There was this guy Bart that I met in Prague,
Told me his girlfriend lived down in a bog.
“She’s big and she’s green, with long yellow fangs,
And seaweed hangs off of her head like green bangs.

The first time I met her she bit off my hand, and spit it out next to me into the sand.
The next time I met her, this guy Bart he said,
“If she bites you again, I’ll cut off her head.”

Well this time she bit off my leg, and she even ate Bart,
That’s when I decided that I had to start,
Thinking of ways to get rid of this creature,
So I hobbled to town to talk to the preacher.

“It’s love that it need!” he beamed at me,
“Just show it some love, and then you’ll see.”
So to the bog I went with love to share,
Bart’s girlfriend came out, and greeted me with a stare.

I shouted at her, “I came to share love!”
And offered her the preacher’s precious white dove.
Well she snatched up the dove, broke it in two,
Threw it aside and said “Now onto you!”

I turned to run as fast as I could,
But was bitten in half like an old piece of wood.
My final thought before I had died,
Was that love had solved nothing, the preacher had lied.

“Stop picking on me, please, just leave me alone;
I’ve done nothing to you, I’m just trying to go home.
You might think it’s funny, the kind of clothes I wear,
But I don’t understand why you would even care.

So what if I wear thick glasses because I need help to see,
Because I see clearly you’re someone I hope I’ll never be.
Every time you call me ‘stupid,’ that really hurts me too,
Trust me, you would feel the same if it was said to you.

I might be small and might be weak but that is no excuse,
My body size is something that I just did not choose.
I know I like to spend recess escaping into my books,
It’s unfair that when I try to smile you give me ***** looks.

The bruises on my arm you gave still are black and blue,
I really wish you could see yourself through my point-of-view.
School is a place that I should be able to learn and have fun,
But you took that joy away from me and now I’m left with none.

I don’t have many friends and I feel I don’t fit in,
My whole life I’ve fought a losing battle and for once I’d like to win.

My home life is very hard, and my parents fight each day,
They tell me they don’t love me and they wished I’d go away.
I have nobody I can talk to, and it makes my cry at night,
I hoped school could pull me from my darkness and finally show me light.

So please, I beg you, leave me be, I feel fragile and distraught,
Because you don’t know a thing about the battles that I’ve fought.”

Dear fear,

You don’t scare me, I embrace you.
I have the courage to stand up and face you.
I look you in the eye, breathe you in and taste you.
And I hate the taste, no wonder people wanna spit you out and waste you!

I’m smarter and braver and better; holding you deep inside, I have no place to.
If you decide to run away, trust me, I won’t chase you.
I’ll wave my hand high, as you disappear over the horizon.

sincerely yours,
Ryan

O Toro, my Toro!
You bring me no sorrow!
Just you on a plate,
O my taste buds can’t wait!

Atop a small mound of rice is where you beautifully sit perched,
I know that my whole life it was for you that I’ve searched!
The light dances off of your gentle pink hue like a star,
A phosphorescent culinary delight is what you are.

I embrace you with chopsticks, eyes closed, and place you on my tongue;
And your flavor love-making that proceeds keeps me feeling young.

You’re creamy and buttery in all the right places!
You ended up here with me only by God’s good graces.
Onto my tongue melts your morsels of fat,
Rich decadence coats my mouth and my inhibitions go flat.

I can’t ever get enough; I want more, I need more!
Your soft savory texture hugs my mouth and warms my core.
I swallow you wearing a smile unlike any I’ve worn before,
Your gentle ocean tuna taste lingers and leaves me wanting more

O Toro, my Toro;
You leave me and my appetite so Zen,
And I’ll be dwelling in our memories until we meet again.

There was a young lad, whose name was Ben,
And he had the worst gas of all of his friends,
Every time he’d cut the cheese,
He’d bring them pleading to their knees.

“Please Ben, be a friend, and go seek some help,
For your gas is so potent that even the skunks yelp!”

