I'm not saying my poems are a cry for help.
But I'm also not saying they are a sign of elation.
It's just that for so long.
Till now, I have to be the bearer of strength.
I have to forget that I'm human and I'm suffocating.
And deal with everyone else.

And for a long time coming.
I knew I'd reach a point of being tired but never stopping.
Of being broken and down but my support to others never dropping.
The only thing down, would be my own self.
Burning and turning to ash as I fix everyone.
As I make them feel good.

Now Look at me.
Unaware of who I am.
I don't know

I just
I think, I'm not okay.
And I don't even know the first steps.

I thought about texting you.
I keep thinking about texting you.
Yet I just can't bring myself to it.
Because maybe, just maybe I'm being too much of a hypocrite.

I can barley hold on,
I can't hardly grip tight.
I'm worried about you, I miss you.
I just, I can't keep holding on.

I've been slowly breaking since seeing you.
I've been slowly falling and finding myself deep under water.
I can't find any sort of light.
Darkness continues to consume me.
I've lost you.
A piece of myself too.

Why couldn't I be the one to be hurt?
Why you?
Why did I have to be your sole inflictor?

It won't just be ******* anymore.

It'll be our hearts intertwining and our souls creating a sensual dance.
It won't just be hand holding, it would be a creation of viral sparks flowing with each touch, creating some sort of crave to continuously hold you, the desire to to feel you.

It won't just be me listening to you talk but more of me admiring and thanking God for that sensual voice, it would be more like listening to Beethoven, no better yet to the great classical music that exists creating some sense of warmth and security from your voice.

It will no longer be a smile, It would be the universe stopping, nothing moving allowing me to take in that incredible smile, it will be my heart beating ferociously because you are mine and that smile is only meant for me.

It will always be much more.

I wondered if my love for you died.
Weird, I thought I would have fought for you, I thought I would have cried.
Instead everything felt hollow.
Not having any inspiration to write, its, not loving you. Its a hard pill to swallow.

Who am I if not for you poetry.

The World around me is my art form.
The people around me are my inspiration,
The pain surging and growing inside me is my strength,
But these hands...
They are the creators of what my heart fails to speak and what my soul craves to feel.

The World around me is my art form.
There's this girl, I should probably mention that she's beautiful.
Considering the idea that the first words that escaped my mouth when I saw her was "beautiful", oh and she's delightful too.
She rolled up her sleeve and showed me her perfectly smooth skin,
I was shocked, never have I ever seen such smooth, soft clear skin,
I could Look at mine and see the countless scars of drips they inserted in me.
I was mesmerised to say, but she laughed, "It's not always obvious", she cocked her head.
I watched her take off her blouse, removed her black vest and turned around, now I don't know what happened but as my eyes met her back, my voice hitched.
"Say something", she pleaded.

Scars, beautifully and perfectly traced on her smooth not so smooth mocha skin.
Exceptionally carved in a 'x' pattern,
Some scars fresh, with black and blue bruises, dried blood on some.
An intriguing colour of crimson red protruding from her skin,
Drawing an imagery of a crying back, weird but I saw that.
My hands began to itch, burning to touch her, to read her story.
Without much thought my hands began to read her,

Tracing each scar, noticing each pain that she had kept in.
Secrets pouring out and colouring themselves on to me.

"It's not always obvious", she whispers.

"It really isn't"

Now that you know.
I can’t bear to look at you.

Forcing your pearly whites to appear,
Forcing your hazy foggy eyes to be clear.

I can’t bear to look at you.
Not while I cried for help.

Your mind turns mechanically, going through it’s archives and researching how to solve or rather save me.

I see the exhaustion in your eyes.
I feel the ache in your chest
And I’m reminded that it’s all me.

So I smile, I wear a brand new mask that has no holes or openings for errors.
I under-think and run away from the realization that I can’t escape my depression.

I stare at my anti depressants and refuse to be complacent to its backlashes.
I stare at them and refuse to watch it fully consume and burn me right to ash.

I have a new mask.
Because now you know.

I’ll save us.
Don’t worry about me anymore.

My mask is tighter than ever.

I have so much to write.
But writers block is suffocating my writing process.
My mind swarms with so many things to say.
Yet I can't put it to words and it's getting to me.

This is isn't my first rodeo with writers block,
So by now I should know how to break out of this dark hole.
Yet here I am, feeling empty and less whole.

Poetry has always been my form of expression and here I am
Stuck.
But we're going to push it.

This week has been testing me emotionally.
And **** it, writers block won't win this mental war.
My writing won't be up to par,
But it will be my writing.

Emotional test number 1.

I'm getting attention from the opposite gender.
It's as if I'm suddenly in their rader.
Which I can understand to some extent but if you've spent a lot of your life in a specific environment that stayed stagnant.
A sudden change is, overwhelming.

So here I am,
Men staring,
Mouths watering,
Minds wandering away to devouring me.
I can see the lust in their eyes and I guess it's because I look more mature now?
I don't know, its uncomfortable.
I don't know how so many women have to go through feeling like this, especially at their place of work.
Getting some questionable compliments.
And some downright inappropriate snide remarks.
I'm not enjoying it one bit.
And before someone gets to commenting on how I dress, Friday is causal Friday and I wear the baggiest **** ever.

It's weird
And extremely uncomfortable. To be in such a situation.
I hate it.
Especially because the female human resources manager that is supposed to protect the staff at all cost or as far as her work powers allow her to protect is never around.

I don't like it one bit.
I don't like feeling uncomfortable and scared in my work environment because my colleagues and Superiors find me attractive.

Anyway.

WEIRD THING NUMBER 2

I just have to make it in capitals because my heart feels dribbled.
And unlike Football, no one is enjoying the show.
It's just a disaster.

But that's for another day

I've got writers block.
I've got a huge *** wall around my heart and mind.
I can't write anymore.
I can't write about the environment around me.
The atmosphere surrounding me.
The pain inside my heart.
I just can't.

It scares me, thinking that I've lost my ability to write.
The craving sensation to feel the texture of the paper.
The way my fingers would curl up and wrap itself seductively around the pen.

It scares me because I feel someone has taken my will to write.
Like they took the biggest part of me and left scrapes and pieces of whatever this is that I am.

I want to run back to poetry, back to art because my reality hurts.
I'm dealing with a broken heart and an unimaginable weight of depression and it hurts.
I try to write about it but the monsters in my head tell me it's no more, that poetry isn't for me.

And that scares me, my one way out isn't a way out anymore.
It's a longing, a dream, a utopia that is no longer existent.

And that pains me.

I've lost my will to write
I've lost the biggest part of me.
What am I if I don't have art to represent my true self?
What am I if my only escape is no longer an option?

Somebody took my will to write.
My will to draw,
My will to create canvases with my mouth.

I don't know but I've lost it all.
God I wish for you back.

I wouldn't know how to cry for help.
I hope I'm not alone in this.
I hope somewhere out there someone is reading this and their response is " That one I Felt"
I feel like when I feel defenseless its in me to suddenly dismiss my feelings.
Which is sad because I need healing.
I need to stop feeling like I'm nothing but a weakling for wanting to be more expressive.
Swear, I'd pat myself on the back because admittance to emotions is impressive.

