I watch the candle flicker
Moonlight streaming through
My open window
A soft breeze dancing along my skin
This is it, I think
What happiness is
This serenity, calming feeling
Where nothing bothers me
And I feel nothing at all

I was wrong.

All I know is the sadness
That claws up through my throat
The screams and wails of my demons
Wanting to release their pain and agony

All I know is anxiety
The scary fact of living
Everything I’ve ever known
Disappearing into oblivion

All I know is heartbreak
The emptiness of my heart
The source of all my sorrows
Everything tearing me apart

No matter what I feel
No one will see
No one will notice
No one will care

A rainbow of emotions
Something everybody knows
A rainbow of emotions
They frolic to and fro

RED(Anger)~
        When you're so mad and can't be happy
        When everything is so upsetting you can barely hold it in
        When everyone's being a *****, and no-one can help
        When life looks at you and laughs

ORANGE(Greed)~
              When nothing can be enough
              When you've gotten so much but still want more
              When mans one weakness takes over you
              When greed bubbles out of you like a chemical reaction

YELLOW(Calm/Tranquility)~
              When you're calm and nothing can disturb you
              When tranquility is all you're mind can think of
              When no one can anger you
              When life seems perfect

GREEN(Sickness)~
            When life's punched you in the face
            When a fever, runny nose, throbbing head take over
            When you're so sick to move
            When you're not even able to think of anything else

BLUE(Sadness)~
          When sadness takes over
          When you cry yourself to sleep over little nothings
          When you don't think anything can get better
          When those who care would do anything to see you smile

INDIGO(Compassion)~
             When you feel compassion for someone or something
             When you'd risk your life to save something else
             When you feel amazing whenever you're near them or it
             When nothing can change how you are

VIOLET(Love)~
            When nothing can change how you feel
            When you'd die for someone's happiness
            When life can never affect you
            When you feel true and total happiness

A rainbow of emotions
They affect you every day
A rainbow of emotions
Only you can make them stay

Once a day
7 days a week
365 days a year
Something goes wrong
In your life

It doesn't matter how small
Or how big it may seem
But at least 1 thing goes wrong
Nothing can redeem

You try and try
But never come up right

No matter how hard you try
One thing always goes wrong in your life

Whether you get into a fight with a friend
Or fail a test
Or get fired from your job
These things scale from 1 to 10

So don't give up hope
Bad things happen to us all
Remember this always
For the years to come

Alive, but not living
Safe, but not really
Happy, but dying
Truthful, but not to myself
Young, but seen too much
Nothing, and no more to be said

Hey y’all! Sorry I haven’t been writing. Been dealing with a lot of home stuff..that I don’t wanna expand on. But, I promise that I’ll get back to writing ASAP. If you still wanna see what I’m up to, you can look me up on youtube. Ashtyn_Lucas 2003 is my name! Thanks so much

Love Ashtyn

Before I met you
Everyone hated me
Suicidal thoughts
Taken over me

Forever alone
Reminded all day
In the worst ways
Everyone would call me
No one would care
Decide I don't matter
So then I met my BEST FRIENDS

inside this box i sit
alone
afraid
but then you arrive
and we're separated
by this box
around me
my oxygen depleting
my soul crumbling
as i watch
you
give
up

Hallo! It's Ash, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to upload anything recently. I've been going through state testing prep work(boooring) so now that I have finished the Math test, I can write this(yay!). So let's answer some basic questions! Also, if you're just reading this on the home page, check out my other poems on my channel! Thanks!

Age: 14
Birth Name: Rylie Ashtyn Lucas
Nickname: Ashtyn( or Ash)
Gender: Female
Grade: 8
Pronouns: She, Her
****** Orientation: Panromantic, Asexual
Best Friend: Maxyyyyyyy (his poem: https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2405991/dear-maxwell/)
Siblings? How Many?: Yes, 5 brothers that I love dearly( except the eldest, he's evil..)
Birthday: December 15th, 2003
Birth Location: Landstuhl, Germany
Coke Or Pepsi: Coke
1 "addiction": Pinterest

Thanks y'all, sorry for not uploading recently. It's been hectic, not just with school, but also a lot of family drama(if you want more info, message me!)

