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MeanAileen Apr 2017
I'm slipping, tripping-
forgotten how to stand.
Choking, drowning,
sinking like quicksand.

I'm aching, breaking-
feel my heart shatter.
Abusing, wasting,
this life, doesn't matter.

I'm failing, trailing-
always two steps behind.
Lying, cheating,
truth is vexing to find.

I'm choosing, losing-
decisions are always bad.
Longing, yearning,
for clarity I never had.

I'm falling, calling-
can no one hear me cry?
Dissolving, fading,
in the blink of an eye.

I'm waiting, anticipating-
the bottom can't be far.
Hoping, wishing,
on a lonely nights star.

I'm blending, pretending-
smiles mask the pain.
Begging, pleading,
for a day without rain.
Just a poem...
MeanAileen Jan 2019
alone again
just wishing you were here...
to feel your strong arms
holding me near.
missing the warmth
of your eyes, so deep,
i close my own
and drift to sleep....

awakened by a whispered
word in the wind,
a soft breeze tickling
my naked skin.
like fingers it brushes
through my hair,
then a shadow floats faintly
across the cold air.

could that whisper
be one from your lips?
or that tickle come
from your fingertips?
was it your hand
that caressed, lovingly?
is that shadow you,
in the dark, i can't see?

so i call out to you....
my love, are you there?!
but my desperate hands feel
nothing but air.
so i lay back down
and i shed tear,
alone again
just wishing you were here...
Another really old one I came across
MeanAileen Jul 2017
I'm not even sure who I am anymore...
I've become but a shell of myself, before.

And my eyes, once happy, look hollow and cold,
with a empty sadness that can't be consoled.

As loneliness grows, festering inside-
the hurt becomes much harder to hide.
 
Darkness has taken control of my heart...
quietly and completely, I'm falling apart.
 
Gathering shards of my broken soul,
I quickly forget what it is to be whole.
 
Life has lost meaning, but I no longer care.
I'm numb...I'm nothing- just dust in the air.
 
Yet envy eats at me, day and night
for those who exist without this fight.

Impassive I let all hope fade away,
knowing tomorrow will be just like today.
 
I am oh so weary from living as I do-
dear lord, let this end, I beg of you...
No matter how I tweak it, this poem never feels finished to me...
MeanAileen Sep 2019
load your gun
with a nice shiny bullet-
finger on the trigger,
be ready to pull it.
make sure the barrel
is aimed at my head,
then force me to eat
that hot molten lead.
paint my brains
all over the wall,
see my knees buckle-
watch as I fall.
my lifeless body
then covered in red...
told you that I'd be
better off dead!
I don't really know where this came from...? But I don't condone ******. Usually.
MeanAileen Sep 2020
I wonder, my dear, if you realize
how you so carelessly hypnotize
making me drift into endless skies
which you so selfishly
keep trapped in those eyes...
I've never seen blues quite like his
MeanAileen Mar 2017
A broken face
yet the hate 
remains. 
Countless reflections-
self inflections
of pain.
Razor sharp
jagged shards-
my soul...
shattered apart
reckless heart-
no control.
But burning tears
can't hide
what I see... 
in that broken face-
the disgrace 
in me....
Not my best work, but they can't all be!!
MeanAileen Mar 2017
Where are you going
my little one...
my precious son?
Why are you taking
my baby from me?

Close my eyes
and you're two...
Close my eyes
and you're four...
Close my eyes
and you're walking
right out of the door.

Where are you going
my little one...
my precious son?
You just keep growing
too quickly for me.

Close my eyes
and you're eight...
Close my eyes
and you're ten...
Close my eyes
and I just want
to hold you again.

Where are you going
my little one...
my precious son?
You've no way of knowing
how proud you make me.

Close my eyes
you're in school...
Close my eyes
and you're grown...
Close my eyes
and you're a father
precious son of your own.
This is more of a lullaby then poem. I used to sing it to my son when he was a lil guy. He's 22 now!!! Where does the time go?!
MeanAileen Mar 2017
Whispering winds...
beyond breezing-
snow falls down...
blowing, freezing.

