I didn't fall in love

I stumbled
Into it
I blacked out as if
I'd been hit
It took me by surprise
It even blinded my eyes
Taking me for a ride
All because I met
This one guy
I felt like I was
high
And to my parents I was
shy
And to be honest it was like
I wasn't even sure why

I never fell in love

I tripped and landed on the ground
with a
thud.
And I couldn't move
As I sunk into the mud
I never saw it coming
Or even had the chance to
Hit the ground running
But I liked this guy
A lot
Something I wasn't sure how
I got
And he comforted me when I
felt lost.

I didn't fall in love

I dived and ate ****.
But in a way, I kinda
Liked it.

Love fell into me.

So I am a mutt
And this is my poem about having split identities
And not knowing who the **** I am
I am Chinese and Irish
Got them green eyes, but eat rice with every dish
Have the freckles, but my first language wasn't English

Back in high school, people called me white washed
But then,
Pointed and called me that Asian
People would sneer, "You aren't even real Chinese"
But there are so many things you all don't see
Like how my Tiger mom screams at home
About getting straight As
Till her shrills leave me frozen to the bone
And when I had a boyfriend she didn't approve of
She yanked my hair
And I cried it wasn't fair
She yelled, "oh I'll give the boys something to stare"
I watched as she cut all of it off
Strand by strand
Like a strong gust of wind blowing all the leaves off the branches till it was bare in winter
The following day at school, my excuse was I needed a new look, so this was her
And meals I don't even know how to translate into English are my comfort food
But I can down some fries and burgers when I'm with the dudes

I embrace both sides of what I am
But people categorize me into one, *******
With my Chinese family
They straight up tell you
You too skinny, too fat, so silly
They say my accent has gotten worse
The anger builds up of embarrassment and hurt
The race makes my face so red, it's like my head will soon burst
There's this underlying feeling of shame, that's the worst
Which side of me do I need to prioritize first?
I'm drowning between the ocean of two separate cultures, I'm submersed
English is the language I think in and I curse
There's so much more I can't even tell you within this verse

Oh the irony doesn't end there
My driving stereotypes are quite the scare
Cause I'm Chinese, automatically I **** at driving
But mixed with Irish, I'm also road raging
It's probably the worst combination
Of a stereotype from two different nations
Ha oh there's more
The drinking stereotype that's for sure
Irish side could down the whiskey much too quickly
But the Chinese typically are easily tipsy
This mix is kind of risky
One turns so incredibly red
And the other can get so drunk, you'd see two heads

I feel I am constantly at war
One side always wanting more

I believe your music choice
Can embody your voice
It is your choice
Fall in love with a man or little boy
To be respected or treated like a toy

It is your decision
To dream or follow that vision
You could create collisions
That led to nothing but divisions
Between you and your peers
Or you can stop and hear
And keep your loved ones near
You can opt to live in fear
At anyone who looks at you and sneers
Or you can wipe your eyes
And finally see clear

You pick the path you want to live
Whether you take or give
You can stay and grieve
Or pick up and leave

You do have options
To thrive in caution
To fill your life with toxins
Be so depressed, you almost lost it
Or follow the opposite
Take risks and earn profit
Aim to be a prophet
Eat the most sweet chocolate

I've been on both sides
That I no longer hide
It's what you choose
*That's makes it a much better ride

There's a side to me
That no one knows
It hides and wears within my bones
It lays low and hides
It does not show
It's concealed inside
So old and worn

I've forgotten how to cry
It has grown in me and wants me to die
It forces me to sit and wonder why
Why do I even try
It's a monster
Not a cute one with fur
That I am sure
It's atrocious and dark
It has swallowed my heart
And ripped me apart

It has strangled and tortured me
And held me back from what I could be
All I wants is to feed
Feed off what it needs
Blinding my eyes of what I used to see
I can hear it scream and wail
Wanting me to fail
I try to fight
But I fear of its bite
It beats me with its whip
There's blood on my lip
But the internal pain exceeds the hit

I don't expect much out of people
I've watched so many leave
But I still have this everlasting hope
It's the only way I can cope
It's still hard to not be upset
When my expectations are not met

I have such high standards
But **** does it hurt
I believe I deserve the best
It has only created a mess

