Surrounded by water
I feel peace
As I let my body
Slip underneath the surface
I'm at home

I'm happy
There's only one thing
In front of me
And it's clear
And it carries me
There's no place that I'd rather be

I could spend my whole life
Intertwined with the current

Everything goes quiet
There's no stress
Not a voice inside my head

There are so many things
So many reasons
Why I should care
About life
About people
Things that I can't learn to care about

I am a shut in
Alone and dry
But I never lonely
For my shadow
Holds me in the night
My reflection
Gives me conversation
I am my own source
Of entertainment

So many times
I've tried to reach out
Tried to be social
Tried to change my
Very way of thinking

But the darkness
As it lulls me to sleep
It ***** me in
Where I will forever be

Kick me down
But I won't fall

**** my spirit
But I'll come back strong

I've been abused
So many times before
So what's another beating?

I've been pushed so far
That I can no longer break
I clench my teeth
And brace my self
For the pain
I push right through
With a smile on my face
Nobody even questions
If it looks out of place

I've become so well
At hiding my feelings
So well at making everyone
Believe in
the words I say
But, you see, I
Am a compulsive liar
One who will never falter
In her charade
Because to me
It's more than just a game
I'm a survivor
In a cruel world

My mind
Searches for reasons why
I should care or be here at all

My soul
It yearns for something more
Something yet to come
Or something in the past
That has been taken from my

My heart
Aches and grows tired of beating
After every breath I take

My body
Has grown weary
From all the abuse
I give to myself from day to day

My skin
I wear it so well
But I want to get out of it
Because it's uncomfortable as hell

My eyes
Try to look towards a better life
But then I get snapped back
To where I started and I struggle to climb

Though
At times
I'm not sure why...
I'm sure there is a reason

I lie in bed
Awake last night
Imagining the day
I watched my friend burn alive

I asked myself
Why did I have to be there?
Why did his dad knock on MY door?
Couldn't it have been someone else?
Because those images are something
I cannot erase

Did seeing this
Make me stronger?
Was it meant to make me wise?
Or perhaps the only reason
Was to teach me to treasure life

It's been three months
Sense that day
And the images, I thought
Would go away
But still I lie awake at night
Thinking of it all
And it drives me insane

The way your brother lay
Your burnt body upon the driveway
And you gasped desperately for clean air
When the sirens were closing in
The old woman pulled me away
Into a hug
And asked me if I knew the boy
I said yes. Sense preschool
She said I shouldn't see this

Why did I have to see it?

To the firefighters, I was a witness
I had to give them everything I knew

They offered me trauma counseling
As to undo what had been done
But he died two days later
And I'd give anything to take that back

I couldn't save him
I only tried to help
Why did i have to be the one
To put the burden upon myself?

We never talked a day in our lives
But his life seemed to precious to me

When it came down to it,
I did my best to be there
When I should have let them be

Why must I be plagued with this memories?

My demons
Follow me
Break me down
Until I'm nothing

They don't rest
And I can't hide
I've grown tired of
Running for my life

It's easier to let them in
To let all of my suffering
Seem to end

But I don't like it,
These words they say
I don't ever want
To play these games

Now it's time
For you to rest
Close your eyes
Release your breath
I wasn't there

I wish I was there
To see your last moments
To see you breathe air

Slip away
Into an eternal embrace
Bask in the spiritual sense you've gained
Now you will never again
Feel pain

I just wish I was there
To watch you leave this plane
I couldn't be there
To say goodbye
As you passed away
Off into another life

I never got to say goodbye
I will never get to see you
One last time

You smile was warm,
Like June
You're eyes were so beautiful
Like an ocean, blue

Illness struck you
Like a plague
The doctors had no answers
To make it go away
There was no cure
No way to keep you
Upon this earth

Your lungs were like stone
But your heart, pure
I can never find a way
To separate
Myself from these thoughts of you
The warm feeling of June
And your voice as a melody
As you would sing to me

I want you back
That feeling of June
I want it all back
But it's too late

Life can be hard, son
And before you know it
You wind up in the dirt

Beaten so hard
That you lose hope
But believe me when I say:
You've got to learn to cope

Your body, weak and worn
Your spirit, shaken and torn
You wonder
If you have the strength to stand

Will you be brave enough to fight again?

