Jack Schwartzman had one daughter and three sons.
This producer died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 61.
Sadly, he lost his life thirty years ago today.
His family mourned when he passed away.
He produced "Lionheart" and "Never Say Never Again".
He also produced "Bed & Breakfast" and "Cold Heaven".
His family and friends know that he died too soon.
He died thirty years ago in 1994 on the 15th of June.

I found out why a lot of people started hating me.
I was a screenwriter and I wrote Superman III.
I never dreamed that I'd be bullied when I became a screenwriter.
But people think my writing ***** and I had to become a fighter.
The Warner Bros. executives quickly wished they had thrown my screenplay in the trash.
Years later, I wrote an even worse screenplay which is titled 'The Adventures of Pluto Nash'.
My days of being a screenwriter were over and I was in tears.
Eddie Murphy beat the hell out of me because I ruined his career.
Other people also beat me up so I started taking karate classes.
I earned a black belt and I started kicking people's *****.
If you're another bully, I need to tell you something before we start fighting.
You should back off because I'm far better at karate than I am at screenwriting.

Some call him a ******* and others call him a ****.
But everybody hates that dog that's on Duck Hunt.
When you shoot at ducks but miss, that **** dog laughs.
It makes you so mad that you want to unleash your wrath.

I want to tell you about a discovery of mine.
I've learned how to shoot and **** that canine.
To get the secret, you'll have to pay me $29.99 but that's cheap.
People would pay $1000 to **** that dog because he's a creep.

Every time that dog laughs at you, it makes you shout.
But with my information, you can blow his brains out.
That pesky dog has laughed many times before.
But pay me $29.99 and he won't laugh anymore.

You died half a year ago tonight and I had to say goodbye.
It was six months ago when I watched you die.
It's never easy when a man loses a dog as special as you.
If somebody says that you were awesome, it will be true.
You were in the living room with me when I watched you take your final breath.
When I had to watch you die, it was extremely painful to have to face your death.
You had chocolate brown fur and you're a dog who I'll never forget.
You died on a Saturday night and when you died, I lost a great pet.

Six Christmases ago, you were still alive.
The Christmas of 2012 was your last Christmas because you didn't survive.
That was the last Christmas that I was able to spend with you and Dad.
You died nearly three months later because the situation was so bad.

In 2012, you said it might be your last Christmas and sadly, you were right.
You shined like a star but that star faded, a star that shined so bright.
I thought you'd see more Christmases but I didn't know what the future had in store.
If I had known that it would be your last Christmas, I would've appreciated it more.

This will be the fifth Christmas that I'll be spending without you.
You always made Christmas better and that is certainly true.
The Christmas of 2012 was the last Christmas when you were still alive.
Merry Christmas Mom, I still carry you in my heart as Christmas of 2017 arrives.

If I ever get married, I'll put God first instead of my wife.
God is our creator and he's the most important in my life.
If I ever get married, I'll stand by my wife for better or worse.
But she will always come second because I will put God first.

When it comes to my neighbor, I usually have a fit.
He irritates the hell out of me and he's a chicken ****.
He has wild parties that last until 3 A.M.
I'm sick of having to put up with him.
When I went to his house one night,
I made the mistake of challenging him to a fight.
When he showed up for the fight, the wimp brought along four other guys.
He talks tough but when it comes to being a chicken ****, he takes the prize.
Showing up with four other men made him feel empowered.
I got my *** handed to me but unlike him, I'm not a coward.
All five of them beat the crap out of me and they made me eat their fists.
Now I have to gum my food because my teeth are gone and sorely missed.
But at least I was able to land one very hard punch.
I hit my neighbor in the belly and he lost his lunch.
It didn't take long to realize something that I'm not ashamed to admit.
I got the living hell beat out of me but at least I'm not a chicken ****.

