I just caught a glimpse of something in the mirror
And I could have sworn I saw a man
that gave everything to not giving up
But didn't give enough
Not down on his luck
But a man that was still reeling in his pain
when the line got stuck

That's tough...

Anyway, did you know that astronomers believe that there is a supermassive black hole at the centre of every galaxy in the universe? Including our own.

Neat huh?

I can keep it all to myself
the things you said to me
the things you did
it's mine forever
it's mine alone
the things I wish I did
the things I wish I said
I should have put a bullet
in your pretty little head
I can keep it all to myself
the things I said to you
the things I did
the things I thought
it's mine forever
it's mine alone

Instagram was a graveyard
of memories that came to pass
until
my ex shared a picture of our son
on the backseat of his car
with their hands touching
whoever "he" is
I wonder if he knows
all the nasty **** you love to do
the ****** up thoughts you keep
the thoughts that keep you
so very far away from me

Now Instagram is a nightmare
a collage of everything
that makes me sick to breathe
it's where my dreams died
and reanimated
as someone else's
and that's ok because
in a way
they are still mine forever
his and mine alone

If we ever touched again
that would be
our very own cosmic Hiroshima **** up
I wonder how many souls we'd stamp out?
I wonder how many dreams would die?
mine are at the forefront of my mind
the dreams I had of us together
as the happiest three man band
the world has never seen

She was transparent,
blunt and beautiful.
what she lacked in grace,
she made up for in good times.
I remember the face she would make
when she laughed at my stupid jokes.
her eyes would squint and her mouth
would shrink right before it widened
stretching from corner to corner
showing her lovely white teeth.
She wore a dark red shade of lipstick,
loved my writing, the poetry and songs.
I miss her pinot grigio kisses
and her nicotine scent.
She left me at Heathrow airport
and on her way she went.
She was going to be an actress
and I was going to be
whatever I was going to be.
She saw the best and the worst in men.
I wonder though, what she ever saw in me.

It's 7:27am
and I still haven't slept
it's probably for the best
even when I sleep I get no rest
I wake up in sweat and out of breath
if sleep was really the cousin of death
I'd be inclined to get more of it
wakefulness is stress but sleep
sleep is something else
sleep is torture for the depressed
sleep is something you tell yourself you need
when your world comes crashing down
when you see no need to get dressed
sleep is what you fall in to
when there's no more stimulation
no more coffee, no more elation
something you do post ******
usually from *******
if you could see my dreams
you'd think of Stephen King's
The Shawshank Redemption
except without redemption
just the seeping hateful retention

It's 7:17am
and I haven't slept
I've been playing chess
and watching videos about people
probably perceived as less fortunate
one man had a condition from birth
that left him without cheek bones
and his parents rejected him
after 36 hours in the hospital
when he was growing up he worried
"I thought I'd never be intimate with anyone."
he explained and went on to mention
that he hated being stared at
he recalled his first love
her name was Beth
she wore skinny jeans and liked the same music
and eventually left
I felt the pain he felt at reading his adoption notes
how his parents were horrified by his appearance
and felt no maternal or paternal connection to him
when he was just a little bundle of love
I almost shed a tear myself
when he told of the time he wrote to his parents
then in his 20's he felt it was time
they replied with a letter
that said they did not want to hear from him
and that any future attempts to make contact
will be ignored entirely

So you're happy now
with another man
at home with our son
I will always be his dad
you told me
and I thank you

Just so you know
I never stopped loving you
I never stopped being ****
but I never stopped loving you
when your skin is liquid
and your teeth rattle in your skull
I will still love you

