Overdose
I'm often taken back,
to the moment you were lost.
I can't help myself from asking,
could you have known the cost?

The pain was hard to handle,
it grew deep inside of you.
sweet relief knocked at your door,
but its promise was untrue.

Its visits started slowly,
then its power quickly grew.
blinded by its pleasure,
it warmed you through and through.

At first I made excuses,
for all the heartache that you caused.
your past  had not been perfect
and you struggled with its flaws.

I knew that I could fix you,
if I learned to do things right.
so I came to your rescue,
and attacked with all my might.

But the evil built up strength,
sometimes tearing me inside out.
the lies and disappointments,
helped to feed into my doubt.

The demon was persistent,
and haunted you at night.
breaking any self control,
by using all its might.

My heart shattered to pieces,
as I watched you  disappear.
the person looking back at me,
saw a future that he feared.

Then that bitter call came in,
on a gorgeous winter day.
the sun that shined so brightly,
quickly turned to grey.

There were so many questions,
we never got the facts.
emotions got the best of me,
my heart fought to relax.

The guilt was hard to handle,
as I faced it day to day.
blaming myself harshly,
because I hadn't known the way.

I struggled to find peace,
and prayed to God above,
begging for forgiveness,
and needing all his love.

The words spoke to me softly,
and the truth took root within.
the grievous battle, that was lost,
was never mine to win.

I was often
envious
of those that knew which road to choose,
walking it like a familiar memory,
while I would stumble and fall.

I blindly moved forward.
Sometimes taking too long,
to pick myself up,
bruised and scraped
backtracking
wandering
and
making up for lost time
in both lightness  
and
overwhelming darkness

I would pray for a sign,
a compass
to give me direction,
as the sun and moon
exchanged glances

But somewhere along my journey,
envy went missing
and
now I often pass by those
that knew their way-
voraciously attempting
to trace their steps
back to the road they came from

Searching
for the wrong turn they made
ragged
blinded
by
their mistakes

As I look back at the view
of my trail
from where I have risen
after every fall
and I see my bruises and scrapes
that created a map

I notice its key
identifying pitfalls and battlegrounds
mountaintops
valleys
and  
rivers that flow effortlessly

and I find myself
at peace.

The
scariest
place to be
is on the
          edge...

                         the precipice
                             between
        keeping it together
                    and falling
                    into
          the abyss

Knowing
      that when you fall
you
    fall
a
l
o
n
e

I look at you
and I whisper
a prayer

hoping you'll
reveal
that smile.....
                      slightly twisted

the one
that pulled me in....
                    begging for understanding

that smile
like
the moon to the tide....
                      gravitational
                                 forever changing

leaving me breathless...
                      surrendering
                                  all control

Life  is merely
a series
of before and afters
      begininngs and endings,
    
Sometimes we
are a fortune's king,
    weilding the key
to open
or close doors.

Other times,
our control is lost
and a line is drawn
    by the sword of a skillful hand
marking
         a change of heart
or opportunity.

Inevitably, death bows
to the governing power of Chronus
    holding time in his hands
  
But in between
the before and afters,
and the beginnings and endings
are moments.

   defining
turning
    quiet
stolen
of no return

Moments

The rhythmic newborn baby's cry,
    goodbyes that cast a shadow,
songs filled with Heaven's joy?
kisses that taste of forever,
      breezes that dance with the angels
   or quarrels armed with poison.
  
Moments

Some left with arms reaching
      for they were missed.
 a hesitant heart refusing love
words left unspoken
     time not taken
forgiveness held captive

Looking back
at memories held,
    moments have brought
light and darkness
but the missed moments
    have left the deepest scars
marking opportunity's lost.

So, I try to remember
  that in between
the before and afters,
   and the beginings and endings,
are moments,
    and I shall
adorn them in jewels
and embrace them in peace
lest them not be missed
for soon,
   they too shall pass.

Fear* had crept in quietly,
         and she had unknowingly
     let it take shelter,
where it could breathe new life
    in the dismal recesses of her mind

Years spent
in a self inflicted purgatory

         her soul
         torn
         by the memories
         of those
         she could not save

her mind
wandering aimlessly
like an abandoned child
searching
for comfort

         her body
         weak and sickened
         desecrated
         from carrying the burden
     
induced
to sever the chains
that had bound her freedom
for life was slowly fading

            a pardon finally granted
            for that
            which she could *not control

Sometimes
I look at couples

with their perfect families

               holding tight to a
kaleidoscope
          of joy

and I wonder
why everything I see

is so black and white

        and I wish
someone could show me
a glimpse
                  of color that doesn't fade

For some,
                 the most difficult part
      of being loved
is the fear
                that
your lover will awaken
                                   one day
and
realize *you are undeserving of it.

Their love
             was a
    forbidden fruit
a daily invitation
    put in front of them
and they had known
            that once temptation
finally stole their
     willpower
there'd be no turning back
       because
the fear of the
     consequences wasn't
enough to stop
    them...
             for it had
                  tasted too **sweet

As she saw her
tear streaked reflection
in the mirror,
with its dark circles
nestled amongst
swollen eyes,
she began to think
quietly to herself.