Some Chihuahua dogs are hateful but you weren't hateful in the least.
You were a very special dog and it's painful because you're deceased.
Just one month ago today, you were still alive.
It's sad and heartbreaking because you didn't survive.
I didn't realize that you were sick until it was too late.
I lost a terrific dog and it's something I'll always hate.
I was hoping you'd survive long enough for me to take you to a vet.
But the animal hospitals were closed and it's something that I regret.
You were wonderful and it was painful to watch you die.
When a man loses a great dog, it's hard to say goodbye.
Your life came to an end in the evening on the ninth of December.
You were my Sweetie Pie and you're a pet who I'll always remember.

Even though you did me wrong, I've written a few poems about you.
You came in my house and stole some pills, that was a bad thing to do.
You also borrowed some money but didn't repay what you owed.
Sadly, you can't celebrate this Christmas because you died half a year ago.
This will be the first Christmas since 1969 that you're not alive.
You died six months ago today, you weren't able to survive.
You had a heart murmur but half a year ago, your heart stopped beating.
When it came to death, it was something you had no chance of defeating.

I got revenge but it was a hollow victory.
Instead of getting pleasure, it horrified me.
Last year, a man ***** and murdered my little sister.
The pain is unbearable and I sure have missed her.
That punk got off because he was related to the Kennedys.
His underhanded lawyer convinced a jury to set him free.
When he came home last week, I used a knife to disembowel him.
I leapt out from behind some bushes and his death was grim.
I thought his death would make me feel really good.
But killing him didn't please me like I thought it would.
It shocked and horrified me, I feel even worse than I did before.
What I'm feeling on the inside is just too much for me to ignore.
I'm going to turn myself in no matter what punishment it brings.
I've learned the hard way that revenge isn't a good thing.

I bought a picture of Jesus and it's hanging on my wall.
When a man walks with Jesus, he has it all.
Jesus lived on Earth and died to pay for our sins.
Without him and his father, mankind can not win.
I've learned a lot about Jesus at the Kingdom Hall.
When a man walks with Jesus, he has it all.

The crisis in California is heartbreaking and it certainly is dire.
I donated $20.00 to the American Red Cross to help the victims of the wildfires.
I donated and I encourage you to donate too.
It will certainly be a kind thing for you to do.
The situation is horrible and there is no doubt.
Please donate to these people to help them out.

It was my moral duty to operate and in many people's eyes, I was admired.
I did what needed to be done and because of that, I was fired.
Four years ago, a baby was born with Down Syndrome and he had a heart defect.
Because of his mental impairment, he was a baby who his parents chose to reject.
I told the parents that without an operation, their baby would die.
They told me not to operate and sadly, I understood the reason why.
They wanted him to die because of his Down Syndrome and some others and I protested.
The parents were taken to court but the judge agreed with what the parents requested.
Even though that **** judge upheld the parents decision, I operated anyway.
I saved that baby's life but my superiors were outraged and decided to make me pay.
I was fired but because of public outcry, they said that I would be reinstated.
I told them to go jump off a cliff, I wouldn't work for a hospital that I hated.
I was fired because of my moral scruples but I had the last laugh.
Now I work at a better hospital and I've become the Chief of Staff.

When it comes to underprivileged people, you are nothing but an abuser.
You believe that people who get food stamps and other free food are losers.
When a church gave free food to the poor, you said that church supports bums.
You look down on people who are less fortunate than yourself and that is dumb.

You judge people who can't afford to pay for the food that they eat.
They struggle to pay bills and they have trouble making ends meet.
When I call you a stuck up twit, it's certainly true.
If anybody qualifies to be a loser, it is you.

He's the Son of God and he was the greatest man who ever lived.
He's compassionate and he has always been willing to forgive.
He's the Son of God and his blood was collected in the Holy Grail.
Jesus died for Mankind's sins, he died so that we won't go to Hell.
He's the Son of God and his death brought a lot of tears.
They nailed him to the cross and impaled him with a spear.
He's the Son of God and in certain bibles, his words appear in red.
He was in agony as he was crucified and then sadly, he was dead.
He's the Son of God and he rose from his tomb after he died.
They couldn't end Christ's existence even though they tried.
He's the Son of God and he could resurrect the dead and make the blind see.
Because he's so wonderful, he means a lot to you and he means a lot to me.

