I am as blue and sad
As an ocean without life
Swimming in its depths

I am as silent
As a mime on the job

I am as empty
As an old abandoned house
A house that once
Held a family
Now empty

My heart
Now a cold barren place
Was once beating fast
At every touch of his

My skin doesn’t feel the same
My mind doesn’t work the same
My heart doesn’t beat the same
I am not the same

Without him

You’re only 100 miles away
But to me
You couldn’t be farther

s.j.d

As my head was flooded
With the previous nights memories
I groaned
At the bad decisions
At the hangover
At the stranger next to me

"I'll never drink again"
Passed through my lips
Like a broken record

The day grows old
And the same feeling creeps over me
Loneliness
Memories

Night arrives

The next morning
My head is flooded
With bad decisions
Once again

"I'll never drink again"
The record plays on

s.j.d

My poems were about you
Each and every one
Connected to you
In some way

The day I fell out of love
Was the day
The very day
I stopped being a poet

You were my muse
Now I'm left with no inspiration
No tears
No feelings
Nothing

We were a toxic couple
We both knew that
From the beginning

I was destroyed
In every way possible
And your heart
Was crushed

For that
I apologize
I'm sorry

Happy anniversary

s.j.d

Wish this was beer in my hand
Instead of mtn dew
So I could semi attempt
To forget about you

s.j.d

I don't smoke he says
As the lit cigarette dangles from between his lips

I'll never lie to you he promises
With finger crossed behind his back

I love you drifts from his mouth
Before he goes home to his girlfriend

A walking contradictory
A breathing heartbreaker

The only one
Who truly understand who I am

And he is a walking contradictory

s.j.d

Themselves

That's all anyone ever cares about
No I'm not mad..I think I've accepted
That it is human nature

So excuse me
While I go comfort my friends
As I myself fall apart

I don't know how much longer
I can care

I don't even care about myself

And all they care about is

Themselves.

s.j.d

She's one of those girls
He said
One who wears a lot of beads
Beads that stretch to her elbow

And with one look
The look of guilt
Shame
Knowing

He knew
He knew the look on my face
He knew I was like the girl with beads

Panic washed over his ghostly face
Hurt clouded his eyes
Pulling up my sweater sleeve
He saw nothing

A sigh of relief escaped his lips
But he did not realize
..He lifted the wrong sweater sleeve

s.j.d

I have a problem

I crave it
That empty feeling
In my stomach
In my soul

During this manic episode
It occurs to me
That the darkness
Is my home
My home I can't leave

I want to be happy
But my demons have taken over
They make me crave darkness
They make me starve
Physically
Emotionally

s.j.d

My life.
I'm not sure what it should consist of
But I know for sure this is not it

Spiraling into a black abyss
I've realized this is not the future
I had imagined

I can't feel

Empty

My life had ended 4 years ago
And no one seemed to notice
I didn't notice either

I am simply existing
Not living

Existing

s.j.d

I spend my days locked in a haze
Living in a fantasy world
Blocking out reality

Way out
In a dark abyss
Is where my thoughts call home

Joining the real world would simply be pain
Pain of the cruel harsh thing we call life
It's easier this way

I've shut down
Lost in my own creation
Never to be found again

s.j.d

Suicide.

Word *****.

Hypocrite.

Words pour from my mouth
When I learn of the thoughts
Running through his head

I love you
You're worth living
Don't think of suicide

One song
One song 'describing his life'
Triggered my word *****

His turn

Word *****
Pouring form his mouth

I love you
You're beautiful
A lot of fun

One song
Set him off
One song
Turning me into a hypocrite

Realization
Not caring about yourself
Does not mean
You don't care about
The people you love

s.j.d

My wrists and thighs
Tattooed with white stripes

My mind consumed in darkness

My eyes clouded with nothingness..

My wrists and thighs stained red

My mind fading

My eyes rimmed with lack of sleep

Depression.

s.j.d

I can't drown my demons
They know how to swim

I keep putting myself in these situations
My heart can only be broken so many times
Shattered

Over & over

This is a **** poem
I shouldn't have written it

My world is crashing down
Lungs are collapsing
Air is scarce

Drowning

No friends
This is choppy
Rumors
This is my mind

s.j.d

1 AM

Cold
Tired
Alone

1 AM
And I'm writing this
Not sure what I'm feeling
Or am I feeling at all?

1:06 AM
Decision made
I feel empty
Lonely
Hurt

1:08 AM
Going through our messages
His touch
I miss his touch

1:10 AM
I end this
Unsure of whether
I am mad or in love
Or madly in love

s.j.d

I hate him
I hate him
I hate him

He was never in love with me
He doesn't know how to love
Wasted years on him
Five to be exact

Years of feelings
That were never returned
Just lies
In place of them

I'll always be there for you
He said
This isn't the first time he's lied
I shouldn't be surprised

I keep falling back under his spell
Is this what it's like to be in love?

Love bites

I want to hate him
I should hate him
But I can't

s.j.d

And I'm done with writing about you

A hurricane swept through my body
When your name appeared on my phone

One text
Could send me straight to cloud 9

Butterflies gnawing at my insides
I was overcome with feelings

Feelings of joy

12 months later and all I feel is empty
You're gone and I have no one

You tricked me into telling my secrets
And once you heard them..
Just like that you were gone

And I'm done with writing poems about you

s.j.d