This is heaven
I’m in heaven
Heaven sent from the clouds above
This location
Of God’s creation
I never thought I’d see
I never want to leave

Heaven inside you
Heaven is all true
Heaven’s been on my mind
Heaven within me
Heaven forgive me
Is heaven just in my mind?

Heaven is in her arms
But it’s hell without you here
I got inspired by I Monster and their track Heaven a few months ago. Figured I’d put this on here
Everything is Alien
I Don’t know where I’m at
Warped spaces, in transit faces
Straight lines don’t exist in this dimension

Was it a pull or was it a push
It wasn’t my gut and it wasn’t a fluke
My brain feels like it’s splitting from the inside
And I don’t have claws to scoop it out

Everything is alien
I don’t know who you are
What is a you and what is there to do
When surroundings shapeshift and change perception

What is even happening, response flight or fight
Everything now is shaded in doubt
Everything is Alien now

Everything is alien
I don’t know who I am
What is my name, where is my mind
I can’t even breathe, I know something’s not right

Everything now is shaded in doubt
Everything is Alien now
Don't say it
Oh, don't say it
Saying it changes everything

It's in your hands
The royal flush of my blush skin
You've got the cards to tear all I am from within

May your lust consume from March to June year after year
Before it's much too late for your sick guilt to disappear

All that's said in bed, young nymph lessons, life's not dead
Echo out those ancient stories in my head
Just how I won't say it first
Narcissus can't find the words
Lips so soft and silent
Actions not unspoken
Free me of this sickness
Get me out of my mind
This virus in my body
Keeps me awake at night

And I wait under the covers
Take my drugs, suppress my fever
But it's something I can't sweat out
The tightness in my throat
The aching of my bones
Burning behind my eyes oh tell me why why why why

I can't shake you off
I can't believe it
Dust inside my lungs
From breathing you in
Every cell in me has been contaminated
Put me under quarantine

Fires burning in my head
Don't think I've even left this bed for days
Time slips
And spills away
Keep getting sicker
Haven't found a way
To treat my symptoms or find my cure
I don't know what I'm looking for
As the hours pass, all I can think
Is how you (went and) infected me

And I'm so sick of feeling wrong
And coughing up my fucking lungs
Every bit of my being's getting worse
I became a victim of it first
I'm patient zero
And until I find you, then
I will never be healthy again
My mind is going weird again and hurting my head
I don't know what to make of it

I think
I want a male me
Or just me. I want another me. Doesn't necessarily have to be male. Can be female. Why not both. But I want another physical and spiritual embodiment of who I am as a person

A part of me just wants to hug and hold someone. And my head is automatically choosing said person, but the feeling of the mere hug and contact is overshadowing the identity of the person by a few degrees

I miss calloused hands roaming my body. And I miss body heat. I miss legs I can entangle mine with. I miss the crooks of necks. I miss snores emanating from a chest and hearing the rumble in the air from it. I miss tired faces resting and appearing destressed. I miss light groans as a body shifts positions in their sleep.

I think I can pinpoint what it is that I miss. Because although all sound like physical and verbal responses, it is not the actions, although they always go hand in hand.

I think I miss intimacy. But what is necessarily intimacy?
There's a few definitions as soon as one googles it
A close familiarity or closeness. A private, cozy atmosphere. A closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject.

My chest aches and pounds as I try to put my finger on what it is I'm searching for. The more it aches, the closer I am to finding my answer

Intimacy.
In-tih-mah-see.
In-to-me-see.
See-in-to-me.
Intimacy is to see in to me.
It is to let and allow someone to see you for who you are, to know what makes you a being.
But not necessarily in your head.

Intimacy is the knowledge of how another person's mind control's their body. How the body reacts to acts that can cause the mind to blank or move forward just off-beat of the body.

It's dragging your fingertips over their body and feeling the goosebumps rise as a laugh comes from the mouth over the words "popcorn butter is actually coconut oil with artificial flavoring" and feeling your eyes connect the dots between those goosebumps to their face and your brain noticing the connection between noises and nerve endings.

Intimacy is a weird state to be in. Because too much can cause the mind to blank and overload itself with serotonin and dopamine. All the while there is never enough time in the world to drag on that forever feeling
It's the act of getting lost in a person and discovering bits and pieces of how you affect said person.
In body, in mind, in response

I think I'm done because I don't know how else to frame my words. My head hurts and my chest pounds with equal force. I believe it's time for me to bid adieu and deal with this in the dreamscape
A collection of texts I sent to my friend while my thoughts ran rampant
I know you know I love you
I think I know you love me too
But it's not the same love.
It's not those butterflies I got in my stomach
Although you still give me those
It's not that plummet I felt from my throat to my chest
Although you caused them more than most
I think I know you love me
When you get protective and envious when someone makes a move
Although I catch myself smiling when you do
Those times you cross red-lined boundaries
Although I know you had the best intentions
It's not the same love.
When I stop the messages
Although you do them more than I
When you feel awkward with my interactions
Although I try not to question yours
When you go back to your first
And I ponder the thoughts of a second
When that disconnect feels so physical
I wonder if our loves have changed.
It's been so long since you've said the final words
Yet we still maintain the contact
Like nothing changed or happened
Even though everything did.
I look at you now and I know
I'd love to see you grow
I love the way we joke
I'd love to stay so close
I know it's not the same.
You know I love the way
Your glasses frame your face
Your lines that grow with age
You focus on your own pace.
You know it's not the same.
I think I love you differently
It feels like it's fading out
Into something deeply new
Like the way close friends do
I only want to know
If it's the same for you.
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