It has been half a century since the first moon landing.
It was a historical event that was absolutely outstanding.
The Apollo 11 landed on the moon's surface fifty years ago today.
Two astronauts walked on the moon which is over 238,000 miles away.
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were pioneers like Daniel Boone.
On July 20, 1969, Armstrong and Aldrin landed on the moon.
As Armstrong stepped on the moon's surface, he said "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
When those brave astronauts left the moon to come home, the American flag was something they left behind.
I wasn't alive in 1969 so the moon landing wasn't something that I was able to witness.
But I'm guessing that it was awesome for those who were alive, a wonderful experience.
NASA is an independent agency of the United States Federal Government.
I wish I could've seen the moon landing because it was one hell of an event.

We have very little money so we're living in our truck.
We are in need of shelter but sadly, we are out of luck.
My wife's dad offered to give us shelter but we had to obey his rules.
I turned him down, some people call me a rebel, others call me a fool.
I would **** to have a bed that is nice and soft.
Winter is coming up so we'll freeze our ***** off.
When a man cussed my wife and I out, he had the mouth of a sailor.
He beat me up because we secretly moved into his travel trailer.
He said we could've lived in his travel trailer if we had asked first.
As he beat me senseless, I thought I would be hauled in a hearse.
We are both broke, people certainly can't say that we have big bucks.
Because I'm a rebel who won't live by rules, we'll continue to live in our truck.

God truly deserves people's praise.
God deserves it for all of our days.
The good things that God has done are too many to list.
Without God, people would not exist.
God started the Human Race in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve.
God exists even though it's something that certain people don't believe.
God will be there for people always.
He certainly does deserve our praise.

The Bible is a how-to book, it teaches people how to gain eternal life.
Please read it and share it with your children and your husband or wife.
It teaches us not to worship false gods and not to steal.
It teaches us not to commit adultery and not to lie or ****.
It teaches us that Jesus died on the cross to pay for our sins.
If you read the Bible and obey God's Ten Commandments, you will win.

You're not truly dead just as long as people remember you.
And if I have my way, that is exactly what people will do.
Your role as a mother began in 1967 and ended in 2013.
Your death was devastating, it was the worst thing I've ever seen.

When the doctor said you would probably die, my brother and I were afraid.
You were a fantastic and caring mother for four and a half decades.
My brother and I were the only two children that you had.
When you passed away, I was miserable and it was so sad.

I feel better now but your death has left a scar.
It's great to know that Heaven is where you are.
Back in 2013, we were miserable because you passed away.
If you were still alive, I would wish you a happy Mother's Day.

I broke one of God's Commandments when I stole an extension cord.
I was struck by a bolt of lightning because I angered The Lord.
God is cracking down on those who break his Ten Commandments.
You'd better listen to what I'm saying because I'm making a lot of sense.
When I chose to be a used car salesman, it wasn't a decision that was wise.
God struck me with leprosy because it's my job to constantly tell lies.
I haven't broken just a few of God's Commandments, I've broken all ten.
God is cracking down, he is making me pay for each and every sin.
Because I've become a *****, I can't get a date with a woman on any night.
When women see me, they wet themselves and start running because of fright.
I have this advice for you, God's Ten Commandments are what you must obey.
God is cracking down, if you break any of his Commandments, you will pay.

Many people are sad because he's no longer here.
Forty years ago, I watched him on Mr. Belvedere.
He played baseball and was a sportscaster as well.
Uecker became a success, he certainly did not fail.

If you're wondering if Bob was a success, the answer is yes.
It shouldn't come as a surprise to you that he was a success.
Uecker proved to the entire world that he could act.
He helped to make Mr. Belvedere a hit and that's a fact.

