Truth is.....

Since I was a child
a certain image has appeared in my mind
a guilty pleasure
a favorite pastime

Something so bitter yet sweet
a game of trick and treat
a forbidden fruit
I've always wanted to eat

It has never escaped me,
an original sin
that I've masked with many men
in my rainbow colored heart,

........Is where this secret has always been
from the very start.

Brown eyes as big
as my heart

I wanted you from the
very start

but I maintained
and stayed in my lane

but when you spoke
I never heard a word you were saying

You may have guessed,
I'm a mess, obsessed with love & ***

I'm a little weird
I might need a shrink

when I'm around you
I never even blink

even when my knees grow weak
that face of yours
is the only help I'll seek.

who are you?

I search the darkness of my mind
memories over time
depths of the deep sea blue

I have no clue.

I am blind
and do not see
the girl in the mirror
who stares back at me.

I am not she.

on my tombstone
it shall read
a stranger
who was everything people
wanted her to be.

Even in death,
that is not me.

Uncertainty has become my enemy,
insecurity I wore until the end----- beautifully.

Excuse me while I make love to you with the lights on
we slow dance to your favorite song
I admire your perfume that I inhale in my nose
as I melt from your body heat
as I pull you close.

You inch closer for a kiss
I try to relax, body tense
This is merely imagination,
but the thought alone
had my heart racing.

First, I fall in love with your smile.

Next, you will fall in love with me.

But, love me while you can.

Because I will always leave.

it's not easy being me.
filled with anxiety.

it's not fun being me.
forever lonely.

it's not pretty being me.
especially the person I see.

it's not easy,
but it's my responsibility.

I've always only been somebody's maybe,

never anyone's baby.

To others I've always been a mysterious lady,

they don't know I'm really cRaZy.

I've always been good at masking my sadness,

Now I seem really angry.

Once little miss sunshine,

Now I'm cold, they call me Shady.

In a moment of weakness,

I flashed my true colors

it *****, because it really hurt my mother.

I fell in love with the light in your eyes

I'm dead and dark inside
my heart is not warm blooded
but cold, with icy cries
lonely tears, that your love
did not protect against my fears
because you didn't have the time
and I didn't have the years

now I sit in a dim corner
half past midnight
reminiscing the lover I lost
the thief of light

I look in the crowd
looking for someone to blame
in the distance I hear my name.

I look in my puddle of tears
drowning out the picture of who I should be
but in that mirror,
something shocking I see:
A  sad girl whose made bad choices in life
pointing the finger right at ME.

I wanted you
and hoped you wanted me too.

late nights imagining things I could do
to make you say hmmm, or maybe ooh

there was an inferno between my thighs
my volcano erupted into lava cries

when it was all over

I slept in that puddle of
rejection and ash

hoping this lonely hell
would not forever last.

monster in her eyes
melody in her cries
magic in her fears
madness in her ears
mute in her lips
music in her hips
man in her bed
mistakes is what she dreads

fathers day came
and I needed someone to blame
for my failed relationships
and my addiction to pain
all the men who were too blind to see!
my helpless, hopeless,
tragic beauty
beginning with the rejection from you dad-dy.

the only things I'm good at is
poetry
and making people smile!

But oh how my soul hurts at night

because I have yet to find
anyone to stay with me
a longer while....

I suffer in silence
I silence my tears
my tears choke my breath
the pain hurts like death
because I'm dying
and there is no one to help

How does one carry on,
when her strenght is gone?
I want to return home
but heaven has no phone
so I live another day---and die
praying to my deaf father
with my mute cries.

A million times a day
I sit on the bridge, over the bay
asking what if life is just some sick game?
then I hear a voice saying
"Why don't you stop playing?"

No matter how much I clean
I can't escape this filth
this dirt, this blackness...

this sin that is me
I swam a million miles
and even tried to cross the red sea,
it washed away my hope
of who I could be...

I crawl out my skin
to have it only grow back
darker, stronger, more black
more sin...

it chokes my soul
when it returns,
"Where have you been?"
I lie, telling it "No where,
I could never leave you my friend."

the old ladies told me
I can't rush love
just sit and wait
little do they know,
my love has a expiration date.

the more I wait, the more
my heart grows overweight
with bitterness and hate
for God's sake!

I won't be young and pretty forever
the time is now!
--------or never
stupid cupid
thinking he's so freaking clever.

I've tried
tried, tried
and now
I'm tired.

my heart
is under attack
because no one
seems to love me back.

now I'm left with this
this youthful body
and this pretty sad face
in this empty place.

guess I'm left
to love myself
***** anyone else.

tear down my wall
boldly stand tall
give me confidence
because I feel so small.

tie back my hands
and gag my mouth
no screams, no shouts
tell me the things you think about.

build up my heart
break down my will
beat me until I'm still,
show me how love feels.

I have not been good at love
or showing emotion
but, I would like to swim with the tears
of your sweet deep ocean.

please do brag
I enjoy boasting
my *** is like a breeze
that will leave  you coasting.

I feel your heat
body roasting
cheers to us;
bodies toasting!

let me clear my throat
you find the lotion
watch me stretch it out
in a familiar motion.

wet dreams are made of you;
a beautiful lie
an imagination
that I wish to make true.

please tell you need me
even if it's a lie.

tell me your adore my personality
although I can be shy.

tell you'll be there
until the day I die.

tell me you believe in love at first sight
because you had me at "hi".

love is
something about you
promises I want to make true
come closer
let me show what I can do
like treat you right
tell me, could I be your wife?
cook, clean, please you in many ways
laugh at the cute stuff you say
if not, I'll still be loving you
forever and a day.