When the earthworms
use your eye sockets as tunnels
and when all men have either forgotten
or are too scared to speak your name
I will still love you
you deserve to be happy
and you are right to move on
if you feel as though your dreams with me
are truly dead and gone
just know that I still love you
love the father of your son

there are good souls in this world
shrouded in weathered skin
dry and cracked
with scowls hung upon their face
balancing on the scars of their brow
just as there are bad souls in this world
hiding under plush skin
their faces adorned with kind eyes and
cherry red lips made for kissing
or spitting with rage

picture a gorgeous brunette
with fair skin, bold eyebrows
and her hair in a subtle
yet nineteen-thirties style updo
wearing a red chiffon summer dress
the sun beats down on her
as she glistens with light perspiration
espresso in-hand cigarette in the other
her pale soft skin no match for
the thirty degree heat outside
of this café she nonchalantly finds herself
she is the epitome of carefree beauty

she kicked her lovers dog outside this morning
exiling him to a six hour long toilet break
after she "forgot" she had let him out
before leaving to go shopping
whilst her feller finished his shift
because the dog is old and smelly
and gets almost as much attention as her
she even saw his pensioner neighbour
struggling to take the bins out
as she walked to her car
and laughed rather than help
because she always
thought Mary was a no good Jew
she even called her Mrs. Goldstein
"Have a nice day Mrs. Goldstein."
but Mary's surname is Cohen

picture this beautiful girl a siren
leading good men astray
she can get any man she wants
and plucks only the finest
most succulent
I mean successful
and well put together men
from gardens of bachelors
maturing in the hardships of city life
she has plenty choice but she's fickle
you see, her man has to be almost perfect
for it to be as enjoyable as possible
to watch his life unravel and unfold
into everything he wanted it not to be

achievable only through toxic beauty
her joy is venom soaked insides
of lovers caught in a sultry web
of lies, ambition and ***
she loves a scandal
or a text sent to the wrong person
and she has everything to hide
but does nothing to do so
she gets by just fine
being beautiful and sickening  
and sickeningly beautiful
you know the sort
she is a bad, bad girl

I wanted to write a poem
about the incessant discomfort
I always feel in my left eye
whenever my contact lenses
become old and dry
I thought about how it tickles
but scratches at the same time
and starts off alright
just a minor annoyance
but quickly, overtime
becomes almost unbearable
like my pre-school bully himself
is folding down one of my eyelashes
just enough for it to poke me
at the slightest movement
then I thought about how
I'd sooner write a poem about my life
and how it started out equally alright
and quickly, overtime became almost unbearable
as if my pre-school bully didn't do it right

so I found him in his adult life many years later
wife, two kids and a mortgage
yappy staffy-cross, two cars
and an alright job as a graphic designer
his garden full of gorgeous flowerbeds,
a full head of hair and a fading right hook
"MAKE ME FEEL **** LIKE YOU DID THEN."
a puzzled look on his face,
garden hose flooding his drive and the yappy
staffy-cross still yapping away
at the living room window
"I'M DEAD SERIOUS ANDREW,
NOTHING HURTS LIKE IT USED TO."
so he called the police
and I never got to feel young again
unless you count scurrying away from
a council estate under the threat of
a poor meal at Parkside police station
the rekindling of my youth

so this is my infomercial poem
about how not to confront someone
always be fully clothed
that's very important
avoid being drunk
any mind altering substance
is best avoided in my opinion
remember just because you care
just because you remember
does not mean anyone else does
oh and
don't eyeball craft beer when
you still have your contacts in
you know what?
-just don't eyeball craft beer

"don't come inside"
usually, in fact, almost always
I would pull out
with a split second to spare
and ******* all over her
turning her navel in to
some sort of overflow ***-gutter
proceed to roll over
panting like an old dog in the sun
roll a cigarette whilst she
wipes us both down with some nearby
toilet roll and suggest
we watch something on her laptop
this time was different though
I pulled out and she lays there
and starts tugging me off
entirely unnecessarily
as though both of our lives
depended on it
and I'm glad she did
I started spraying hot **** everywhere
and I think to myself
"I'm painting the ******* walls!"
it was nothing short of sensational

She sets down
her very large glass of Malbec
sighs and lights
a poorly rolled
******-like cigarette
the look on her face
bothers me deeply
I open my mouth
with good intentions
and probably should have
said something like
"Are you ok?"
but what came out
went something like
You are nothing to me
just an **** potato
there's almost nothing
that you could provoke
within anyone
except for the cats
Yeah,
I'd bet you could start
the feline revolution
with your poisoned toenails
and mashed carrots
not even seventeen vats of ****
could make you more slippery
No,
I don't want your wet cake
just bees,
endless mayonnaise
and cherry flavoured toxic yoghurt