I try to remember when did this all start
Everything hit me like a million darts
I wish you could all see this evil thing
It has beaten me and burned me
And now everything stings
I used to take the world by storm
Now a simple smile makes me cringe
How can you trust anyone
When deceit and lies are the norm

The creature likes to live in my bones
I have let it become overgrown
And give it a place to call home
But to be honest I'm all alone
Except for the creature that I've have gotten so close to have known

I have always had a wild imagination  
Especially when I was younger
A endless flow of questions
Of everything across the nation
I wanted reasons, causation
I wanted to know the foundation
The formation
About any human creation
I had this fixation
It helped me make relations
But at times ended in frustration
At times my questions seemingly
lingered in the air
And I always stared
At it Suspended
As if time stopped
But only for me
Until an answer appeared
Because I couldn't move on until I knew
But majority of the time
An answer never came
It caused me to boil in pain
And steam sizzled my thirst for knowledge even thought the heaviest rain
As if the world believed this was all some child's game
Each raindrop pounding against my body were punches against my soul
Droplet by droplet
I wanted to scream stop it
But then water filled my mouth from the sky's faucet
Like I never grew out of a child's fantasy

The light blares red
Ordering me to obey
To stay is what's screaming in my head
I choose not to live this way
I thrive on dysfunction
The hunt for affection
I cannot be controlled
Or be put on hold
If you push, I'll pull

I do not comply
I take what's mine
Telling a life of lies
I am secretive
But this is the life I live
I call the shots
Taking the first spot
Craving more
Always one to be sure
I put up a fight
I run red lights

When others see red
I am blinded by greens
People claim I am mean
A deceitful machine
I chose to put on this mask
Never relaxed
I don't do what's asked
I live by no task

I am pollution
Bearing no solution
I am a flake
I don't give, I take
This is the only life I know
Nothing else to show
I wreak havoc every step I take
No responsibility for the lives at stake

So when I see red
I will not obey
I live my life my own way
But if I get a ticket
Remember there is no stopping
**Wicked

You're just my type
Everything I like
I've got you in my sight
Caught in the spotlight
****...it's so bright
Give it a try, I just might
This could be so right
Even the perfect height
Being with you is like full flight
Higher than a child's kite
You even got the same musical likes
Not even scared, no fright
My heart skips beats, yikes
You and me, that'd be tight
I think it could work, quite
Trust me, I don't bite
*How else to explain it,
Other than to write?

So lemme tell you about this guy
Hmm yeah I'd call him a bit shy
And he doesn't always say the best lines
But the way he looks at me is so prime
He puts his heart in everything he does
He doesn't need a reason it's just ******* because
Sometimes he's a mess
I still love him
He is the best
Backtrack to our first kiss
it was a bit comparable to this
I bet you could already guess
It wasn't our very best
I started to awkwardly smile
He was nervous for quite awhile
As he held me tight
I realized everything's alright
It was quite the risk
At least we didn't miss
Trying to find each others lips
This was all so new
Didn't know what to do
Still trying to figure each other out
It just happened, mouth to mouth
With him I just couldn't breathe
Now he is everything I need
I knew from his stupid grin
That yup this is him
And how his hand feels so right in mine
That with him there's never enough time
Him by my side makes me unwind
Everything feels so fine
Like the feeling when everything perfectly rhymes
Those moments where he just holds my hand
Are the ones I play over and over again
I never knew love
Now I can't get enough
We say the cheesiest stuff
Maybe that's what happens when you have trust
I talk too much which can get annoying
And he spaces out in silence which can make it boring
I don't make much sense
And he is trapped within a fence
We are so wrong for each other
Is what is constantly said by my mother
And what is said by his father
Is that I might just make his heart hurt
But to be honest I don't care
A life without him is a nightmare
He is someone I don't want to share
I swear who is he, he's rare
I miss him too much
He gives me a rush
Even from the slightest touch
Ha I remember when he first told me he loved me
I almost wanted to flee and leave
Love me? Oh please
Something I couldn't believe
I feared it was a tease
I actually got mad
This was something I've never had
I was scared to love someone back
I've never felt this before
Compared to everyone he loved me more
I fear losing him
A result that looks grim
I wanted a relationship that was deeper
Once he did too I know he was a keeper
He knows all my secrets
I know he'll keep it
I never want to be alone
Because now he is my home
I need him from every inch of my bones
when I see the future I only think we
He has become something I need
I find relevance of him in everything I see
The one I long for when I pick up a phone
The one who motivates me when I'm in the zone
He's in the military
And to me that's pretty scary
Even though we are separated by miles
When he's with me I see him holding back that smile
Yeah he's pretty tough being in the marines
But we totally make the best team
He is the one I always miss
Waiting for a kiss
Not gonna lie sometimes it *****
I swear just my luck
But he's doing great things serving our country
And Im in college learning and struggling to pay for laundry
Some people think I'm a nut
And every once in awhile I feel like giving up
But he's my first love
Every relationship is a bit rough
Even if one day we end up not working out
He couldn't have made me more proud
But I'll always love him forever now
That's for sure without a doubt
I've never had my heart beat so loud
I told you about this guy
So now you understand why
I always stand when I see an American flag
And I try not to be sad
I keep all the memories
And close my eyes in the breeze
And somehow
He ended up with me
and I've never felt more free

