Sometimes
You've got to do
What you don't want to
To get by

Often times
I find myself
Floating beneath
The waters surface
Desperately needing air
But it's hard to do
What it takes to survive

We live
In a life
Filled with hate
Filled with the lack of care
To see if we make it out okay
How much calamity
Need we face, until we get it?

Nothing will change
Because we are the change
And we refuse to do it ourselves

So I'll sit here at 2 a.m.
On my lunch break
Feeling lucky that I can even
Have enough hours to get one

She was born
Some time in spring
On the year I graduated
I was still in school
When my parents split

My brother
Was off "playing solider"
As my dad would say
Doing things the army way
He didn't know
Until he got home
That my mom had left
She took me with

My mother
Made me keep
Our move a secret
I wanted to tell dad so bad
Wanted to warn him
Of the misfortune ahead
I didn't even want to leave
I was caught in the middle
of everything

My father
Tried to make things right
But my mom wouldn't have it
I was all alone in a new town
No friends
I felt as if I were stranded
Or cut off from everyone I loved

Then she came
Some time in spring
She stole my heart
Almost instantly
Something so pure
Was hope to me
A new baby kitten

I named her Azrael
After the angel of death
And she was an angel to me
Not long after, my aunt died
And she was all I had

Then The time came
To come back to my dad
I left my mom behind
My dad didn't like Azzie
But let her stay

I would love her
Brush her and sing to her
And she followed me
Everywhere I went
We were so close
Me and my angel

She grew Ill over time
Became so thin
And was losing hair
Living in a basement
Began to take its toll

My father told me
To take her outside
And find her a home
I couldn't keep her anymore

But the fresh air
Healed her
But she still has to go
I never want to part
With my angel
For, she never left me
When I cried for my aunt
She never left me
When I felt regret
She was all I had
After I'd lost everything
Now, to keep her,
I'd give anything

I want
To cut myself
Wide open

Digging the blade
Deep down
Into my organs

I feel so exposed
So I'll expose
What's inside
This precious
Body of mine

The blood
So addicting
I want to drown
In Crimson red
For the rest of my life

The skin
Peeling away
Sending my nerves
All aflame
To feel the soft flesh
That lies beneath
Flesh that no one
Was ever meant to see

My soul
Is protruding
Trying to escape
I want to let it out
But I'm crying from pain

My heart
Starts to stammer
Lungs convulse
To reach for air
I start to let go
As I disappear

I was always told
I have wisdom
That surpasses my years

But then I thought
Is it worth it?
Because wisdom is gained
By life experience
And pain

Is my knowledge
Worth the hurt?
Is it worth
The things I've come out of?

Do I regret
The things I've said?
The things I've done?
The answer is yes

But it's the mistakes
That make me
If it weren't for
My mistakes
I wouldn't be who I am
Today

So yes
It's worth it
Yes
It's worth all of the tears
The ones I've lost
The struggles through the years

In my heart
I believe
Everything happens
for a reason

And that reason is me

Love is
Fair
Love is
Kind
Love is
Accepting
Love is
Blind
Love is
Forgiving
Love is
Making time
Love is
Selfless
And never is
Selfish
Love is
Given
Cannot be aquired
Love is
The things your
Heart truly desires
Love is
Protection

Love is here

It's critical
To think carefully

You never know
When you might mess up
What you'll lose
Or the price you'll pay

Think hard
About consequence

Is it worth what I said?
Is it worth who I'll miss?
We always have a choice
It's what makes us human

We choose to smoke
Choose to cheat
Choose to hear those words
On repeat

We choose to love
Choose to care
Choose to wish we were
Never even there

Critical thinking
Is vital to living

Otherwise
We'll regret
All the care we weren't giving

So sick
of being unheard
You're my father
You're supposed to protect
Your daughter
But you let this creep
Lie in my bed

He's probably
Feeling great pleasure
Having my delicates
At his leisure
Yep, I'm kind of mad

But he's my brothers
Best friend
So then why
Won't they protect me?
He had a bad habit
of staring at me
For hours on end
While I sit there and I pretend
I don't see him

I'm your daughter
I'm your little sister
So do I mean nothing to you?
It wouldn't be the first time
That someone's forced
Themselves on me
Making me hate myself
for existing

He told me he loves me
Told me he gives himself pleasure
Who says that to a girls face??
And yet my father
My brother
Don't do one **** thing

The weight of the world
Like gravity
It works against me
As does everything

It's hard to believe
That I can still breathe
With this pressing
Against my chest

I want to be weightless
In a world
Free of everything
That controls me
And presses me
Back down to earth

I want to live
In a world
Free of worry
Free of burdens

But nothing is free
Nor guaranteed
As usual
It weighs on me
Like gravity

Never did I realize
How selfish
Death could be
Until I was a third year
In high school
Death was once
My only wish
To kiss this life goodbye
And erase all the pain
When all I'd be doing
Was giving the world
My shame

My cousin Ben
Had a wife
It was only the two of them
They were young
And had no children
But they fought
And they fought
Ben felt he was to blame
He didn't feel that
Counseling would take
Her pain away

In Ben's mind
It was all his fault
He felt that he was
The problem
The guilt weighed on him
He wanted to see
Her smile at him again

She came home
To find a note on the door
It read
In shaken words
"Please don't come in
Don't open that door"
But those very words
She decided to ignore

There he lie
On the floor
His brains on the wall
And a gun
That'd fell from his hands
She was now a widow
At such a young age
And yet, sense then
Her life has never
Been the same

Ben took his life
To give her hope
He felt that leaving
Would free her of his burden
She never felt that way at all

Death can be
A selfish thing
To take your pain away
For an eternity
But the ones who are left
Carry that weight
To the point
Where they feel
They're the ones to blame

