross red-lined boundaries
Although I know you had the best intentions
It's not the same love.
When I stop the messages
Although you do them more than I
When you feel awkward with my interactions
Although I try not to question yours
When you go back to your first
And I ponder the thoughts of a second
When that disconnect feels so physical
I wonder if our loves have changed.
It's been so long since you've said the final words
Yet we still maintain the contact
Like nothing changed or happened
Even though everything did.
I look at you now and I know
I'd love to see you grow
I love the way we joke
I'd love to stay so close
I know it's not the same.
You know I love the way
Your glasses frame your face
Your lines that grow with age
You focus on your own pace.
You know it's not the same.
I think I love you differently
It feels like it's fading out
Into something deeply new
Like the way close friends do
I only want to know
If it's the same for you.

How?
How come you look so similar
So similar to me?
Or do I look like you
And the opposites we have been born to be?
You,
Short, endowed, a sublime storm of art and chaos
Me,
Slender, twig-like, an anxious force of half-capabilities
The raven hair
The similar eyes
Not in color, but intuitive sight
Latched on to the first of our lives
And refusing to move forward
While constantly looking back at the past
You and I
Me and You
We are the same
As much as we are different beings, we are the same
And you hate me with such passion
The red of my blood would light your paintings on fire
I pity you with heavy hearts and immeasurable patience
I could drown in the ocean of your own tears.
But we are the same
And there is nothing we can do about it.
So I'll keep you in my thoughts
Dear doppelgänger
As I persist in yours.

It's nice to see you after such a Long time apart
Your touch makes all the colors of my skin turn to art
Several nights pass, down this bottom of a glass
I cannot speak my relief to have you in my hands
These first few sips as I bring you to my lips
Make me feel so dizzy, filthy -
This hell is my bliss
Though after much time with ya
I feel nauseous in my boudoir
Maybe my dependence is a hindrance to my brilliance
But I don't know who I am in the presence of your absence

Silver skin and copper veins
Rusty joints and beta brains
No one thought, I.E. Me
Would get to FEEL differently
My mouth could say the functions
Every thing from meaning to time
To the way airplanes mimic birds
But never could it find those words
And yet with your presence
Your file hidden and bound
A corruption in my databanks
404 Not Found.
I can name you every color
In the spectrum of the light
I cannot seem to find a name
In the coloring of your eye
I cannot name your existence
It's far different than I
I am but a robot
And you are something I cannot describe
How can you compute
Even more than me
Yet still have the essence
To make you want to BE
What ARE you?
What have you done?
You've made me feel frightened
Of what I've become
I know I am not a robot
But that is how I think
So with this Will I have installed
What will become of Me?

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