Anyway, I hope one day to cry for help and receive it.
In the meantime I'll allow for this darkness to swallow me whole.

Like nature I do not want to be dependent on you.
I want to be one with myself.
I want to grow and evolve.

Like the tiniest seeds, I want to be carried away by the wind, the rain or the animals.
I want to find myself in the soil as it protects me from ****** birds and excited worms.
I want to sprout out from the soil, experience the sun,
Embrace the wind,
Harbor the cold
And face pure germination.

As they say germination can be thought of as anything expanding into greater being from a small existence or germ.

Like nature I do not wish to be dependent on you.
Regardless of the love you do not give me,
I will extend my roots and find it within me.
Because you might think I need you, but the truth is I don't.
I have learned to evolve just like nature

I've got a common set of insecurities.
A wide variety of trust issues.
A closet filled with I can't love you's.

I've got a tainted heart,
Painted all over with cracks,
Wrapped around in bandages,
Filled with holes where hope escapes leaving me less whole.

I've got a broken mind.
One which over-analyses each concept of the world to avoid further damage.

I've got hitched breaths and broken voices.
Wirings in my head,
Cocked up screws running my emotions
Forcing me to hide and avoid commotions

I've turned into a literal device.
I've been given limitations.
Turned into a personification.
Talk about a huge oxymoron.

I've been turned into the world's biggest metaphor,
An allegory of what people shouldn't be.
I've been made into some anecdote.

They believed  I would succumb to the notion of pain.
That I could be battered and tattered into some emotional mess.
To wallow and swallow the hurt,
To writher and turn hollow.

The thought assumption is that the final process of completely annihilating a person.
They must be tantalized and blown to smitherings with ones past.

It's the perfect analogy of a literal masterpiece that comes with a lesson.

However the forgotten loophole of meeting a person willing to stand by us has been casted off.
With the assumption our feelings have become one as machinery.

They forgot we could be Wall E and Eva,
We could defy the code.
We could stand tall, fight the pain and feel better.

I was going to write this down on a piece of paper.
But my mind is moving faster than my pen flow.
And  at this point it's hard to take things slow.
Particularly this piece.

I feel like a lost soul.
Wandering the space of time.
Trying to open my third eye but my face isn't progressive enough.
So I close my only two eyes
god I hope this works.

She told me " The universe is infinite"
I told her "I know"
She told me "To always write about my current state of mindset"
But it's extremely hard to do that when you're lost.

What does it mean though?
To be lost and to feel entrapped in the global blue?
Does it mean to write continuously about searching further than the universe?
Does it mean that my poetical element becomes far greater and deeper than when my mind is less conflicted?
Because if so, It means to gradually inflict myself to get to a greater stage.
To grow and to feel an abundant amount of emotions.
To be overwhelmed and then let poetry take it all in.

She told me "No, you are lost because the universe is larger than you"
I told her "I know"

I feel lost because I am searching for something that I do not know.
I wander aimlessly with a thousand visions and goals in mind,
but not enough time to find what  a "true calling could be"

I am  all alone,
trapped in my mind. all alone.
Lost and and wandering the unknown.
Searching for all I could ever know.

Green, blue, purple, brown. That's all I see.
The potential to write my best piece ever.
The potential to really figure it all out, to compare forever and always.

It's pretty dark here.
Just me and the infinite milky-way.
Just me and my ever moving soul.

She told me, "That's not it"
I told her "I know"

I'm thinking too much and not at all at once.
If this Piece  feels convoluted, I will not apologise.
Forgive me.

I feel pain and happiness at once.
I smile as I pierce through my skin with this bland razor
Tired of hearing you're a gladiator.

I'm too lost for that.
Stuck in this infinite galaxy,
searching for the sun.
They say it's everywhere.
How am I lost?
Someone please tell me, how am I lost?
I can't find a way
entrapped in this galaxy.
Why am I lost.
Forever lost
Tell me why being  lost is my always?

She told me "You're almost there"
I told her "I'm not"

"I'm still fighting my way, caged by my mind. I feel this is as far as I could go, I could travel the whole world. Begin and end my journey and still find myself in this room"

"I'm a lost girl"

"You're not alone"
"I know"

"Let me in, I'll show you why you were a lost girl"

CHANGES.

You were lost girl, I'll tell you why.
You were lost girl, I'll tell you why.
All alone, thats how you felt.
No one knew how you were all alone.
No one understood.
But I'm here now, you're not alone.
I don't think you know,
You were a lost soul.
But I'm here girl,
You are are more than what you see.
Let me show you.
Let me just take it all in.
I'll show you.
You're not lost girl.
There's reason behind me.

You're not alone.

"I'm here"

Call me antediluvian, 
But I want to hold you by your hand
Kiss you on the cheek
Whisper, I love you
Call me delirious
I'm just in love.

‎It's hard to say,
That your body animates me
It's hard to say, 
That I want you

It's hard to say, 
That I want to caress your every flaw with my tongue 
It's hard to say, 
That I want to make love to you.

It's hard to say
What words cannot do

Like art
I want to draw you
Trace every inch of you with my fingers
Read every bit till your breath hinges
Watch every part till your toes curl.

It's hard to say,
What words cannot do.

Let me taste your thoughts with my tongue
Inhale the sounds you make
Exhale and grunt to the way your back archs

It's hard to say
What words cannot do.

When there's so much to do
That words cannot say

I want to feel you
Trace every part of my body with your fingers
Make my body scream
In the grasps of ecstasy

Let your eyes linger onto me
As your fingers make trails on my skin
Caress my *******, my stomach, my legs
And more

I want your tongue
To ******* body
I want you to kiss me
Kiss me until I am out of breath
Devour me
All of me
Make me surrender

Let me feel you,
Trace every part of your body with my fingers,
My tongue,
Till your body screams in the grasps of ecstasy.

Let my eyes linger onto you,
As my fingers make trails on your skin,
Let me feel you,
Feel your body tremble as I caress your breast, stomach, legs
And many more.
Baby let me listen to the sounds you make as your body explodes.

I want to taste you
Inside out
I want my tongue to take all of you in
I want to kiss you,
Kiss you until I'm out of breath
Let me devour you.
Surrender to me baby.

Normally all they expect from me is strength. They expect the bravest face with the brightest smile.
But 2019 has been throwing more than just hurdles my way.
2019 has been creating more than a disruption to me.

2019 started out with the biggest amount of hope, finally I was going to face most of my dreams and definitely at long last make sure that I complete them.

But when it came, I got a stab to the heart, losing the one person who I thought would get to see my empire rise.
And I understand that relationships end, I get that we need to let go of toxic behaviors but when she walked away. Everyone that held a special significant place in my heart walked out.

I became overwhelmed with pain to the extent that I became toxic.
I tried to run to someone who I thought would stay there but they just couldn't bear to watch me so fragile and bare, they walked out. Making sure that the remaining components of my heart turned to dust.

My environment grew dark, People started fighting for some form of job security and I took it in me to carry their pain while worrying for myself. I survived, they didn't so while relieve was evident in my face their pain was eating at my soul.

I had other hopes, It'll work out somehow.
But the deeper into the months we get the more drained I get.