Loneliness aids...
tedious crying-
living, hating...
loving, dying.

Pale skies...
winter showing-
devours sunlight...
shadows growing.

Fate it lurks...
quietly calling-
screaming, running...
whispering, falling.

Leaves chasing...
nature stealing-
bitter flurry....
whipping, reeling.

Rain dropping...
falling, streaming-
whims, wishes...
foolishly dreaming.

Nights so cold...
never warming-
nightmares, you...
ever swarming.

Dwindling light...
dying within-
darkness falls...
on a heart of sin.
Just some dark words from my weird brain....
It's also the yang to the yin of another one of my poems called 'Dandelions & Dreams'
MeanAileen Mar 2017
Love me not for what you see, my dear,
or for that which you can touch & hold.
For I'm not immune to the wrath of time,
one day I too will be old...  
My mahogany locks will turn to gray
and my youthful glow will have faded.
My vibrant smile, like a flower, will wilt,
and once sparkling eyes will seem jaded.
My skin may look like an ill-fitting suit,
and gravity will cease to be a friend.
Wrinkles will devour my pretty face,
good looks just a memory, in the end....
So love me not for what you see, my dear
let what is unseen be why.
Love beyond what you can touch & hold,
for one day my beauty will die.
Getting old *****!!
MeanAileen Mar 2017
my ***** secret
moral intoxication...
addicted to him
His touch gets me high
MeanAileen Jan 2023
clutter everywhere
retail therapy gone bad...
nothing fills the void
I shop too much
MeanAileen Mar 2017
window panes in the dark
secrets locked within...
twisted whispers whirl about
dance the dance of sin.
broken mirror on the floor
yesterdays hope reflected...
dreams dangle from a noose
forbidden love rejected.
cinders pop beneath the hearth
vacant words to vapor...
crimson color stealing sight
blood of her hearts *****.
nevermore she softly sung
while razor slipped into flesh...
pleads for help screamed unheard
as body made final thresh.

end.
Just a dark little poem...
MeanAileen Mar 2017
I try so hard
to do it all,
I try to measure up
to your standards.
I've done the best
that I know how,
but I guess my best
just isn't enough
for you.

I've compromised...
...I didn't do it right.
I've sacrificed...
...I didn't do enough.
I've given everything
that I have to give,
but I guess my all
just isn't enough
for you.

I'm losing my will.
I've lost all pride.
I've forgotten how
lovely it feels
being happy...
But you don't care.
Why would you?
I don't mean enough
to you.

Maybe if I try harder,
and break a little more...
Maybe one day
I will be enough
for you.
My only non-rhyming poem...
MeanAileen Dec 2017
Oh how I hate
this time of year,
with the stupid songs
and holiday cheer...
Annoying bell ringers
outside the store,
and the tacky wreaths
hanging on the door.
Cardboard calendars
filled with waxy treats,
ice and snow making
death traps of streets.
Frazzled parents
spending more then they should
on entitled kids
who are far from good.
Fake smiles & wishes
in the "spirit" of it all,
the empty shelves-
the crowds at the mall.
The hour long line
to see Santa the phony
who falsely promises
an x-box or a pony.
Having to gather
with family who annoy,
gifting another cheap
Chinese-made toy.
Fire hazards
strung with tinsel and lights,
tensions leading
to fun Christmas fights!
Secret Santas-
holiday parties for work-
ugly sweaters
making you look like a ****.
The stress of having
an enormous list
and a tiny budget
just makes me ******!
No, nothing seems jolly
or merry or bright...
Oh how I can't wait
till post-Christmas night!
My ode to the holidays!!
And no, I'm not a TOTAL Grinch, I just play one in November and December!!
MeanAileen Mar 2017
You know that feeling
born deep in your heart?
That insatiable yearning
every time you're apart?
Those butterfly wings
that tickle your belly...
Or the climatic ecstasy
that turns bodies to jelly?
Have you ever felt
someone touch your soul...
Felt completely complete...
one half of a whole?
Have you seen no future
without them by your side?
Have you felt their breath
was your own, inside?
Have your lips tingled
with every sweet kiss?
Would the smell of their skin
stir emotions like this?
Have you felt you two fit
like a hand in glove?
Do you know what it's like 
to be MORE then in love? 
I did, but it's gone,
faded memories of past....
of my first true love,
and my last.
True love isn't always two sided, unfortunately
MeanAileen Feb 2020
They say happiness is a state of mind
but for me that just isn't true,
because happiness, as I know it
begins and ends with you.
...and it has ended
MeanAileen Jul 2018
It must be so nice
to be cold as ice
and live with a heart of stone.
No need to think twice
in a fools paradise
when your head is so overblown.