My eleven year old son decided to steal my car.
He drove to the theater and sneaked in to watch a movie that is rated R.
The film is about zombies who rise from the dead in a cemetery.
Now he has to sleep with a night light because it was so scary.
He has nightmares that make him scream every night.
He wets his bed and ***** his thumb because of fright.
His screams wake me up every night, I'm tired of having to get out of bed.
If the brat watches another R rated movie, I'll slap him upside his head.
My eyes are red and puffy because I haven't slept in three weeks.
I'm tired of changing his sheets four times a night when he leaks.
My wife blames me and she hits me so hard that I see stars.
My life is in turmoil because of a **** movie that is rated R.

I want to go to a time when things were great.
I wish that I could travel back in time to 1978.
I'd like to revisit the seventies because I loved that decade.
Back then, 8 Track tapes and records were still being played.
Songs were clean back then, now they're littered with the F word.
In 1978, music meant something and vulgarity wasn't what we heard.
40 years ago, we had no smart phones and no High Definition TV.
But landline phones and standard definition are just fine with me.
Video games ****** back then but I could live with an Atari.
If I could revisit 1978, I dojn't think that I would be sorry.

It was two decades ago today when an actor took his final breath.
When he starred in Doctor Who, he starred in "The Robots of Death".
His name was Russell Hunter and he was born in February of 1925.
Next year would've been his 100th birthday if he had survived.
Hunter starred in nineteen episodes of "The Gaffer" and one episode of "Born and Bred".
People in England were sad twenty years ago today because they learned he was dead.
In 1976, he starred in one episode of "Play From A".
He also starred in "Daddy's Girl" and "Up Pompeii".
Hunter starred in "The Cockleshell Heroes" and one episode of "The Bill".
When it comes to forgetting him, the good people of England never will.

You were an actor and your death has caused remorse.
You starred in 'Me, Myself and Irene' and 'Delta Force'.
I became your fan at the age of eight when you starred in 'The Black Hole'.
Some people hated that movie but I like it and your death has taken its toll.
You guest starred in 'Magnum P.I., '******, She Wrote' and 'Walker, Texas Ranger'.
You had a  ton of fans who you never met but in their eyes, you weren't a stranger.
When you starred in 'Jackie Brown', you were nominated for an Oscar.
Because of your talent, you were destined to be a wonderful movie star.
You starred in the 1998 remake of '******' and 'Small Town Crime'.
Because of your charisma, you'll be remembered until the end of time.

I gave my daughter $10,000 for Christmas and she gave me a hammer and a box of nails.
I tried to raise her properly but obviously I failed.
I give her $10,000 every year and she gives me a piece of crap.
It takes all of my will power to stop myself from giving her a slap.

Last year, the ungrateful witch gave me a plunger.
Now I'm broke and about to die because of hunger.
I'm not a rich man but when it comes to the ten grand, she expects to receive it.
When it comes to the lousy gifts she gives, it's probably hard for you to believe it.

One year she gave me a turkey baster and another year, she gave me a broken rod and reel.
If she wasn't my only daughter, I would hire a hitman to ****.
She demands $10,000 every year even though it's so steep.
She never buys me a good present because she's too cheap.

As I walked down the highway, I saw a dog that had been killed by a car.
That poor animal had irresponsible owners, whoever they are.
If a person is irresponsible, they should not own any pets.
Even though it wasn't my dog, seeing it dead filled me with regret.
I felt sorry for that poor dog and angry because of the owner's irresponsibility.
The dog was allowed to walk down the highway, the owner is to blame entirely.
Because of the irresponsible owner, that unfortunate dog's fate was sealed.
If that dog would've had a better owner, the dog wouldn't have gotten killed.
If you own any pets, please take good care of them.
Because if you don't, they might die and it will be grim.