I am not okay
2019 is taking a huge toll on me.

I am moving on.

I have my eyes set on the stars,
My mind landed on the moon and my heart exploring the planets.

It no longer hurts when they talk about you, neither does it stain when I see you...

I've moved on.
I'm not in search for a chemical equation to help me feel complete, I am not trying to find myself a covalent bond, an ionic or even metallic bond.

I realised I am like the noble elements,
Like Neon, Helium, Xenon and Argon I am complete without you...
I am the perfect balance.
I don't need you...
I'm happy,
I've moved on.

She's smiling, she's laughing.
Her eyes are glowing while sipping on a cup of black coffee,

'no sugar just good ol black coffee' she laughs.

She portrays an aura of strength, confidence and serenity.
Yes She's the independent type.

I'm no stalker but my mind tells me to follow her.
It tells me there's more behind all that. So I stay...

Her friends leave and her walls come collapsing.
Her aura screams Pain, her smile faded as if it never really existed.
Her eyes. Goodness gracious are blank with no emotions yet filled with thousands of emotions passing through all portraying pain.

She's independent,even though she's messy and all she stands tall, smiles and wipes the tears away, no matter who's watching.

I don't have a reason to be sad.
I've been told quite a lot that there's no substantial trauma from my interaction with the world.
That I have a life that seems to be significantly solid and constant.

Regardless of my cries and need to not be the strong person in every aspect of my life or anyone's life that I seem to be in.
I've been put in a case where I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG.

I've cried to the walls and I've been comforted by the cold corners,
But none of that has ever been of human support.
And man, it's hard.
Hiding my pain
Taking all their strains
and it's hard.

It's painful
Because here I stand, scrapes and bruises all over my mental and there's no one to tell me everything will be fine.

No one to hold me tight, hug me and be strong for me.

I can't be strong for myself because I've drained all my energy on everyone else but me.

And at the back of my mind, something is telling me to numb the pain
But I don't want to go back there again.
At the same time, I'm afraid I'm already there.

Giving you my heart is going to **** me.

I swear.
I have never been afraid of losing someone.

Yet here I am.
Worried I'm going to lose you before I even have you.

Glory! Hear the voices of the Queen

Embrace...
The warmth hidden and exposed,
The laughter and power within.

At long last! Hear the voice.

Allow her to take you to the land within, the soul without,
To the mythical energy that bonds you as one
As her vibrations bring you back to life.

Watch her.
As her soul floats into the universe
Dragging what is without in you to a place of serenity.
Listen to the sounds of what is your divine intervention.

Do not ask but feel,
This heave,
As your eyes burn red.

Embrace this sound as she has freed you.
Nubian voice!
At long last!

One day she may beg for your forgiveness.
One day he may come back crawling.
One day they may want to sort things through.
They may want to get back what was lost because they miss you...

But for now they are walking away from you...

You write a lot of poems.
So I guess that's a bonus.

Less than 24 hours ago, I wrote that I found freedom and solace in her.
That my state of mind always seemed to be in a lighter mood.
Funny how things really can change in mere seconds.

Less that 24 hours, I shared to her an even bigger piece of my heart.
I gently removed my battered heart from my chest and asked for her to hold on to it.

Bruised and coloured in black, purple marks. I gave to her willingly.
And what better way to do that if not with poetry.
The only artfrom that truly  defines who I AM.

Her eyes, shined with happiness, or so I thought.
My mind so calm, trusting that every move I made is worth it.
I shouldn't have listened to any bits of my mind or heart though.
I should have fought.
Now look at my consequences of love.
My heart is caught in a bob wired fence.
Losing its last bits of red.

Less than 24 hours ago, I thought you would protect me.
So willingly I gave you all of me, bits I repaired, Bits I was working on and the remainder of what made me me.

What gave you the right to look me in my bloodshot eyes and tell me I am not  enough.
Why take all that I am to tell me that you can't do this.

Is this it?
Is pain the only constant that belongs in my life?
Because everytime I try to feel something better than it.
It leaves like a boomerang and comes back with 10x more the impact.

So perhaps this is my karma.
My one true love.
Pain.
I cannot fight you anymore.

I run to the walls and ask for them to build around me,
My tear stained heart cries to be confined and protected.
My mind wanders and prays that walls be built around me.

Help me find solidarity in these corners, warm my broken self with your cool embrace.

My tear stained eyes cannot seek for what is not confinement.
It cannot look for anything brighter than the darkness the walls provide.
Protect me, engulf me and allow me to wallow and swallow this pain in your corner.

Close me off, for I have broken what was open.
Heal me and teach me not to find serenity in the voice of others.
Take me to eternal sleep for my heart is exhausted.

I have loved too much, I have broken more than my soul.
Deliver me from this pain.
Help me find solidarity in your corner and allow this mind to be free.

If numbness exists take me there, prepare my soul to be without. For where on Self can I find retribution?
For where in self is a manual on this?

For where on Self were there warning lights?

"The number Pi is a mathematical constant, the ratio of a circles circumference to its diameter is commonly approximated as 3.145159. Being an irrational number, pi cannot be expressed exactly as a common fraction. Consequently, it's decimal representation (22/7) never ends and never settles into a permanent repeating pattern", He told the girl sitting next to her.

"You like math I see", she chuckled.

"No, not exactly", he sighs
"I'm trying to tell you something, what I feel for you cannot be expressed properly, it's like pi, what I feel is deep and never ends, it doesn't settle to a repeating pattern because each day it changes and becomes something stronger", He looks straight into her eyes.

"Since Ancient civilisation, mathematicians have been trying to find the ending of pi but they only ended at about a thousand numbers. Then in the 21st century Computer scientist decided to give it a try, but they ended at 13.3 trillion before they exhausted their computers", The boy took a deep breath and started to play with his fingers

"Chances are a lot of people will try to figure out how I feel about you, myself included but no matter how hard I try it'll always go deep, it's infinite because I am irrevocably In Love with you"

Never thought I would come back to this.
A part two never made sense.
Especially since I hoped that at some point we would be friends.
Didn't really think that things would end so tense.

I told myself that with you ego would ruin me.
That if I couldn't go to you, then there's none I'd confide.
If it wasn't you I could run to. Then I would always hide.

I thought that I would only see colour with you.
That our places, would belong to us only.
The vibrant colours would belong to us only.
Just like the song you wrote for me.
I truly believed that it belonged to us only.

Little did I know.
It was not my ego that would ruin me.
But yours.

You told me that this song was ours.
That it would keep the colours alive.
No matter what.

I know I told you that these places are not mine alone.
Not matter how much colour has drained from my eyes.
They remain beautiful to others.
I know what I said.

I just never thought you would be the one to drain them from everyone.
That you would forget me and change the narrative.

It was your heart on my sleeve.
It was my heart on yours.
It was our place.
Drained of colour to us but so bright to everyone.

But your ego chose to forget me.
Just like your heart decided to let go.

Who would have thought.
That it was not the poet that changed the narrative.
But the artist that really wanted a platinum on their creative.

**** man.
All along.
I thought that this would be our song.
That regardless of the pain we both experienced.
That this. No matter what would be ours.

