I cant remember
Who I am
What I've done
Or where I've been
Its too painful
The twist and turns
To swallow whole
Those ashes urned
If im not
Numb
I must be
Dumb
A fly
A crumb
Master of
None
I must be
Insane
With an empty
Brain
A shell of
Pain
Without a
Name

When im anxious
I want to drink
I want to cut my wrists
Release these stressful thoughts
In the form of
Whiskey
and blood

I took some Ativan
Ive been prescribed
longer than a normal person should
Because its a benzo
And that ***** addicting
And I know that
Because I have a nursing degree

But still I think about mixing
The benzo
And the whiskey
With some blood
When im anxious

Because when im anxious
Rational thought
Is a thing in the past
Gasping for air
Feels like choking on glass
I am now physically sick
But my doctor insists
"Its just stress"

When Im anxious
I think about killing myself
But wouldnt that be typical?
Follow in his footsteps.
I can hear the chatter now
"She was never going to make it"
"Why would she do that to herself?"

Is this real?
Or my paranoia?
Because when im anxious
It all feels the same

I think I would die in vain
If I take my life
When im anxious

I cannot breathe

My nostrils caving in on themselves
The sensation of impaling arrows piercing my chest

My body is heavier than it was
A minute ago
When I wasnt thinking
About
My breathing.

Twidling fingers
The twitch of my jaw
Restless legs: a mind of their own

This bed doesnt feel as comfortable
As it did
When I wasnt thinking
About
Relaxing.

"Just breathe"
"Its all in your head"
"Sink into the mattress"
"Dont look at how late it is"

My mind is much louder now
Than it was
When I wasnt thinking
About
My anxiety.

Im deep in the throws of finding myself
Caught in the undertow
Tumbling under the surface
After a wave pushes me down
I cant see what direction is up
And what is down
Theres pressure from all sides
Pushing and pulling
Like children in masks
Waiting for you to choose them
Who am I without a clear path?
Who was I born to be?
Does it even matter?
Thoughts jumble and
Twist into knots
Its impossible to untangle
The truth
But they say the truth will set you free
Am I forever to be
A prisoner of my own indecision?
Of my own lack of insight
Into who i am?
Because it is scary,
Getting lost in the current,
And when I can finally come up for air
I hope it tastes sweeter
Than I remember

Because no one wants to see it.

A phone is a window to the world
Of the past, present, future
Of every mistake
Every accomplishment
Of what to care about
What to hate
While the glass rectangles
Constructed in the rooms around us
Wait for us to take a look
To see a blue jay with green eyes
Or red leaves twirling to the ground
Maybe the pass of an oldsmobile
Or the symphonic down pour of rain
A scene that will undoubtedly be remembered
But the window that sits comfortably in your hand
Doesnt want you to see it
Or feel it
Because then you'll realize
There's a bigger, better window
Outside
Waiting for you

When I met the wise, old man
I asked him the questions
What am I doing now?
What is next?
What is holding me back?
How do I overcome?

What am I doing now?
He showed me fireworks
And fists raised
An envelopement
Strong laughter
A tightly wound cocoon
A smile of a lover
A comfortable chair.

What is next?
The sound of scribling
Paper becoming full
The turn of a page
A burst of tears
An overwhelming achievement

What is holding me back?
A wailing in the rain
A dark,
Lonely room
Closed eyes
Anxious heart
A Comfortable chair

How do I overcome?
Running
Sweating
Sacrificing
Sitting in a chair
Exhaustion

Then I ask the wise, old man
If I will be
A success
And he threw a stick
In the fire
Pointed to the sparks
And held my hand.

Language is so beautiful
So strong
The most powerful thing a person has
Is their words
The ones they speak
The way they say them
When they say them
The ones they keep hidden
Words have the power to change minds
They have the finesse to draw out emotions
They have the ability to flip the world upside down
Or right side up
Words are like candy
They can be sweet
Or sour
They are like the sky
Stormy
Or clear
Words can eat you up from the inside
Or destroy you from the outside
There is nothing more simple yet potent that exists
Words rule the world
So choose yours carefully