Well Ben sat and thought for a second,
I’ll just break wind into a jar he reckoned.
Ill twist off the lid and plug up my ***,
And fill the jar with my putrid gas.

For weeks and weeks he collected his farts,
Til the air inside the jar was thick and dark.
He placed the old jar on top of his shelf,
I’ll get rid of you tomorrow, he said to himself.

Well something happened that night, and Ben’s life was taken,
When a violent storm left the whole house shaken.
The jar that Ben placed on his shelf with such care,
Had fallen, releasing his gas into the air.

Ben proceeded to suffocate slowly but steadily,
A victim of a crime that was silent but deadly.

I knew a girl named Holly Wood who was unfaithful to the core,
And a drug addict always looking for new pills to score.
Her makeup was always smeared and she was way too thin,
And she had too much plastic surgery done to all her skin.

She’d come knocking on my door almost every day,
And she always had the same old pathetic thing to say:

“If you come with me I’ll make you famous, I’m the best around,
We’ll make tons of money and I promise you’ll be the happiest guy in town.
Just take my hand and trust in me, don’t you want this wealth?
Fancy cars, and pretty women, it’ll be good for your health.”

Holly Wood was full of lies, she never said anything true,
When it came to attention there wasn’t a thing Holly Wood wouldn’t do.
She sacrificed all her values for any chance at fame,
But had no idea all these actions were tarnishing her name.

She was chewed up and spit out by all of those around her,
She had nobody in her life that was kind enough to ground her.
She let drugs take hold of her and could no longer could find work,
She was forced to settle for a low paying job as a boring front desk clerk.

A week later she overdosed on pills in an old motel,
Her glamorous life had slipped away, and it was time for her farewell.
None of her “friends” cared at all, they’d find the next big thing,
And fill them all with false promises dangled on a string.

I knew a girl named Holly Wood, whose search for fame was her demise,
But knowing how she lived her life it’s really no surprise.

“Life was easier when I was young.” Was what my grandma used to say,
“We didn’t have all the problems that people have today.
All of this technology, it helps clutter our mind,
Without it we’d be much less stressed I think that you would find.”

I never used to understand how she could think that’s true,
It’s obvious computers have made life easier for me and you!
Just look around at all the incredible things available to man,
The most powerful technology that can fit in the palm of your hand!

We have Email, and iPods, and TV you can record!
We have every kind of website to peruse if you’re bored!
We have Netflix, and GPS, and don’t forget Smartphones,
And we can do all our shopping with a mouse click in our homes!

Things have gotten so convenient that it’s so hard for me to know,
How somebody could think life was easier many years ago.
But as I grow older, I now slowly begin to see,
The difficulties that were also invented along with technology.

We now have cybercrime, which poses a very real threat,
Credit card information gets stolen and you can be crippled with debt.
And all your personal information sits vulnerable on your home computer,
Hackers can easily break in and take it like a cybernetic looter.

There are too many channels on TV you feel like your mind could drown,
And people in the ‘50’s never had their DVR break down.

People had only one phone at home; no cellphones at all;
Nowadays, I hate that anyone at any time can give my cellphone a call.
We have an entire of world of problems that we never had before,
And with the pace that society is moving they’re impossible to ignore.

As I get older, all this convenience slowly seems less grand,
And when I think of what my grandma said, I finally understand.

I wish that you had told me the inner pain you felt,
And fully understood the pain that your decision dealt.
You hid your secret deep down inside and unfortunately hid it well,
Nothing seemed to bother you as far as I could tell.

At soccer practice you always had a warmth about your face,
It seemed like to the rest of the team you were in a stable place.
We always went to movies and hung around the mall,
I never thought a confident guy could have self-esteem so small.

Behind your eyes lied a hurt that I can’t comprehend,
So much so that you decided that life was yours to end.
We were supposed to meet at school the day your mother found you dead,
I thought that maybe you got sick so you stayed home instead.