Cure me of this plague
That's snaking around my throat
It's been stalking me
Something you all can't see

Allow me to tiptoe
To avoid confrontation
Social humiliation

I could speak if I could only say the words
Cure me
Of the echoing dull in my heart
A dying buzz
But this plague has wrapped itself around my mouth
I can't talk but my thoughts are so loud
In my mind I am strong wearing a lovely crown
Then why is that nothing comes out
Not even a sound?

I'm stressed
Always trying to do my best
But it's hard when you're obsessed
With trying to be "perfect"
And you end up depressed
I don't just want attention this isn't a sign of distress
I'm really not trying to fret
But how when you're such a mess
Man, what the ****, there's a test?
This disease is suffocating my neck
It's tightening its grasp, I can feel it compress
Tell me the truth, do I look like a mess?
I try to look nice, so you wouldn't ever guess
This disease is terminal, it's called stress

I'm that girl everyone believes is quiet, but my heart and my mind is so loud it won't shut up

I would sing if I didn't care who heard
I lost my voice long ago
I don't fight my fears, I just go
The vines of struggle circling my feet
Threatening to tighten
Forever clutching
Me in its embrace

I hear my mom screaming to try harder
That if I really wanted to succeed
I'd try harder
That if I wanted something
Try harder
Is that an excuse ?
Try harder
Mom, how hard till I forget who I am?
Too late

I'm trying to breathe
Inhale
I need you
You say you know me
Maybe I don't want you to
The biggest lie, can't you see?
Because I don't even understand me
I hide behind poetry
Gasping, losing air
Oh wait, I almost forgot
To exhale

Cure me
Before It spreads
To you

An addiction to coffee
Scorches your veins
Vision blurs
A door closes in the distance
A muffled cough covets
Lingering conversations

Several ants sprint toward a crumb
The air feels electrified
Average magnitude
Winged with chronic desolation
A whisper of a secret told in your ear

The walls appear to sag
The ground exhales
Four blank slates
Sweaty palms as you
Tighten the grasp of the cup
You hear someone arguing
As you bite your lip

The cup
Holding you within this reality
Nails piercing the cardboard
Forming half moon shapes

The cup begins to concave
Coffee oozes out of the spout
Steam brushes against your face
You squeeze harder
The cup sighs in defeat
A mess is created

You blow the hair out of your face
Disorientated and lonely
Pursing your lips
A raindrop slides across the window
Faint buzzing of a fly

Stepping over the splatter
Brown puddles
From the thunderstorm
You go buy another
To fuel your addiction

Do you know
How many tears I've shed
Over the things you've said?
Of course you don't.

Do you know
You have been the source of my pain
Wondering how much till I go insane
Of course you don't.

Do you know
How good I am at faking a smile
Strutting in my typical positive style
But I put this barrier to hide the hurt
Pretending not to feel like absolute dirt
Of course you don't.

Do you know
You use to be so special to me
While I stood and watched you leave
Of course you don't.