I am your soon to be
ex-con
so maybe we should get this
*** on
I'm mentally ill,
I think
but I'll ******* good!
I will sink
into your flesh
like a starved dog
since you will arrive
a saucy little minx,
a feisty platter,
a sultry dish
but surely leave
an unsatisfied,
unfortunate
and inconsolable mess
I suppose my fate
will upset you

unprepared
for what's to come
I will run
straight in to the arms
of the law
after all,
this world isn't mine anymore
and
it would be unseemly
to stay
when I'm looking at
a whole world of hurt
and a hefty price to pay
besides,
modern-day freedom
is an illusion
and
I'm bored of *** anyway

An absence of her presence
always leaves me feeling less
Companionless, friendless,
loveless and defenceless
Much, much, less than me

I'm thinking about us
every time you gently touch my hand
then look at me with soft loving eyes
glistening in the light as you ask me
"do you love me?"
you know that I do
but it's nice when you ask because
I get to tell you

"I love you more than anything,
you mean the world to me."

You know that's exactly what I'll say
but it's nice for you to hear and
it's so nice of you to ask
I love to tell you I love you
I fall short of words sometimes
except for when you ask because
I'm always good when you prompt me

The expectation is
everything should be easier
when you're in love
the reality is quite the opposite
but that's ok because love drives us
it drives us mad and around the bend
but it always seems worth it in the end
loving you has kept me going
and kept me strong for so long
even when I felt weak and out of place

It's always hardest when it's over
memories become haunting and
painful but in the most beautiful
reassuring way because it was
all ok at some point in time
a constant reminder that it could
be all ok once again, given time

It's alright to ask me if I still love you
the answer will always be
a resounding; "yes"
because I love you more than anything, you mean the world me
I only wish you would ask me again
but you know it to be true
that this love is too painful
and too much for me and you

I miss you,
even though you're still around
we're not how we were before
I sleep on the couch now but that's alright
from here I can watch the door
on this couch I make no sound
but I'd rather sleep on our floor
to hear you breathe and roll about
and wonder of what you dream
I've buried my cries deep down for now
something that's harder than it seems

It's strange,
even now we share this roof
it shelters us from storms
but what can shelter us from truth?
that true love can surely die
this house was a home some weeks ago
the proof always catches my eye
a sign above the stairs I hung
it reads;
"This is our happy place"

******* are itches like skin conditions
forget the admissions and feelings and visions
find yourself in a position where decisions
are void, because there's no choice,
no recognition, my voice is an imposition

With no occupation, or real reason to function
I'll spend my money on medication 'til
I'm believing what I'm seeing
Something is weighing on my mind heavy,
roll up another blunt-skin,
crack open another bevy,
Something is playing with my mind lately,
just write a couple bars
Yeah, that'll tell them nothing maybe

My hopes were up, but they have come down
It's too often we carve a smile out of a frown
just to fit in
           when we were born to stand out
So as a rule tell others how you feel,
not let em figure out
Honesty's my policy, unless I think they're on to me
and now I've lied again
I better turn my life around
In a short life, I've been much, I've been proud
I've been up, I've been down,
I've been chewed and spat out
Left out in the sun, left out to dry up on the ground

But all the aspirations that I'll never meet,
can be recycled to ambition if I get back on my feet,
But all the things I was promised, that's deceit
the act or practice of deceiving,
concealment or distortion of the truth,
for the purpose of misleading, so they got me bleedin'
and everything I want, I'm not receiving
and everything I need, I know they're keeping

Eight years old or so
I'm condemned to a joke
but I never understand the punchline
I just figure it's all a hoax.
Padded cells and restrained holds.
Perspex acrylic windows
render my spit useless.
My captors are fully grown
but I've seen the breadth of their moral compass
They will fold on it shortly now, I know they will.
Though they never do.

I'm fifteen years old give or take
when I lose my first child.
It was never born, but I know I wanted it.
I pretend I am not sure because
there's a lot of heat and pressure
cooking my heart, engulfing my head.