Something Ben
Didn't see
Was how they would have
Made it through
What Ben never saw again
Was that smile
He'd tried so hard to protect
Cheated himself
From a life
Forever married
To a beautiful wife

And now she sits at home
All alone
Wishing she'd done something
That seemed right

The streetlights
Illuminate
the night with colors
That words cannot
Relate

The darkness has
Consumed
The sunlight that's
Refused
To ever shine again
And now we're trapped
in the darkness within

The demons, they are
Lurking
Searching for the blood
That they are thirsting

As the night
Swallows us whole
A black void
That devours
Our souls

I miss the touch
The feel of a mother's love
Or a father's caring concern
With their arms around me
Together
Forever
But some things
Were just never meant to be

I miss the long talks
And how she would listen
I miss the guidance
And how he would try so hard
Just to understand me
So he could know me
Better than ever before

I miss the sense of family
And long for some security
They were my foundation
Together, we were happy
But only for a season

I miss the heartfelt tears
And all the time we'd spent
Throughout the years

I miss you mom
I miss you dad
I miss all the times
We will never have

It's unfortunate
That you had to die
Even more so
Because it was me who
Had held the knife

******, you cried
******, so perfect
The way you screamed
When your stomach
Was exposed

Your heart was racing
In a fear unspoken
Your breathing was slim,
For your lungs would not open

Blood paints the walls
And I take a taste
Someday maybe I
Will share the same fate
Welcoming death's
Eternal embrace

If only
You could see
How happy you could be

If only
You could know
That at the end
There is hope

If only
You could feel the love
That we feel for you

If only
You were here
To see all these faces

If only
You saw
All the ones who miss you

If only
I could hold you again
For one last time

If only
I'd have been there
Moments before you died

If only
We could laugh again
I want to hear your voice

If only
We could be
The way we were before

If only
I didn't have to
Come to see your grave
I would much rather
Come to see your face

Sometimes I wonder:
If only
You were here
I would be whole again
And never let you disappear

Every now and again
I wonder
Why a part of me Still cares

When every hit and every
Burn
Leaves me numb beyond compare

You've  never loved me
You never will
And yet I'm longing for you still

It doesn't make sense
These thoughts in my head
I just wish they'd go away

I don't want to care
I don't want to feel
Feel as if maybe my dreams
Could be real

I don't want to hope
I don't want to pretend
That maybe this love isn't
In my head

You're so distant
You make me feel
So distant
And I can't stand it

I wish you would just leave
And never hurt me again
Deep down I wish you could be
Something like a friend

When we were young
And the snow fell down
Is when we would play
Even if we were too old
And we'd cause a lot of mischief
Because that's what we did
And we'd laugh the night away
Within winter's embrace
And we shared our first kiss
As our hearts floated away
And said that our love
Would never fade

As we got older
And the snow rained down
Is when we would worry
If we could travel in safety
But we had bills to pay
So we'd venture out anyways
And he bought me a ring
Got down on one knee
In the beauty of the world
And asked me to be
Forever his to hold
Forever his to keep

Together we grew old
On that day
The snow fell like ashes
And the cold brought me pain
As we laid him in a coffin
On a cold December day
I knew my life would never be the same
Still, I wished for the time
When the snow was falling
And you were still mine
When we used to laugh
And we used to play
And kiss and love
And dream of our future
But now he's gone
And my future is dead
So now I'll lie frozen
Numb in my bed

In sadness
I smile
In sickness
I push
In trials
I wear a mask
So no one has to
Know the horrid truth

I once was bare
For all to see
There were no secrets
Hiding underneath

This is the cost
The innocence of our youth
That is why when I speak
All you hear is the truth

So full of deciet
But it's all an illusion
Don't take off the mask
That I'd molded so carefully
It's the only thing that separates me
From my true identity

So tired
of living
I could just
Die
So tired of waiting
For a good thing
When all I'm fed is
Lies
I will never taste
Happiness
The taste is bitter
On my tongue
So tired of neglect
Or the twisted words you said
So tired of the way you
Cry
When there's no more tears
To be shed
Nothing with you
Has ever made sense
And knowing that you
Will never repent
Makes me so tired
I could just
Sleep
Spend all of my life
Forever in my
Dreams

Forget me
And who I ever was

Forget the
Tears I've shed
And the blessings I'd give

Forget my existence
As I become one with the wind
Never to be seen
Rarely am I heard
But I am still here, as real as before

Forget my memory
And the baggage it brings

Forget the hardships and
All the pain unseen

Just let me waste away
Floating out to sea
Let it be the last time
You'll ever think of me

I'm given only one choice
To destroy
To protect
the blood on my hands marks
the only option I have left

Still my heart that is
Beating
In my chest
Beats, beats
Beats until the day
It will finally rest

I can not stop
I can't give in
Until everyone feels
All the pain they've put me in

And once I've left
My dying breath
Will shake you to the core
Just so torment
Can keep you
And claw at your empty soul

Just like mine
Once did
Before

Life goes on
Even when you don't want it to
But only the strong
Will make it through okay
Shining brighter than before

Even as they still live
Day to day
To mask the pain
To forget the tears of yesterday

Life goes on
Even as the world may fall
Only those with courage
Come out standing tall

Innocence
It's nothing but illusion
Betrayal
Is all I've ever known
The pain subsides
Yet is ever-changing as the tide
It pulses and it dies down

Destruction
Is the product of these two hands
Loneliness
Is what always happens in the end
Nothing Alive
To stay and abide
The disappointment seems so unreal

Numb
From the trials I face
Bitter
From the illusions I make
Never would I feel again
Never would I let you in
To protect myself
From the same fate
Relived once more