Existing so high
you can touch the sky
from your pillar of ivory and gold.
Everyday you lie
just to pacify
an ego which can't be controlled.

You don't play fair
nor do you care
who's heart you might break next.
Another sordid affair
caught in your snare,
treating women like they are objects.

You made love a joke
with vows you broke,
that golden ring is sure to rust.
One day you'll choke
on fallacies you spoke,
then your empire to fall to dust.

And looking down on all
like you're 12 feet tall
does not make you the bigger man.
Laughing as they fall,
watching them crawl,
forgetting where your own life began.

Just keep living in excess,
desperate to impress,
surround yourself with cool ****.
Cause what you possess
when dead from stress
in a few years, won't matter one bit.
Ya...
MeanAileen Mar 2017
I am warmhearted and icy cold,
with a pretty face that's getting old.
I am fragile yet tough as a man,
struggle thru life with no real plan.
I am petite and cuss like a trucker,
slightly naive, but I'm no sucker.
I am a sinner with a halo of gold,
an open book with secrets untold.
I am a hypocrite but always play fair,
a bleeding heart and I don't care.
I am a mother who acts like a child,
crazy, impatient and easily riled.
I am spontaneous and I am a bore,
forever forgiving, I still keep score.
I am unstable and wonderfully wise,
a ****** deviant in sweet disguise.
I am creative and self-destructive
naturally skilled and unproductive.
I am shy and I am outspoken
with a heart of glass, easily broken.
I am awkward and well refined,
lost, insightful and a little love-blind.
I am respected and I am addicted
shamed by burdens, self inflicted.
I am a perfectionist and I am a slob,
unbiased and shallow, an inept snob.
I am nocturnal, a creature of night,
blissfully ignorant, typically right.
I am cautious and I have no fear,
a loser and quitter, still I persevere.
I am brilliant and easily amused,
over-zealous and under-enthused.
I am impervious with wounds to heal,
a habitual liar just keepin' it real.
I am witty and weird and mean-
I am what I am.......100 Aileen.
A lil bit about who I am...
MeanAileen Mar 2017
Forgotten flower
silently wilts -
May you have sweet dreams.
I'm quietly fading away....
MeanAileen Mar 2017
I'm in love with a man
I know not to love,
his heart will never be free.
I waste my days
a slave to his ways-
knowing he will never love me.

He is the secret
I can never reveal,
the best lover I ever have known.
I've nothing to give
but my body.....it's his-
fresh dirt for him to bury his bone.

Hopelessly hooked
on him like a drug,
wanting him day and night.
I play his ***** game
I have no shame-
taking it all, knuckles white.

Dead is the conscience
I knew so well,
and morals.....they ran far away.
Clarity now blurry
in a love-drunk slurry-
the 'good me' has gone astray.

To lay with him
is playing with fire,
the flames...they burn me alive.
Leaving me marred
hurting and scarred-
the pain on which I thrive.

A fool for punishment
I beg for more,
even if all I am worthy of is ****.
Loving him breaks me
it overtakes me-
but I'm not willing to quit.

