You make me nervous in the best way
I'm crazy about you
But I know I'm not supposed to say

We could be best friends
Stay up all night to talk about everything
From string theory to your first ever heartbreak

And it's not romantic in a traditional sense
But there are a million things I want you to know about me
And stories I want to hear you tell

We could take a walk around our home towns through memories
And baggage we try to block out

I could let you in as if it doesn't terrify me
That someone could see all the broken parts
Faded bruises and history

Maybe I could be fragile and you'd still be kind
But it doesn't matter because we never really put our hearts on the line

It's just a small break from reality
A simple little victory

She's probably beautiful
Soft and kind in the way I want to be
She remembers all the details
All your shared history

Its real from the paperwork on the coffee table
to the arguments on the worst days
The tiny things you forget to say

Even when it's difficult she makes it look easy
A world away from who I tend to be

Maybe it's simple to love her
No sharp edges
And second guessing

Maybe she doesn't flinch when you touch her
Or get swallowed up by anxiety

Maybe it's all exactly how it's supposed to be

Is love ping pong text conversations
fizzling out with a ghost

Swiping right on generic holiday photos
of someone who you'll know for a Friday night
forgotten by the long drive home

Waiting on a response
that'll never come lost somewhere in the postal system
and politics of blue tick marks

What happened to wondering what we'd done right to have met on the central line
as if for once the universe had aligned
under stars and city lights

What happened to being so smitten it hurt
on the back streets walking home
when it felt like you'd never let go

Your voice on the other side of the line
at three am because you realised I was the one
and I just had to know

I'll never be 21 with anyone else

There will be no other voice on the other end of the phone after that time I got fired
or holding me close after I tanked that exam about the history of the European Union

No one else will be the first person I fell in love with
or the first to let me down

We had our highs
and more than lows than I can count
but it was something spectacular for the years we had

I still think of you every October and the day we first met
How much things have changed

How you're one thing I don't regret

It would hurt if I adored you any more than I do
because this is another page out of the same book

A bad habit of mine
A way to pass the time

But it's true that I'm crazy about you

Sometimes it feels like coming home
the way we talk
as if all hope isn't totally lost

You could never want me as much as I want you
and that's alright

This is just a trust exercise
an attempt at love
by someone far too traumatised

Listening to love songs feels okay these days
No wistful wondering what went wrong
No hangover from waiting to move on

Long gone are the broken memories
of first kisses and that very last fight
Rings on the kitchen table, boxes by the door, suitcases and all

Dust gathers on the photo albums
The love notes faded and folded away
but the words still remain
Etched into jewellery with all the dates

Somehow it feels ok
Learning to let go
Learning to live in a whole new headspace

Do you ever wonder what will be left when we're gone?

Will it be the meeting invites
The spreadsheet that are the final final final draft

The days leaving home in the dark
And returning when it's even darker

Time away from the people we love
The things we want
Ideas of who we'd rather be

Are our lives just passing deadlines?

An endless cycle of things to circle back on
To put a pin in
And take offline

Are we anything but idling as the days pass us by?

I want you to ruin my life
and maybe yours at the same time

I want you to tell me you love me
even if you don't
because for a moment it could be nice
to just be in the wrong

We could sit amongst the rubble
talk about the meaning of it all
as if any of it matters

I want you and I know I shouldn't
I'm just searching for validation
while you look for an exit sign

But, maybe it'd be nice
to set it all on fire and fall for a line

I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

If you lay awake staring at the ceiling at three am
thinking about kisses in the corners of parties
we didn’t want to go to

Walking the long way home as if we don’t feel the cold
dizzy and drunk under street lights and stars
lost somewhere in the city arm in arm

The sound of your voice on the back of my neck
on lazy Sundays when we have no reason to leave the bed

I wonder if any of this would make sense to you

If you romanticise us in the same way I do

You were my entire night sky
Now I drive home in the dark without looking up

The songs that reminded me of you still play on the radio
But I don't think of that summer in the city when I hear them anymore

I fell in love again
And I want to tell you I hate it because it's not the same
It never could be

Seasons change and so did we
I'm better now in some ways but without you feels worse

And I wonder if you feel the same

I'm just a shell

Made up of components that sound pleasing to the ears

Sweet words scribbled on napkins in cafes
Fleeting memories in photographs hidden away

Small enough to keep in your back pocket

Small enough to disappear

Never one to stick around
No reason to stay

Being in love with you feels habitual
Like living with a ghost

Kisses on the corner of Blue Boar Street
Walks in comfortable silence when we both should have just gone home
Coffee breaks to talk about philosophy

Old rituals like old friends

It feels lived in and familiar
In the best and worst way

It feels like I should have learnt from every past mistake I've ever made

I feel like crawling out of my skin
in this unseasonably warm weather
summer night hazes in mid-October
t-shirts and aircon
and everything else that feels wrong
for where we should be
and how far this year’s gone

Falling out of love with you feels like survivors guilt
Like growing pains

Echos of teenage dramatics
Forever etched into the bark of trees long felled

The bittersweet sting of irony

The grass isn't greener
Out in the wilderness with no path to follow
No north star to guide me home