Today is May the 25th and it's Memorial Day.
We're paying tribute to those who fought and died for the USA.
Many brave soldiers gave their lives.
We're paying tribute to the ones who didn't survive.
Many brave soldiers have fought and died.
They were heroes and that can't be denied.

I'm angry because my wife turned out to be a shopaholic ****.
She thinks she owns me just because her name is tattooed on my ****.
Even though I'm a poor man, my wife believes in living large.
My credit cards are maxed out because of what she's charged.
I go hungry while she and her lovers go to five star restaurants and order caviar.
I got my *** kicked when I tried to stop two large men from repossessing my car.
She brings her lovers to my house, the ***** doesn't even try to be discreet.
I'm about to pass out because for the last four days, I've had nothing to eat.
I just knocked her out, put her in a crate and mailed her to Japan.
I'm doing a terrible thing to the Japanese but at least I'm a free man.
I don't have to worry about her returning and going berserk.
She'll be stuck in Japan because she's too **** lazy to work.
My hair has turned solid gray because of what she did to me.
I may look like an eighty year old but I'm so happy to be free.

He was a terrific actor and his name was Ted Cassidy.
He portrayed Lurch and Thing in The Addams Family.
He decided to be an actor which was a good choice.
He was six-feet-nine tall and he had a deep voice.
He was the narrator during the opening credits of The Incredible Hulk TV show.
He died in January of 1979 which was forty years ago.
He starred in a few episodes of Star Trek and once in Daniel Boone.
When we lost this man at the young age of 46, we lost him too soon.

The Kool-Aid Man isn't cool at all, he's actually a ****.
He's a low life **** bag who poisons people with drugs.
He puts the drugs in the kool-aid, mostly ******* and ****.
He doesn't care that his products cause addiction and death.
He doesn't care who he hurts just as long as he gets paid.
The cops just found his hideout, it's a raid.
He fired at the police because he's out of control.
The police just opened fire and filled him full of holes.
But instead of spilling blood, kool-aid was what was spilled.
Everybody can rest easy because the Kool-Aid Man has been killed.
That's the end of the Kool-Aid Man distributing coke and ****.
The Kool-Aid Man flipped off the cops with his final breath.
The Kool-Aid Man fought the law but he didn't win.
That fat and bloated punk will never say "Oh Yeah!" again.

A judge ordered me to pay my ex-wife alimony.
I told him that his ruling was a bunch of baloney.
I refused to pay her anything because while we were married, she cheated.
She broke her wedding vows, it was a shameful way for me to be treated.
When I refused to pay alimony, the judge sent me to jail.
I've been ***** ten times by the man who shares  my cell.
It was the principle of the thing, that's why I refused to pay.
My cellmate is about to violate me again, I've had better days.
I hope a cop or prison guard can hear me as I begin to shout.
I'll pay my ex-wife whatever she wants if they'll let me out.

When I tell people that my name is Justin Bred,
they think that I'm a hick with no brain in my head.
Everybody who I know thinks that I'm married to my sister.
When they see us together, they ask why they've never seen me kiss her.
When people hear my name, they falsely accuse me of ******.
Because of this misunderstanding, my life has become a mess.
Women slap my face and they call me sick.
Everybody believes that I'm an ****** hick.
I'm sick of having to tell everybody that I'm Justin Bred, not just ******.
If you ask me how long I've been married to my sister, I'll cut off your head.

Instead of behaving like a civilized Human Being, Hell was what he chose to raise.
My brother had a fit because I used the last of his mayonnaise.
I used the last of it to make some coleslaw.
The nut got so mad that he called the law.

He actually had me arrested for theft.
All because there was no mayonnaise left.
Today, I replaced his mayo but I accidentally got mayo that's light.
He became enraged because of my mistake and was ready to fight.

He cussed me out and called me every name in the book.
Now he's unconscious because I have a strong right hook.
I've had all of his BS that I can stand, I can't stand anymore.
Even though he's bigger than me, I made him eat the floor.