Crying over the phone to my girlfriend
a painful necessity, something my soul needs.
We are too young, careless, reckless,
confused and surrounded by ogling eyes.
I haven't had a lump of hot coal in my throat before
but it sure feels like I have when I try to speak.
Especially with my parents.

Pause, rewind
I'm six years old,
my younger sister is four,
my youngest is two.
My dad enters my play room.
Proceeds to tell me he's leaving home.
He won't be living with us anymore
but he'll always be my dad and
I'll always be his favourite and only son.

Dry my eyes and fast forward, please.
A little bit past devastation,
we'll stop somewhere around reckoning.
It's right after desperation.
I am fifteen years old again, some time has passed
since my unborn child left its mother
as nothing more than matter and blood.
The mother has left me.
Probably because
she was in even more pain than I
and wanted to confide and find comfort
anywhere else but in me.
I never could heal the wounds I helped to create.

It's time for work experience, I'm sixteen soon.
That's practically an adult in the UK
I get to work Queens' College May ball.
Maybe this time everything will be okay.
Shadowing sound technicians.
Sneakily drink the free *****,
since I always look much older.
Sun rises, I'm drunk and my mouth is dry.
I think I'll walk home.

Mum picks me up, I don't even remember why.
My hometown is only five miles across
I've travelled the best of it and then some.
Yet my gaze never left the sky.
I want to escape myself so badly I leap from the moving car.
I'm crying in the car one minute,
I'm crying on a roundabout of a dual carriageway the next.
The police arrive and mum's crying now.
Begging never worked before but this time it does.
The police officer says something about section one three six
and I am taken.

Whilst I wish I could have realised sooner,
I think I get the message now.
Perhaps I was never meant to achieve great things.
Or ever meant to find happiness in my life.
It could be that I was never meant to be anything
other than what I am and what I am
is the embodiment of sadness.
Unhappiness is tangible around me.
You can feel it, touch it and see it.
I can taste it and smell it, I breathe it.

It's me.
Me and me alone, surrounded by faces but alone.
The thought of loneliness is lonely indeed.
When thoughts are just emotions' greed
and it's our own expectations of life
that make it harder to succeed.
I've travelled cold, a road with no milestones.
Only icy tipped hurdles that are mountains
and I can't catch my sadness,
and I can't catch my breath.

It is not wrong to be white
and to have dreadlocks
Though,
you may look like a pleb
but you offend me not
Nor would it offend
a black rastafarian man
of a temperate manner

I don't know any women
with white skin and
straight hair that get offended
by afro-caribbean women
wearing a straight weave
You're all just too soft now,
you're all just pet peaves

Stop getting offended
on behalf of other people
that don't even take offence
Excuse me,
whilst I build a fence
around myself hombre
Not to keep me here
but to keep you at bay

Cultural appropriation
doesn't exist
Cultural misappropriation
doesn't exist
You're all just
champagne socialists
You should get over it

Yes, you mate
The one that thinks
he's above
everyone
and must decide what is
politically correct
and whose life matters

In the end all this is
is a series of cultural
exchanges and we're
all wading through ****

Face it.

Just one more amitriptyline
and then I'll be dead
at least from the neck up
a perfect slumber,
forever restful
a perfect slumber,
never stressful

See,
I know what it feels like
to be barely twenty-three
going on forty-six
walking over hot coals
sleeping on sticks

So I throw stones
to break bones
and creative havoc
to feel something else
something other than
this pain I've carried
for too, *******, long

With the weight of twelve bricks
on my head its
nigh on impossible
and it hurts my neck
to look to the future
in a positive light

Yeah,
we're all getting older
and yes, I know
that I'm still young
because I remind myself
of this all too often

See,
I'm surely too young to
feel this way and
I'm surely too numb to
see it another way

I don't see anything
I only feel everything
the good, the bad
and all the tragedy in-between
I never dreamed I'd know
what it feels like to be born
a bird with clipped wings

There's nothing like running
your fingers through wheat
as you take a footpath
through the farmer's field
especially in the dead of night
when the silence speaks volumes