Get up off the floor
Dust off your knees and
Settle the score
Cause you don't win in life
By lying on your back
No, you don't win in life
When you cower in the sand

You can only conquer
The trials that are laid before you

Even if you can only muster
Up enough strength to get through today
Remember, this problem is only a grain of sand.
There will be more problems that come

Don't let it drag you down

The chamber of torture

Wooden tables and knives

Surgical equipment
Used to cut open eyes

Pools of blood gushing
To the floor

I'm not sure if I can take much more

The chamber of torture
Is swallowing me

The voices in my head
Keep haunting me

What is that for?
To pull out your teeth

The chamber of torture
Is inside of me

I try
With all my might
To feel something
Because that's what you
Want of me

All my life
I've shut out my feelings
On not just you
But everything

You take it in
Offense, because
To you
I doesn't make sense
For that, I can understand
Why you want me to feel
But it's not who I am

I've never felt happy
Never felt sad
And though I can cry
Are these actual tears
That I shed?

I try as hard as I can
To feel anything
But it's not a switch
In the back of my brain
It's not easy
To feel love or pain

Why can't you see
I'm just an empty shell?
Why won't you accept
That I can't be anything else?

Hell if I know
Where life is going to take me
I don't really want to know
What lies on store for me
Anyways

This life is a cycle
As are the problems
They are born
They age
They due
And reincarnate
To grow another day

I won't let things bother me
That have happened in my past
I don't care what happens to me now
And I especially don't care
What hasn't happened yet

Addiction
Has many faces:
Drugs
Alcohol
***
Food

All of these things
Are so hard to lose
But the one that I
Can't seem to set aside,
It is written on my skin
No place for it to hide
Any time I use it, I abuse it
Anything I can get my Hands on
Is good enough for me
A knife
A needle
A safety pin
A box cutter
Something
Anything
To break open my skin
So when it heals, upon my arms
Is an inescapable sin
Will I ever be whole again?
The pain I feel is so addicting,
I won't pretend

It's not that I am sad
I just want to bleed
I am not depressed
For, I don't feel anything
I just want to hurt
Or learn what connective tissue
Looks like when it's stained red
I don't want anybody
To try to fix me
I'm already dead

Tell me now
How I'm supposed to feel

After all the numbing trauma
My mind can only try to heal

Show me how
I can learn to care

You tie me down,
I'll only offer you a blank stare

Nothing is real
I feel nonexistent

Something about the way
My lies flow past my lips
Makes me feel so distant

Charismatic, though I am
You cannot see past the depths
Of this mask

Twisted, I wish to feast on blood
Persistent in the way I just can't have enough

No one will ever see past the wall that I have built. No one will ever know that behind my actions is a lack of guilt

No remorse for the broken
No real laughs will leave my lungs
This is what it's like when
Pretending is never enough

The feeling of loss
Lingers for a lifetime
The sensation may fade
But as the tide, it shall fluxuate
Pulsating within my core
Reminding me of a pain
I've already felt before
I neglect the thought of you
To press through my day
But something about you
Will never go away
The feeling of loss
Has a bitter hold on my soul
This time, I don't think
It will ever let me go

I think I
Am doing fine
After all the ****
I've done

I will stand above
My mistakes
My past
Those I miss
To conquer the
Despair within

I think I
Am satisfied
Relying on me
Myself
And I

Because who better
Is there to trust,
Than myself?
Especially when
I have no one else

I think I
Am doing fine
Going through the motions
I try to live my life

Looking back,
I'm still alive
Even after all the times
I almost took my life

I am doing fine
And, sure as hell
I'll make it out alive

Clouding my judgement
the smoke
Shrouds my soul

Charring the essence
Of my humanity
Dark as coal

Visions of the past
Haunts me
Still to this day

Letting me know
This feeling
May never go away

Still the smoke
Churns from the house
On that night

And his flesh burns
From the flames
That ignite

Here I stand
So helpless
Frozen where I stand

As the heat radiates
From the house
Where you live

Every time
I see smoke taint the air
I remember that night

It was the last night
I'd ever seen you alive

It was the last night
Before the smoke
Filled my mind

The youngest child
Is normally spoiled
Coddled and sheltered
Until it's been taken too far

Not me
I've been walked on
Looked through
I've been abused
And no one did one **** thing

I could never do
What I want
Not even one innocent thing

I could never
Do what my brother does
Because I'm a girl
And he isn't me
He is free

I walked my life
All alone
My mother loved
Her precious phone
Above me

Playing on Facebook
Ignoring me
For hours
If I spoke to her
She wouldn't acknowledge me

My father
He's unfair
Even if he tries to be fair
I'm always left out
Abandoned

I'm the child, unwanted

I wish

For once

They could see me

Or maybe

For once

They would believe me

But I'm just here
Breathing borrowed air
Wasting away
In the frozen atmosphere

I love him so completely
That I rely on his strength
Never do I fear of him leaving me
Because he's there for me
He cares for me
Even my rediculous stories, he believes

