He seemed so big and bad
but I knew better
I recognized this
one emotion he had
it was familiar,
it was sad.

At that moment,
I lay on his chest
and for once he was quiet,
for once I was at rest,
In each others arms we lay,
a young vulnerable mess.

I remember wanting you so bad
I could taste you
strawberry kisses
and cotton candy blue
your love was like candy from strangers
I took it, but was not supposed too.

Greedy for pleasure,
thirsty for your touch,
ingredients went away, I began to rush
I was in the kitchen
and the heat I became too much.

And then like bubblegum,
sweet then bitter...
I  popped off...and
blew...........away my chance
at such a delicious romance.

I can be awkward,
shy, introverted,
nervous, and my voice is weird
but my smile is beautiful.

I can be obnoxious,
dramatic, crazy,
needy, confusing,
but aren't my jokes amusing?

Truth is, I'm a hot mess everyday.
I smoke like a chimney
and drink away my kidneys
poor pretty girl with a ugly bladder,

If you don't fall for me,
I hope you at least fall in love with my laughter.

A blue liquid began to spill
at the moment I began to feel--------- LESS
....the puddle grew into a large mess
people began to crowd around
weak, I fell to the ground.
A lady asked, " Darling, what happened to you?"
He broke my heart,
and I was depressed already
so now I bleed BLUE.

He asked me.....

*How could I be so cold?
I cried a snowflake,
while starring into his soul.

my lovers left me
down and out
gave me something
to think about.
Like......
how it's not them,
but could it be me?
commitment is dangerous
and relationships are scary!

I'm sorry if my love was not enough
Life was about time,
I was always in a rush.

So much to do,
so much to see,
I guess I forgot you needed me.

Now I lay in the ground alone,
covered with dirt and anxiety.
Hoping you knew I loved you entirely.

I've wasted so much time,
living life, walking blind.

I've wasted too many years,
dehydrated from so many lost tears.

Exposing myself to different harm,
I've been foolish since I was born.

But now the change is taking place,
and no matter what I must finish the race.

In the midst
of giving every man
a piece of me,
I lost the peace in me.

In the moment
of finding myself
I became helpless,
I needed help.

Thinking a man
could help me become a woman,
I lost my dignity,
blind to who I should really be loving.

while the others boys lied
about their emotions
he held me and together we cried.

sometimes we both wonder
what life would be like if we died.
both young, both tired.

Afraid of my luck,
I was ready to give up

he said baby don't worry
I told him I needed him bad, please hurry!!!

He convinced me to keep trying,
saying he would protect me forever

he was telling the truth
he was my LION.

I've become dangerous.
Poison pumps through my veins.
My troubled heart is to blame.

My arch nemesis is cupid
who seems Hell bent
him and every ex of a *****.

I Bet he gets paid
every time my soul gets broken
or some guy gets laid.

some devils have love made
while sweet Angels like myself
end up getting played.

I gave you my body like a ***
I gave you answers you desired to know
you only gave insecurities,
making me feel guilty and low.

I begged for our love
admitting my issues with co-dependence
but you laughed at me,
mocked my innocence.

For that I hate you.
I regret you, you *****.
yet you're still that addiction
I have yet to kick.

But know this....

You,
me,
and this feeling,
will be the last scratch
I will allow to itch.

women and girls,
boys nor men
could bring me such glory in such filthy sin.

breathe in
tears out
only freaks know what I'm talking about.

I had no choice
due to my lovers abandonment,
so I found a guilty pleasure that was heaven sent.

we always argue about the same things
you think I'm confused
I think you're deranged.

we always talk about the same stuff
how you're dominant
and want me to be softer, although I was born tough.

why can't we just get along?
I write poetry
and you like songs.

I think I have my answer*

This feeling has spread from
my head to my bed
like cancer.

I keep lying to myself
and breaking more hearts
creating makeshift sparks.

When all alone
you were the only light I ever needed
in the dark.

at darkness
we play games
like husband and wife

I give you heaven
you bring me hell
but I won't dare tell

a few seconds of bliss
I no longer want to be touched
I am now sickened by your kiss

you were no gentleman
but when you see me out
please call me MS.

There is no worse pain
than seeing babies grow
into kids who hardly ever
call your name.

It's hard to compete with the world,
it's glory, it's beauty, it's fame.

Is my generation to blame?

He told me
wine and cigars
won't get me far
I agree,
but it helps minimize the scar.

She told me
I was too confused
and addicted to being used
I agree,
I've grown fond of abuse.

Mom told me,
I quit too much
and can be ungrateful
I agree,
my sadness makes me hateful.

I told me self
quit focusing on others
and fix yourself
I agree,
I don't need nobody else.

a pleasant smile on your face
made me wonder
how sweet you might taste---
passionate poetry inside your mouth
only then would you feel the words
I often speak about.