Love ya!-Ash(tyn)

Warning: Bleeped out profanity. Read at your own risk

I would call you "dad"
But I would be ashamed to do so
You cannot stand up for anyone
Fooled into submission by her
That f·cking Satanic b·tch
Who is more irresponsible than I
I am ashamed you ever bed with her
I watch your offspring, wishing to be dead
Now I love your children
They even call me "Mama"
Isn't that alarming?
When they confuse their birthgiver with their sister?
But what would I know
I'm just a young girl
I don't know anything, says you
You overprotect me anyhow
As soon as I can leave, I'll be gone without a trace
Living with my mother, the woman that you hate
That you talk sh·t about, while I am within hearing range
Then act like nothing happened, do you think I am a bafoon?
At least I have the ****** courage
To tell someone to f·ck off
I'm glad I'm nothing like you
So, just f·ck off

You know me like no one else
So I want to make sure you understand my pain
What I'm going through
I love you to heaven and back
From the deepest points in hell
From the bottom of the sea
I love you
You're like a brother to me
Except I trust you with the things
I tell no one else
We laugh
And we cry
And we sing
And we dance
And right now I have realized
That you're the one thing that keeps me alive
I could go years without internet
Without a phone
Or computer
As long as I can see you
Talk to you
Make you smile

You're everything to me
And I don't want to lose you
So please don't shut me out
The way you have been recently
I understand you have a boyfriend
And that he comes first
But please don't forget about me
Ignore me
Make me hurt
Because it does hurt me
Seeing you without me
I might play it off
Say that I'm alright
Act like I don't care
But I'm crying on the inside
You keep me here
On this planet
Alive
Don't forget about me
And don't ever just walk by
Because recently I have felt alone
And out of place
So this comes from the lightness in my soul;
The beating of my heart
All the love I can muster

Don't
       Let
           Me
               Go
Or else I might die

A demon is mean
An Angel is nice

A demon accepts all
An Angel only accepts its own

A demon sees past the rules
An Angel only sees before them

A demon cannot be understood
An Angel has no secrets

A demon can be trusted
An Angel cannot

Why can Angels be trusted?
Because no one is perfect
No one can be fully understood
No one that is "normal" exists

Demons are the human race
The ones that are all around us

Angels don't exist, sorry
Nothing so perfect has ever walked on this earth.

Even though you broke my heart
I know you still think about me all the time
When you're all alone
I know I'm still in your thoughts
I know a part of you wishes you'd never broken my heart and thrown me away
I know when someone says my name
                                  I come to your mind
But for me
Even though you broke my heart
I still love you
When I'm all alone
You're the only thing I think about
And I still sit there wishing
Why
      Can't
             I
              Be
                  Enough
                            For
                                You?

Starting anew,
It’s hard everytime.
When you are alone in the halls,
And have to say goodbye.
To all your friends,
That have been there for you,
And have to make new ones,
To put your trust into.
And then you’ll see them,
That gorgeous girl or guy,
And you’ll stop dead in your tracks,
And feel like you’re about to die.
But then you realise,
That they don’t know you exist,
And you start to fall,
Into an endless pit.
You can only resurface,
With the help of your peers,
And through a lot of ice cream,
And a lot of tears.
Everyday you see them,
And they might see you,
And you’ll always be waiting,
For them to say I love you.

