I will not tell you that I am weak
or that my tears threaten to spill
because I do not want you to know me like that.
I do not want you to look at me with eyes full of pity
for I am not as fragile and as broken as you think!

I will not tell you that I fear life
or that at night I feel a sullen emptiness inside
because I am afraid that if I do, the darkness will take over.
I do not want to let these demons win,
so I will pretend that all is okay and that I can not sense them.

Looking into my own eyes
knowing they don't hold the stars
emotionless, expressionless pits of darkness.
Unable to speak my own mind,
unable to speak my emotions
hoping my eyes could do the talking
but they have become as expressionless as their host.

Reaching down into the depths of my heart,
slowly turning as cold as ice
as the ability to speak my mind has slowly been erased.
Drowning in myself, from tears held inside
Drowning in the depths of my own turmoil
hoping someone could see the pain inside
but knowing no-one cares to look deep enough.

My inability to express my thoughts
holds me captive in a circle of never-ending heartache,
broken promises and disappearing friends.
A subject of disappointment in everyone's eyes
A subject of a worthless, failure of a girl.
Now there's nothing more to give of myself,
given all I can 'till it drained me completely.

Help Me!

A silent scream that cannot escape my lips,
hinted through the smallest of gestures
hoping someone will see the damage I have done to myself!
Tear stained cheeks and bloodied bitten lips,
broken nails and ripped up skin
a reality of my mental health,
a disheveled mess I know should be fixed.

Help me!

A plea for help getting quieter
knowing no-one cares to hear an empty shell,
a wilted flower, slowly fading out of existence.
Wanting so desperately for someone to see me,
waiting for the day I feel edging closer.
Hanging by a thread because it's all too much.
When I say things are okay, see the pleading for someone to stay.

Help!

I fear I maybe too far gone.
The begs for life are nothing more then a lump in my throat.
All that lays near is a broken and beaten down shadow,
an empty, hollow nothingness invisible to the eye.
No longer feeling like I deserve a place here.
Pushing everything and everyone away, no-longer caring.
It's okay if you go, I won't be here by tomorrow.

I keep fighting voices in my head that say I'm not enough,
Am I the sum of all my failures, every time I never felt enough?
Sitting all alone, once again with tears down my cheeks,
I know I'm losing this fight, it is so plain to see.
If you do not hear from me again it will be too soon.
I'm sorry but by morning light, I won't be here to worry you much more!

Dear my cursed mind,
How I wish you would not torment so
When the darkness comes crawling
Unfurling its captivating shadows
Across the lonely, forgotten skies.

Dear my cursed mind,
May you please no longer hold me in your paralysing grip?
Let me go and succum to this state of fear.
Knowing that my thoughts and feelings are lost to a whirlpool of hypocrisy
Tormenting my very soul until it bleeds and screams out.

Dear my cursed mind,
May you please let me rest?
For you see I am so very weak and tired from fighting yoy
This never ending, passionate torment of heartbreak
Wreaks havoc across my days and nights.

Dear my cursed mind,
Please let me rest, even if it is just for a little while.
I have grown so weak
No longer able to stand your mockery!
I have destroyed everything you have asked me to,
Now I fear my own sanity is at steak.

Someone asked if I was okay
but all I could muster was 'I'm fine'.
The way they looked into my eyes
I knew they could see that 'I'm fine' was all lies.

I quickly turned away, for them not to see my tears
and tried my best to place a smile across my weary face.
I tried with all my might to whisper: 'I'll get through this,
I've made it this far. Maybe not tonight, it's just taking me a little while...'

I know they saw that I was hurting
and I knew that the pain was becoming too much to take;
but this burden is mine to keep,
it is mine to bare alone.

They reached out to hold me closer,
as they placed their hand on mine.
They said they would stay, and help if they can
but i have heard those lines spoken too many times before.

They always say you'll be okay,
give it time these things do pass
but with every new downfall
the darkness gets colder
and I can no longer escape its death defying grip.

It has been a while since I have taken this dip,
lost all myself control to the anger burning within.
I'm begging for someone to notice
that I am losing my grip on reality
Wanting to just slip away for good.

For right now, I'm done fighting these noises
I'll just let the shadows take a hold of me.
If they tear me to pieces
destroy all I've made.
Then at least I can fade invisible.

All I have is the ticking clock
and four plain white walls for company.
My eyes they beg for you to look within
and see the end I fear is in sight.
Please do not make me beg for you
as I stand here; body trembling, lost words,
and eyes that are gone from this world.

Instead I am greeted by long, cold silences
and distance all too sudden.
A shift in how you present yourself to me,
knowing I must have asked for too much of your time.
Now knowing that I must face these monsters
ALONE! Again!
Please do not make me beg for you to see I need someone tonight!

Listen,
To the silence of thousands
Screaming and singing a song of freedom.

Listen,
To the millions of hearts breaking
As their world is ripped apart, turned upside down.

Listen,
As someone begs for you to take their hand
And lead them away from this nightmare.

Listen,
Because the silence speaks volumes
If you care to listen close enough!

Listen,
To the voices of thousands who cannot speak up
But need someone now more than ever!

