Army crawl through dirt
We are dodging the missiles
Oh no! I've been hit!
Cigarette burns, hole in my
skirt. Oh what a childhood!

Sister, who are you?
I see you day after day playing this game of charades.
I've known you from day one.
I was child number two.
I followed you, you were my peer.
Please don't take this badly, I'm being sincere.

Remember the guy with the mohawk and the piercings?
You don't like to talk about him, I know.
But look back to then, remember yourself at that time. Black haired girl, getting pierced, dark eyed and alone.
Your screaming music piercing our ear drums,
we watched this guy make you dumb.
Just like your man you were hard to stand.

All I want is for you to be yourself.
Be alone for a bit.
See how it works.
Experiment.
Don't fall in love with some worthless guy,
or make friends with the "hippie vibes."
We talk about mom.
I know you don't want to be her.
Make a list of what you guys have in common.
It's a long list, I fear.
Jenny, best friends for a while. Parties!  You guys were wild.
We were happier though, you seemed to have friends.
You guys grew up then.
The parties stopped…well somewhat!
You were dancing to a different tune, making jewelry, smoking ****!
Life was fun for you indeed.
Then, Jenny got pregnant, you were there.
Holding her hand through the scare.
Then you had your own place with Jenny and baby Ben.
You were only twenty-one then!
That's until Jenny went away.
Your first time alone.
What did you do?
You found a man to hold that empty hand.

Please! I want to know! Who are you?
I see you trying to blend in with those around you,
but you, yourself is getting lost.
There is a wall between us,
please knock the wall down.
Your more like a close friend that is always around.
I want to know your hobbies,
your thoughts,
your own opinions,
without the guidance of those whose mind, yours isn't.


Steve.
First of all he was way too old!
It didn't matter though, or so you told.
He wants to move and so do you!
With steve came new hobbies!
Rock climbing is so much Fun!
What were we to do but give in?
Hurry lets buy her gifts!
Rock climbing gear from the legs to the wrists!
But tell me Laura…
after you and steve said your goodbyes…
When was the last time you took a climb?


Jenny's back!
and she brought Dupray!
Dupray?
Dupray?!?!
We hoped.
We prayed.
Please god not Dupray!!!!
Where is Steve? Bring that dude back!
Forever I won't take for granted that worthless rat!
But it's too late…Steve's gone.
"Hi Dupray, so Laura is your new mom?"


Her life is now a long, depressing song.
That annoying song is on repeat I fear.
The biggest moocher of all is living with her.
Laura's life is becoming a nightmare!

So here I am.
The question still lingers…
Right now my sisters name is Dupray…
He is the front she is.
Dupray is the role Laura plays.
Hopefully the story with Dupray will end.
Maybe Laura will fall in love again?
Hopefully with an awesome dude!
I hope she'll have self confidence,
then Laura won't be afraid to be herself for once.
That will be the first time I'll be happy to see Laura conform,
Finally I'll see Laura be herself,
writing her own verses to her own song.
Dancing to her own beat.
No more bowing at the feet of those who are lame.
She'll be better then, I hope.
Laura's life will then be dope.

It was a fun day,

childhood memories were being made.

My happiness showing across my face.

So many questions I had,

so many I asked.

I see pink.



Another fun-filled day.

Dad made my favorite dinner.

My excitement was bubbling.

I guess to them it was troubling.

I see pink.



Today was rainy.

I went outside.

I think I'm in trouble.

She yells  "Get inside!"

She had almost gotten my hair dried.

I can tell she is annoyed.

I see pink.



They didn't care about the smile on my little face.

I guess they couldn't keep up with my pace.

I see pink.


I want it now.

I barely even begin to ask,

she is headed to the cabinet.

Plastic shot glass.

Two tablespoons later,

I see pink.


Dream, dream, dream.

Off to sleep.

Thanks for the pink.


A three year old girl who gets a thrill from fairytales.

They say I have to much energy for someone so little.

All they want is for me to sit still.

So they pour me some more Benadryl.

I see pink.

