never trust a poet's words
they sound sweet at first
but you'll notice the emotion in their words
it all sounds too...
fake
"i love you like the sea loves the shore"
becomes too scripted
you hear the small tinge of love actually left in their voice
hoping
hoping it could mean something
but it doesn't
it never does
it's just the way they say it
one day, after they have left
you will find their poems, and they will be the exact words that they had said to you
once long ago

Spongebob Squarepants

     .--..--..--..--..--..--.
   .' \  ('.   ()        \
.'    |  '.)         ()  |
\ _.')\      .----..---.   /
|(.'  |    /    .--.  \  |
\     0|    |   ( O| O) | o|
  |    |  .--..'..-.  |
  \ () | o         -' .-'  |
   |    \   |'-. _ _ _ \ /
   \    |   |  '. ||||   |
   | o  |    _      \     |     -.   .-.
   |.-.  \     '--..-'   O |     '.'-' .'
_.'  .' |     '-.-'      /-.   ' .-'
.' '-.' '.|='=.='=.='=.='=|./_ '-'.'
'-.  '.  |_/__|    '-.'
  .'   ).| '=' '='\/ '=' |
  '..'  '---------------'
          //\   //\
            ||       ||
   LGB ||.-.   ||.-.
           (.--) (.--)



Squidward

          .--'''''''''--.
       .'      .---.      '.
      /    .-----------.  \
     /        .-----.        \
     |       .-.   .-.          |
     |      /   \ /   \      |
      \    | .-. | .-. |    /
       '-.| | | | | | |.-'
           | '-' | '-' |
            _/ _/
         .-'  /   \  '-.
       .' .--|     |--. '.
       ' ...-|     |-... '
              |     |
              '..'
                | |
               _| |
              /( )/\
             /  ' '  \
            | |     | |
            '-'     '-'
            | |     | |
            | |     | |
            | |-----| |
         .'/  |     | |/'.
         |    |     |    |
         '..'| .-. |'..'
               \ | /
               | | |
               | | |
               | | |
              /| | |\
            .'| | |'.
  LGB   '. | | | .'
         .    /  |  \    .
        /o'.-'  / \  '-.'o\
       /o  o\ .'   '. /o  o\
       '..'       '..'

your love hurts
but i cant help but need it
i cant help but need you
why do you love me
why do you do these things to me
you tell me you love me
and i say it back
but do you really?
we haven't talked in months
you talked **** to someone who tells me everything
'it was just because of my meds but im in love with her'
you say to the girl who sleeps over my house for days and nights on end
the girl who loves me too
the girl who learned to hate you because you love me instead
why do i cause problems.
i fell in love with you day by day
it slowly eats away at me not being able to see you
why is it this way
why am i in love with you
i hate this feeling but...i love you

'my father said to me, "you want this perfect person you've never met before
to come out of nowhere, fit your life completely, complete you
and make you whole for the first time in your life, much like your mother did for me."
i was seven
and even tho what he said sounds sweet and whatever
what it manifested in my seven year old brain was this,
"if you are not with someone: you are broken.
if you are not with someone: you are incomplete.
if you are not with someone: you are not whole."
and that's not just something my dad made me feel that's something we as society has made every child born in the last 40 years feel.
every disney princess has a prince
every prince has a princess
every television show or movie always has that one character in it that doesn't wanna be in a relationship.
they're happy with who they are.
but by the end of the series, guess what, they we're wrong'

you know i still love you
but i will always hate you too
for so many reasons
leaving me alone at 6 on friday nights till 10am the next day
i never ate enough
you never noticed
i never did my homework and lied saying i did
you hardly checked
i hurt myself
you never noticed
but you're my dad, i can't just only hate you
but i feel the need to
cause the pain you put me in
i will never forget
the phone calls that i have to initiate with a text
i'm sorry i'm a bad child
i'm so sorry i'm ****** up
and i'm sorry you don't know how to parent
i'm sorry i love my mom more than i'll ever love you
but i love you dad
you know i do
you just don't know how much i hate you
thanks for kinda raising me
you yelled
i cried
you drank
i cut
you smoked
i smoked
you slept
i drank
you went out
i stayed up till you got home
i'm sorry but i feel the need to say goodbye
to the father i wished you were
so i fan finally accept the real father you are

she's your rose
but you turned her white petals
r e d
soaked in her own blood
her pedals ruined because of your words
because of your actions
but she stayed with you because you torture her stem
spraying her with what she thought was water but in fact was
p o i s o n
and one day you grab her wrong and get pricked by her mighty thorns
and after everything
you leave her
with her blood soaked rose petals
and poison stem