Listen,
Because maybe that is what can save a life.
Maybe that is what could have saved mine!

Staring at myself in the mirror,
counting every tear that falls,
watching all the hurt play out
across my face, once again, when I'm all alone.

Lying through gritted teeth and fake smiles
that everything is fine and I'm okay -
Knowing that I spend nights begging and pleading with myself
just to keep fighting and holding on a little longer.

Wondering what I must do to stay,
feeling like I no longer have control.
Dragging myself to the edge of the pier...
Pushing and pulling, wanting to jump but not!

Another sleepless night of pain and misery
Laced with alcoholic tears;
Choking on silent sobs that threaten to spill
Only to be greeted by nothingness.
How did I end up in such a desolate state?
Only wanting to jump down the impending rabbit hole,
Lying to everyone around me
Intending to do as little harm to others,
Choosing to inflict it all upon myself

Longing for the darkness to consume me and this loneliness.
Always feeling defeated by thoughts of never being enough.
Chasing after broken promises and empty words,
Eventually giving up a fight I lost a long time ago,
Doubting anyone cares enough to stay!

Tell me, where did everybody go?
Eventually people no-longer care what you do to yourself
Avoiding the words of 'I need help'
Remembering the pain they caused so many before
Sometimes, one swift moment is all it takes.

And just like that I hurt another person...
Just like that I sabotaged a friendship beyond repair...
Just like that I destroyed myself all over again...
And just like that I let all the ******* who hurt me win all over again!

Lonely, darkened thoughts of what once was,
happy childhood memories of frolicking in autumn leaves,
dancing round in the summer sun rays
knowing nothing more than childhood innocence.
But how fast the seasons can change!

Nights of tears and wondering why.
Why was I the one you decided was not good enough?
Why was I the one you believed would amount to nothing?
Now in my head, a plague of demeaning phrases
Mimicking your voice of 'little girl, sit down and be silent'!

Echoes! Echoing torments of my life flash before me
as soon as another tries to help me see different,
But maybe I do not wish to be fixed,
Maybe the broken, empty, pain is what makes me, me.
But right now, all I see is an emptiness... beckoning me to an end!

Overpowering waves of guilt,
Trying hard to ignore the fright
Longing to forget the past
And move on from what holds me back.

Tell me I am enough!
That is all I long to hear from the image staring back at me.

Tell me that I can make it,
but my reflection mouths otherwise.

All I hear are the words that are not my own;
spoken from the cruel mouths of others,
being etched into my skin
as an everlasting reminder that abandonment is all I will know.

A worthless, broken, failure of a girl
is all I am destined to see...

Always wished I was taller, thinner,
walked a little taller for you.
Wished I kept quiet, kept my mouth shut,
never answered back now for you.
See I cried so many tears, wasted all my time
while I let you cast a shadow all over my life.
I only wanted to be good enough for you.

If I was enough for you
would you have still cheated and never called back?
would you have told me I was acting crazy when you disappeared for days?
If I was enough for you,
would I of had to starve to shrink to the size you wanted?
would I of had to show you all my cards?

All I ever wanted was for you to see me,
Gave you everything I had to give.
Got swept up in a whirlwind, breakdown
Getting too caught up in trying to maintain your standards.
You always used to tell me to shut up,
to act a certain way when we were together...
Maybe I really was going crazy

Tear this broken heart right from my chest,
grind it down into something worthless just like it's host.

This heart can no longer take the pain of a cold world
out to destroy the most beautiful of innocent things.

Rip all these feelings right out from my cold dead body,
as I no longer wish to feel a single thing.

So sick of being told how to be;
laugh and smile until they all believe
that everything is perfect
even if it's just for show.
You can't let anyone see the pain that's there.

For whats planted in my mind is
a family with their backs against the bedroom door,
the sounds of threats and screaming
Bouncing and echoing off the walls.
The first day I truly understood
that everything is not always good.
But you wear a smile and pretend it's all okay!

My memory is plagued with so much dark,
the voices of pleading children for it all to stop,
to be loved by a man who could never.
And the emptiness of promises
followed by spewing words of hatred
lead the violence to be seen as something deserved.
But you do your best to act normal and pretend it's all okay!

I thought with growing up, things would get easier,
but I guess things never will.
People like to try and take advantage
even if it destroys you inside.
When I close my eyes I feel it happening,
Their hands overpowering, taking away all my control.
But of course it must have been something I did, so just smile and get on with your life!

Maybe this is why i struggle to trust,
I'm so scared to be hurt and let down.
So before you get too close, I'll try and run.
I feel like this is all I can do to protect me from the violence,
or maybe this is all I am worth?!

Please do not look at me with those same pitying eyes
that you would look upon a wilted flower in the dead of winter.
When you see the tears in my eyes as I smile
and tell you through lies that I am fine and will be okay,
please know that most days I am afraid
and behind closed doors I am hurting
more than you can ever know;
emotionally and physically.

Please do not think I always want to put you down
with my sad little life and my depressing thoughts.
Sometimes I just need a presence because
I am so used to spending my days alone with my head.
Please understand that I know things can all become too much
but that is when I need someone the most.
Now most days I feel like nothing but a burden
and that people only stay for the good days and run when they are bad...