My emotions are like water
Pouring out of a faucet
They sometimes are
Too hot
Too cold
Too much
Too little
And sometimes, they stop altogether

One day you'll find
That life isn't some rhyme
You'll find when you down
You'll fall to the ground

Life will throw you
Around and Around
Against all the doors
That have ever been found

Know that one day
Someone will kick you when you're down
Abuse in the worse ways
That have ever been found

Soon you will see
The lies that you have been told
And the ways you'll find out
Will knock you out cold

Think about you
And no one else
Take a moment to realize
You need to be found

A good friend should be honest and kind

But they shouldn't be afraid

They shouldn't hide



They should always be there for you

Even in your worst moments

Because the best will come eventually

You'll just have to wait for it



A good friend shouldn't be mean to you

Or to anyone you know

They should act like they'd want to be treated

Everywhere they go

For the first time in a while
I woke up with a smile
It was plastered on my face
Almost perfectly placed
Getting my morning routine done
Was for the first time, fun
And I left with that smile
Stuck upon my face

Walking down the street
Making rhythmic sounds with my feet
I finally felt like I belonged
Not a character in some sad song
I talked to people without a problem
Like my anxiety was gone
And I got on the bus with that smile
Stuck upon my face

Walking into school
Something that is normally a blur
Was for the first time exciting
The pull to learn enticing
I couldn't be any better
As I type out each letter
To this ode to a day
Without any dismay
And so I continued my day with that smile
Stuck upon my face

I thought you said you loved me
But i guess i was mistaken
You took everything from me
And left my heart breakin’
Now i am left
Cryin’ myself to sleep
With no here
To help me
Sometimes i try to think
Of what my life would be
If there was never
A “you and me”
I was left for what felt like days
Locked in a place with no key
Thinking if only
There was never a “you and me”
At times like this i feel
That no matter what
Nothing can change the past
No matter what i say, do, or think
This realization came at last
Now i know what it takes to move on
And to finally forget
About everything you did to me
And all that was left unsaid

I don't know
My life is upside down
Blood rushing to my head
Instead of circling all around

I don't know what to do
About the dampening sadness
All I can do is stop feeling
Stop caring

I want to help
There are so many people out there that are more important
That feel like this way for a reason
But not me

I never want to see him again
His smiling eyes
His false emotions
What he used me to do

I want this pain to go away
The suffering to end
But nothing can help me now
Nothing can show me light

From Sadness
To Suffering
To Death
To a final release

I can't stop
I can't
I've tried
But it's consumed me
I won't be the same ever again
But it's okay
No one has noticed anything
No one has cared to tell me that I am slowly changing
No one sees my suffering
No one shows indifference to my shyness
I'm all alone
No one will ever understand

I'm ready for the words you spit
I'm ready for the obscenities you scream
I'm ready for the sadness to overtake me
For the thoughts to take me over

You have no emotion as you yell
You have no reason to say what you do
You yell anyways though
But not loud enough for the neighbors to hear

I am ashamed of you and how you behave
A sorry excuse for a stepmother
Yet you stick around
My mother blind to the way you treat me and my brothers

No matter how hard I try
You always come back
With new reasons to yell
And get into my head

GET OUT
Leave me be
GET OUT
Stop me from my madness

You've caused this
My sanity slipping
Resorting instead to the peace
Of insanity and death

So when people say I don't have it bad
Because I have a roof over my head
At least they don't have to worry about
How much pain they'll be in that night

Pain caused by words
Pain caused by actions
Pain caused by others
Pain caused by myself

How's everyone's 2017 been? 2018 is right around the corner, and I can't wait! Was you guy's 2017's good or bad? Leave me stories to read in the comments and I'll get back to you! Also, don't be afraid to message me @ralucasusa2003@gmail.com and on here as well!

Peace out!
That gay *****

Every day, without fail
My heart beats for you, but to no avail
Youve never looked my way, never cared
Always worried about the way other people stare
So I sit in the back of the room
Broken, dying, vying to be with you
The lights are dimming on the outskirts of my vision
Why was I the one given this mission?
I take out my anger and saddness in ways
That honestly no one would be able to name
I cry in bathrooms, pound on walls
Scream in silence, drown them all
All the feelings I felt for you
Died fighting for breath in the pool that is you
So I sit in silence at the back of the room
Numb to it all, unknown to you
Its funny (not really) how emotions work
That as soon as you notice me, ive already been hurt
Your feelings for me are unreceprocated now
Well, it ***** to be you, feel my pain now.