i've got a heart that's been ****** up
but that doesn't stop me from loving
it doesn't stop me from falling in love
it doesn't stop me from being me
because what i've learned with my shattered heart
it that...with my heart
i am myself
and that's okay that i've been broken
if someone doesn't love me for that
oh well

three times
one: i sit here on my friend's kitchen floor with a bottle of pills and a throbbing headache 'just take a few they're 200mg each you'll be fine'
i smile and nod, she walks out
i begin counting '200, 400, 600, 800, 1000...' all the way up to 2600
"what will 2600mg of ibuprofen do to me" i wonder
and i down the pills
hours later im fine
nothing
im not hurting
just numb once again as always
and i eat
then like usual, go puke it


~the summer before 7th grade~
just a little more dead inside than before

i dreamed about you again
we were cuddling
and i fell asleep with you in my arms
woke up next to you
and smiled
we lived together
we were happy
but then i woke up...
and you weren't there
but what was there was adorable messages from you
making me smile
i'm head over heels for you cutie pie

all i've done is wish for you
wish for you to love me like you say you still do
wish for your hand in mine
wish for your happiness
wish for you
then i later realized i wasn't wishing
i realized i was falling for you and those were just my hopes and dreams
and i was...scared
but...happy with you
and you seemed happy so i went along with it
and now here i am
in the middle of math class wishing i was with you and only you

"i love you" she says
"i'll never leave you"
"i love you and only you"
but it wasn't the truth was it?
you avoid me in the halls
you had to block me
we used to be happy
but now
our story is filled with broken "i love you"'s
and heartbroken "i'm sorry"'s
do you still love me like you say you do?
do you really want me to fight for you
you said "if you love me, you'd fight for me"
but my love i am fighting
but nothing will work
for we are two broken hearts, filled with lust, love, and hurt

im not submerged into anything
im drowning in my own breath
drowning in stress
anxiety
sadness
yet nothing at all
im numb
but im suffocating in this world
nothing is blocking my air passages, nothing is around my neck
but i feel a tightness in my throat
i shake
yet im silent
i get irritable
annoyed
and i shut down
sometimes i'll cry
others i just sit there staring at nothing
and i just... sit

her long hugs as she whispers into my ear
'i love you'
my heart warms up and i smile
'i love you too,' i tell her
my stomach fills with butterflies like always when i'm around her
her touch is soft and it brings back memories
her laugh plays over and over in my head like a scratched record, but it's beautifully hurt and i could listen to it for ages
when i hear her voice in the halls i get nervous
i meet up with her every day
but only for a short while
'meet me 1:30 every day except the 30th in the bathroom by the cafe if you really care'
i remember her words
and i keep my promise
cause she means everything to me
she kissed me the second and the third time we met
and she might today
it all is so much but makes me so happy
.
.
'i have a list of people who wanna date me' she says 'you're one of them'
'so do i' i mumble
'but you're the one on my list that i want'
i blush and say 'you're the one i want too'
she smiles and hugs me and i run  
.
.
and so here i am again, getting ready for the hurt

eyes are the pathway to ones soul
eyes show the truth
look into my eyes when i say i'm fine
you'll know how i feel
it depends on the person i'm around
i feel truly happy around my good friends
and i hate being around the ones who hurt me, and the one who assaulted me
eyes show feelings
never pay attention to my eyes
for they hold what i fail to say
the hold my pain and anger and sorrows and guilt
no one should see that
you'd cry if you knew the real me
the raw me
the feelings i have buried down
the secrets i have
the lies
the things i've done
the things i've said
the people i've hurt
the guilt and pain
im a child i shouldn't have all of this
but i do, because life just decides to throw **** at me
but i can handle it
i'll be fine
but please...look into my eyes if i say im fine
you can tell when im lying

at first it was a normal morning in september
people on their normal commute to work
but that morning changed, and ruined lives forever
"the twin towers have fallen"
thousands of lives, not just lost on that day, but ruined
lost love ones, friends, children
but the after effects that it had on people
the ones who ended their lives because they lost loved ones
the ones who cry every night remembering them
they are victims too
i wasn't alive yet
but i want to tell everyone who lost someone that day
or the days after that
or just who lost someone in general,
i know losing someone hurts
you will be okay
you're strong
and you're amazing
be strong my lovelies
life will get better
i love you all