During lunch I texted you but I didn’t get an answer,
I never thought it was because of this self-loathing cancer.
And I still didn’t believe it when I heard, I knew it was a lie;
Some people might **** themselves but you weren’t that guy.

It wasn’t until your funeral that it finally hit me like a brick,
I could still see the bruising around your neck and I wanted to be sick.
It’s like you hit the morale of our town head on with a bus,
You may have ended your internal pain but you pawned it off on us.

The night I left the funeral I cried until I had no tears,
You cut short our memories, of which we had many more years.
School seemed bleak, and life seemed cold in the many weeks that followed,
I couldn’t stop thinking of the depression that you swallowed.

I felt like if I paid more attention I’d notice something wrong,
And see it sitting behind your eyes, humming its sad song.
Wherever your soul now resides, I hope the pains no more,
But know your choice still haunts the residents of this town to the core.

Maybe in another life we’ll be best friends again,
And if you ever relive those awful feelings, you can tell me then.

I begged you not to leave, but you packed your things and did it anyway. After you left, the silence that engulfed the room was the loudest thing I had ever heard.

You make me breakfast, and I’ll make you lunch;
Bring me a flower, and I’ll bring you a bunch.
Walk with me a step, and I’ll travel with you a mile;
Every time you laugh I fall in love with your smile.
Sail in my boat, and I’ll fly in your plane;
You’re like the sunshine that’s dries up my rain.
Write me a letter, and I’ll sing you a song;
We knew our love could never be wrong;
Give me a hug, and I’ll give you a kiss;
Each second I'm with you is nothing but bliss;
Make me a promise, and I’ll swear you an oath;
Give me your hands, and I’ll hold them both.

Meet my dog Peeve.

Please, feel free to pet Peeve.

Also, feel free to talk too loudly and wake up my children,

Feel free to eat the rest of my food without asking,

Feel free to finish the toilet paper roll and not replace it,

Feel free to interrupt me when I’m talking about my summer vacation,

Feel free to listen to loud music while I’m trying to relax,

Feel free to take credit for everybody else’s accomplishments,

Feel free to take everything that anybody’s ever done for you for granted, and continue living a thankless existence, while thinking the world owes you something you’ve never deserved.

But most of all, feel free to pet Peeve.

Here’s an ode to the place that I sleep every night --
My apartment, so small, it can barely fit light.
My bathroom is my kitchen, which is also my bedroom,
And I walk on my knees because there’s a shortage of headroom.

I don’t bring girls home because there’s no room for lovin’,
If we fall off my bed, we’ll end up in the oven.
There’s a cold draft all the time, at least that’s how it feels;
I sleep with my feet out a window, and birds crap on my heels!

I have One Single Light Bulb that dangles over the bed,
And works 10 percent of the time, but it’s usually just dead.
When I cook food I have to make sure that windows are open wide,
Cuz if not, the smoke gets so thick you can’t see inside!

And my smoke alarm is broken, which is actually a good thing,
Cuz if it weren’t, all day long I’d hear that piercing RIIINNGGG!!
My apartment is a disaster! I want back my money!
It’s really depressing even though it sounds funny…

I wanna find the landlord, that cheapskate disgrace,
And in lieu of next month’s rent, give him a slap him across the face.

Put down your **** phone when I’m talking and look me in the eye,
I know you think it’s hard, but you had better try.

All day long you sit with your face buried in that screen,
You do know there’s a whole world around you to be seen?
That world has actual people, and real things happening,
You’re missing out on all the joy that this world can bring.

Your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, all of it can wait;
Social Media cast you a real long line and you took all their bait.
It’s exactly what they want from you, your complete reliance;
So throw them all a curve ball and show them some defiance!

Without them your life’s amazing! Just take a look around!
You’re on this beautiful planet standing here right on the ground!
There’s mountains, parks, and monuments to see, just look at a map;
And to see these you don’t need to download any app!