Confined to the walls of my room
Bandana around my neck
I try to remember the good things in life
I want to stay out of my own head
Nothing in life is free
Not even the air we breathe
It's tainted with diseases
But we breathe anyway
We endure the screams of alcoholic fathers
We cry ourselves to sleep at night
We convince ourselves that we're alright
And never seek help from others

We are the broken ones
We endure our pain and suffering
We remember the things worth remembering

We are the depressed ones
We see knives as toys
We don't know the difference between light and dark

We are hurt, and some of us can't be saved

Who am I really
What am I doing
Where do I belong
When should I care
Why am I here...

what would you do
if you breath was stolen
and not in a good way?

what would your last words be
if a gun was against your head
and you couldn't breathe?

what would you say
before the water went into your lungs
and you only had seconds to live?

what would you do
what would you say
if you couldn't breathe anymore?

if the air became poison
and you couldn't breathe
all you could do was watch your family
fall one by one?

its gotten to the point to where
i dont know who i am anymore
i constantly fell like im on the verge
of breaking down
i feel like im going crazy
and my mind is an ocean
and my thoughts are a tsunami
i cant sleep
i cant concentrate
i cant even think straight

i
am
     a
       mess

im coming apart at the seams
and its scaring me

If only you'd listen
If only you'd stay
If only you'd keep me
And my sadness at bay
If only you'd see
If only you'd hear
If only you'd understand
I'm right here
If only you'd notice
If only you cared
If only you realized
That my life can be spared
If only I could see
If only I could care
To notice what you're doing
And how much you truly care

i've seen you    a   d
                       r       n
                         o  u
staring me d
                 o
                w
                n
talking ****  b e h i n d  my back
about  e v e r y t h i n g  i lack  
after all youve d o n e    
some might s   a   y youve w   o   n
                                    p        
even though i g a v e u

Sometimes, I don't have that much self confidence,
And it's those times that you pull through
You're always there for me
And I try my best to be there for you.
You sometimes don't feel happy with yourself,
And it's those times that i feel like,
I have just realized,
That you're more of a brother to me
Than I ever thought before
And right then and there
I try to pull through.
I never want to lose you
Because I love you.

Emotionally- I'm done

Mentally- I'm drained

Spiritually- I'm dead

Physically- I smile

We used to be so close,
but now you're hard to see.
I don't know why you're doing this,
but you're running away from me.
Each word you withhold,
pulls us apart a mile.
Every moment we're apart,
Lowers our attraction percentile.
I know you don't mean it,
and I've been giving you space.
But it hurts me so much,
to see our attraction erase.
I've been silent for a long time,
enough to open the floodgates of my eyes.
Time is not our friend,
so we must discuss this, in the end.

Have you thought to check up on me?
Have you thought about me?
Have you left your own head?
Or are you leaving me for dead?

Life’s crazy, huh?
Full of false accusations
Just because you feel something doesn’t mean you’ll act on it
Sometimes it’s better to shove emotions into the darkest place in your mind

I hope for the best but expect the worst
Am I a realist?
Or depressed?
Or just seeking attention?

All things considered, I shouldn’t be here
My mother should have aborted me and lived her life
But now she has me
Gods, I’ve caused her so much pain

One of these days, I’ll have to courage
To cut slightly too deep
To jump off the ledge
To pull the trigger

But for now, I take my anger and emptiness out on my flesh
Gray creating red
Moonlight shining through my window
As I hide what I’ve done

It’s not like I’m ashamed
I just don’t want to disappoint them
Everyone thinks so highly of me
It’d be best if I just disappeared

Like I never existed

The red stains my clothes as it soaks through
Creating wet spots on a black surface
Wearing dark colors hides the blood
Hides my true emotions

My true intentions.

Waking up
With your head roaring
Don't know what to think
Don't know what's happening

Life almost gone
Almost taken away
Gone with the wind
So to say

Don't waste what you have
Because one day you'll think
That you wasted too much time
And you shouldn't of let yourself sink

Neverending darkness
Isn't something you want
Always not knowing
Whether you're alive.

Don't let this be you
Don't waste all your time
Because life is really short
And you want to live right