Do you know
That I wonder what you feel
Maybe you understand this is real
That you are hiding your true self too
Clutching, wondering what to do
Because you feel the exact same way
Wanting me to call out for you to stay
Of course you don't.

Do I know?

Yeah you cute
You cute
Oh shoot

Lemme know your name
Let’s not play any games

I wanna be your girl
Come on take a whirl

Allow me to assume
If I may
But I think you want me to stay
Was there something more to that “hey?”  

Or maybe I have too much confidence
You’re all I’ve been thinking bout
Ever Since

But it wasn’t until you showed interest
Oh boy I’m a mess
Do I look my best?
You wanted me to be a part of your life
Jesus Christ
Don’t lie to me
I’m easily deceived
And too quickly to believe

But he’s even got good manners
Oh please
Making me wobbly to my knees

Then there’s me thinking bout the future
Tell me will this actually work?
Run away run away
Just stay just stay

You know I like to talk
And you respond, yeah a lot
But then you say I love you
Cant help it, me too

Why do I got all these thoughts?
After all it was me, you sought
You might be perfect
Just might
Ooh you’re taking me out tonight?

There goes my cheeks turning red
Make fun of me, oh you’re dead
I’m too glad you asked me out
And you don’t think I’m too loud
With you I lose my guard
And I stop trying so hard

But one thing I can’t stop
**Is busting out a rhyme
All the **** time

Cure me
Of this plague
That’s snaking around my throat

Allow me to tiptoe
To avoid confrontation
Social humiliation

I would speak if I could only say the words
Cure me
Of the echoing dull in my heart
A dying buzz

A cycle of depression
Undecipherable ****** expressions
Stunting my progression

I would sing if I didn’t care who heard
The vines circling my feet
Threatening to tighten
Forever clutching
Me in its embrace

I need you
You say you know me
Maybe I don’t want you to
The biggest lie, can’t you see?
Because I don’t even understand me
I hide behind poetry

I would pray to a God, if I were sure
Sure that this world kept its promises
Every inhale a burning desire
Reverberating thoughts clouding
Polluting my mind
Exhale

This isn’t a plea
But I am trying to oversee
But this love I feel for you
Isn’t meant for just one,
It needs two

This legacy of pain
Scorching my veins
Spreading the plague
A world filled of vague

Cure me
Before it spreads
**To you

Words are always
Rearranged and rearranged
Scrambling
Manipulating words
Stating with conviction, firm
Purpose esteemed from my own heart
With no promise of anything to be earned
Sometimes my words are just for me
Unless others can similarly see
What I am trying to convey
For you to come with me
And stay

To portray alternate meanings
To explain our feelings
Words just come and go
As long as they make sense,
I suppose
Poems that could make sense to
No one else
Give meaning to myself
I shape the sentences in my own way
The things I can never actually say
Writing the words of my desires
Or just simply writing because I am tired
Sometimes I feel alone,
Just me, here,
One
Or my mind just wants to run,
Away without time to think
And my heart begins to sink
But these poems are a definition
Of me
Words that I have crafted
Within all the letters scattered
Upon the sea
At times I write with no clear direction
Or I choose carefully with painstaking
Selection

It is beyond me
How letters can transform
Into words, so free
Scrambling
I find it like some sort of game
How can I force my words without sounding
Lame
Sometimes I feel so loved
You, me, we
And I write to confess
That with you
I never feel anything less
And I state my fears
That one day I wake up
And you won’t be here

Poetry is my cries
The way I question all the whys
In life I perceive
All it takes is for you to
Believe
In the words that you read
And your soul can be freed
Scrambling
Like the rearrangement of words
Till you find some sort of meaning
Poetry makes life so less
Absurd
With simple rearrangement of
Words

Sometimes I look at you
And think What is love?
When you look at me
I feel as though you understand

You don't open the door for me
My eye twitches
And no one notices
What is love?

I wear the loveliest dress I own
Feeling as confident as can be
A glow of radiance upon my face
You tell me I look like a little child
My throat clenches
What is love?

Spent hours upon hours
On a gift for you
Hoping, praying it was enough
You smile
I get nothing in return
I brush it off
What is love?

I look for you in a crowd
Like the naive, foolish toddler
I have come to be
Caught in the waves
Of a sea of misconception
My heart leaps at your sight
My smile, wide as can be
You say I look at you strangely
My brow furrows
What is love?