Though I wouldn't know
'*** I'm a city boy
I always say
a life better lived on
the road less travelled
clearly wasn't for me

Cloudy days and
cloudy apple cider
go hand in hand
with hand rolled cigarettes
and unread messages
and a qwerty keyboard

Things are gon' get better
things better get gone
have I neglected my writing
or has my writing neglected me

Thoughts are just electricity
surging through your brain
tiny little electrical impulses
molecules and whooshy stuff
I could do with some of that

Fifty-nine unread messages;
my heart, stuck in my throat
as I search for ways to live

I breathe no longer,
this heart beats faint

Thoughts are scattered to the wind
my voice is only ash now
falling gently on to deaf ears

I put myself out there till I tear
'*** I care and then I just recoil
enough time spent trying to make a dent
then you get sent, really makes your blood boil
words so potent, that your heart gets frozen
in the end it only makes your food spoil

If I move on fast
then I'm fast and I'm fast
'*** I never really loved you
If you move on fast
then you're fast and you're fast
'*** you never really loved me
put me on blast,
put me on blast, put me on blast
'*** I never really loved you

We'll call it room nine.
That's it, you'll find me.
I have faith even now.
If they don't understand
then just ask at the desk
for the guy with a fading
light in his eyes.
You can't miss me.

The skies have changed tonight
You were once the moon
I the rise and fall of the tide
I will choke as I admit,
You have been so
Beautifully affecting me
Since I met you that night
I've been caught up in despair
I completely forgot about life
But I had you my moon
But I had you...

To lift me up
To show me my pearls
Illuminating my sea
Enjoying my curls
Reminding me often
With your glowing face
Life is beautiful

Alas, there are other oceans
Across this vast world
I know you will continue
To give life to those you
Grace with your presence

My moon,
My light in the dark
As I lay here motionless,
Tired and still
I Just don't know if
I'm envious or jealous
Of the waters you now meet

Two things are certain;
I'm happy you're happy
And memories aren't enough
A picture may outlast its camera
But I want to be eternal,
Ethereal,
Just like you are to me

I sincerely hope
You never felt like
Your love me for was
Not reciprocated

I wish I gave you
Everything that
You gave me but
I saw life distorted

My own I plans thwarted
I wonder if when love dies
Can you restore it?
When love runs it's course
Can you ignore it?

The feelings weren't mutal
Seems like in the end
You felt differently about me
No longer could you pretend
Remember what you said?

You broke my heart once
But never again?
You got me back in August
A month later you're finished
And I recall that I saw this

My dreams wake me early
Every single morning now
Heartbreak breaking a cycle
But I'm in mourning now
Feeling empty as my bedside

Wondering if of any of the drinks
And shots you've had since
If you've dedicated one to us
And all of the little things
That we shared together

Never been ashamed to admit
That losing you was
Losing more than love
I lost the one that knows me best
I lost one of my closest friends

Losing you feels like I lost my place
I still keep the pictures of us up
Just so I can see your face
And maybe I'm strange but
No one sees them anyway

I was me before we wrote our chapter
It hurts that you think I've changed
But I'm still me the page right after
If you still don't believe that
Or just can't see it right now

Remember that the Finley you met
The one you fell in love with then
Still loves you just as much
And misses you so very dearly
But don't worry about me, I'll be ok

Reading this poem I hope
That you can hear me
Because I speak sincerely
I always felt your love
I hope you felt it back

Love can be cold
Without reciprocation
That's why I carry guilt
My certain lack of dedication
You tried in everything

I just lost my patience
Got sick, went numb
Or gave in to  
Depressions deprivation
Like I said, don't worry

I guess you were wrong then.
Habitual comfort space
That's my bed,
That's my head,
That was our space.
Been feeling lazy for days.
Been feeling lost and babe,
Our last moments together
Seem to be just a haze.

Every song you listened to
Haunts me '*** now I listen too.
You said it babe,
I guess I must be torturing myself.
Seems like everytime you leave
Is a time I really get to feel myself.
Try to focus on me without you
Except we've been growing
For two years so
I don't really see much else.