My poems to you are yours.
But your songs to me are theirs.
Tell me that's fair.

Please don't cry...
Please keep trying, please stop crying.
Stand tall keep fighting.

I can't do this on my own, my body is wounded filled with bruises, scars and burns all figuratively and literally.

Please stop crying.
Your tears are causing step dad to hit mum harder, causing my real dad to brand me, my grand dad to wash me in blood, the type he used to hurt her.

Please stop crying.
Please show some strength because the more they see this the more their opportunity to hurt me rises.

They see pleasure in my pain, their greatest treasure is this huge stain in my heart.

Please stop crying, at least stand tall for mummy.
Take her pain and don't show it, smile to irritate them, so they at least focus more on you...

Please stop crying to save her.

I think I have been in various situations where I was sure that you're the one.
Blindly ignoring the red flags, the warning signs.
I was hell bent.
I thought you were heaven sent.

And I was wrong,
But I'm older and wiser now.

And I will not ignore the voice in my head or anything if at all my heart assumes that someone is. the one.
I want green lights everywhere, I can't base true love on anything toxic.

Unknown.
Unspecified.‎

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for on the left we have The undisputed, most lyrical sensation in the world, Prodigy", The speaker announced.

"And on the right we have, the growing, unknown, unspecified the last Bounty Hunter, when she slays she slays", The speaker shouts.

PRODIGY 
Moving with the flow of beats, I serenade my thoughts with new symphonies.
New melodies, thoughts cascading through creating a lyrical abstract.

Now let my words infuse into you and misuse 
Your subliminal thoughts. 
Let me tell you the tale of a lost soul found by the soulless. 

It wasn't a nice summers day.
It wasn't a blistering cold morning.
There was no pain involved whatsoever.
The lost soul feels nothing but moves with the flow of the wind, whichever movement taken it will be accepted. 
The soulless saved me, from a whirlpool of lost and unknown souls they saved me and put me in a situation where feelings were unrequited, unnecessary, sociopath tendencies rolling in,
They saved me. 
Showed me the light of darkness but took me out the darker abyss.
And no amount of gratitude can show that when there's no existing feelings in the first place.
They turned me into a prodigious phenomenal.
Told me my words could get me anywhere.
Ladies and Gentlemen I am Prodigy
A legend amongst the dead, the living, the unknown, the unimaginable.

THE LAST BOUNTY HUNTER

I move with sensational beats,
Stomping to the floor getting down and *****.
Thanking the legends for showing me the streets,
The actual hustle the struggle the flow of the people.
I am the last bounty hunter.
The last of my people, the fighter.
I am like the Ruger No. 1 Varminter K1-V-BBZ one shot and you're out.

"Alright ladies and Gentlemen we got our introduction now it's time for the main attraction. The main topics, we will start of with Prodigy, your topic is Blissful pain".

PRODIGY 

Blissful pain.
Breathe and forget the strain.
Pop pills later and let them invade your veins.

It's Blissful pain.
Bloodshot eyes.
Shaky hands.
Woozy thoughts.

I drowned so much to forget you.
Swimming in liquor,
Taking strange detours.
Hoping to forget you.

It's blissful pain.
The drugs and alcohol make me forget you, make me smile, makes me laugh and free spirited.
The after effects hurt.
Rusty hangovers, forgotten nights and swarming thoughts of what we used to be.
Blissful pain.
Bitter sweet moments.
I miss you...

"Woah okay now it's The Last Bounty Hunter, your topic is Green hills"

THE LAST BOUNTY HUNTER 

Green hills.

"Save me", she whispered.

I watched her at the top of the hill.
Tears running down her face, posture all down,
Her self esteem gone, her entire demeanour broken into tiny little pieces of non existence.

"It hurts", she whimpered.

The green hills holding her in place,
Making her look down on what's meant to be her doom but is rather her freedom.
The dark green trees hold on to her praying she doesn't fall.

"Don't", my hand reaches out to her.
She jumps, falling down, the Green trees try to save her from falling each trying to catch her.

"I'm sorry", I close my eyes as I watch the green Hill devour her.

"Alright Ladies and Gentlemen the next match will be based on a specific topic and that topic is Hunted"

THE LAST BOUNTY HUNTER.

The days are the days of the years of the ages of our dreams.
Realising we aren't what we truly thought we are.
Focusing on dreams of being the hunter yet we are the hunted.

Maybe I don't understand, maybe he doesn't know and maybe she does.

We search seeking for answers, never really finding them but end up digging more in a pit of unanswered questions.

We toggle philosophy, entering the metaphysical ending up with the epistemological.
We complicate the simple, fighting complexity with simplicity.

Hunting.
I lay down looking through my lenses,
Searching for a loophole, a spot, to pounce on my prey.
Because let's be honest.
Our greatest ability is to find the weak spot of the toughest strongest.

Patiently waiting for you to mess up.
I know you know I'm watching.
I can see your insecurities dancing in,
Waltzing, doing oh so melodious moves.
I see them in harmony, in synchronisation with my plan.

You're scared. 
Not ready to fall so I leave.
Giving you a peace of mind till you relax, till you're ready. 
One two three, shots fired.
You've been hunted.

PRODIGY

I've never been one for words.
Never one for feelings and emotions.
I've just been one to move with the motion.

So when she stopped me I was lost, confused.
She put her hand across my cheek
Cheek burning, the sound deafening.

"Why", her voice cracked.
Her bloodshot eyes caught mine. 
Searching for answers praying that I would show her the light. 
That she might be the one I would truly fight for.

With confusion flowing through my mind I turned and walked away.
"I'm not that type of guy", I sighed.
"I can never be that guy". I left

He looked at me as if I was crazy.
"Even the wildest animals out there have feelings compared to you", He laughed.
"You're like a hunter, you **** and you get a thrill put of it and you don't put emotions in it", He spat.
"What the **** is wrong with you", He shouted.

I stared at him. 
Not enough running through my head.
I cooked my head and started laughing.
"Everyone is ****** up" I paused.
Took a deep breath and walked away.

"Well then the final piece is a freestyle feel free to do what you want", the announcer spoke.

LAST BOUNTY HUNTER

For years and centuries I've been a dreamer.
Praying to the gods hoping to become a great believer.
Trying to find the light so that I can become a controversial writer.

I had my heart caged on rage.
My soul flipped and sold for truth.
Hoping to find my true self.

I am the last of the legends.
A writer amongst the lyricist.

I've seen souls sold to the devil for the oblivious life.
Had dreams broken for the delirious minds.

My granddad told me I could be a hero someday.
That I could find wisdom by my writing. 

I looked at him and asked him if I can do it.
He told me "Son you are a Bounty Hunter you can do anything"

My words are my weapons.
This pen is my rifle.
This paper is my ammunition.
This life is my redemption.
Each story is an unravelling revelation.

"Alright ladies and Gentlemen next we have, Prodigy"

PRODIGY.

Alright this is a story of my father and I.
We were somewhat tight, close.
Regardless of my condition I felt something with my father, respect.
I looked up to him.