Instead of living in a chatroom behind your bedroom door,
Take a walk with a close friend; the satisfaction will be more.
You’ve been inundated with all of this technology for too long,
We’re losing connection with nature and it’s starting to feel wrong.

We should use the world’s beauty to give ourselves a rush,
Not spend 500 hours trying to conquer Candy Crush.
And is it so important to video record everything you see?
Just live in and enjoy the moment and trust me, you’ll feel free.

So look up I say! Look all the way up! And throw away the phone,
Learn to reconnect with humanity and don’t become a drone!

I was hungry, so I went to the deli to eat,
And it wasn’t a far walk, just right down the street.
My stomach was excited, as I threw open the door,
But immediately I thought, “This decision was poor.”

Behind the counter stood a man who looked like a freak,
With pockmarks and moles that made my knees weak.
His mouth was a mess and his teeth, long and mangled,
It’s a mystery that they fit, with the way they were angled.

I was uneasy at first, but decided I’d try,
And maybe It’d turn out he wasn’t a bad guy.
I told him I wanted a BLT:
Bacon, lettuce, tomato, and mayo -- really easy.

Well, this guy turned out to be about as smart as a rock,
He proceeded to ruin my sandwich while I stared in shock.
First he grabs the roll, and cuts it in two,
And the two halves were uneven! What’s wrong with you!?

Then he picks up the mayo knife and starts to slather,
And I realize that this guy didn’t even gather
The fact that there’s ketchup all over the knife that he’s using!
I feel like this guy is starting to find this amusing.

Next for the veggies -- the L and T --
Should be simple, but this guy really worried me.
He slaps on the lettuce which is slimy and brown,
This was now a competitor for “Worst Sandwich in Town.”

Time for tomatoes, and I’m feeling scared…
He takes the nasty white end pieces, and throws them on like, “Who cares?”
Then he wraps up the sandwich that he thinks he’s done makin’,
And he hands it to me even though there’s No Bacon!!

So I looked at him straight, and I spoke him these words,
“You can have that back, since it looks as appealing as turds!”

I stormed out the deli feeling nothing but disgust,
And decided that that was the last time I trust
A deli worker who had teeth that didn’t fit his jaw,
And a face that looked like he kissed a bansaw.

Sometimes I hate the whether.
I don’t know whether I should have a salad or eat a steak.
Where’s a meatierologist when you need one?

Timmy the clown was clownin around, then he fell on his head and he died.
Tommy the troll was trollin on by, when he saw poor Timmy and cried.
Tommy picked up Timmy, looked to the sky, and shouted out loud “God, why!?”
“Because clowns are the creepiest things in the world,” God immediately replied.
And Tommy couldn’t argue with that.

To my Mom and Grandma, whom I love so dear,
It’s time to celebrate you on this great day of the year.
To have you both in my life, I truly am so blessed,
Some moms and grandmas might be great, but mine are actually the best.
…
There’s a reason why all our friends call my mother a saint,
She’ll take care of us through good times or bad with never a complaint.
Her sense of empathy astounds me, it’s a very special gift,
She’s always there to show support and give our spirits a lift.
She doesn’t take things for granted and shows amazing gratitude,
We all wish we had the ability to adopt her attitude.
Our road trips and vacations are memories I’ll always keep,
I still dream about them sometimes when I go to sleep.
…
Another blessing we all count is my amazing grandmother,
Her strength and good nature help bring us closer to each other.
She points us in a wholesome direction and gives us all her prayers,
So that when we get to Heaven we’ll have a row of reserved chairs.
I love going to visit grandma because she’ll take good care of me,
She’ll cook her delicious pasta and meatballs because that’s her specialty.
We’ll have a good laugh while we both sit and chat,
And she’ll always remind me if I’m ever being a brat.
…
There’s a good reason why Mother’s Day is a day for celebration,
Because my mother and my grandmother are a winning combination.
They really are two special gifts from the Big Man up above,
And from the bottom of my heart I can’t thank you enough for showering me with love.