I love him so deeply
That I need not fear any more
When he is by my side
The storm, that is called my life
Vanishes to clear skies

I love him so truly
That I will never love another
Even when our time is done
My love for him
Will forever live on

I love him unconditionally
That I don't even see
The flaws that he points out
Or when he gets on my nerves
My heart swells and pours out love

Pure
Like a rose, white
With no color

Innocent
Like a newborn child
Untainted, and certain

Until
the door was left
Wide open

Tears
Filled her eyes
As her life was filled with lies

Hurt
From others
Oh, how they'd deceived her

Afraid
Of living another day
For, she knew not
What tomorrow would bring

Until the day
She learned that

In order to survive
She had to become
What she feared the most

Deception
She soon became
A master of lies

Accustomed to
Being used and molested
By those she called "friends"

Tired
And neglected
She was no longer sheltered
From the world

Inside
She was still
That pure white rose

Knowing
That her actions
Were wrong

But still
That girl
Struggles to live
In a world so tainted
Deeply in sin

I don't know
Where you are
But I feel your eyes
Studying me intensely

I've seen you once
From the window of the church
In a black, hooded robe
You held a white candle
That burned so ominously
As the was dripped onto
the palm of your hands
You had a small, twisted smile
But the shadows cast out your image
That was the day
I knew I was finished

I've seen you twice
Backing my car
From the driveway
In my rear view mirror

Three times
From acrossed
The street

Each time
You grew closer
And closer
To getting me

On the fourth
You were in my yard
As I came home from work

And the fifth
Was the final straw
When, from my bedroom door,
Stretched your long fingers
Long nails
Bony yet frail
But somehow threatening
Down to the soul

"Don't come any closer"
She begged
Before it swallowed her whole

Sometimes
I wish my parents
Had never separated

Eventhough
I know they are better off
Without eachother...
I never see my mom
Because part of me
Can't stop being mad
About the way that she
Abandoned dad and took me away

This pain
Took over a year
To find its place
Inside of me

I want to hear mom's
Beautiful voice
Lull me to sleep
Singing "Baby Mine"
As she did when I was a child
And trace her finger
Over the bridge of my nose
As tears fell from my eyes
She was a comfort to me

I want my mom
To be here to help me
Through college
Because I'm in it alone

I want her by my side
The motherly way
She was before
That's the version of her
That I ache for

But sometimes, I fear
That side of her is gone
She may never be
Who I once thought she was

I am plagued with dreams
Of your face
Every night
I close my eyes
Knowing I'll see you again

I want to stay
And know it's true
But in reality you're dead
You're never coming back

I called you my friend
And I, yours
We spent so much time together
Playing guitar
Walking to the park
Going to church
Getting into trouble at school
Joking
Singing
Laughing

But never again
I will never see you again
I just want you back
I want to see you
Not in my dreams
I want reality to be
What it used to be

I'm left here alive
And you died of disease
You were so young
You were only 19

These past few weeks
Have drained at my life
Two friends in twelve days
Tragically died
I finally chose
To go to college
I have no financial help
Because the aid never acknowledged
That my dad is being sued
By my mom who is poor
He cannot help me at all
Because he is planning his wedding
So I'm all alone
To sit here
Suffocating
I'm here all alone
Feeling the raw pain
And it's nauseating
So I struggle and try
To scrape through my life
As the world around me
Decays and dies
I have no hope
And I've never felt so alone
As a child
I was pushed into the world
To grow up too fast
And struggle to stand
My knees are weak and shaking
But here I am

They tell me
"You must be traumatized, honey"
"Are you sure you're okay?"
After what I've seen, most people
Go insane

Yet here I am
Living life normally
And I only feel bad
Because I'm feeling nothing

"You must be traumatized, honey"
Well, should I be?
After the burning bodies I've seen

"Are you sure you're okay?"
Why would I not be?
I'm just going through life
So casually

"You should seek help"
Who could even help?
"You're too young, those memories will ruin your mind and destroy your life"
But I'm doing just fine

I don't understand
I can't comprehend
Why everyone thinks
I should be so upset

It could have been me
It wasn't
And I'm glad

My heart aches
For his death
Not for seeing him die

I have no self pity
I have no problems
I'm letting go of
The things that should cause them

Corey is gone
He's not coming back
I know that he is dead

Somewhere

Deep

      Deep

Down

But I can't accept it yet
But I do accept what happened
And I don't let myself cry
Because my tears need not be shed
Because the pain, it wasn't mine

I let out a sigh
Of exhaustion
Haven't slept right
In two weeks

The medicine
Is not kicking in
And I can't bring
Myself to speak

My body shakes
Constantly with adrenaline
But I am sitting still
My nerves are
Misfiring
It's hard to focus

My vision tremors
Just as the lights above me
Flicker like strobe lights

Is this what it feels like
To be alone?
Is this just my body
Shutting down?