I die a little more
with each passing day,
until again, I get lost in those eyes....
All doubts go away
so for now I'll stay-
living this life of lies.
You can't always help who you fall in love with...
MeanAileen Mar 2017
I truly do wish
I could be more like you,
to live life without regret.
Won't you teach me
how to do as you do?
I promise to never forget...
First, clarify
just how to fake love
so others see it as real.
Then drain my soul
until it's void of
any feelings it may feel.
Instruct my heart
how not to break,
and like yours, turn to stone.
I'd never know loss
with nothing at stake;
I'd never be hurting alone.
Now demonstrate how
to walk out and leave
without ever saying goodbye.
Do disclose how
you so easily deceive...
teach me just how to lie.
Train my eyes
to shed no more tears;
reveal where pain should hide.
Then teach me how
to confine my fears,
keeping them all locked inside.
I must know how
to ignore the lust
found in a passionate kiss.
Then un-teach my mind
the meaning of trust
so I'll never again feel like this!
Now explain how
I can forget our love,
make me believe it wasn't true.....
And then when I master
all the above,
then, I will be more like you.
This is an old one, but I've always been fond of it....
MeanAileen Mar 2017
40 years on earth
Still can't seem to find my place...
When can I go home?
I like haikus...
MeanAileen Aug 2017
***** *** and cigarettes
bad decisions, no regrets.
Painted lips and fingertips
lace, leather, gags and whips.
Cheap motels, steamy nights
sweaty flesh and candlelights.
Pushing limits, breaking rules
naked dips in swimming pools.
Getting high while living low
riding rails, pure white snow.
Playing games & telling lies
the look of lust in lovers eyes.
Rendevouz in seedy places
sloppy kisses, hot embraces.
Ménage à trios, or even four!
Anything goes behind locked door...
Shots of Jack make it all alright-
just another dirt-bag night.
50% fiction...
MeanAileen Mar 2017
Tear drops falling
drowning in sorrow
wipe away each one for me~
Just keep me laughing
today....tomorrow
spare me form this misery~
Just some sad words...
MeanAileen Aug 2017
I miss you in the morning, love
when the world is bright and new...
but that world will bring no joy,
because it brings no you.

I miss you in the daytime, love
where the sun beats heavy and hot...
but how can I find happiness there,
in a place where you are not?

I miss you in the evening, love
when darkness consumes the light...
and yet I see no pleasure in this,
because you're nowhere in sight.