One day stating at the blue sky, watching the grey clouds, I asked "Dad?"
"Yea son?", He looked at me.
I took a deep breath, watching the sun get overwhelmed by the clouds, the blue sky getting darker. 
"Do you think I'll ever be normal?", I looked at him nonchalantly. 
"I don't know kid", He sighed.
"Does it bother mum that I'm not like the others?" I asked barely above a whisper.
He looked at me, His green eyes overwhelming me with answers, the got teary and at that point I knew the answer.
Reading his sudden dropped posture,
His sudden fidgeting of hands.
Trying to find his words, I raised my hand
"It's okay, I understand", I stood up dusted myself off and walked away.

"Alright that was deep" The announcer mentioned.
"Ladies and Gentlemen who is your winner?"

Interlude.

What's your favourite colour?"
A question that has lived with me throughout my entire years.
With confidence I said "purple"
They always asked me why. I never really gave them the most appropriate answer. Mainly because when I was young, purple made me feel different. Girls were always expected to love a certain pink, to always follow that order. Purple made me feel superior.
Made me all sorts of different.
Always a good different.

Little did I know.

Purple stains*.

Tomorrow is a day closer to our day.
Everyday is a day closer to ours.

I sit on this wooden chair,
Listening to it creak as my body makes a frontward backward motion.
I stare aimlessly at the road ahead.
Wondering.
Always wondering.

"Annoyed with the World?" she puts her tiny soft hands on my shoulder.
Making me feel the heat radiating from her.
I continue to look forward. Already knowing where she's going at.

"The perks of being an Eccedentist",she whispers.
"The secret of this pain lies deep within but can only be seen by our kind".
I sigh, massaging my temples. Not really feeling the need to hear what more she has to say.
In attempt to run away, I pick my heavy battered body up and start to walk away.
She chuckles light hearted "Running again I guess?"
"How long will you deny these stains? How long will your body handle them? Don't run away. Talk to me"

Her words remind me of a certain everybody. Always telling me that they want to listen.
To comfort me.
But they don't understand, I'm not trying to get pity or supposed heartfelt advice.
I don't want that.

I continue to walk away from her, counting every step that takes me further from her view.

"I am in pain", I whisper to the winds.
"I've got bruises so deep that they have turned into scars. The kind that stains every part of me"
"I want to cry", I slouch my body.
"But what point is it to waste my tears on someone that has put me on hold? Should I really be doing this. Crying so loud for love that existed only for their benefit"
"I'm an instrument of pain", I laugh.
"He is my composer. With each stroke, with each beat. He creates harmonious symphonies that leave the crowd bewildered. He creates a wave of sensual vocals that lead me breathless and in pain"
"People love his work, they love to listen to the beats of my drained heart,  the soft strum of my throaty voice", I sigh.

My body is at halt. I can no longer continue to walk.
With that, I fall heavy on my knees.
Hands on the rough sand.
Head trying to bury itself deeper.
"Everyday is a day closer to ours", I cry.

My body shakes feverishly letting out the pain.
My throat cracks in attempt to let my voice be heard.
My heart shatters even more. My mind flustered and goes black.
My eyes are bloodshot, but no tears.
It's only been a few months but it feels like years.
Holding on to him. To this pain.
I try to get a grip onto the soil but my body fails.
I fall, now laying on the ground.
Whispering, crying to it.
Finally letting someone in.

"I told you, that only I understand you", she crouches and releases a small smile.

She squints her eyes and croaks her head.
"What's your favourite colour? "

I keep quiet. Not from embarrassment but from exhaustion of this cycle. I'm always caught at my worst.
Why must I always be caught.

"No answer", She sighs
"How do you expect to get over this if you don't talk? " she whispers harshly

I sigh, I shut my eyes in hopes for her to disappear.
I can't handle playing to her. For her own comfort that her life is somewhat better than mine.
This instrument, is worn out.

"I'm still here you know. And I'm not trying to save you. I could never do that. I'm not him",I hear
"I just can't watch you break down like this anymore. I don't want you to feel what I felt", she coughs.
"I'm not here for saving. If you refuse to talk of your pain at least let me in on your favourite colour ", she pleads.

"Purple", I murmur

"Just like the colour of your stains",she laughs.

Somebody save me,
Before I pull my walls up and before my pride takes over.
I'm in need of saving.

Usually I'm not one for these humble words,
I'd rather ramble, stutter and diverse the topic
Throwing jokes in mid air for you to catch and forget the situation
Only to quickly build walls and listen to my inner demons telling me that I'm alright and that they'll save me.

Somebody save me
Because who I was is not who I am
And that's terrifying,
It's petrifying
And I can't help but shake.

Okay stop.
Truth is right now as we speak, I'm building walls.
Regretting every word that utters,
My inner demons are telling me to stop, they are telling me that I'm fine.
That these thoughts are just non existent.

And trust me I want to believe that.
I want to be able to follow their instructions,
Because truth be told they are the greatest distractions.
But these subliminal thoughts are killing me,
Taking away everything that defines who I am.

I don't know what to do.
'Talk', they say.
' I do' believe me I do.
But talking does not help when they don't listen and try to understand.
I am on the verge of losing myself.
And I keep talking, talking but they keep brushing me away.

"It'll get better, it's all in your head", they say.
Sometimes to be spontaneous they throw half heated "sorry" or "Wow, I never knew", but they did.

Somebody save me.
Because my inner demons are fighting my subliminal demons and it's tearing me to pieces.
One minute I know I'm not okay and the next I say I am.
A few seconds later I'm ****** up and I want to cry and the next my own tears make me feel awkward because I'm okay.

I'm afraid of going home.
The thought is bitter,
It makes me sour.
My inner demons say that it's because I'm a city kid it's a phase feeling.
My subliminal demons tell me , I have not accepted and therefore I'm haunted by what is not home.

I'm afraid of being alone.
Sure my inner demons are on high alert.
They make sure that I am distracted.
That I'm always busy, fiddling, reading,  something.
But the minute I zone out,
Like now, I don't breathe, I Witness my pain,
I feel it.
I'm not alright.
But thankfully just like now. My inner demons take those thoughts away.

Nobody save me.
I'm alright

"You're supposed to write so that you heal", she whispers.
"Have you forgotten your purpose?"
She nods her head in disappointment.
"You're falling back. And you know very well no one can catch you. Hence why you write.
So that the paper holds on carefully to your scars so that it takes in all your bruises. So that your hands itch not to hurt themselves but to relieve themselves with a pen, a pencil anything. As long as it feels the texture of paper."
"Stop falling back!" She shouts.

I looked at her. I didn't allow her words to sink in. I just looked at her.
Her hazel eyes piercing into my dark brown.
Her eyebrows furrowed with anger and jaws clenched from burning my heart.

"I can't" I exhale.
"I'm too broken to write.
I love the book. I can't stain it with so much pain to the extent that I  can't look at it. I don't read my own work because it traumatises me.
So yes I'm falling back because I can't hurt my book. I want it to be filled with happiness. At least let it tell the story of my shining days.
I can't hurt it", my knees buckle as I fall to the floor.

"I don't want to", I sniffle
"Don't let me", I clench my fists feeling the cold tiles against my knuckles.

She goes down on her knees.
Pulls her hair back and clears her throat.
"You have to write"
"If you don't..." she pauses.
Clears her throat once again and sniffles
"I'll lose you too", she bows her head.