The moment you were born was life’s most amazing day,
We welcomed you with open arms; you took our breath away.
At night we’d rock you by the window, looking at the stars,
And we’d feel you tiny heartbeat, and press it against ours.

You’d always sleep in your crib with a smile on your face,
And we knew that our family for you was the perfect place.
Your beautiful eyes stared with wonder and we stared back and smiled,
We were the luckiest parents in the world to have you as our child.

We’d hold your tiny little hands and feel you grab on tight,
And we knew that in your heart you felt that everything was right.
As you got a little older, we’d go on trips to see the world,
And you still slept like a little angel under your blanket curled.

We went fishing and camping and slept under the sky,
We were there to share your laughs and hold you if you cried.
We did everything together; we were best friends for years,
We talked about all our dreams and then shared all our fears.

In your teenage years our friendship started to slowly fade,
School occupied more of your time with every passing grade.
You had girlfriends and parties, and we saw you less and less,
We missed our time together, but we prayed for your success.

When you eventually left for college our home was incomplete,
Our family dinners just weren’t the same without you there to eat.
But in college you were growing up in every single way,
And we could not have been prouder come Graduation Day.

Now that you’re grown up and moved out, we rarely see each other,
Work makes it hard for you to find time for your father and mother.
But as your parents always know we’ll be here til the end,
And we’ll forever have our memories that we spent with our best friend.

What you are about to hear is an interesting story,
But it’s not about goals, feats, or glory.
It’s simply about a man named Ray,
Who discovered quite an unusual talent one day.

You see all his life Ray only ate meat,
He avoided fruits and veggies, and other healthy things to eat.
Until this one day, when Ray was in a bind,
When a bushel of grapes was the only food he could find.

Now he wasn’t a big fruit guy, but he didn’t care,
He felt was hungry as a grizzly bear.
He gobbled the grapes up, fast as could be,
And an hour later went to the bathroom to ***.

While in the bathroom, humming a song,
Ray noticed the color of his ***** was wrong.
It was purple! Not yellow! A strange sight indeed!
For this happened every time Ray ate grapes then peed.

His ***** smelt of red wine, purple and sweet,
So he bottled some up for himself to keep.
Later that night, it dwelled on Rays mind,
If he should taste his *****, to see if it truly was wine.

He poured himself a glass, and a large one at that,
Pulled up a chair, and there he sat,
He was nervous about what was to follow,
But he closed his eyes, took a sip, and swallowed.

And oh, what bliss! It was the best wine he ever tasted.
He promised himself “no more of my ***** will be wasted.”

He figured if he ate grape every day,
He bottle his ***, and make people pay,
for the most delicious wine that they’d ever buy,
It’s risky, he thought, but it’s worth a try.

Ray started his business door to door,
Letting folks sample the wine, and they always wanted more.
At first business was slow, but it picked up real fast,
And he was questioned by every neighbor he asked.

They told him they loved his wine, and they wanted more,
They wanted so much, Ray opened a store.
He sold all of his wine, to policemen and teachers,
He even sold a bottle to one of the preachers.

Business was great, until the month of July,
When a competing winery sent in a spy.
They wanted to steal his secret to success,
So people would say that their wine was the best.

So late one night, while the town was asleep.
The spies went to Ray’s home to sneak a peak.
They peered in his window, and what did they see?
They saw Ray alone, filling wine bottles with ***.

“Oh my god” they exclaimed, “we must tell the town,
The people will be furious, they’ll tear his store down!”

Well the spies were right, and the very next day,
The townspeople approached Ray’s store filled with rage.
“How dare you!” they shouted, and began to throw stones,
Poor Ray was left in his store all alone.

“Get out of our town, and never come back!”
And with that they burned his store til the wood was charred and black.
So Ray left town, quickly and sadly,
For his wine business had backfired very badly.
Is this the end of Ray? No way in hell,
Because he’s just arrived in your town, and he’s got some delicious wine to sell.