I expect you to talk to me first
Because I want to feel loved
To believe I am wanted
I am impatient
How long must I linger?
Where I stand
Wallowing in solitude
I talk to you first
My head aches
What is love?

You tell me to wait for you
And I am tense
You ignore my anxiety
I would never ask such a thing of you
I don't want to be waiting
Waiting for someone
And to not live my life
I promise myself to never be so selfish
To ask something
And limit someone I love
A heat rushes across my cheeks
What is love?

I am tired
Drained of something
That I cannot begin to elucidate
Fatigued of justifying my emotions
My heart worn and feeble
Craving somewhat more
I try to describe to you
You make me feel foolish
Your indignant mind stupefies me
My teeth clench
What is love?

It has taken me far too long
To approach full awareness
To open my eyes
And recognize
I have not a clue
On the topic of love
For this is not love
Not even close
I punch a wall
*What is love?

Sometimes I just wonder

Wonder about everything and anything
Wonder about the past, the present, and the future
The possibilities, chances, wishes, dreams

And sometimes thinking about all this
Makes me petrified
Scared for what is to come
Worrisome of my choices
Indecisive of my path
Hesitant of my actions
Unsure, wavering, uncertain
And at other times
I am excited
Ready for the world
Broadening my horizons
Prepared to spread my wings
And soar
Ability to be
Anyone I want to be
To decide however I want to decide

And then sometimes I just wonder

Wonder about everything and anything
Wonder about the past, the present, and the future
The possibilities, chances, wishes, dreams

And then I stop
I stop wondering and question
I marvel at my conflictions
I embrace the opportunities
Laid out before me

Sometimes I just wonder

If wondering is a waste of my time
If thinking too much
Can cause you to walk in circles
In a never-ending cycle
Within this immeasurable infinity
Of such an inexhaustible vastness
Which we call our world

I wonder again
Maybe this is what makes me human

I don’t believe in goodbyes
I believe in hellos, smiles, and questioning whys
Goodbyes are an end, a final, a limit
Goodbyes are terminus
An eradication
I believe there is no proper end

We are cemented within a cycle
A continuum
A never-ending relationship with the world
A flowing river out of your control
Goodbyes imply permanence
A life that never changes
A dormancy  

But Reality has it
You cannot fully control your goodbyes
A person can reenter your life and leave
Over and over and over
Then maybe goodbyes don’t even exist
People can exist in our memories
A perpetual reminder
A video stuck on replay
A beautiful hazy dream
I don’t believe in goodbyes
I believe in hellos, smiles, and questioning whys

If people continue to touch our lives
Leaving a lasting impact
A reason why
Then maybe goodbyes don’t even really exist
Because there is no such thing as a goodbye
Because there is no end to relationships
Because there is no end to memories
Because there is no end to love
Because there is no end to the feeling you have

We are cemented within a cycle
A continuum
And this is why I don’t believe in goodbyes
I believe in hellos, smiles, and questioning whys

Let’s embrace the idea
Yet see its amusing foolishness
Because maybe goodbyes don’t even exist

My heart now your responsibility
Fate personally chose us two to meet
But do you have the capability?
Two passengers on the ride with front seats
Do you realize my hearts fragility?
You are willing to jump the life to come
With just us, we have the ability
Your words are like a song, a soft low hum
My own heart gently rendered the key
Time slipped the hour, slipping by so fast
Say sooth, dare not you lie, do you love me?
Please oh please, let this summer stay and last
Now I am finally yours and you're mine
Just you and me, I think I’ll be just fine

Jack and Jill Remix

Jack and Jill went up the hill
If they didn’t they’d be killed
They had to fulfill a task
On the floor they found two masks

Jack fetched a pail of water
Jill was a naughty daughter
Jill was bad and pushed Jack down
Till this day Jack was never found

With the mask on Jill’s face
The police could not close the case
In fear Jill had to hide
And if they found her, she would lie

She was not very wise
For she had forgotten her disguise
Frantic, she tripped and fell
Accidently into the well

Trapped so there she waited
Boiling all full of hatred
Their mother was full of worry
She stuffed herself with bean curry