It creeps in the night, a drag in its step.
It looks at me, those blood shot eyes.
It is something I have started to despise.
A small but strong foe.
I hoped it wasn't so as I walked in.
I could feel the heaviness in the air.
Beware. I wont be scared.
I will be fine. I'll confront it, it will then deny.
It doesn't matter though, I'll try.
That blank look peers into my soul.
Selfish, out to destroy me.
The troops wont be deployed.
With my brain it has toyed.
Beware, I need to be prepared.
A step at a time inching toward this beast that awaits.
Then it sees me……
It lunges forward, toward my heart.
It starts to tear me apart.
I crumble to the floor, looking to the door that the beasts is walking toward.
I lay there, now looking at the ceiling, overcome with this sad feeling.
Was this really my meaning?
Breaths getting shorter, it's harder to breathe.  
In my final seconds my eyes start to close.
The beast is at ease.
It is now pleased, standing in the doorway watching me drift away.
The beast then walks away, off to bed.
It rests it head on the pillow getting ready for work tomorrow.
I wake alone in bed.
I walk around the empty house.
It is quiet, it is cold.
I know the story isn't done being told.
When it comes home, I start to have the feeling again.        
With all my fright I walk into the room just to make sure the beast isn't out to play.
I hold it tight, then I look up to see its bloodshot eyes.
It's been a short day, It will be a long arduous night.

There you are, floating man.
pale face against my window.
Are you standing on my bed or hanging from my ceiling?
You are facing my window, but are you peering out?
Your eyes seem closed.
My eyes are barely open.

You are wearing a red stripped shirt that pops off your pale skin.
Your wrinkles are deep. Everything about you is deep.
You seem like you are dead or dying.

It is the morning, and here you are.
just floating over my bed.
I don't know you, who are you?…

An illusion?
A dream?
A ghost?

I fall back asleep and dream about you.
I told myself you were nice and I happened upon a rare moment...
You didn't know I had woke.
You didn't know that I saw you hanging there.
You were just passing by and decided to bask in the morning rays of sun that burst through my window.
Unbeknownst to you, I was watching...


I was scared to open my eyes.
Are you still there?

Why the hell am I so calm?!?
I wake to find you feet from me and I decide to write a poem…

I think I'm drowning
I'm not really positive.
It sure feels like it.

Little baby, I heard you're coming
I wish I was excited, delighted to meet you,
but I am not.

Maybe if your dad wasn't a felon from a bad family
and your mom wasn't an uneducated hippy.
If only they had their life together and it was a whole different situation.

I have no choice but to accept it, to accept you.
Sorry, but I am not thrilled.

This really kills because you are holding her back.
Back from her dreams.
I know this sounds mean, but listen up.
If she has you, you are going to absolutely **** her life up.

Little baby girl, I can call you that because I found out your gender today.
I wish I was excited to find out.
If this was a normal situation I would be happy, but it is not.
But because of you, I am going to have to deal with your **** up of a father for the next 18 years and probably more...

Seriously baby. I kinda hate you...but I love you at the same time.
This is a weird situation.

I worry about you and your future...
I wish that I could take you away the second you are born,
hide you away in a tower, but I don't have that power.
You aren't mine, it's not my right.
Your life is going to be a crazy ride, hold on tight.

You are going to grow up around some really messed up people,
I am worried that they will hurt you.. If they do, I'll **** them.
Every ******* one, super slowly and torture them.
Please be careful little girl.

So, little baby girl...
This is what I am hoping:
You will be born, healthy and pink.
Your mom will leave your dad.
You both will come and live with me.
That would be quite nice, I think.
Your mom will marry some awesome dude that has a career.
A new, wonderful side of your mom will appear.
You will be happy and have the childhood we didn't.
The childhood that we couldn't...

I am sorry.
I am so so sorry.

I know you are not born yet, but I want you to know, that I am here.
I am here for you.
If you ever need a taste of a normal life, come and visit.
Come and stay.
I love you little baby girl and I am sorry.
I am so so sorry.

We army crawl across the dirt and patches of dying grass.

Barely missing us, they passed.

Crawl to one smoldering, watching out for broken glass.

We thoroughly examine it.

The white of the missile contrasts against the dirt.

We hear their cackles.

I hear a familiar click.

I look up toward the deck.

Curiously, I watch a finger press the button of the bic.

From the corner of my eye, I see her mother's fingers flick.

Another missile heading our way.

"Watch out!" my cousin yells to make me alert.

But it was too late.

Why didn't I hear the familiar noise of it hitting the dirt?

I look down and see another cigarette burn a hole through my skirt.