“What’s the meaning of life?” Is a question we ask,
But finding the answer is no simple task.
Everyone’s here for a reason on our great Mother Earth,
Until the day they die and from the moment of birth.

This is the story of a journey I took,
That forever changed for me how the universe looked.
My entire concept of this physical world,
Was shattered while I saw infinity unfurled.

It all starts with the chemical known as DMT,
I had heard rumors that it could set your soul free.
Needless to say it had my intrigue,
I’d tried LSD and Psilocybin, but this was in a different league.

I did some research and learned that you can smoke it,
That apparently was the easiest way to invoke it.
By chance DMT had found me a few weeks later,
And left a huge dent in my soul like a crater.

I had a glass pipe and the DMT at hand,
It was a fine beige powder that resembled coarse sand.
I packed the pipe full and took a big hit,
Held it in tight and leaned back to sit.

The first thing I noticed was the room got real blurry,
And everything started to fade black in a hurry.
Anxiety kicked in, and my nerves were full blast,
I had no idea how long this feeling would last.

I closed my eyes, and stared into a dazzling black,
And I had the sensation of someone standing behind my back.
I suddenly felt a calm like I’d never thought life could bring,
And whispered from behind were three words: “This, is everything…”

At the exact second the words had finished being spoken,
The universe crumbled and reality was broken.
My soul left my body and was catapulted above,
To a place that transcends time, and inundated with love.

I soared through a tornado made of vibrantly stained glass,
The pure energy was overwhelming and moved through me quite fast.
I traveled into infinity through all its patterned veils,
A kaleidoscopic carnival full of intergalactic trails.

Glorious music engulfed me dressed as ornately woven ribbons,
It’s the most profound experience that I had ever been given.

Helping guide my journey were omniscient entities of light,
Who led me through this astounding matrix of delight!
Their intense embrace of loving energy I can’t begin to explain,
It’s a place that entirely dissolved away all sadness or pain.

There’s no linearity of time, nor concept of “self,”
Earth was temporarily placed on hold up high on a shelf.
I inhabited the deepest recesses of my brain,
I experienced my sub consciousness on a multi-dimensional plane.

I surpassed a wall of brilliantly interwoven neon tape,
And entered a cathedral expanse divinely infinite in scape.
The Godhead of eternity was the place that I was in,
A realm of unimaginable light and power where our souls begin.

To me, this was absolute proof there’s a world beyond ours,
Way outside our galaxy, and light-years beyond the stars.

After my journey, my life was a new leaf that had turned,
I spent weeks thinking about all the things I had learned.
My new knowledge of existence was the only thing that mattered,
When the world was reassembled after my ego was shattered.

Now I no longer fear death, even if I try,
For I know deep in my heart that our spirits never die.
Yes, we’ll shed this mortal coil in which we all reside,
But our soul’s energy will live forever on life’s epic ride.

Staring at a blank page, I don’t know what to write,
The stress of creating poetry can be a mental fight.
There’s so many things to write about where do I even start?
I want it to be meaningful and I want it to be smart.

I sit impatiently waiting for a thought in my office chair,
That will spark something in my mind, but there’s nothing there!
I try listening to music or watching TV for an idea,
I even left the office and walked to the pizzeria!

How do other people do it? I really wanna know!
Because writers block is following me wherever I seem to go!
Whether it’s at the office, or at home, I just can’t seem to shake it,
A poem is calling out to be made and I just can’t seem to make it!

I want to ask the writing Gods for help and beg them on my knees!
I’ve been sitting here for way too long so can you help me please?
I feel like such a failure when my writing seems to struggle,
My creativity hopped right in bed with writers block to snuggle.

I rack my brain but nothings there, it’s full of empty vaults,
What I need is some mental gymnastics and creative somersaults.
O god!  Writing poetry can really be so draining,
But look! I wrote this whole poem in the time I spent complaining!