I lifted her chin up and looked into her puffy eyes.
"I hate to make you cry", I sighed.
"But what point is saving myself when we both already lost you?" I whispered.

"Don't say that", her voice shook.
I closed my eyes and sighed.
Slowly removed my hand from her chin and stood up.

"Why do I have to be the one who's alive in this when I long lost you?" I brushed my hair back.
"I just don't get it", I said barely above a whisper, I slouched in defeat.

"Because you're saving me", her voice cracked.

"I couldn't say goodbye, I didn't want it to be goodbye"

So instead you walked out on me.
You made me feel as if I wasn't worthy to you and like I was a ******* that meant nothing and that you could easily walk away from.

When you turned your back on me my heart dropped, wait that's not what you did, I'm making you seem oh so nice to me.
What you did was before you turned and left, you broke through my rib cage,took my heart out and tore it as if it was a piece of paper, from your palms you blew shattered pieces of my heart and they burned and turned into ashes.

Don't tell me saying goodbye was something you didn't want to do because I remember the look you had, you were smirking trying to hold in your laughter
Your dark eyes turned darker and it seemed as if you were enjoying it.

Gosh what you inflicted on me, I wouldn't ever wish it upon my worst enemy, not even the devil himself.

Don't you dare tell me saying goodbye was going to be difficult because I'm sure as hell that saying hello won't be easy.

***

Sensual, explicit, extraordinary

FOREPLAY

Communication, touches, eye contact, spiritual pull.

Passion, Intimacy, ***

***.
The combination of raw, untamed energy,
Unsuccessfully molded into one.
Bursting with each arch
Burning with each grunt.

Heart thumping to each melody
Mind so white as bliss rockets out her body.

***
Caress your thighs,
Let me strum and create a band
drum and create a symphony
key and harness the harmony
Let me orchestrate your body while you sing for me.

***,
Let me whisper a Terza rima
“Do you want to be ******?”

Foreplay.
Grazing your thigh, looking away
Small subtle smile appearing.
Sneak peeks, blushing, lip biting.

HUNGER
There’s a hunger,
A craving for more.
Chest thumping, heart stumping

Slowly, I exhale
Deeper I go into this autumn forest
Lost and excited about this evening breeze.

“Touch me”, I whisper
As each part of you covers, marks what is within me.

Licks, bites... more!
Heavy breathing
Tongue twisting.

My voice wishes to be heard.
Unleash your inner beast,
Burn me
Warm me
I’m raging wet and cold!

Intimacy, Passion

Call out your soul,
Mine humbly and impatiently awaits,
Restrict your outer,
It’s time for your inner to shine.

Let me paint you with a colour of four,
With each stroke, call out your soul
Mine painfully awaits.

Sing to me
I’ll compose you a piece
One of meant for a goddess.

Before you reach your peak
Call out to my soul.
And fully feel me devour you.

***
Foreplay
Intimacy

Crave my passion
Want, need and be given
Come!
Explore the beauty of the pearl!

"I know we are not going to last", she takes a drag of the cigarette, blowing out fumes of smoke.
She bites her lower lip and stares into his dark green eyes and sighs.
She takes another drag and closes her eyes.
She wonders how he feels, does he really care the way she does.
Does his heart ache for her the way it does for her.
She sighs again and opens her eyes.  She locks her eyes with the Orange yellow setting of the Sun.
She laughs to herself. 'Such a warm romantic feel yet the atmosphere is dull and cold', she thinks.
She takes another long inhale of her stick, burning her lungs as her mind turns light headed. She smiles, yearning for this feeling everyday.
The boy clears his throat and she stares back at him.
His eyes filled with sorrow and pain, he smiles and sniffles.
"I don't want us to get deep into this conversation", he exhales.
"I don't want the thought of me losing you to cloud my train of thought, Lets not get to that please",
He turns his head away.

1.You're simply amazing that it becomes impossible to use complex words to truly portray your beauty since no amount of words in the world could ever define you.

2.Wewe ni ajabu tu kwamba inakuwa vigumu kutumia maneno tata kwa kweli kuonyesha uzuri wako tangu hakuna kiasi cha maneno katika dunia inaweza milele kufafanua wewe
  
3.Jy is net amazing dat dit onmoontlik komplekse woorde te gebruik om jou skoonheid werklik uitbeeld aangesien daar geen bedrag van woorde in die wêreld ooit kon jy definieer.

4.   Vous êtes tout simplement incroyable qu'il devient impossible d'utiliser mots complexes à véritablement représenter votre beauté puisque aucune quantité de mots dans le monde ne pourrait jamais définir vous.

5. È semplicemente incredibile che rende impossibile utilizzare complesse parole per davvero rappresentare la tua bellezza poiché non quantità di parole nel mondo potrà mai definire .

6.   es simplemente increíble que resulta imposible utilizar palabras complejas para verdaderamente retratar su belleza ya que ninguna cantidad de palabras en el mundo nunca te podría definir.

7.    Είστε απλά καταπληκτική ώστε να καθίσταται αδύνατη η χρήση σύνθετων λέξεων με πραγματικά απεικονιστεί ομορφιάς σας δεδομένου ότι κανένα ποσό των λέξεων στον κόσμο θα μπορούσε να καθορίσει ποτέ σας.


So if words couldn't possibly be enough then perhaps if I write it in another language it would be enough, but unfortunately it isn't. Words no matter how I put them out its simply not enough.
You're Adored greatly,  
You're simply Amazing.
And I thought you deserve to know.

I believe at some point in my life I drilled the idea of being non comital in my head.
Crazy I know but I was so hell bent on not being hurt again.
Surely being a non emotional being means I HAVE NOTHING to gain.
I get it.
But I always stressed that I'm going to commit to those that need my heart.
Not the people that want to ****** with it and then suddenly disappear because their heart isn't solid enough to handle mine.

While in this situation of non commitment. I also believed in soul mates.
The sole idea that there will always be someone for you, that at the end of the day love is our fate.
It's our destiny.
And that's good enough to keep my concept of love sane and not in vain.
But as the pain of heart break coursed  through my veins, it became difficult to hold on to that thought.
It's weird I know, but it's perfectly human.
To have mismatched feelings and contradictions.
But you must understand, I know you've experienced the same things.

To have the whole of you belong to someone who couldn't properly cater for it.
To over and under-assume that they are your one and only.
It's sensible, we are human.
It's the only humane thing ever.

Now this story is long.
I want to apologise but I know you love some story telling.
So I'm here to tell a tale so please hear me out.

When I saw you.
I don't want to say corny things like my heart skipped a beat.
But it did, and it was weird because I didn't know how to react to that.
My hands were clammy, My mind was running.
How can I talk to this royalty and have her find me funny and adorable.
How can I make her smile?
How can I hear her laugh and feel prideful because "I did that"

Remarkable.
Undoubtedly, How I felt then is ten times more than now.
You have no idea how much my heart belongs to you.
How every fibre in me tells me you're my soul mate.
My sole mate.

It's my dream to take care of you.
To show you love and make you feel everything that you make me feel.
I want to watch you grow and become the successful Queen you're meant to be.
I want to be there by your side as you battle each demon, as you win and as you lose to become stronger.
I want to be there for you.
Every single step.