No sense of freedom to speak of
No new day, fresh start, weight lifted

Falling out of love with you feels like the worst thing I've ever done

Thinking about you ***** me up these days
like missed alarms in the morning
watching the train leave
spilling the coffee you really need

It reminds me that the best days have gone
passed by in a baby blue haze
in parks pretending to be absolutely anything
but who we are in reality

It feels like a wake up call at three am
that everlasting love doesn’t exist
in the cold of the city streets  
outside of the movies we used to see

Growing up and growing apart
With nothing to show for it
but a handful of memories of sparks
and stories about how it starts

Now I’m tired and feel old
walking past the street we first kissed
wondering if losing love is romantic
or if there is something I’ve missed

We used to lay by the window looking up at the stars
pressed together on a tiny single bed
listening to the people walking around upstairs
talking about the dreams we had when we were sixteen
and how much the world had changed since then

I used to know everything about you
like you were the back of my hand
just another part of me I couldn't live without
but now I drink the coffee you like and forget the colour of your eyes
and the way your voice sounded when you told me you loved me for the first time

We talk about the weather and our families
pretending we aren't complete strangers
who used to share a love story we thought we'd be telling forever
and maybe it'll hurt less with passing time
that the promises we made turned into lies

It's the fraying nerves listening to passing sirens at three am
a long day spent distracted by the ringing in your ears
the hum of of your heartbeat like an alarm bell when you need sleep
drowning when you just want a moment of peace

A persistent companion,
darling anxiety

I wish I could wax lyrical about you
like I used to
write sonnets about the constellations
above the corner of Hyde Park
where we first met
the ground shaking beneath our feet
and my wine drunk honesty
as if we haven’t aged by a decade of disappointment
waiting on the same lies we tell eachother
falling out of love one letter at a time

It’s strange talking about work and the weather
as if we didn’t spend almost a decade
wrapped up in each other

Somewhere out on the water
talking about forever
as if it was just another Tuesday

You were always trying to teach me how to sail
but I never really listened
still I was in love with your voice
and the way you’d stop to kiss me
when I complained about the cold
till it didn’t matter anymore

Sometimes I wish we’d never come ashore
stayed out there where time didn’t matter
and nothing changed

We could have disappeared over the horizon
into the proverbial sunset
we would have stayed golden

I like traditions
reading the same book on holiday every summer
watching Frasier re-runs with my morning coffee
going to the same restaurant on my birthday
with the same seven friends
meeting at the pub on the corner
for a white wine buzz before heading to the city

Crawling back to you like I do every time
and promising myself I won’t

We are back to sleeping alone
centre of the bed
in places we used to call home

It feels empty
in a way it never did
before you shifted the mattress
before you stole the covers

It feels quiet
without the city on the outside
without you talking in your sleep

It all feels different
and so do I

I know all of your jokes
the stories you tell after a few beers
how your voice sounds at 4am
when you haven’t slept all night
because we had a fight
and you just want to make up

I know that you’re scared
of turning into your father
or coming anywhere close  
but I also know that you won’t

I know the day we met
I knew that I had to know you
but now that’s all gone

Tell people that I broke your heart
that I never loved you,
not really
not properly
not in the way you needed

Tell people I left you high and dry
that I could have stayed
that I could have tried

Tell people you were right
but I hope you can’t sleep at night

Tell people what you need to
but I hope the memories never leave your side

Tell people the lies you tell yourself
but I hope the regrets eat you up inside

I still sleep on the right side of the bed
add sugar to my tea in halves
keep my keys in my coat pocket
with notes of the things you said

I still wonder what you'll think about the mess
and all of these bad habits I have left
because I'm not myself anymore
just a version you kept in your head

I was a little crazy at 19
when we met on the back streets in the city
dancing dizzy through the crowds
when I drank too much
and you told me it didn't mean anything
even when we couldn't stop

I was a little crazy at 19
but the summers counted for something
because I saw you in the sunlight
I saw you
and it made my heart stop
somewhere near Hyde Park
in a moment we'll never get back
and I wouldn't change that

I was a little crazy at 19
in a way we all tend to be
but I miss feeling like I didn't know who I was going to be
or where life would take me
before everything just faded to grey
and wanting anything more became a haze

We talk like strangers
bemoan the weather
the traffic in the city these days

Everything we should say disappears

All the messy feelings
the late night meetings
sharing every detail of our days

In the spaces in between
we forget each of the last ten years
we fade from each other

Is this falling out of love?

We still listen to the same bands
Walk the same streets
And think about the same boys that broke our hearts
When the only thing that mattered was the next class we had
Or who kissed who by the bike sheds

When 3pm was the end of the day
And we lived for every mistake we made
Because it didn't matter that we hated this town
And it didn't matter who we let down
We'd become something bigger than
Just names etched into a desk
And all of the tears shed

We'd love and learn
And forget

The only thing is  
After a decade and some change
After miles away
And time for it all to fade

It's still all the same

It felt like a film

Those rose tinted days in the city
the rush at Liverpool Street
running late on my twenty first birthday
waiting on the circle line
in the cold winter sunshine
I remember coffee in the tiny cafe
when everyone turned to look at us laugh

It felt as if the world made sense
as if we’d found the place we needed to be
tucked away in a corner sharing stories
as if we’d known each other forever
like soul mates made of the same star
I knew I never wanted to leave your side