Am I that bad of a person, that I do not deserve someone who stays?
Am I not worth so much as a, I see through your lies, I'll stay for a while?
Am I this worthless, failure that I think and feel all the time?
Am I really not worth anything to anyone at all?

Hiding behind fake facades
of forced smiles and laughter.
Lying through gritted teeth
that I have not lay harm to myself once more,
whilst the sting from my skin is only just bearable.

Being alone is the scariest time
as I feel like there is no where to go
but down a swirling rabbit hole of never being enough.
I try and catch myself before its too late
but I have yet taken to hurting myself once more.

Shaking uncontrollably,
trying not to crack
and cry the tears that threaten to spill.
If only the words for help would fall so easily,
maybe I would no longer suffer in desolate silence.

If I've ever put you through hell
And you feel like I've only called
When I've needed help...
Or lied to your face,
Shutting you out to protect you from myself
Then there's nothing left for me to say
But thank you for putting up with me.

Now I have trouble finding my way,
Believing that I'm all my mistakes
And the words that they spoke are coming true.
I lie in dark, lonely rooms
Unable to speak a word of how much I'm hurting.
I know all I'm doing is letting you all down
But I'm too tired to keep fighting myself!

Is it okay if I tell you I'm scared
when the weight crushes my chest
and I feel like I can't breather?

Is it okay if I say need you here
just for a little while till my head stops
and no longer feel like I have to hurt to feel?

Is it okay if I ask you to look a little closer?
Because sometimes the depression takes a hold
and the words I long to say get held captive inside my chest.

Is it okay if I slip away this time instead
because I'm unbelievably tired
and can no longer keep fighting an isolating battle against myself

Who are these so called friends
Who are there when times are tough?
All I'm ever faced with is silence.
When I reach out and tell you I'm not okay,
Then faced with a night that is filled with loneliness
As tears stream down my face
And blood down my arm.
Yet you wonder why I don't speak the truth;
Because when I do,
Its greeted with nothing but silence and abandonment.

Take me...

Take me far away
Above the clouds
Where I no longer have to feel this sorrow.

Take me...

Take me where
The grass is green
And I no longer have to play theying game.

Take me...

Take me away
From this wretched would
Where I will no longer be subjected to the never ending nightmares.

Take me...

Take me far away
From this never ending torment
Where I no longer have to live a life I have no wish to live.

Standing face-to-face,
Trying to understand
Why I have a tendency to break things down?
Turn away from you,
Unable to say a word
But I can already feel it now,
I'm pushing you too far away.

I won't let you stay,
Don't want to hurt you more
Then I already know I do, it's something i always do.
Nothing that I can do
Could ever live up to what you deserve.
So I don't think we can stay friends,
I hope you understand

One more step and I'm breaking.
One more and I hurt myself again.
The door is closing
And I just can't change it

Nothing more to say,
Nothing left to break.
Nothing more to give,
Nothing left to take.
I keep reaching out for you
But I can't tell you what it is.
I keep reaching out for you
Just wishing someone would stay
As I push you away!

How long do you have to keep holding on,
When you're so tired of fighting?
Scared of your own mind;
All the thoughts that remain of what's been and gone,
Now left forever haunting future moments.

Now all of the stars are fading away
And I can't take this much more,
Forever feeling lost and alone,
Unable to speak, rendered helpless by past neglect.
How am I supposed to keep going when there's no hope left?

How long are you supposed to keep going
When there is nothing left to hold onto anymore?
Im running out of tears to cry,
Just feeling numb to the world around and too tired to fight.
Now I'm watching all of the stars fade away...

Why am I so scared of your opinion?

I act as if I need no one around,
But secretly long for someone to see me.
The real me that I keep hidden away.
The real me that is so ashamed of who they are
That they lock the doors and cry silent tears,
But smile and laugh when you are around!

Why am I so afraid of my past escaping?

I pretend that I have it all together
When I'm terrified to be left alone,
For that is when the devil dressed in human disguises
Uproots the faith you once had in the world as a child.
For now I struggle to leave my bed, my house
Without a wave, or a shade of fear and dread.

Why am I terrified of this world I live in?

I'm terrified of the overwhelming, deprecating nature of humans
And their persistent need to hurt and destroy.
I feel as though, as I've grown, my body is no longer my own!
An overwhelming thought of this life never truly being my own.
When a man or woman can do so as they please to tare you apart,
Leads to hope of avoiding living a life I have no wish to live.

For you see...
Living a life of fear
Is to be barely living at all.
So what's the point in going on?

I wish someone could read my face sometimes,
see through the lies that say 'I'm fine'.
When all is said and done
we walk away and the door is shut;
that's when the tears start to come.
What people don't understand
is that my mind is like a barricade:
the panic is worse when I admit I'm not okay
so keep my mouth shut,
scared of a repeat from the past...
As the days go passing by
and all I seem to have done is cry,
behind closed doors i'm scared of myself,
knowing I'm too much
and never going to be good enough