I want to hold your soft hands
And instantaneously transfer how much I am willing to protect and make you feel safe.
While also demonstrating the safety I immediately feel with each hold.

I want to be in an endless timeframe and watch you wake up.
I want to be the first t see those russet eyes, glow with happiness.
I want to leave butterfly kisses on your forehead and watch your subtle smile spread.
I want to whisper sweet nothings and hug you.
My mornings are best with you.
My soul feels complete knowing I'm with my sole soul mate.

Sometimes

Sometimes I relapse to you.
Most days I relapse to my mind.

But days like today.
I think of how I should try to move on away from you.
Yes I loved you.
Yes I love you.
But I need to keep away from you.

I won’t be able to do that by holding on.
Your number has been removed,
Our conversations have been deleted.
But I still listen to the memories of you
And baby I can’t ever dispute where my heart lies.

But it shouldn’t be on you.
It shouldn’t be on another too.
It should be on me.

Because ultimately my soul, my sanity.
It deserves the capability and capacity that my love lies on you.

“If you love me won’t you say something”

Our song lingers in the background, heavily playing with anecdotes
And innuendos of you.

But baby.
It hurts that it isn’t on me.

It hurts that it isn’t on me.

Because sometimes I think about how this is disastrous.
How it’s disappointing.

I’m the love I need.
Why can’t I see that?

Sometimes I just read my work.
I read, analyse and get flashbacks.
From the pain, to the confusion to the love and back to the pain.
The nightmares to my greatest dream and back again to my nightmares.

My work reminds me of how hard my life has been. How painful it has been.
I read my work not all of it but the ones I can handle I read.
I see a child in me then, searching for freedom within my heart.
Searching for some parts of me that I lost.
But then I read a piece further than that. The piece where I gave up on searching for the lost part of me because by then I would have evolved.
Turned into someone stronger who still carries the heavy weight of my past.

Sometimes I read a piece, the ones I'm not supposed to touch and I collapse, my body relapses.
Goes in a neutral stance of holding my legs close to my chest, rocking myself back and forth and asking for the memories to disappear.

But sometimes they don't and I end up appreciating that. I write more about it. Put on a smile and move on. I can't always be down.

And on most days I write about her, my smile, my freedom. The one girl who has picked me up from the darkness and is still picking me up. I'm picking her up as  well. It's like we're saving each other. I write about her and write and write and write and write till my hearts content.

Sometimes I read my work and realise there are people who read it too and I am grateful.

Shall I compare thee to a winders breeze?
Thou art more cool and clement
Thou art more shinier than the nights stars.
Tis the day they know
The day that they realise how it is you that I cannot fathom.

You have always whispered to me the true nature of the world.
Your energy radiating a voice so pure,
A voice so humbly harmonized
A voiced groomed to perfection,
A sound so perfectly aligned, moved by the hands that have orchestrated.
A sound that has raised my soul through its perfect symphonies.

Shall I say that the winds have whispered to me?
Shakespeare has driven me to an era so old.
An era so new.
An era for hope.

Travel with me.
Let us move to the Victorian lifestyle
Let us challenge Science, philosophy and the wonders of what is now.
Dive into this lifestyle.
And let us compare then to now.
Shakespearean to Victorian.

Travel with me.
To Sonnet 18.1

I believe in destiny.
Sure I may come off as anti love and non committal but give me the chance to back my statements up.

I’m anti loving someone when you as a human with a beautiful soul cannot see the lighter aspects of yourself.
I’m anti loving another person when you can’t find love in yourself.
It’s somewhat painful and distasteful to want to receive a perfectly beating heart and give back uncertainty because you can’t love yourself.

I’m non committal because I see it in you.
Doubt, fear on what you could find to be true.
You shadow these thoughts and let them take over you.
You let the past of other people define what you see of me and treat me lesser than them.
I’m non committal because your heart is in lust and your soul is charred and blown to dust.

I believe in destiny.
I believe that in a world exists two or more of our soulmates.
I believe each soulmate is for each specific moment and that a specific two are for a more permanent mark.

Your first soulmate shows and teaches you exactly what your soul has been crying and screaming for.
Your second fulfills that underlying pressure the world has put on you about love.
But your second may never come,
Your first may never leave.

But stay believing in love that is yours and you will be okay.

Im anti love and non committal because if you search for these qualities But can never find them in yourself than that toxicity.
That is inhaling the green and spreading it to the lungs of another.

Have you not seen the love that they are portray?
All in it’s broken and incomplete manner.
How can I be so trustful when love doesn’t reside within ourselves first?

Imagine to my surprise when I say.
"You're my soul mate"
"You're my sole date"
"Yet we can't be because of fate"

Imagine to my dismay when he told me.
"She doesn't love right"
"She does't believe in it and so she fights all these emotions with all her might"

Imagine to my chest when,
It heaves
When each breath comes with a tug of pain.
And each beat with a realisation that we cannot be.

I cry.
I scream to the top of my lungs because I know what I want.
"Why doesn't she want me back?"
My soul keeps asking and my spirits keep shaking.
Nodding it's head no!
It doesn't make sense.
Why is the universe so over the fence about us?

Imagine to my soul the pain.
The emotional heart strain.
Truly can I not find and accept love in you?

You're my soul mate.
My one true fate.
So why can I not get closer?
Why must you be so far and so cold to me.

In this epiphany I see no us but I feel all of us.
It shouldn't be like this! If I don't get you at the end of the day.
If our souls cannot merge and become one.
Why must my soul convulse  and be torn from limb to limb.

Imagine my sheer disappointment
When knowing my one true cannot be my only true.

Panda this goes out to you.

I am accepting that the universe has linked us to be two of the same but not enough to be one.
It just affects me mentally knowing that what should be my other half is half of someone that I once was and cannot wholly be forever.

It affects me to notice how we synchronise yet we end up breaking apart.
The complexity behind what we had mistaken for simplicity.
Isn't there just a way for us to restart?

To meet in an alternation whereby our souls remain the same yet allow for the two of us to become one?
A universe that allows this to not end in such a dull dark way?

Can't I get a proper ending with you?
You're the soul mate that could be a star crossed lover.
Yet why haven't and why can I not fully experience us?

The stars give me hope.
Their attitude towards darkness is inspiring.
They are forever shinning.

Prior to the trending song, I found solace in the lyrics.
At first, I can admit when I heard the song, I only thought
how Giveon's voice was rich, husky yet so gentle and velvety.

Man was I not wrong.
To believe that I could never relate to his words.
It took some time but I realised.
That for some reason, my heart can't evade you.

Now,
Before this sounds like a confession or anything.
Let's not take it that far, I'm not saying I love you the way I lvoed you then.
I'm not saying, I'm forgetting all the wrong you did to me,
I'm not letting the pain caused go.

But I can't say I don't not think about you.
It feels wrong but it feels right.


If my friends ever found out, I'd be dead by now.
And I understand why, but they wouldn't understand our why not.

I remember how, I wanted to see you, How I spoke it to the universe
Hoping that if I see you, I could have an answer to my what if's and
my why not you's. But at the same time, I didn't want to put that out,
I- No we have moved on by now.
We found people that are good for us.
We can't mess this up, I can't mess it up.