I wanted to seal the deal
let you know, a dreamer,
that this was real.
I was a angel in flesh
here to give your heart a rest.
Then one day you gave me a test.

You came over,
lust and anxiety on my shoulders
I tried to relax, I inched closer
I touched you nice and slow,
my heartbeat started to grow,
seeing how far I could go
but confidence is something I do not know.

She used to have so much Life is her eyes
but I guess it died, it left with her cries.

She used to fly light as a feather,
but now stormy is her only weather.

She used to play music and dance in the rain,
now she's stiff and numb with pain.

I remember that sweet little face,
please remember her name.

May she rest in peace.
Depression is to blame.

I vow to no longer be used by men,
sacrificing my soul for the sake of sin.

I vow to never again confuse love with ***
gaining nothing, after giving them my best.

I vow to be a woman, no longer a *****,
because my heart and ****** is tired of being sore.

From the sky
I gaze down
trying my best not to cry
I am finally free!
I can finally fly!

From the clouds
I can hear screams sung aloud
I glance down to see
a woman,
a man,
a child.

The woman is heartbroken
the man's shirt is full of sweat and blood,
it's filthy and soaking
the child has tears on his cheeks
confusion and pain slowly running.

I begin to die, as the child starts choking
I too, was in abusive relationship with a man named Life
the sun nor showers would stop him from beating his wife.

He loved me when it began
but he could never get past my affair with sin
then one day God heard my prayer and let me in.
To hell went my husband and boyfriend
I knew it was over.
This was the end.

My heart has broken
a million times before
life has used me up
as it's little *****.

Life has kidnapped my mind
and robbed me of my time
it has silenced my screams
and made me witness ungodly things.

Mother nature has turned me against my neighbor
the father of lies forced me to work, unpaid labor
I laugh now, cry later
my tears and my smile...

*is my offering to my Savoir

I wish when you drank
you could be happy.

I'm afraid when you drink,
because you get snappy.

At first you dance,
then cry because your life is ******.

If you're sad, why shouldn't I be?
after all, you're the woman that had me.

Soon, I cry and drink too,
like mother like daughter, I do what you do.

reject me once
cool,
it was probably my fault.

reject me twice,
hold on,
something is not right.

reject me three/ times the charm
you'll regret it sugar.
I'll make you wish you were never born.

I remember you hugging me
as I inhaled the scent of masculine cologne
you didn't want to leave
and I did not want to sleep alone.

I remember you making me laugh
as I held my stomach like a small child
I wanted that moment forever
my cheeks hurt afterwards for a long while.

I remember you calling me 100 times a day
checking on me no matter how close,
no matter how far away,
you pleasured me often, I always wanted to stay.

but adolescent rules I had to obey.
a child I was and what we were doing seemed okay.
Now at night I think of you all,
rain in my heart, in my puddle of memories

I drown in our sorrow, I hopelessly lay.

my last crush was a Virgo,
no Angel but you gave me wings,
no musician but when you spoke,
I heart the sweetest birds sing.

You gave me hope,
to be who I was,
confused, deranged, and all
5'4 but you made me feel tall.

Then I got all crazy as I usually get
and you said enough,
you said that was it.
And like those before you...

you gave up on me,
you quit!
Now I'm like a ****** addict
when I think of you, I itch.

I wanted to see you smile a little more bit,
kisses, gifts, and picnics
at the park, romance and silly sh^t
it never happened, it was never meant.

It's all over because you're
a selfish little b^tch!
Cheers to you A-Hole,
and your zero tolerance temperament.

I had one chance
and I blew it.

You wouldn't look at me,
it was over, I knew this.

you ignored me and I wanted to cry
another lost lover, another goodbye.

I **** up often and don't know why.
you wished me well with life,

but without you, I may as well die.

she will always be gone,
by your side, but alone.

she will always stray,
always searching for a better day.

she will always leave
so cherish her now please.

she will remember you the most,
love her now, or haunted will be her ghost.

it's like being that kid
at a candy store
they smile at me,
I flirt more
flatter them until
my mouth is sore.

it's like hide in seek
in the dark
not knowing whether you'll find
a teddy bear or shark
afraid is my heart.

I keep driving down dead ends
I keep swimming in sin,
I keep seeking out men,
yet I find no one, nothing,
not even a friend.

I wanted you close
but I pushed you away.

I wanted you forever
but you didn't stay.

I wanted to love you,
but broke your heart.

I warned you I was trouble from the start.

I wanted this love to never end
but it was over, before it began.

The things I desired most
were nothing but a joke.

For you to accept my faulty love was my only hope.

I am a  ******* child
make the men say ooh,
and the women wow.

I could even make the devil smile.

I was once God's child
but I've ran away,
lost my way.

I was a better person yesterday.

My emotions are mild
my feelings are wild,
I say nothing, but my presence is loud.