I was too slow.

It was too quick.

Now my skirt is aglow.

Through her half-witted smile, smoke is blown.

I was only six,

They should have known.

For Alice (Who used to be me)

I have believed in fairy tales
Once I walked in worlds of rosy hue
I lived in Wonderland and Counterpane
dreaming dreams I knew would all come true

Morning turns to noon day to evening all too soon
Oz can turn to ashes in just a day
Princes return as frogs to their lily pads
Wonderlands Alice is a matron growing grey

No one comes to kiss the princess as she sleeps,
Knights in shining armor ride no more.
Tinker bell is dying with no one to believe.
The Mad Hatter is laughing at the door.

The dragon is not slain but lives in glory
Roxanne always marries Christian after all
Cinderella sits forever midst the ashes
Too late for Alice the door is much to small

The Emerald City's walls are bottle glass
And reality has crushed them neath its heel
The yellow brick road leads nowhere very quickly
And Alice knows that lonely is the only thing she'll feel

oh! let alice return to Wonderland again,
Away from the mud and slime outside the looking glass.
Life is much to large without that tiny door,
And she would seek the March Hares party where time will never pass.

Plastic, glow-in-the-dark stars
cast lights, at night,
on my bedroom window.

Looking up at them takes me back to when
When, I was awake and I heard you creep in.
You asked if I was still asleep and soon we were looking up at them.

It was just me and you and we sat the whole night through..
Promising me that I won't have to go to sleep
until I see my first with you.

Looking at my window.
if only these plastic stars could shoot across my room
and bring me back to you.
Sitting in those lawn chairs.
I was not prepared
one after another
they passed
making us gasp at how fast they flew
Just me and you.
Just me and you.

The first one passed,
was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
I was a little scared that it wouldn't stop but then you whispered in my ear "make a wish"
So I did.
You didn't make me go back to bed, but instead
we just sat in sweet silence looking up at that night sky.
Another after another passed and I was soon out of wishes.

You gave me my kisses and put me back in bed.
Your little sleepy head.
Memory made
that I think of now and again
especially when I look up to the sky,
remembering that night with you,
my favorite guy.
Just you and I
                                        Just you and I.
                                                                           you and I.
                                                                                                          you and I.
                                                                                                                                         and I.
                                                                                                                                                                  I.
                                                                                                                                                                             I.
                                                                                                                                                                                              I all alone.

I miss the pain of your beard as you rubbed against my face.
I miss your red skin.
I miss the smell of your neck.
I miss your stinky feet.
I miss your thick hair.
I miss your eyes.
I miss your raspy voice.
I didn't think I would miss you this much.
I miss you saying, "good-morning sunshine!" as I woke.
I miss your smile and crooked teeth that accompanied it.
I miss every. little. thing.
Why did you leave?
I want you back.
I want to tell you everything.
I am older and I want to ask you questions I didn't think to ask before.
Your death makes me feel like I wasn't good enough for you.
I want to hug you.
Let's go crazy one more time.
Please.
Months before you died I bought a pair of socks, they said "daddy's girl"
I wanted you to see them.
I thought you would.
You played wolf… I didn't think you were going to die this time.
I miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you.
Why did this happen?
Please come back daddy.
I really miss you.
I love you.
please.

When I was just a little girl,

naive as hell,

I was under your spell.

Life was simple, it was fun...

But that was when I was young.

Now I'm older.

Now I realize.

Now I see the pain in your eyes.

I used to think it was normal every night,

when clock struck 5, and I peered in those bloodshot eyes.

Lying in bed with me you'd cry, cry cry.

Do you know the feeling?

You know, the one when someone you love is in pain.

You, yourself , are a helpless child, you can't do a thing.

Now you lay, passed out, snoring a storm, in your own bed.

I.

All.

Alone.

I lay there, observing the wall.

The sweet taste of a tear, creeping between my closed lips.

Her pain is your pain.

Your pain is mine. 
 
This pain can't be contained.

How can you continue this vicious cycle?

Don't you realize that you were once as I?!?

I don't want my life to be a play, please don't be my queue.

At your age I'll know what to do.

I'm determined to beat this cycle of abuse.

My children will prosper, they will love.

They will not smell ***** when I give them hugs.

All I can say is thank you.

Thank you for teaching me what not to do,

I will try harder because of you.