I wondered, If everything my heart yearned for was muscle memory.
I always did go out of my way to see you.
Whether you were mine or not.

"I can't say I love you no more, Because my friends gon judge me for sure"
"It took some time but I realised"
"You do me wrong and it feels nice"

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK ON YOU.

For some months, my biggest worry was that writers block was going to engulf me.
Which ironically it did. And no one really understands how trough writers block is.
Because all you want to do is express yourself but you can't.
It's frustrating.

Spending all my nights waiting for inspiration to call me.
It being the only thing I want before I fall asleep.
It's daunting.
It's as haunting as all the demons that wrap themselves around me at night.
Telling me I'm no good, I'm no writer.
But you still fight, you disregard all those negatives.
Because I'm a poet, its my prerogative
Poetry is my one sedative.
Surly I should be able to write.

So here I am, listening to a song that brings a smile to my face
and all I can picture is you.
All I can feel is how you make my heart race.
It's wild but its as if you're a stronger safe space compared to what poetry used to be.
And oddly enough that eases my mindset,
It's as if my writer's block has been sent free.

"You're the only one I want by my side when I fall asleep"
Not necessarily to write about the many million things going on in my life.
I have you for that... well not only that.
But I have you who hears me louder than poetry.
I have you to listen and not criticise or overthink my words.
I have you to listen and understand what I'm solely trying to say.

"Tell me what I'm waiting for Tell me what I'm waiting for I know it's hard, but we need each other, Know it's hard, but we need each other"

Whenever I have inspiration, I tend to get excited.
And naturally knowing my flow, I grab what's here and there.
But take it easy with me.
I have all the words and I have to use them.
No matter how jumbled it is.
I just have to.

Spending all my nights thinking about you,
You're the only one I want by my side whenever anything happens
Waiting for that one moment, I can fully show the world that I am yours.

Spending all my nights waiting for you to call me.
Spending all my nights reminiscing to every good and bad moment
Concluding that I want you to know that, Imma be there for you.
You're the only one I want by my side when I fall asleep and when I wake up.

You're the coffee that I need in the morning.
Through drought and famine, natural disasters, my baby you have been around for me.

Everytime you hold my hand I feel it.
Who would have thought I'd meet you.
Who would have thought I'd get to be embraced with a love so strong and beautiful.
It's only you and I.
Everything I need, is all that you are.

You're all that I need.
Not poetry.
Who would have thought I'd find you.
Who would have thought I'd fall this hard?
And I'll take my time to really uncover the poetry that you are.
The real poetry I have been needing in my life.
Not the one that appeases others.
Not one that seeks for criticism or plays false pretence.

Just pure poetry that portrays the strongest form of love ever.

Man.
You don't know do you?
That when you hold me
And when you kiss me
It's the sweetest thing.
And it don't change it only grows.

I just want you to see how beautiful you are.
Wherever you go, I'll follow.

You feel like all seasons combined to one.
I don't even know how to put it,
You're the sunshine to my life.
The warmth that protects me from the cold.
The coolness that protects me from the harsh sun.
The warm Autumn breeze that brushes my face,
The spring that brings everything to life.

I've been waiting my whole life, to find
Someone like you.

How far we go always seems to get better with time.
I'm yours, girl.

INTERLUDE

“Don’t you ever get tired of being the savior?”
“Because I don’t think anyone will ever love you properly anymore”

PRELUDE

All you ever needed was someone to stop you from being hero.
Someone to tell you to break down and help you not feel hallow.
Who’s here to watch you?
To tell you that “I’m your shoulder to cry on”

Who’s there to protect you.
Guide and wrap you tight in the softest hugs?
To embrace your broken battered soul and help you feel less empty?
Why must your strength force you to pay the price so hefty?

DREAMS

“Give me the chance to not only be your protector but your lover. Let me Take care of you, let me be the one to do all that you have done, I know your soul is broken, that your mindset is shattered. So give yourself to me and gladly allow for my catering”

REALITY

All that should be
Yet here lies my ego. Standing tall, representing pride.
While my soul wilts and my heart darkens to my reality.

“I’m not worth saving”

The girl who cried.

Tears burning her cheeks,
Slapping them red.

"She cried wolf!" they spattered.
"It's not our fault!" they defended.

Strangled by her muffles
Burnt by her cracks.

The girl cried wolf,
They howled to show their support

Being with you has to be one of the most heart wrecking thing I've ever experienced.

Surrounding myself with you and communicating with you is a constant reminder of how much I'm falling for you while you're intensively falling for him.

You’re the one the I need.
You’re the one that I wanted.
You’re the one I get hurt for
You’re the one that I lean on.

I sit outside contemplating if I’ll ever have the right words to fully orchestrate the greatest love song.
Pondering on the ideology behind each symphony and melody.
Trying to figure out if I can truly compensate for each octave. After all I’m no singer.

I stand before a very large crowd. All eyes on me. I hear each murmur from the background. It would seem they are all waiting on me.
Dressed and draped in black, my hands begin to shiver, sweat trickling down my forehead.
I don’t have the voice for this. How on earth do I put on the greatest show.

Deep breath, inhale, exhale. I tell myself. If it’s all for a love like no other.
Surely I can make this work. Somehow I can. Because if it’s for her. Then I need to become the greatest showman to date.

I want to say things like “I’ve never believed in fate and that every fibre in me believes there’s no destiny. That I always sought love to be superficial or more of a fantasy.”
However I’ve always been a sucker for romance.
And I always believed that love could enhance every bit of our surrounding. And in saying so. I am stating to you that you’re my comfort in ending. And I hope that having a knowledge of this is profound. Because at the end of the day, you’re the only love I need and have found.

I stare in awe at the crowd. At first lost for words. But to the thought of you, I’ve found inspiration. At the sight of you, my confidence sky rockets. I don’t know if you know but you’re my motivation. And for as long as I can imagine, all that I want and need is within you.

I’m a victim of love.
I have stood before Cupid and allowed for him to take a mugshot of me love drunk.
I’ve been in a position whereby I fought love and thought it was love.
But my reality always pulled me out of this dream. Dragged by gravity. I realised it was all idealised, conceptualised misunderstandings of what I thought was what my heart needed.
Because at the end of the day. The love I had given out was never reciprocated. It made me feel as if I was doomed.
As if I was to be consumed by the world and to be hastily chewed up and spit by the people that took my heart only to decide that it wasn’t good enough.

Feeling like you’re not good enough and being put in that situation is painful. I remember fully telling myself that I cannot be that again. I need love that is not only healthy but will help me grow and become better and be in a case of “Finally, I feel at home”

When you walked and came into my life. I never expected that.
I know I was wholly curious about you.
I know I wanted to know more, I wanted to know what makes you smile, what makes you laugh, what makes you happy, sad, confused, confident, what ticks you off, what angers you, what makes you. So you.
And how can I be apart of your life. How can I see that smile everyday and make you laugh and make you see the world the way I see it in your eyes.

And it’s weird. I know.
But when i heard your name for the first time.
It felt like my heart finally found its other half.
I love you.