please...don't go
i can't lose you again
please don't be drifting away
i knew once we kissed again that you're the one i want
please
don't say goodbye
i know you're not allowed to talk to me
but you still do
i'm sorry
but you say you love me
so please my love
show me
prove it to me
cause for ****'s sake i love you too
and thank you for caring about me
i need you by my side

if i stopped loving you
i might not hurt as much
but if that means i must stop loving you
it's not worth it
you'll always be a part of my heart
no matter how much it hurts

i'd take you over him in a heart beat
you know i'd do anything for you
please don't leave
i'll tell him i want you instead
i'll tell everyone i've ever talked to that i want you
because i love you
and i need you to know that
i'll tell you how much i love you till i lose my voice
till i cant cry anymore
i'd do anything just to have you again
you're my world
without you i'm lost
"you could live without me"
sure i can but it's hard
the thought of being without you is hard
i need you all the time
i think about you all the time
i need you
i miss you
i love you
that's all i must say

hey guys so my birthday is coming up and im super exited im finally turning 14 on september 28th exiteeee
im weird sorry
but like
im exited ya know
so yeah september 28th my dudes
imma be a lil bit olderrrr

i don't think i realized it fully till now
you're the one i want
the i want forever and more
you're my everything baby
you're the reason i wake up in the morning
the reason i actually go to bed
the reason i smile
the one i need
the one i want
forever and more
i love you baby

two:
3 am
cramps, oh horrible cramps
i have midol, i'll just take a few
then a few becomes a bunch
i take around 8-10
i realize what i've done
again
i wonder how this will feel this time
my stomach hurts more
i have horrible pain till 5 am
then i finally fall asleep
and i wake up
im fine
~the beginning of 7th grade~

the hours we'd spend on the phone, or on skype
the hours we'd spend texting wishing we were cuddling
the memories
the laughs
the times we wanted to see each other
the promises
the inside jokes
...
you slowly fade away and so do the memories
to the ghost of a girl i used to know
i love you still
you meant so much to me
im happy i knew you
im letting go
good bye my love

my baby
my love
my sweetness
my whole heart
my lovely
my world
my babe
my girlfriend
the love of my life
my princess
my sweetheart
my everything
my cutie
my pretty girl
my snuggle bub
my cuddle bug
my esther
all mine

when...
when will you be drunk enough
high enough
sad enough
lonely enough
to finally tell me you love me again
to pour your true deep feelings out into a text
or into words and tell me them
when will you be hopeless enough
that you'll actually say you need me again
maybe i'll wait for you again
so when you're drunk enough...
spill your heart to me, and don't regret it like you did the last time...
because i love you and miss you too

I text you
i call
i beg you to tell me why
why we cant be friends
but you don't tell me
and it's okay
ive learned to get by without you
but one day you text me
'talk to me at school and we can talk'
i just sigh and close my phone
i dont talk to you for a week after that
then i finally am able to talk to you
and you just say
'we can be friends but just...
not like we used to be'
i say okay and there we go we're talking again?
i go ahead with it cause i know
this is the best thing i'll get for a while
it's okay
im fine
as long as she's not ignoring me in the halls
and classes
but it's okay
cause we'll look at each other and smile
we'll do our stuff in the bathroom
he stuff we'd always do together
but with your other friends also
it's fine
just as long as we're still talking it's okay

'i miss youu'
'i wanna see youu'
'it's been waay too longg'
all the stuff you say
telling me you wanna come over one day
and when i invite you over all you say is
'probably not, sorry'
so i just send a sad face and move on with my day
'hey you know i love you' you say 10 minutes later
i send a few hearts and continue my day
later you text me at 10 pm
'mmm baby i miss you'
'i need you rn'
'mmh just come over baby'
all i say
'i wish'
then i go to bed

it's okay
i love you
and sure it hurts but i understand
i'm here for you always
thank you for being honest
y'know what they say

honesty
is
the
best
policy

the things you always joke about
they hurt
but im not leaving you
the way you talk to me when you get angry
it hurts
but im not leaving you
the way you change completely when i bring up a friend of mine who's a guy
it scares and hurts me
you joke about how "im on this guys ****" or some immature ****
it hurts cause you know i wouldn't do that to you
but i wont leave
cause you're still the boy i met just a few months back
but now all your sweet words sound so full with lust, no love
i can ever so slightly hear a drop of love, scattered in between the "i love you" and the "im sorry baby" and all the in between
i love you
and im not leaving you
.
.
.
not yet