I miss you in the mid-night, love
as the moon's silver light beams...
cold and alone I drift off to sleep,
and still, I miss you in my dreams~
An oldie...
MeanAileen Jan 2020
saying I'm ok
walking thru life in a haze
sleep is my band-aid
How can I get past this depression when I know tomorrow will be exactly the same?
MeanAileen Apr 2017
It is always present
Dormant in my soul
Until it awakens
Seizing all control.
Crushing happiness
Infecting what's pure
Inflicting a pain
I've learned to endure.
Clouding thoughts
Enslaving my brain
Corrupting judgment
Till i feel I'm insane.
Stealing sunshine
Twisting my smile
Killing kindness
Leaving me hostile.
Ripping at my heart
With utmost aggression
It has awakened...
Hello again, depression.
Just another poem stemming from my depressed brain...
MeanAileen Mar 2017
It's my best friend,
and my nightmere-
it's all that I love
and everything I fear.
It's my fulfillment,
my bottomless sorrow-
bringing dark thoughts
of no tomorrow.
It's my strength,
my greatest plight-
this evil addiction
I try to fight.
It's my oblivion,
my heartbreaking pain-
a toxic cloud
that's killing my brain.
It's my protection,
my paranoid lies-
the Devil himself
in crystal disguise.
It's my sanity,
my endless strife-
this methamphetamine
destroying my life.
It's my reality,
my make-believe bliss-
I just never imagined
I would end up like this....
Truth be told....
MeanAileen Aug 2019
I am nothing....nothing at all.
you don't notice me crying
you can't hear me call
you won't watch me stumble
you don't care if I fall
because I am nothing...
nothing at all.
A poem about....nothing
MeanAileen Mar 2017
I don't think this is my life
it seems more like a nightmere!
But when I rub my blurry eyes
I just can't make it disappear...
I used to feel the warm sunshine
now I am blinded by its light.
I used to lay my head to sleep
now days just bleed into night.
There was a time I always laughed
now it hurts my face just to smile.
I know I used to be someone,
but no one's seen her in awhile.
I remember I was once in love
and the soothing, comfort I felt.
Now I'm just mad....mad at the world
for the ****** up hand I was dealt.
I think I remember carefree days,
that was back when I had friends.
Living life just for tomorrow,
now I can't wait till my life ends.
I know I used to be truly happy
now I hide behind a mask of cheer...
I guess this really is my life
I'm just living a nightmere.
Life is rough
MeanAileen Mar 2017
beyond the happiness, beyond the saddness
somewhere out there amidst the madness
within the shadows and depths of black
beyond the point of no turning back
where all hope and dreams are lost
into the bitter and lightless frost
feeling nothing & loving no one
finally hitting the very bottom
battered a tattered soul lies
and all alone it slowly dies
innocence wasted away
happiness gone astray...
what have i become?
nothing, just numb.
Just some depressing words stemming from my depressed mind....
MeanAileen Aug 2020
I didn't even realize
I forgot how to smile,
been wearing a fake one
for such a long while...
But then one day
you came along...
You brightened my world
and changed the words to my song.
Now your sweet lyrics
are all I can hear
and you've got me grinning
from ear to ear😁
Just a silly little poem for my new friend😊
MeanAileen Mar 2017
Sometimes I forget
how innocent you still are.
With the soul of an angel,
you're my shining star.
As sweet as pure sugar
with a heart made of gold.
A miniature miracle
for my arms to hold.
Your purity and hope,
your limitless dreams...
Sometimes I forget
what being a child really means.
So live wild and carefree
and sing your heart out!
Laugh till your tummy hurts,
feel happiness throughout!
Dance like no ones watching,
let nothing dim your view...
Sometimes I forget
to let you, just be you.
So, on those bad days
when I'm grumpy or mad,
if I say, "knock that off!!"
and it makes you sad...
Just remember, I love you,
more then words can ever say!
For you are the sunshine
that brightens my every day-

Sometimes I forget...
I couldn't have asked for a better daughter! Love that girl
MeanAileen May 2017
I don't know why I miss you so much
for you always seemed to make me sad.
Yet I ache to feel the warmth of your touch
and I long for the love we once had.

I miss the taste of your soft, sweet kiss,
and feeling your lips touching mine.
I have never known desire like this,
so raw, so deep, so divine.

I miss your fingers, how they would tease,
and your strong arms, holding me tight.
I miss how you always aimed to please
on those many 'a sleepless night.

I miss how your eyes touched my soul,
how your smile melted my heart.
Without you, dear, I'm half of a whole,
and inside, I'm falling apart.

I miss the smell, so uniquely your own
that is now just a faded memory.
I miss the affection that once was shown,
I miss loving you, loving me.

I miss hearing your voice speak my name,
and the soothing, comfort it brought.
I wonder....sometimes, do you feel the same?
Or am I just a passing thought?