The police found out who killed Jack
They had to find Jill at last
After along time they gave up
A man went to the well named, Pup

Jill jumped out, free at last
Hoping people forgot the past
But really she was wanted dead
She just needed to be fed

Mother found her, put her to bed
Next day Jill was off with her head
Mother stayed happily fat
Replacing daughter, got a cat

Her quiet footsteps in the dark
It was a cold, blistering night
Not knowing where she’s heading to
Oh, how it gave the little girl a fright

Any speck of noise was frightening
For she was all alone
A rustle in the bush
This little girl, only skin and bones

She turned a shark corner into the alley
A deathly breeze
Did she hear something?
She just wants to go home now, please?

Swoosh! Who’s there?
Her stomach starts to churn
A trashcan falls over
Her throat burns

A soft growl from behind
Slowing walking over
Hands trembling and sweating
Now where is her lucky clover?

The darkness coveted her
How could everything go so wrong?
Where’s all the good in the world
Like a sad old country song

Sometimes when I dream
I get these awful nightmares
A tingling chill
As if anyone cares

I’m easily scared
Tossing and turning in the night
Hiding under covers
Where’s the night light?

Silent whispers
For I have no protection
Cracking Doors
For I’m the boogeyman’s selection

Now I’m running
Once I had drifted to sleep
Running from the darkness
This just makes me weep

I open my eyes
Giving me the creeps
Rustling leaves
Awaiting the sound of my alarm beep

I feel like someone’s staring
I think I’m having a seizure
Those eyes are burning through me
Doctor, perform a procedure!

Go Go Away I order you
Someone’s haunting my dreams
Unwilling to open my eyes
Life isn’t what it seems

Stranded by nothing
The feeling of pure emptiness
An empty abyss
Goodbye you will not be missed
The ocean lets death take over you
Forcing water down your throat
Choking your lungs
Absolute loneliness
The sound of death
But the sharks have you surrounded
Circling under your defenseless body
Looking down, nothing but darkness
Your screams are drowned out
Paranoia causes you to feel something
Brush your legs
As though your heart turns to stone
The coldest shiver trickling
Slowly down your spine
Realization that
Help is not your savior
No one is here
Making your muscles drastically weaken
Calling for the crashing waves
You are no match for the ocean
As though you are sinking
A never ending free fall
Ending in a crash
You take your last breath
The ocean is a silent killer
Guilty of death

Romance, for he is the one who seemed to be trapped
A sea of melancholy
Oh, the beauty
Quite unbearable
How he hides what is deep inside
Having no patience nor the time for idle cares

Little by little he loses his way
This is what I call an unhidden heart
You can see it
But the thought isn't really there
Appearances at first glance
With any pair of human eyes
Are what seems to be love

Little by little he loses his way
A deeper dig you find that what you thought
Was a heart
Is an empty abyss
Little by little he loses his way
Without knowing
His personality is switching

Little by little he loses his way
Meek and darkness overpowers
This was fact
Till the day he met
Emotion
She was stirring, dancing
Throughout the clouds



Feelings bursting without warning
She was everything
That Romance was not

Automatically,
Almost robotically,
Semi-impossibly
They fell in love
Without a care

Emotion was unafraid
Unafraid to unveil her heart
Slowly but surely
Romance learned
His shell was wrapped airtight

Unfolding, slow
Layer by layer.
This took time, no rush
He became free
Time and patience
Letting go of the past

Automatically
Almost robotically
Semi-impossibly
They fell in love
Without a care


Ready to move on
Letting Emotion show him, her ways
To live
Not only to live,
But to thrive in happiness

Carefree
Their love
A melody
Priceless, a gold you could never purchase
A light, blazing rays, a golden star



Who could not hear the beating of their hearts?
Rich and pure
Together they were a spirit, complete
Hidden in each and every one of us

We are all individual
Yet we share their story
Fate takes its course

Little by little you lose your way
Yet automatically,
Almost robotically,
Semi-impossibly,
They fell in love without a care

Fate once again brought two strangers in love
No questions
No ponders
Unexplainable

Love does not need an explanation
Self explanatory
This is your story
Find your Romance and Emotion
But first
Little by little you will lose your way