My highs are high, but my lows are extremely low**

The older I grow
the less I know.

The more I travel
more places I desire to go.

The more they reject me
the more love I show.

those pretty smiles tells me yes,
now there's no way I can say no.

I guess I can be their **** fool,
just one time mo'.

Is there a heaven
for someone as messed up as me

I hope pass my sins,
worries, and excuses

God will recognize the angel
that dwells within me

because hell is much to harsh
for such a delicate soul

I would not survive,

this I know.

I've been this way for so long
I never knew it was wrong
nobody cared,
concerns were not shared
so a ***** up I became,
But now I'm older
worries of my reputation,
trying to give some deep meaning to my name
while trying to master this ******* life game
even then still, I'm such a freaking mess!
I'm such a sad shame.

*** teaser
people pleaser

mind reader
secret keeper

man leaper
grim reaper

floor creeper
little sleeper

dark shades to hide the pain

bright clothes to cover her woes

big personality to hide shes unhappy

drugs to soothe her feeling of ******

how miserable this girl is but,

life is nothing more than an acting biz

wonder how he's doing,
whose he *******?
is she prettier?
does she make him smile?
are they known around town?
does she make him frown,
like I did, way back when he was all mine?
what we were doing seemed fine
thought we would age together like the best wine
but we ran out of time
and that bottle broke!
our memories scattered the floor
leaving nothing but a joke.

right out the tub
fresh and clean
ready to be seen

pretty lonely girl
perfumed body
ready to get naughty

ready for love
ready for pain
ready for anybody

all dressed up
stain glass windows
with nowhere to go

I always thought when I found true love
my problems would go away
so I accumulated crushes
but the problems kept coming day by day
the issues never left
and those lovers never stayed
maybe I've been doing this love thing the wrong way
but I'll keep at love
because being broken is never okay.

Cigarettes,

cancer is realer
than a white skinny killer
they are not a joke
they burn her throat
guess she likes to choke.

Life slips away with every puff
every ****,
but she give no f*
she happily tastes death
in every breathe.

I have this sick feeling
in the darkness of my soul
something so tempting
yet something so wrong.

I've tried to run, but nowhere I've gone
in years my body has grown
yet I'm still a confused little girl
alone in a big empty home.

Lust I have sown
my flesh is weak
but my will is strong
evil is all I have known.

One day it may win,
or at least for a while.
For now I plead the fifth
until my due trial...

the death of a artist
is as mysterious as
Mona Lisa's smile
they rise against
life leaving many
wondering how?
misunderstood while alive
praised in death as their admirers
beautifully cry.

I'm afraid
But you'll never know.

I'm not happy
But it'll never show.

I wish you'd runaway with me
But you'll never go.

Today you will get this letter
Although I wrote it years ago.

I give,
Even when I have not.

I go,
Even when tired
I never stop.

I appear brave,
But I'm afraid alot.

At times I want to end it all
but, I better not.

At 24,
There are no knocks at my door
But still I stay
Afraid to go...

Cupid is coming soon,
This I know.

At 22,
I broke my own heart
Ended an affair
That was never meant to start.

Cupid please,
I hate this part.

Age is steadily approaching
my heart is steadily closing
Desire is a hourglass
And my true love is very last.

And I remember being in your home
In your bed
Insecure thoughts
ran through my head...

Like, do you love me?
Do you really care?
Satisfaction and pleasure
I could not share...

I knew I shouldn't have been there
I had the answers
And the truth hurt
But it was too late to go...

I had already dropped my skirt.
Yearning to belong but still alone
And repeating the same old heartbreak  song...

I think it's funny
that you think no one notices you.

I Bet it would make you smile,
to know that I do.

Every morning, day, and afternoon
and that's not it....

I hope to introduce myself to you very soon.

One girls trash is anothers treasure
I should have loved him better

Now he has a new girl and baby
I still have baggage, bag lady

Now my chest hurts, heart attack
This is the worse payback.

You left a child alone
First she felt weak
But now she's strong

So fragile as any child
Anger grew in her a long while
I recognize her pained smile

You left me alone
For far too long
My demons have grown

That innocent child is gone.

I try so hard to reach the hot pits of my soul

Where passion, pleasure, and pain go

My inner secrets and fears I deserve to know

But every chance I get, I ignorantly blow...

I want to stare into your eyes
Until I go blind...

Blinded by the light
That is love.

A love so deep
I can never reach the end with my feet...

Atlas, I want to kiss your lips
Everywhere you go, you take my scent...

Feel these words to see what my heart meant...

Our silence solidified our love.
I was afraid,
You were angry,
We knew not each other...
Although I was your daughter
And you were my father.

We argue,
And I say the meanest things.

Angels cry,
Demons sing.

I always apologize,
And willingly accept your lies.

They all want my love,
But I don't have the time.

They think of me often,
But money is on my mind.

They think they know me,
But I am a very rare kind.

Libra is my sign,
So read between the lines.

And I hope to see you before I go,

I have secrets and some you should know.

Like this feeling I had that began to grow,

weighed my heart down quick, sinking it slow.

So, must see you before I go...

if I don't my life will reach an all time low.