i've know you since 1st grade
we stopped talking when i moved away in 4th grade
we meet up again freshman year
we're practically inseparable for the first half of freshman year
and then all of a sudden you get other friends
and now you think you're cool
so you stop talking to me
you ignore my texts
you become a total *****
and cause why
you think you're cool and popular now
sure you have a bunch of friends but that doesn't mean ****
you hurt me you know you did
the person who was once my best friend, my "bebe"
is now a person who doesn't want anything to do with me

i miss you
i know you probably don't wanna hear that
but i had to get it out some way
it's been ******* me up so bad
i need to not miss you
i need to get over myself
i'm just hurting myself more by missing you
i'm sorry but i miss you
but by this time next week i won't miss you anymore
i won't break down every time someone mentions you
i won't cry over you anymore
i won't wanna cry when i hug you
you won't affect me
not the way you used to anyways

you see...
it's not possible to stop loving someone
no matter how badly you want to
if you truly loved them
you always will
you can only love someone more
that person will always be a part of your heart
and you can't change that
no matter how hard you try
sure, it's possible to hate someone you love
but there will a soft spot
no matter how much they hurt you or how much you hurt them

i miss holding your hand
rubbing the huge scar on your ring finger and pinky
the scar that sent you to the hospital
i miss teasing you about how funny it felt
i miss kissing your hand when it started to hurt
i miss your sweet big hands
i miss your hand gripping my thigh when you would get annoyed at something
i miss your hand on my stomach rubbing soft circles into my side
i miss you teasing me by rubbing my lip with your thumb
i miss your fingers wondering to places unknown
i miss your hands on my back just holding me
i miss your fingers
your hands
your arms
your everything
i just miss you
and it's fine
i'm not going to tell you i miss you
cause i'm happy with my gf
and i wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that

but
...
im scared i already have fallen for you
kiwi
the amount of times ive almost told you
i love you
god but your hugs
****...
if you dont want me to get attached
dont hug me like it matters
dont hug me so tight that it makes me wanna cry when we let go
dont hug me like you love me too
dont hug me like you care
dont do cute wholesome **** like wiping my mascara as it runs while we shower together
dont be so sweet and pull on my heart strings
dont cuddle me sweetly after ***
dont kiss the top of my head when we hug for a while
dont kiss my cheek
dont hold my hand while we ****
dont tell me how much you miss me
but most of all dont act like you dont feel something too
dont act like you could just lay there and sleep while we cuddle
when you say 'this is just for the human affection and attention...deal?'

i need you
but i don't have you
we're still basically best friends
but it's fine
i'm happy we're talking
you broke me tho
my heart shattered
but i never cried that day
i cried after
thinking of the things i wouldn't be able to do anymore
i wouldn't be able to hold your hand
i wouldn't be able to kiss you again
i wouldn't be able to cuddle you in the shed while happy and high
i wouldn't be able to fall asleep after we smoke
i wouldn't be able to fall asleep on the couch we called ours
i wouldn't be able to tell you how much i love you
nothing will ever be the same
and you know that
but we're friends
and that's fine
that's all i need right now
as long as you're in my life
i'm happy

'im a ticking time bomb'
'i dont want you to get attached'
'im not someone you wanna spend too much time with'
'were both pretty damaged and vulnerable'
'i might do any little thing to **** this up at any random time'
but im willing to risk it
im willing to risk getting hurt if it means loving you
if i means spending all my time with you
even if it's only at night
im willing to love you
im willing to fall for you
but
...

her smile
her laugh
her voice
her
she makes me smile
she makes me happy
she makes me blush
she
i love her
i need her
i want her
and only her is who i need
only her is who i love
and only her is who i want


my one and only is you esther

i've liked you since 7th grade
i've loved you since 8th
im sorry i hurt you
that was never my intention
i love you
i mean it
you're my world and you make me happy
i want you and only you
and i mean it
i hope you believe me
and i understand that i hurt you
and i understand the jealousy
but i've realized how much i really need you
so we will make it through this together
i put my heart in your hands
i hope you learn to trust me enough to let me hold yours too
it takes time and that's okay
as long as we're okay
as long as you're only telling me you love me
as long as im only telling you i love you
then we're okay

guys my girlfriend is so cute i can't take it
we just were on a video chat and her smileeee omggg she's just so precious i wanna smoochy her
i ove you estherrr
hehe she'd understand
ugh broooo she's just the best
like for reallll how did i get so ****** luckyyyy
she's so precious she makes my heart melt