You come into my house and try to cram political correctness down my throat.
I'm sick and tired of hearing you run your big mouth, you're on a sinking boat.
You try to tell me how to talk and how to believe.
You're not welcome in my house, you'd better leave.
You won't force your views on me.
You say that my lifestyle is wrong but I don't agree.
You continue to run your mouth and you refuse to stop.
You're refusing to leave so now I'm going to call the cops.
When I put you in jail, you certainly won't be missed.
You call yourself politically correct but I call you a fascist.

A British actor entertained people as Selwyn Froggitt and The Gaffer.
During his 89 years of life, Bill Maynard gave millions the gift of laughter.
He starred in a few episodes of both 'Worzel Gummidge' and 'Heartbeat'.
He starred once in both 'The Ugliest Girl In Town' and 'Coronation Street'.

When he died, it was hard for all of his fans to get a grip.
He died in a hospital not long after falling and breaking his hip.
It was twelve months ago when he passed away.
Sadly, we lost a talented actor one year ago today.

The best thing that money is good for is that it tells us that God is who we should trust.
In the Garden of Eden, God gave life to Adam after creating him from dust.
But Adam and Eve didn't trust God when he asked them not to eat from the forbidden tree.
They trusted the serpent instead and ignored God's command and they both paid dearly.
Many people are obsessed with making money because it buys nice things.
But the world seems to have forgotten what putting on trust in God can bring.
We live in a world that has been consumed by greed, violence and lust.
The world would be in a better shape if God was the one who many more people would trust.

While I was driving a Monster Truck, I ran over Mister Ed.
I accidentally ran over that talking horse and now he's dead.
Mister Ed said "F* you" to me with his final breath.
Millions of people are upset because of his death.

That horse let out a smelly **** before he died.
When his owner saw what happened, he cried.
Wilbur Post called Peta and that got me in a lot of trouble.
I was sued and the only lawyer I could afford was Barney Rubble.

I lost the lawsuit because Barney is stupid because he's from the Stone Age.
When I couldn't pay Wilbur ten million bucks, the cops locked me in a cage.
Please listen to my advice or you may go to jail and your spouse will get a divorce.
If you ever drive a Monster Truck, you'd better not run over somebody's talking horse.

Most children want toys for Christmas but I wanted revenge.
Santa put me on his naughty list and what I did made him cringe.
I called the cops and told them that Santa molested me.
The cops went to the North Pole and arrested him, there will be no presents under people's trees.

He put me on the naughty list because I yanked a girl's ponytail.
The punishment didn't fit the crime so now Santa is rotting in jail.
What Santa did was unfair so now I'm making him pay.
And he's really unhappy because his cellmate is gay.

I heard that Santa has been sexually assaulted every day he's been in jail.
There is no money at the North Pole so the elves aren't able to post bail.
What I did may have been wrong but it feels so right.
I got revenge and no gifts will be delivered on Christmas night.

You wanted revenge against a man because he was sleeping with your wife.
So you dragged him into a dark alley and stabbed him to death with a knife.
You felt pretty good because you got rid of your wife's lover.
But you killed the wrong one, you killed the man's twin brother.

You didn't know that your wife's lover had an identical twin.
You stabbed him ninety times, you stabbed him over and over again.
You must have been boiling with hate to stab him that many times.
Karma caught up with you, you're in jail for committing that crime.

You robbed that poor man's family of a husband and dad.
You killed somebody who was innocent and that is so sad.
When I look into your eyes, I can see the remorse that you feel.
You got life without parole so when it comes to being released from prison, you never will.

I have no father on Father's Day.
Six years ago, Dad passed away.
Dad died at the young age of sixty-five.
Because of Leukemia, he couldn't survive.

I also lost Mom just four months earlier.
It was sad to have to see their deaths occur.
Dad died in 2013 and he was born in 1947.
When Dad died, his soul went to Heaven.

