I was often
envious
of those that knew which road to choose,
walking it like a familiar memory,
while I would stumble and fall.

I blindly moved forward.
Sometimes taking too long,
to pick myself up,
bruised and scraped
backtracking
wandering
and
making up for lost time
in both lightness  
and
overwhelming darkness

I would pray for a sign,
a compass
to give me direction,
as the sun and moon
exchanged glances

But somewhere along my journey,
envy went missing
and
now I often pass by those
that knew their way-
voraciously attempting
to trace their steps
back to the road they came from

Searching
for the wrong turn they made
ragged
blinded
by
their mistakes

As I look back at the view
of my trail
from where I have risen
after every fall
and I see my bruises and scrapes
that created a map

I notice its key
identifying pitfalls and battlegrounds
mountaintops
valleys
and  
rivers that flow effortlessly

and I find myself
at peace.

The
scariest
place to be
is on the
          edge...

                         the precipice
                             between
        keeping it together
                    and falling
                    into
          the abyss

Knowing
      that when you fall
you
    fall
a
l
o
n
e

I look at you
and I whisper
a prayer

hoping you'll
reveal
that smile.....
                      slightly twisted

the one
that pulled me in....
                    begging for understanding

that smile
like
the moon to the tide....
                      gravitational
                                 forever changing

leaving me breathless...
                      surrendering
                                  all control

Life  is merely
a series
of before and afters
      begininngs and endings,
    
Sometimes we
are a fortune's king,
    weilding the key
to open
or close doors.

Other times,
our control is lost
and a line is drawn
    by the sword of a skillful hand
marking
         a change of heart
or opportunity.

Inevitably, death bows
to the governing power of Chronus
    holding time in his hands
  
But in between
the before and afters,
and the beginnings and endings
are moments.

   defining
turning
    quiet
stolen
of no return

Moments

The rhythmic newborn baby's cry,
    goodbyes that cast a shadow,
songs filled with Heaven's joy?
kisses that taste of forever,
      breezes that dance with the angels
   or quarrels armed with poison.
  
Moments

Some left with arms reaching
      for they were missed.
 a hesitant heart refusing love
words left unspoken
     time not taken
forgiveness held captive

Looking back
at memories held,
    moments have brought
light and darkness
but the missed moments
    have left the deepest scars
marking opportunity's lost.

So, I try to remember
  that in between
the before and afters,
   and the beginings and endings,
are moments,
    and I shall
adorn them in jewels
and embrace them in peace
lest them not be missed
for soon,
   they too shall pass.

Sometimes
I look at couples

with their perfect families

               holding tight to a
kaleidoscope
          of joy

and I wonder
why everything I see

is so black and white

        and I wish
someone could show me
a glimpse
                  of color that doesn't fade

It's propped against the wall,
anxiously awaiting to be played
sometimes it takes week
but often just a day

When she takes it in her hands
and begins to tune it up
it wakes up from its sleep
feeling the comfort of her touch

As she starts to strum along
the flowing melody is found
her voice begins to rise
my heart smiles at the sound

Eavesdropping just to hear her
because she doesn't understand
how I'm overwhelmed with joy
and that I'm her biggest fan

It's not the way she plays
or how beautiful she sings
it's the humbleness she shows
and the serenity it brings

To have that kind of passion
without needing to be praised
my daughter's gift sent from above
gratefully received in many ways

There were days
she felt as if she were drowning
in an ocean of
expectations, failure, and fear

She knew that feeling
wouldn't last long though
because God had a way
of reminding her
that she had learned
how to swim

For that
     she was
            forever
                 grateful

They say things will get easier
as the years go by,
so I wait to see the difference
but then I question, "why?"

Sometimes I feel like I'm ok
and accept that you're gone,
yet there are other times
it's so very hard to carry on

November brings this emptiness
at the end of every day,
the daylight brings me comfort
but at night, a hole, is where I lay

My mind is still reminded
of the games that we would play,
the trouble we'd get into
and all the lies we'd have to say

We knew we had a bond
that would always be just ours,
and as the years past along
we shared so many scars

I felt the burden of your pain
and of the damage you would do,
every time your heart would bleed
mine would pour out too

They say to just be THANKFUL
for the years I had with you,
to share in all the holidays
but now they'll always be too few

As November's door closes
and the calendar moves along,
December rears its ugly head
and you're heard in every song

Here comes Santa Claus
ringing through my ears,
Silent Night is only heard
through my falling tears

No one will ever understand
how we'd scour through the house,
hoping to find some presents
you'd say, "be quiet as a mouse"

They say it will get better
sadness will turn to cheer,
memories should be precious
but its so hard this time of year

As Christmas comes upon on us
I force myself from my bed,
to decorate the tree and shop
when I'd rather sleep instead

The empty seat at the table
hits me every time,
a symbolic rememberance
as the clock begins to chime

The conversation's always lacking
without your voice amongst the noise,
then my mind flashes back
to former Christmas mornings and all the toys

Things changed as we got older
but laughter still filled the room,
now opening the presents
just fills my heart with doom

As the day comes to an end
I sigh and breath relief,
only a few more days
and the month will be complete

In those final days
a weight's placed on my chest,
our last conversation was so heavy
my mind runs without a rest

It's as if I see myself
from some other point of view,
answering the phone
to hysteria about you

Her voice was full of fear
but I still hear my mother say,
"your brother, he's gone"
I knew the Lord took him away

The 30th will mark five years
I've survived without you,
but anyone who says "it gets easier"
just doesn't have a clue

I know it might sound crazy
even I don't understand,
why sometimes I'm still a little girl
in need of my *big brother's hand

I went up to the mountain,
because you asked me to,
up over the clouds,
to where the sky was blue.
I could see all around me,
everywhere.
I could see all around me,
everywhere.

Sometimes I feel like,
I've never been nothing but tired,
and I'll be walking
til the day I expire.
Sometimes I lay down,
no more can I do,
but then I go on again
because you ask me to.

Some days I look down,
afraid I will fall,
and though the sun shines,
I see nothing at all.
Then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go,
come and then go,
telling me softly
you love me so.

Maybe there’s a God above,
but all I’ve ever learned from love,
was how to shoot at someone
who outdrew you.
It’s not a cry you can hear at night.
It’s not somebody
who has seen the light.
It’s a cold,
and it’s a broken Hallelujah,

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There is something
in your presence
that makes me feel
like I am returning home,
as though I've
traced the outline of that sparkling smile,  
                anticipated your kiss,
                        and recognized the whisper of your voice,
long before now.

Instances,
in which we have known each other
                        in some other
                                                 existence.
Ti­mes,
when I am acutely aware
         and can sense
             your disposition, cravings and            
                                        aversions
simply by looking into your eyes, hearing your voice,  
or contemplating your touch.

Our paths in this life,
        of course,
    have simply not allowed this to be          
                                    imaginable.

 But its in those moments,             
serendipitous moments,
           when I feel like
                       I am rediscovering you,
instead of becoming acquainted with the essence of you.

And it makes me wonder.

An amalgamation of all that has been
and all that will ever be:

Waves of joy, gently washing over my body,
heartache, pulling me under, like an ocean current

A  harmony beckening for peace,
turbulent storms unleashing disaster

Laughter, an enduring friendship,
sadness, an unwelcomed thief in the night

Comfort, tenderly healing a wound,
pain, like the crack of a whip

The blessing of life entering the world,
a devouring ache, cast by the shadow of death

The sweet taste of desire,
and a wretched stench of apathy

Embraces, like the warmth of the sun,
aggression, a scorching burn

Courage, roaring within my soul,
fear,  shivers surging down my spine

Enchanting dreams, written in the stars,
a sky brimming of failure, waiting to downpour

Love, a heavenly paradise, thankful to be explored,
hate, fallen into the gutter, begging for forgiveness

Fragment upon fragment,
all that shines its light and all that creates darkness

You are LIFE
*MY PERPETUAL MUSE

Who
should I
expect today,
Doctor Jekyll
or Mister Hyde?

I wasn't looking for it.

Somehow it found me, when I was busy doing everything and nothing at all.

It had the sparkle of confidence, with just the right amount of shyness, that captured the attention of a room, like an old polaroid photo, slowly and then quickly coming to life.

My nerves, typically electrofied, were calmed by it and peace seeped into every cell of my body.

Laughter danced from it and any melancholy in my soul leaped joyfully away.

It whispered, "forever," like a gentle breeze across a field of heather.

Power from it brightened my life, as fireworks did to the night.

Its echos of encouragement found their way to me, and gave strength to a broken soul, slowly bleeding on the floor.

My dreams became a kaleidascope of colors and patterns, making anything and everything seem possible.

Its breath brought life to a loveless heart, that had been suffocating on loneliness.

As it sparkled, I felt like a treasured jewel, kept safely out of harm's way.

The love that  it showed was an inspiration and made me believe in magic, fairytales, and happily ever after.

Then, as quickly as it came, it was stolen, like a precious moment in time.

HIS SMILE.

His smile, forever etched in my mind.

A reminder that I was worthy of kindness, joy, and love.

A reminder for the days filled with doubt.

A reminder that I deserved safety and comfort, and peace.

*A reminder so I wouldn't forget.

I
  have
a
desire
        for
              every
                         inch
                              of
                                  you.
                           The
            whisper
         of
           your
                  voice                                
                           coursing      
                   thr­ough
            my
       body
            filling
                    every
                             curve
   ­                                  with
                             the
                   sound
              of
                you.
                         The
                    warmth
                                   of
                              your
                                       breath
                                             on
                                          my
                              craving
                           lips,
                 and
                     the
             taste
                  of
             you
                      under
                               the
                               blankets.

Just when she thought

 she had dug  

herself out of despair,

she stared down

at the freshly prepared grave

and noticed the soiled shovel 

in her hand.

"This one's a little out of my comfort zone and a longer read, but I'd love your feedback."


The *building was a bit run down
a few windows had been cracked
but the neon lights still lit the street
and the parking lot was packed

Some people thought the place
was just a little ******
but others knew the drinks were cheap
which made conversation easy

Every eye stared me down
as I walked across the floor
it had been quite some time
since I'd set foot through the door

I passed by all their faces
and kept my head held high
something brought me back to town
and I had to find out why

The room felt unfamiliar
as I pulled up to the bar
I turned my head to look around
and saw his old guitar

This had been our place
where we spent most friday nights
he'd play a set with the guys
then we'd dance under the lights

"Now, what can I get a girl like you?"
the bartender broke my train of thought
I took a deep breath in and said,
"How about a ***** shot?"

The drink went down like water
so I asked for just one more
then my shoulder felt a familiar touch
and he asked what I was here for

That voice had torn my world apart
when he told me we were through
he said he'd changed his mind
and he knew what he had to do

I remembered how he held me
and he told me we would last
how "she" never made him feel like this
and she was in the past

We had talked about our future
dreaming of the day
when we could leave this town behind
and make our get-a-way

There was a great big world out there
that we both would get to see
no one else could understand
why we wanted to be free

This town held people captive
some others chose to stay
but if you were born and raised here
it was hard to see a different way

Now that I look back on things
I think I know where I went wrong
I was the one who wanted out
and he just played along

Deep down he felt at home
in this broken down old town
and all the things we talked about
would have turned his world around

So he made his choice and left
for the comfort of her bed
I begged him to come with me
he didn't hear a word I said

It seems that people talked
as they do in towns like this
and he had been convinced
that this place is what he'd miss

So, I packed up all my things
and made my way out west
I built a life from scratch
and tried to forget about the rest

There's a new man in my life
and he loves me to the core
my future could be with him
but I just needed to be sure

I replied that he's what brought me back
to the town that I came from
I needed to see his face
and maybe hear that guitar strum

I asked him, if I'd changed my mind
and had kept my life right here
would I be happy in his arms
and be the one that he holds near

He looked at me and smiled
and said, "You needed space to grow
I knew this town was just too small
so I had to let you go."

His answer wasn't what I needed
I knew my urge to roam.
still, there were times I questioned
if this should have stayed my home

I looked him in his deep blue eyes
and struggled through my tears.
he knew he was in my heart
even after all these years.

We wished it had been different
he said I'd always be the one
that he loved but pushed away
for it needed to be done

Deep down I knew that he was right
as I took just one more shot
he was happy living here
I most certainly would not

I remembered feeling trapped
and wanting to be free
needing something more
than this town could ever give me

So, I gathered up my purse
and headed out the door
letting go of the past
*for the life I wanted more