I too, can make the devil smile.

I met a new man
he left a run in the seam
of my knee highs

he's a good guy
keeps me warm and cozy inside
he thinks it's cute when I'm mad

he's tall, dark, and handsome!
I've even given him the house key
I call him Jim, others call him whiskey.

abandonment sleeps alone in my heart
but only a few inches away are we apart.

my heart beats sickly
it was ill from the very start.

with each breath it thumps
in my throat are lumps.

butterflies choke me as I try to speak
out the corner of my eye, I peek.

waiting for you to kiss me makes me want to hurl,
because I talk big, but I am still a shy little girl.

But bad boys, lust, and love,
are my only sins in this dark lonely world.

at night the pills hit me
like the wreck of train.

I smile, I recall your face
high as hell, but I remember your name.

I replay your sweet voice,
in my chaotic brain.

love is life for me,
but for you it's just a game.

no, it's not healthy
but it's keeping me sane.

Drinks at day,
pills at night.

it's all that gives me peace,
with them I don't have to fight.

Today I had three dates.

One was pretty,
the other needy,
the last greedy.

I did not get to see any.

I am not sure if I have any love left in me.
So, until then I am going to stay away.
But soon my lovers, I'll have more lies to tell, more flattery to say.

my nostrils burn
with the scent of poison

poison that burns my lips
and my lungs...

I only want peace.
I only want fun.

I pray. I stretch...
all that inner peace mess,
still nothing.

Now my insides are burning,
burning from the smoke I inhale
cigarettes are a taste of hell.

I feel myself growing small
as my problems shrink into the
darkness of my pitiful soul,

drowning away s    l   o    w   l    y    by this alcohol.

At night I'm filled with dread
morning comes and I refuse to leave my bed.
The world is crazy
but danger lives in my head.
I'm afraid of life,
but terrified of the thought of being dead.
This cycle of no peace
is really getting to me.
If my savoir can't help,
neither can this **** poetry.

I'm such a mess.
I'm no and I'm yes.

up and down.
nowhere but all around.

good and bad,
sometimes happy but mostly sad.

alive and dead.
there is so much madness in my head.

here I come and go,
ready or not,
get ready for a freak show!

Today I got a tattoo,
it reminded me of you.

It hurt like hell,
made me cry,
sadness swelled up in my right eye.

I like things that are bad for me I wonder why?

But it's very beautiful, so now I'm happy,
although at first the feeling was really ******.

I keep my feelings stored.
working on myself is a filthy chore.

I keep my truths hidden.
but who am I kidding?

you put me in timeout
now our love is forbidden.

I placed my ***** laundry,
with your pure linen.

Now you hate me,
will I ever be forgiven?

I let you go,
to only want you back.

I fell in love,
to only break your heart.

But I was the only one broken from the start.

I fed you sweet nothings,
to feel like I was really something.

Now I'm stuck with lonely tears,
from my own stinky onion.

I miss your presence,
but most of all I miss your loving.

I feel like Taylor Swift
I only fall in love
to break up.

I fell like Adele
broken hearted
damning my exes to hell.

I feel like Sam Smith
**** and alone
even in a relationship I don't belong.

I feel like Katy Perry
sometimes I wanna kiss a girl
or maybe, a man I'll marry!

I feel like a hopeless romantic
it makes me Lana Del Rey sick.

I'm a hot *** mess,
I'm Britney *****!

If these four walls could talk
they would tell secrets unknown.
my truth will be told
my cover blown.

If these four walls could see
they too would judge me.
I would be ostracized
they would contribute to my misery.

If these four walls could smell,
they would choke on the smoke that is my hell.
hell in my heart, I have little peace
besides a stranger loving me between the sheets.

If these four walls could touch,
I would not desire intimacy as much.
They could hold me and hug my weary soul,
for they would have empathy...

*and know that love is my only goal.

Today I was called sick,
I did not get mad,
didn't even flinch.

For it was true.

I am a sinner,
devilish from many angels
I never pleaded to be an angel
just a damaged poet
and most know it.

I sometimes indulge in deviant behaviors
like ***, drugs, and Rihanna
I hope for Heaven and not hell
but I accept my wrong, your honor!

I am sick, this is true
but those who judge,
who the **** are you?

Today I gave my crush a flower,
because no one has ever done it for me.

But it shrank from the summer heat,
it fried in my back seat.

The rose was pink,
how my heart use to be.

Now it's black
burnt from fury.

I was once a romantic,
but now I just want somebody to go to bed with.

past  midnight
my body and soul at fight

1am
I realize how sick I am

at 2
I fantasize about sexing you

at 3
I imagine things you can do to me

at 4
I'm still not sleep
still not bored

at five
I close my eyes

6am til 11
wet dreams appear
too explicit for Heaven

at 12 I'm up and about
licking my lips
hoping this day I can taste your mouth.