She was my mom and I loved her with all of my heart and soul.
When she died, it was so devastating that I nearly lost control.
She always had my back, when somebody messed with me, they messed with her.
She was a very special and wonderful lady and I'm certain that you'll concur.
When she died, it sure did take its toll.
I loved her with all of my heart and soul.

When he left us, he left us too soon.
He starred in 13 episodes of "Tycoon".
It was a day that all of his fans were sure to hate.
Christopher left us at the young age of fifty-eight.
He starred in "The Distracted Preacher" and "The Boy Friend".
Many people were surprised when his life came to an end.
In addition to being an actor, Gable was a ballet dancer.
This talented man lost his life in 1998 because of cancer.
He starred as "Sharaz Jek" when he starred in Doctor Who.
Christopher was a special individual and that's certainly true.

It hasn't been the worst or best year that I've seen.
Tonight at 12 A.M., It will be the end of 2017.
The year 2018 will soon be here.
It will be the beginning of a new year.
I hope people will do better, I hope there will be less sin.
I hope that humanity will improve as the year 2018 begins.

It's important for people to please God and Jesus.
We should please them because they please us.
We can please them by being honest and not cheating, stealing, killing or lying.
We may fail when we attempt to do these things but that shouldn't stop us from trying.
The world is going to Hell in a hand basket, it's like a disease.
But if we try to do our best, God and Jesus will be pleased.

When I built a time machine, I traveled back to 1977 and gave my younger self a hard smack.
When I was a child, I bought the Star Wars action figures and removed them from their packs.
I told my younger self not to do that because it ruins the value of the dolls.
Even though I traveled back in time, he ignored me, he didn't listen at all.
He continued to remove the figures from the packs and so I traveled back in time again.
This time I took a gun with me and I got so angry that I shot my younger self in the shin.
I begged him not to remove the figures from the packs but he ignored every word.
He told me to f* off and then the little ******* gave me the bird.
He thought I was bluffing and he left me with no choice but to pull the trigger.
That bullet was painful enough to convince him not to ruin the value of my figures.
That bullet is still in my shin and when I sit down, it really hurts and I cry like a little *****.
But it's worth it because a collector paid me $1,000,000 for my figures and now I'm rich.

I once drove a brand new car ,and lived in a nice apartment.
But now I'm dirt poor, and I live down by the lake in a tent.
I get angry because of people's attitudes.
People laugh at me because I eat dog food.
I eat it every day because it's cheap.
People laugh because they're creeps.
I started eating dog food because I saw David Letterman do it.
It looked mighty tasty when I saw him chew it.
I eat it at the beach, while riding on buses and subways, and at the park.
I'm getting worried because all of that dog food has started making me bark.
I've also started licking my ****, and fetching sticks.
When women see me eat dog food, it makes them sick.
If you're wondering if I'll quit, the answer is no.
I'll never stop eating dog food, I need my Alpo.
Please don't point and laugh at me, please don't be rude.
Everybody thinks that I'm a freak because I eat dog food.

Arthenia was my aunt and she was as kind as she could be.
She was a loving mother and wife who lived in Sneedville, Tennessee.
She was appreciated by her husband and the three children that she had.
Now she's in Heaven which is a better place, she's with my mom and dad.
When we lose somebody special, we always ask why.
Her daughter and sons names are Hope, Dennis and Levi.
She was married to my uncle for 43 years.
It's really sad because she's no longer here.
When such a special person dies, it's a shame.
She was unique and Arthenia was her name.

Frank Sutton was an actor who died half a century ago.
He starred in one episode of "The Andy Griffith Show".
He starred in every episode of "Gomer Pyle: USMC".
Sutton died fifty years ago today at the age of fifty.
People were sad because he wouldn't be coming back.
Sutton's life came to an end when he had a heart attack.
He starred in "The Twilight Zone" and "Town Without Pity".
He starred in "Armstrong Circle Theater" and "Naked City".
He starred in "Love, American Style" and "Valentine's Day".
Sutton would be 100 years old if he hadn't passed away.