       Again

Staring,
her image,
paralyzed
by the
grave awareness
that was silently
being exposed.
her thoughts,
a mere whisper.

                Again

Fading
       away

Melancholy words
suddenly grew strength
rushing
into an emphatic rant,
tears of anger,  
hastily
rolled from her eyes,
scorching her cheeks.

She had been here before,
this was nothing knew.
on the edge of
keeping it together
or losing it all,
familiarity

            Again

The weight of her emotions
dragged her down
onto the floor
remaining motionless
minutes passed,
maybe even hours,
and then she did
what she had wanted
to do for years.

Kneeling,
head resting on the floor,
she began asking
what she had done so wrong
screaming
not knowing
who she was sceaming to,
assuming it was God
if he existed.

    Again

She screamed for all the pain
she had felt,
cried for the losses
that littered her life
hating  herself
for not having
the ability to move on,
making her feel
more
sadness or anger.

She had reached
a point
where she couldn't
distinguish
one from the other.
was she sad
or was she angry?
she hadn't a clue.
together though,
her tears
and her anger
the perfect storm.

              Again

She waited
needing a reply
she begged for Him
to give a reason
for her suffering.

People that knew her,
thought she was
strong and independent.
unaware
this time of year
carried a burden.
a burden
that was eventually
going to
crush or release her.

She
     waited
              alone

listening to the silence.

It's propped against the wall,
anxiously awaiting to be played
sometimes it takes week
but often just a day

When she takes it in her hands
and begins to tune it up
it wakes up from its sleep
feeling the comfort of her touch

As she starts to strum along
the flowing melody is found
her voice begins to rise
my heart smiles at the sound

Eavesdropping just to hear her
because she doesn't understand
how I'm overwhelmed with joy
and that I'm her biggest fan

It's not the way she plays
or how beautiful she sings
it's the humbleness she shows
and the serenity it brings

To have that kind of passion
without needing to be praised
my daughter's gift sent from above
gratefully received in many ways

There were days
she felt as if she were drowning
in an ocean of
expectations, failure, and fear

She knew that feeling
wouldn't last long though
because God had a way
of reminding her
that she had learned
how to swim

For that
     she was
            forever
                 grateful

They say things will get easier
as the years go by,
so I wait to see the difference
but then I question, "why?"

Sometimes I feel like I'm ok
and accept that you're gone,
yet there are other times
it's so very hard to carry on

November brings this emptiness
at the end of every day,
the daylight brings me comfort
but at night, a hole, is where I lay

My mind is still reminded
of the games that we would play,
the trouble we'd get into
and all the lies we'd have to say

We knew we had a bond
that would always be just ours,
and as the years past along
we shared so many scars

I felt the burden of your pain
and of the damage you would do,
every time your heart would bleed
mine would pour out too

They say to just be THANKFUL
for the years I had with you,
to share in all the holidays
but now they'll always be too few

As November's door closes
and the calendar moves along,
December rears its ugly head
and you're heard in every song

Here comes Santa Claus
ringing through my ears,
Silent Night is only heard
through my falling tears

No one will ever understand
how we'd scour through the house,
hoping to find some presents
you'd say, "be quiet as a mouse"

They say it will get better
sadness will turn to cheer,
memories should be precious
but its so hard this time of year

As Christmas comes upon on us
I force myself from my bed,
to decorate the tree and shop
when I'd rather sleep instead

The empty seat at the table
hits me every time,
a symbolic rememberance
as the clock begins to chime

The conversation's always lacking
without your voice amongst the noise,
then my mind flashes back
to former Christmas mornings and all the toys

Things changed as we got older
but laughter still filled the room,
now opening the presents
just fills my heart with doom

As the day comes to an end
I sigh and breath relief,
only a few more days
and the month will be complete

In those final days
a weight's placed on my chest,
our last conversation was so heavy
my mind runs without a rest

It's as if I see myself
from some other point of view,
answering the phone
to hysteria about you

Her voice was full of fear
but I still hear my mother say,
"your brother, he's gone"
I knew the Lord took him away

The 30th will mark five years
I've survived without you,
but anyone who says "it gets easier"
just doesn't have a clue

I know it might sound crazy
even I don't understand,
why sometimes I'm still a little girl
in need of my *big brother's hand

I went up to the mountain,
because you asked me to,
up over the clouds,
to where the sky was blue.
I could see all around me,
everywhere.
I could see all around me,
everywhere.

Sometimes I feel like,
I've never been nothing but tired,
and I'll be walking
til the day I expire.
Sometimes I lay down,
no more can I do,
but then I go on again
because you ask me to.

Some days I look down,
afraid I will fall,
and though the sun shines,
I see nothing at all.
Then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go,
come and then go,
telling me softly
you love me so.

Maybe there’s a God above,
but all I’ve ever learned from love,
was how to shoot at someone
who outdrew you.
It’s not a cry you can hear at night.
It’s not somebody
who has seen the light.
It’s a cold,
and it’s a broken Hallelujah,

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah