Always wished I was taller, thinner,
walked a little taller for you.
Wished I kept quiet, kept my mouth shut,
never answered back now for you.
See I cried so many tears, wasted all my time
while I let you cast a shadow all over my life.
I only wanted to be good enough for you.

All I ever wanted was for you to see me,
Gave you everything I had to give.
Got swept up in a whirlwind, breakdown
Getting too caught up in trying to maintain your standards.
You always used to tell me to shut up,
to act a certain way when we were together...
Maybe I really was going crazy

After everything that we went through,
it's all now ashes on the ground.
I know I've said this is the last time,
many times before,
but this is the last time, I will let you hurt me again.

If I gave you up so easily,
why am I still hurting?
If I knew all along we were a lost cause,
why am I still searching?
If I made a lucky get away from the hell that was you,
then why do I still feel the same!

You were like a tornado,
tearing my world apart from the inside out.
You still haunt my dreams
turning them all to nightmare, all too easily...
So why do you still have me and when you shouldn't?

Your eyes hold me captive
Locked inside your madness,
They never fail to leave me breath taken.

Your eyes hold light which glistens
Sending my head whirling,
They never fail to leave me paralyzed.

Your eyes are like shooting stars
Holding my gaze forever so it seems,
They never fail to leave me wishing more.

Your eyes so mesmerising
Entrancing and so enchanting
They never fail to make my heart skip a beat.

Now I don't know where this has come from
Or why it is I feel the way I do
But...

Your eyes in always in my mind
I think about you all the time,
They never fail to keep you in my head.

Last night I watched the stars
Shine so bright and hold me captive.
Last night I shed a thousand tears
For someone who couldn't care less.
Last night I wanted one simple answer
And you couldn't even give me that.

I asked myself all night
If you're worth all this pain.
I asked myself and begged
For my mind to let you go
But it's an impossible task for me to do.
Why do I care more then I should?

I needed one answer, that's all I asked
You couldn't even give me that.
What's holding you back from the truth?
I needed to know exactly what you thought
And yet I feel you still held so much back...
Please I need to know...

I've done it again
Another mistake
I'm here for you always
Just remember that.
I've done it again
Cried another tear
I need you to be there
You promised me that.

I'm always here
Whenever you need me
I'm a hand to hold
And a shoulder to cry on.
I'm not going anywhere
I'm here till the end
I made that promise
You need me to stay.

I'm scared and I'm worried
I know how you feel
I'd take it all away
I promise I would.
I keep you in my thoughts
I know that you struggle
Step by step, fight by fight
I'm here to share the load...

Nothing more then slamming doors
A family war
I see when I close my eyes.

I hear their voices raising,
The rest are crying
Why won't these memories leave my mind?

I remember it all so clearly,
The nights that they both left.
Three little girls with no farther and their mother how she wept.

I long for the days that I can finally feel safe
But then again, they're all the same.
Tell you they care, but eventually walk away.

All I remember is the screaming voice
The glass how shattered with the slamming of the doors
And then they're gone.

I'm feeling so tired
To the point I can't bare to stand.
I'm feeling so drained
To the point I can't bare to be around.
I'm done with the caring, the trying, the breathing
I'm done with the hatred, the crying, the bruising.
I'm just so sick of it all
I want to give up and throw it all away...
I'm tired of the hurt and
Weak from the pain
I want to be free
And this way I can

I must’ve tried a million times
tried so hard to get you to see I was here all along,
but you had a different plan and broke every promise we made.
I thought I knew you, so trusted your words
But now I know that couldn’t have been further from the truth
So I packed up everything I gave you and left
Now there are no more tears to cry.
I don’t have to try to say goodbye to your memory.

I could have actually cared about you
If you had ever given a **** about me
Now I’m sure I’ll have no trouble finding someone who loves me more than you,
but good luck finding someone who will love you as much as I ever did!
Although this was a good, goodbye and I felt free
You shoved a knife so far in my back
I can no longer trust whoever comes into my life
I’m so **** scared of being played all over again.

I used to fear the thought of darkness
Now it's my only companion.
Bitter tears and pouring blood,
My only forms of comfort.
All along you promised me
That you would never turn your back and leave.
I knew you couldn't keep it
I knew I would be left along.
Now I'm asking one thing...
If I ran away, never to return
Would you even notice?
Would you even care?
Would you hope that we could of worked it out somehow?

You mean so much to me
I can't bare to lose you to this thing...
When you are not here
I don't know how much I can take.

Without you I feel broke,
Without you I've got no hand to hold,
Without you I feel torn,
Without you I'm nothing more then a shadow,
Without you I have no reason to stay.

When with you I leave everything behind
You make me feel like I have a purpose.
Please just stop time right here
I don't want to lose you to this world...

Without you I feel empty,
Without you I have no melody to sing,
Without you I feel nothing,
Without you I'm like a sail torn in a storm,
Without you I have no meaning to live.

When I'm with you I can be myself
You make it easier to breathe
Please don't get lost out of sight
You are the reason I hang on...

You mean so much to me
I can't bare to lose you to this thing...
When you are not here
I don't know how much I can take

I’ll just paint a smile on my face, I’ll keep myself busy
I’ll play make believe that I’m okay,
I’m breaking under the weight, of being not okay!
I feel myself fading away.

I feel like I’ve been gone for a long time now,
My body is present, but I seem to be lost inside.
I used to love feeling everything I ever could.
But now I feel like I’m fading away.

It hurts me to say that I am not okay.
Letting everyone down hurts me more than they know.
It’s been tearing me apart,
The fact that I will never be all that they want me to be.

I know that I can’t keep living this way,
I know what will come if I do not make a change.
I’m buried under the weight of all the shame I’ve brought upon myself
And I know there’s no one to blame but me.

I fear I’ve faded away.

I'm lost inside a labyrinth,
With its ever changing paths.
One minute you're near escaping,
The next it's altered all again.
A never ending nightmare
Thinking it knows what's best for you,
But it's lies are imbedded deep within
And there's nothing more that you can do.

My mind is like a tornado,
Destroying everything in its path.
One day I'm simply surviving
The next, I wish I was dying.
I'm terrified of my mind
For I fear it can make me do.
Self-destructive, hypocrite of pain and love
Beckoning me to hurt once more because that's all I deserve.

Maybe if I tried to forget you.
Wipe away all our memories,
Then I could close my eyes and get some sleep at night
Breathe and feel okay when you don’t call.
Some nights I look up at the stars
Just so I can feel like I’m next to you.
Each night, it gets harder being here without you
So I shut my eyes and let the tears role down…

Please don’t tell me you’re letting me go!
Please don’t tell me you’re going to be moving on!
Just turn around and walk the other way
Because I can stand another heartbreak.
I can’t stand to see you turn away.

Maybe if I stopped depending on you,
Hide the fact this is hurting me
So you can never see through my tears
Because I’m longing to feel your arms again.
Some nights I wish upon a star
Just so I can be where you are.
Each night, how I pray just to hear from you
So I try to close my heart from these feelings I have of me and you.

Please don’t tell me there’s nothing left here for us!
Please don’t tell me there’s no time left at all!
If it’s the end please turn away
Because I don’t want to hear you say it.
I can’t stand to see this fall apart.

Counting the stars in the night sky,
I'm wondering where I went wrong?
A little girl who grew up
To be nothing like she planned.
A broken hearted girl
With no hope of feeling okay.

I've been sitting here talking to myself once again,
Staring at the moon
Wishing I could be up there too.
There's nothing down here for me
As I know I can never do right by them,
I wish there was a way to start again.

How I wish that little girl could see
A light there at the end
But her world crashed when they taught her that
No one would ever care
About the failure she was
And how worthless her presence was to them.

Maybe one day while I'm looking at the stars
Or even just talking to the moon
I can find a better place to be.
Maybe one day I will find
Someone who can show me that this big old world
Isn't as bad as it has been made out to be.

Friends, yeah I have them
But I don't know if they know
The battle that I'm facing
On my own.
This battle is so tiring
I'm slowly letting go
This one last time I tell you now
I always feel so alone...
I'm all alone,
I feel so cold and alone.
I'm lost in this world,
So dark, just on my own
I'm so alone
Even thought everyone is around me,
I'm all alone,
So very alone!!

Lost...

All I ever seem to be is lost,
lost inside my own head.
Overcrowded bundle's of yes and no's
what's and whys,
To and Throws

Lost inside myself.
trapped in a labyrinth that is my own thoughts
unable to escape
the more I turn
the further there is to go.

Will I ever find my way out of this black hole?
Swallowing me, holding me hostage in the night
chained to the very thought that I am abandoned,
lost to the darkness, forever unknowing.
Tormented and bruised from the pain of the past.

If you could erase the past, would you?
It’s a question I find myself asking all the time.
I know they say it makes you who you are today,
but I don’t want to be the way it’s made me;
so untrusting, so scared I’ll always get hurt,
running away from all the people who say they’re there.
So, if you could erase the past, would you?
Or would you rather remember the hurt of it all?

If you could stop time for a little just to breathe,
would you want to take that minute or keep going?
There are times when it all feels like it’s too much,
but I know if I stopped I wouldn’t keep going;
knowing that there’s still so much I don’t know.
This world is making my mind spin way too often.
So if you could stop time for a minute just to breathe,
would you want to take that minute or just keep going?

I feel so alone,
No-one blowing up my phone
Asking if I am okay.
No ones heard from me in days
Too busy in my own head anyway.
Not like anyone is calling
To see if I'm still around.

I'm so tired of always being
The first one to ask to if they're okay.
I'm so tired of being
The one that everyone can talk too.
I wish I no longer cared,
And I wish I had someone to do the same for me.

Right now I am all alone,
Wishing I had someone to call home.
Wishing I had someone I could call
When I'm feeling this way.
I feel so lost and confused,
Wondering where I went so wrong.
What must I have done
To have noone here at all...?

I can feel the darkness, beckoning me to jump,
Allowing it to envelop me in its cold winged, empty abyss.
A hollow, rigid weight pressing down upon my chest,
getting heavier and heavier, pushing me deeper to despair
until it crushes my lungs, allowing for no air to be gained.

I can feel the terror enticing me to play a game of Russian roulette.
Any minute now may be my last.
An empty coffin, surrounded by mourning faces of those that once turned their backs,
pleading that I had just spoken, but when I did they ran away,
telling me that the burden I have always carried, was mine to bare alone.

I can hear the last beckoning words of my once happy dreams,
'just hold on, it won't be this dark forever';
but then I remember that it is not the dark that I am afraid of, and maybe that is the problem.
I am afraid of the emptiness that unfurls before me,
leaving me alone to battel these faceless monsters that are too powerful to ever be beaten.

I can feel the cold, darkness enticing me to lie down and give in,
enveloping me in my last shred of sanity
before the darkness takes me up in it's hollowed out pity,
laughing in my face about the weak, feeble character I have become.
Broken and bruised by a world that could not see the damage it had caused a child;
offering only cold shoulders of the night to lay my head upon.

My screams echo off stone cold walls,
the only voices that speak to me.
Trapped inside the darkness that now ensues
where the sun always used to shine through.
Days and nights getting longer
as I desperately grasp onto the crumbling walls of myself,
clawing my way out, always falling hitting the ground.
Alone and afraid of the abilities of my mind
to make oneself feel so alone and worthless.
The thoughts are back...

The ones that tear you apart!

The ones that make you wish you were never born!

The ones that promise to uproot your life!

Or promise to end it, whichever comes first.

Yes! They are back with vengeance since the day I tried to walk away and set myself free.

Now, I am terrified of the repercussion.
The repercussions of believing in myself for so long!

I want to scream,
Like no one's listening
But I need your hand to hold,
So why is it I choke?
When you ask me what is wrong
The words seem to escape me
And instead I sit with tears in my eyes.

I trust you with every fibre of my being
So why is it,
I'm so **** scared you'll leave my side?
When you ask me what is wrong
I don't want you to only see the broken
So I hide it all inside
But you stay and help it feel okay.

The soft sound of your beating heart
can soften even the biggest storms inside me.
The gentle sound of your voice
lulls me into a sense of hope and wonder
that maybe this world isn't always so bad.

The warm embrace of a friends arms
bringing back to a sense of reality
where I am not lost to the monsters inside my head,
but am someone much stronger,
able to defend the broken parts.

The serenity of peaceful silence,
where you are just there and nothing more
compliments my sullen tears,
building up a strength I never knew I had
Until I will no-longer fall prey to the demons of the past.

Someone asked if I was okay,
but all I could muster was 'I'm fine'.
But the way they looked into my eyes
I know they could see that 'I'm fine' was all lies.

I quickly turned away, for them not to see my tears
and tried my best to place a smile across my weary face.
I tried with all my might to muster 'I'll get through this,
maybe not tonight, it's just taking me a little while'.

I know they saw that I was hurting,
and I knew the pain was becoming too much to take.
But this burden is mine to keep,
it is mine to bare alone.

They reached out to hold me closer,
as they placed their hand on mine.
They said they were there to help me in anyway they can,
but I have heard those lines to many times before.

Too many nights I have lay here crying,
the tears pour down
and I can't tell if they're lying.
I feel an emptiness deep inside
knowing I should be doing alright.

There are days where I paint on a smile,
make it through the day
by laughing a little louder,
I know if I ever dare stop for a while
I will feel it in full force and I'll breakdown.

Too much noise filling my head all the time,
I try to scream
but it's buried deep inside.
I fear if I don't speak up soon
I'll be lost to the war no-one else can see.

You are the love that came
when I didn't expect it;
came without a warning.
I didn't get the chance to think it through.
I just woke up one morning and texted you,
When you replied it made me smile,
That is when I knew, I lost my heart to you.

From time-zone different coffee dates,
To late night-early morning calls.
From staying on the phone while we slept,
To movies and songs always shared.
You would tell me you wanted to be with me,
That you had feelings but weren't quite ready yet.
To suddenly changing your mind.
From inviting me for new years eve - to not remembering and freaking out...
You changed your mind about me so fast with new friends and a new job...

You say you didn't string me along.
So what exactly did you do?
Tell me you wanted to be with me
To barely taking the time to talk and always waiting for a better option to come along, that's why we can no longer make plans...

I know I may never be the first
Or maybe not the last
But I have feelings like all the rest
Not someone you can tear apart.
For I'm fed up of being used,
Only wanted when it's right for you
Abandoned plans lay scatterd on the floor.
Why am I never enough
For someone to stick to what they say?
Am I that easy to ignore?
Neglect?
Forget?
Or for you to just simply walk away.
It seems so easy for you
To ignore that I exist
I guess thats what you get
When you're nothing and never were....
Is it really so easy for you to pretend
That I was never really here
You know the right things to say
To keep me near
But only when it best suits you.
You couldn't give a ****
That you're the company I have
For you have everyone else around
And I could never mean anything to you!

I try to stay calm
But my voice it trembles like ripples in the water.

I try to hold on
But I'm losing my grip on the one thing that matters.

I try to breath deep
But all these thoughts in my head are suffocating me now.

I try to close my eyes and rest for a while
But this pain in my chest, as if you're tearing my heart out.

Oh but I know you don't care,
You don't see how much this is hurting me.
You just care about yourself,
Go play your stupid video games,
Go get ****** with all your friends...
But you know, I will always be here waiting
But for how much longer can I take this..?

It was us against the world some dark nights,
but you were hiding messed up secrets!
You took my breathe away, stole my light;
Made me feel like I was crazy for the longest while.
They say I got out just in time,
But honestly I'm not sure if they were right
because the scars have been embedded way too deep,
Now I don't know if there's much left of me...

If I dodged a bullet
then why am I still hurting?
I know things were a lost cause
so why am I searching for excuses?
If I made a getaway, from all your lies and your abuses
Why do I still feel the pain?
You still haunt me and you shouldn't
If i really dodged your bullet...

Do you use me
When you only message me when you want something?

Do you use me
When you rant about your day but neglect to ask me mine?

Do you use me
When you get what you want and leave as quick as the seasons change?

Do you use me
When I only hear from you when it's convenient to you?

Do you use me
When you're always to busy to listen but quick to jump to others?

Do you use me
When I no longer feel like I mean anything, but you keep coming back as you please?

Sitting on the shower floor
feeling the water hit me,
pooling around my feet
like the tears from the night before.

Watching the droplets race to the bottom
knowing I hit there once again.
Drowning myself in a cocktail
of alcohol and pills to numb the pain.

Pain turning to nothingness
as I close my eyes to the night,
praying for the darkness to win this time
and subdue me into a never ending sleep.

I once thought that I would need you
and that no matter what I would do
You'd be here, even if it was just in my dreams.
But now you're gone and I still wonder why,
I was never enough for you to stay true?
It hurts far too much,
I wonder what was so wrong with me?

I wish all of you the best
wondering what it was that i did
to watch so many people walk out of my life
It caused more pain than you can imagine.
Now that they're gone, honestly
It's killing me more than you could ever believe
its plaguing my mind, I wonder why all the time?

Looking back on my life so far,
I see that I will never be good enough
I've watched too many people leave
ever the ones who I thought were supposed to stay!
I always wondered what was wrong with me
Until I saw it was the voice I had
Now I sit quietly, hoping I won't lose someone again!

Can I pretend that I'm worth something just this once?
Can I pretend to forget all the pain today?

Right now my body feels out of sorts.
Unable to string together a few words
Of eloquent pros, and sophisticated rhymes
Expressing that deep down inside
I feel...
Broken?

My brain seems to be firing on overdrive
But I can't make my feet move.
Staying in one place because
I must fix you and I must make sure everyone else is okay first,
Then I can move on to me.

So for now I have myself on the back burner.
I have placed my dreams and plans in a box
And given them up until my family is all okay.

I will take their insults and snide remarks
Because they are struggling, right?
I will take the never being or doing enough
When I have given up my plans to stay and support them
No matter what I do they don't see it...

So for now my body feels out of sorts.
Surpressing emotions and thoughts I thought were long gone,
Unable to express myself through words once again.
Feeling lost to the words of never doing or being enough...

Why can I not accept the hand
that you hold out so readily
when I am descending into a black void,
taking with it my incentive to go on?

Why is it I will fight with you,
push you away, and make you feel
as if I no longer want you to stand by my side
when truthfully I want nothing more than for you to stay?

Why, when I am all alone
and I'm longing to reach out
I stop, dead in my tracks to scared
for the rejection I have received too many times?

Why is it that I can lend myself to you
in your times of need so willingly,
knowing the benefits of having someone there,
but I cannot accept this help myself?

Is there something wrong with me,
or is the painful, blackness
just too enticing to some people...
some people like me?

Inner voices of conflict;
should I stay or should I go.
Wondering if one step is all it takes
or if things are worth pushing through.
When tears spill in silent, desolate corners
like the rain falling over the sea.
If no-ones there, then no-one sees
and you can pretend its all a dream.

Scared up arms and broken hearts
wondering what is left to hang on to.
Blood that falls, stain your hands
leading you to believe that it can be all over;
no-one has to know just how you are hurting.
You can slowly slip away like a shadow on the wall
The lights go out and so you disappear,
lost to a world of why and how did this happen.

Like a bird who has forgotten how to sing.
I too have forgotten my own melody.
Entrapped in a cage,
Imprisoned by my own insanity
Of starving, bleeding, crippling thoughts.

Numb to any touch.
Possesed by the cold like a corpse.
The epitome of nothingness,
Laying baron to this monstrous world
Realising you have no one to stay!

Like all the lost things
I too am lost, unable to be found.
Deserted by everyone
Left to fend off the demons alone once again
Not knowing if I will make it out of this one alive...

Staring at the ceiling again tonight
wondering why I feel so alone.
Another night of tears to endure;
I just can't seem to put my mind to sleep.
Feeling like I'm always in the way
so I keep distancing myself from you.
Trying not to show just how scared I am
that you'll disappear when you see how bad i can be.

Feeling tears well up in my eyes today,
burying them deep so nobody sees.
Worried that this is all pretend
So I'll slowly pull away until I'm no longer there.
Trying my hardest not to let you in
keeping all those thoughts locked away inside.
I've been hurt and used a few too many times.
I don't think I could handle another pain like that.

Dear me,
This is a letter I never thought I'd write.
Things have changed not for the best
and you don't know where to turn.
I know it's hard and you're struggling to hold on,
with a blade in one hand and drink to numb the pain,
but there is a light at the end,
just hold on till then.

Dear me,
I know you cannot see the light,
and if it helps, cry yourself to sleep another night.
But don't give up just yet,
there must be something worth the fight,.
Don't give up just yet,
you're worth so much more then you'll ever know.
Just hold on a little more.

Dear me,
I know things are getting worse, or so it seems.
It's as if you can't find a light in these dark times.
I know you're scared, and feel like no-one can hear you screaming
but you're not alone, no matter what it says.
Dear me,
Things will start looking up one day,
It may not be very soon, but one day just wait and see
Promise me, that you will hang on till then.

Dear me,
This is something I never thought I'd have to write.
But tonight, I know it's one of the hardest you've had to face.
You may feel alone,
Just don't know where you have to turn
So scared to burden people who already have so much on.
Tonight will be hard, just make it through tonight!

Now all of the stars
Are fading away
As I watch the last ones burn out of existence
I feel myself falling to the same darkness.
Closed off from feelings of hope,
Now things have all become too unbearable for one person alone
I surrender to the dark abyss of my insanity.
Now all of the stars are fading away,
I will take my place amongst
The burnt out forgotten.

Carry me away on your
Silent moon beams
That grace the night skies
With gentle visions of peace.

Help me to drift away on
Nights so silent
Filled with dreams to come
And tears of things gone astray.

Wrap me up within the
Night skies somber embrace.
A lullaby of thoughts
Waiting to be dreamt or felt my the few

Right now I could usr your company,
Just to hear you tell me it'll be okay.
You're the only one who understood
The desperate want to give up the fight,
For the night just seems so cold right now.
How I miss you already and your warm embrace,
The one that always made me feel safe.
Like there was someone who cared if I made it out alive.
Right now I could use your company,
Just to hear you say it'll be okay tonight?

Today I am sad.
Its the kind of sad when you don't know why
But you know it must be felt wholeheartedly.
The kind of sad where you don't realise
Until your face feels wet and you realise you've been crying.
The kind of sad that hits you from nowhere,
Where you find yourself lying in a dark room
Because it demands for you to acknowledge its existence.
The kind of sad where you know tomorrow you'll be fine
And be able to face the world again.
Today I am sad and will willingly let it consume me
Just for tonight in my lonely dark room.
But when I open my eyes tomorrow I will say goodbye to the sadness
And let it all go roaming free with the wind.

Some days it feels like I've lost all inspiration,
A prisoner within my own body and mind,
I sleep through the day and cry through the night,
Just caught in a downward fall...
Its taking too much effort to fight,
I just don't have the strength,
trying to hold on to whats still left of me.

When the life you had planned
slowly slips through your hands
when it feels like those plans you made are the only reason to stay.
When you can't find your way,
when each day is the same
when you've lost the fight inside of you
is there anything worth holding onto?

Its hard to stay strong, when weakness is overbearing.
I'm wondering if someone is there;
I'm not always good on my own,
I need someone I can rely on when things are rough.
There are dreams I've let die
that I've neglected to even try
I need to find out how to turn this darkness into light

When you feel so far from who you were
when you've lost all signs of hope
when you're searching for some peace but it feels too far away.
When your words have disappeared
and it feels there's nothing left inside of you,
is there anything worth holding onto?

I know life's supposed to be hard sometimes,
So why is it the pain won't subside?
I can't escape the ghosts of my past
When they all still linger round,
Trying to get better and fix myself
But I'm caught in a riptide,
A whirlpool of insanity.
Letting the tears spill tonight
I've kept locked away for some time...
Tonight I'm feeling defeated,
Going to let myself feel all the pain...
Try again when the morning comes.

In a lifetime, a thousand things can go left unsaid;
a touch is never felt when it needs to be felt,
a heart is never loved when it desperately longs to.
We walk around with unspoken feelings
weighing down upon our shoulders,
leading to desperate moments of regret,
promising that some day we will speak words of truth
but that someday never coming -
sometimes taken from us too soon.
In a lifetime, a thousand things can go unsaid or acted on.
Why cant we see
that while we have the chance in life,
we should speak when we can speak,
love when we can love,
and most importantly, touch when we can touch.

We go through our lifetime with a thousand words left unsaid,
but what if we chose to speak the truth of thoughts and feelings?

Alcoholic laced tears.
Smeared mascara paintings on pillowcases.
A symphony of crying souls.
Cuts of feelings otherwise numb too.

I lie here in my bed,
afraid of what I may do next
as I know that I am losing my fight
with a demon too much to bare
wanting a free ride into this thing called life.

My alcoholic laced tears
intoxicating my very being,
pushing me towards an inevitable end
but this time I will not stop them from falling,
I will not stop the blade that scars my skin,
I will lie here and let death take me
I will no longer be a burden to your existence.