I never want
To be alone
But some how solitude
Is where I belong
What a desolate feeling
What a delicate soul

This is what it's like
To be completely
On my own

How many times
Can one heart break?

How many years
Will pass to make
The pain go away?

Where there is love
There is loss
Even if the love
Is not the cause

My heart breaks

It breaks

For you

My very soul

Aches

For you

But somewhere, I know
I will never see you again
So why am I still
Waiting for you to come in?

Death is hard
For all who are near
It's like a blast
That sends ripples through the earth
Striking shock into the hearts
Of all that it hurt

So we lie upon the ash
With tears in our eyes
As our hearts yearn
To see you one more time

We will never stand
We will never rise from the ashes
We will resurrect
And carry the lashes
Like an open wound
Will some day fade
A hidden scar
Will fall in its place

Death strikes a wound
So deep
It touches both the heart an soul

It can never truly heal
But we eventually learn to cope

Good bye for now
But just know
I'll see you smile again
Some day
I'll see you once again
My friend

I am the sly fox
Sacred and misleading

My spirit,
You worship
A treasured diety

Beautiful, though I am
I am horrible within
Tread carefully
Treat me with care
Or ignore me, if you so dare

I am the sly fox
Colorful and cruel
Loyal, though I am
Don't ever take me for a fool

My spirit
Is in the air
I can hear you
Anywhere
Don't underestimate
A wild fox
That can't be tamed

We are born to destroy
For, destruction flows through
Our veins

Be ever wary
Stay alert
Keep your voices
Hushed and unheard
The sly fox
Is on the loose
And knows of no boundary

Sometimes, I would drive by your house
And my hopes would rise
Because I wanted to see you so bad
But then I realized...
You're dead
You're not home, in fact, you're very far
I will never get to be exactly where you are

I laughed in the bitterness of reality
Through tears, I realized just how cruel it can be
Every fiber in my being yearns for you
Wants to hear your voice
And seek your advice

If that's not enough to **** me inside, this one fact has killed me twice
You will never see my wedding or my kids
I wanted you to be apart of everything
After all you did...

I want to see your smile again
I want to feel your embrace
Although you're gone, somehow
I can feel you Deep within
Comforting me when I cry

Guiding me through my life

Death will never stop
The love between you and I
For the feelings that we share
Are strong enough to withstand
the hands of time

All my life
I've searched for you
Searched for someone who
Would always love me
Always treat me the way I wanted
You are more than I'd ever dreamed
You are everything to me

Death could never
Break apart this bond that we hold
We're joined at the hip
We are of one accord
Mind
Heart
Body
Soul
You are the one
Who I've been thirsting for

Follow me to death
And you shall see
I was waiting for you
And you were waiting for me

I'd give anything
To smile again
To see happiness
Within myself
Instead of a painted grin

There was a time
Long ago
When things seemed right
And I didn't have
To fight every waking moment
To stay alive

Now, I'm stuck here
Wondering why
While the world
Feeds off of my lies

They never question
The words I say
They never care
To see my pain

So I go through life
Wearing my painted grin
Hiding so many secrets
Behind a life of sin

Tongue tied
And butterflies

Twisted words
And hateful lies
Can all mean the same thing
If there is nothing
Behind the words

Tongue tied
You are afraid to speak
Fearing that she might
Possibly reject you

Butterflies
Fill your chest
Everytime you're near her
So you give her your very best

Twisted words
Have got your mind
Racing to understand
Their meaning

Hateful lies
Decrypt the way
She feels for you
Deep down inside

Chasing
A dream
That can be harder than it seems

There was a time
When I was Young
That I wanted to be
Just like my mom,
The cosmetologist

I grew up
And killed that dream
Because it doesn't pay well

Then I wanted
To be a famous musician
And play in a band
With all of my friends
and for some time I did

That all ended
When I reminded myself
That catching fame
Is like catching a star
Something so close
Can only be far

So I started to draw
My own manga
Started to write
My own stories
Knowing
No one would ever read them
Knowing
No one would ever care
Not once did I try to
Make a life from it
Because living out of stories
Wouldn't get me anywhere

So now I am to be
a medical coder
Chasing something that is
Not at all what I wanted to be