I miss what was my very best friend,
my partner in crime & lover, too.
And although our story has come to an end,
I can't help but still miss you...
Another oldie, but I've always really liked it. Hopefully you did too!
MeanAileen Sep 2019
one hundred degrees
mother nature sends a breeze
and flames to the trees
Summer time in Northern California...
MeanAileen Jan 2018
because you fit me...
my world looks brighter
my life seems better
my heart feels warmer
because you fit me...
like my favorite sweater.
Just some silly words...
MeanAileen Aug 2017
Tell me how very stupid I am,
tell me I don't know ****.
Tell me it's only my imagination,
tell me not to trip.
Tell me what a fool I'm acting,
even tell me I'm a liar...
Just tell me that this time apart
hasn't put out the fire.
Tell me that I really don't see
love dying in your eyes.
Tell me all I've known to be real
wasn't just made up of lies.
Tell me that the desire is still there,
that passion is still alive.
Tell me something as strong as 'us'
knows only how to survive.
Tell me that the affection, now gone,
is something I still can feel.
Tell me that all my doubts and fears
are unfounded and unreal.
Tell me it's just my messed-up head,
tell me it's all a mistake...
Tell my feelings to stop hurting so much,
tell my heart not to break.
Tell me that you can't live without me
the way I can't without you.
Tell me how much you still do love me
though I'll know it's not true....
Just going thru some old notebooks and came across this one.  It's old, but I kinda like it
MeanAileen Jul 2018
You bring out the very worst in me,
the ugly side I hate to see...
That bitter ***** no one can stand,
who's quick to snap like a rubber band.
The angry, spiteful, cold-hearted shrew,
who only exists when brought out by you...
Short and to the point.
MeanAileen Mar 2017
I've decided I'm through
I simply want out,
please give back to me
my life.

What I'm saying is true
I have no doubt,
I never want to be
your wife.

You've caused me much pain
given me such grief,
you alone have broken
my heart.

Things will never be the same
I now live in disbelief,
as promises you've spoken
fall apart.

I've taken all a woman can
of your heartless ways,
as my single remaining dream
has died.

You insecure and selfish man
with your jealous craze,
You're not at all what you seem,
you lied.

I gave to you, my everything
it was never enough,
always wanting much more
from me.

I can not go on pretending
so I call my own bluff,
what tomorrow has in store,
I'll see.

In this relationship I only gave
never once did receive,
the sweet love and attention
I deserved.

I will not be your heart's slave
so today I must leave,
this hateful facility of detention....
time served!
This is old, but I've always liked it...hope you do too!
MeanAileen Mar 2017
Sunlight gleaming...
golden glimmer-
dragonflies flutter...
iridescent shimmer.

Winter fading...
new life showing-
winds of change...
gently blowing.

Wrapped in warmth...
springs embrace-
rays of happiness...
dance on my face!

Blue skies, butterflies...
distant laughter-
dandelions & dreams...
chasing after.

Sleepy sidewalks...
sprinkled in pink-
yesterdays blossoms...
gone in a blink.

Amethyst, fuchsia...
apricot, blush-
masterpiece sky...
mother natures brush.

Willows weeping...
growing shade-
crickets singing...
twilight serenade.

Black & blue...
glitter star-shine-
thieves of day...
criminals benign.

Cheshire moon...
grinning hello-
darkness falls...
sunlight must go.
Just some words from the brighter side of my mind....
Also, the yin to the yang of another one of my poems called 'Darkness Falls'
MeanAileen Jun 2019
I fool them all
with my pretty face.
I dress myself up
with style and grace.
I paint a pretty picture
for everyone to see...
just hoping to hide
the ugliness of me.
I'm false advertising at its finest
MeanAileen Mar 2017
i know heartache
but this.....is more
painful punishment
never felt before...
a ruthless torment
my heart blighted
damage derived from
love, unrequited
It hurts....
MeanAileen May 2019
I've been broken
and put back together
too many times before.
picked up the pieces
of my shattered heart
one by one off the floor.
I stitched up the seams
with needle and thread,
and muffled the screams
that wished I was dead,
then swept away dreams
that cluttered my head...
until there were no more.
Just another poem
MeanAileen Mar 2017
Born dying
Die trying
Try crying
My tears~

Still hating
Hate waiting
Wait abating
These fears~

Always wanting
Want flaunting
Flaunt taunting
It seems~

Inside aching
Ache breaking
Break forsaking
My dreams~
Just a little word play!
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