You said I've never really been alone.
Maybe it's just high time
I took some time to focus on a life
That's mine and no one else's.
You made me feel selfish by
Telling me that I was selfless.
That's the power that your words
Have over me and I'd say
That I hope you're feeling helpless
But I'd be lying.

The world doesn't owe me anything!
Not a single thing.
I've experienced almost all the joys
That love could bring.
That's down to you and
I'm forever grateful.
Your love is the love I'll be thinking
About when I'm fourty and regretful.
A lot of things I did were distasteful,
Outright outrageous and despicable.
I said on the phone I had few regrets.

Well I lied because there's plenty.
The way I treated you when
I was feeling nothing but empty.
Numbness is a terrible thing
I know you've felt it.
I told you I loved you and I know,
You know I meant it.
When you were in the hospital
I should have been there and
I'm ashamed of myself for that.
If I could change the past perhaps
We'd still be on track.

In hindsight I saw this coming.
The fact that I needed reassuring
And promising that you wouldn't
Just up and leave was a sign.
I made you make me promises
That you couldn't keep and
I wonder if I kept all of mine.
I'm trying not to take the blame here.
Hell,  you never placed it on me.

I'm the poet that writes you letters.
When you need a rock I'm the man
That can only give you feathers.
I'm your one true love, I'm gone.
I'm a contradiction, I'm here forever.
The strangest book you ever read.
I'm feeding off of you even now.
Always feeding when I'm feeling dead.
Your love is my only comfort food.
Firmly believe you deserve better.
Wishing the facts made it easier.

You think
I've never really been alone?
Oh darling,
I was always alone until I met you.
I've been searching for you
Since I was sixteen.
Made my mind up the minute we met.
Continued to lie to myself
Just one more small regret.
Thought I wasn't done with my ex
The ***** was killing me but
Somehow I felt I wasn't ready yet.
Just friends yeah?
Oh, **** me now.
What a fool I was.

The nightmares of late
Are the worst I've had
Sweating, screaming
Puking, bleeding
Begging and pleading
Trying to tell me something
I haven't slept well since
She decided she doesn't
Want me anymore
Strange, only a few weeks
Ago we wanted to spend
The rest of our time together

I can honestly say
I have never felt so unloved
I have never felt so unwanted
Never would I have ever
Imagined that she'd be the one
To make me feel this way
I still wear the ring she bought
I've never received such
A beautiful and meaningful gift
Now it serves me as a reminder
I just don't quite know
What it is a reminder for

So profound,
So full of love and sadness
Happiness and heartbreak
Peacefulness and stress
I don't want to go home
Feeling like I've lost it
So much regret there
Feel like there's nothing
Since she was my home

I found one of your hairs
on my shirt the other day.
I guess that it must have
fell in to my suitcase.
The one you helped me
to pack so very neatly.
Only just over two weeks
ago now you were making
sure I had all of the essentials.
In that moment, a piece of you
fell from your head and found
its place in my three week supply
of essential and important things.
Essentially redundant things.
Exceptionally worthless things.

I've felt rather alone since I left.
Despite the fact I've been with
people I love and cherish.
I guess what I'm trying to say is:
When I found your hair
it kind of occurred to me that
I brought a part of you with me.
All this way, four and a half
thousand miles, nine and
a half hours of flight.
It broke my heart all over again.

The suitcase is unpacked now.
Very soon I will pack it again.
This time without your help.
Knowing I will not be coming
home to you as I had planned
hurts like a hole in the head.
I miss your smile so much.
I miss the way we'd make
eachother feel when we're sad.
Safe, secure and forever loved.
I miss your green eyes and your
pale skin, the beautiful contrast
of your dark hair made me weak.
Still makes me weak.

I am in such an incredible
Amount of pain and
I know that only I'm to blame
I should have known
You could never love me
The way I thought you did
I keep trying to remember
Our last kiss, ****
If I'd have known
It was the last I would
Have savoured it, ****
Now I'm stuck in limbo
Feeling messed up
I know that you know
You hurt me badly
I will never recover
How can you be so
Indifferent right now
You said hot and cold
I think it's bipolar

When you hear
a song that makes
all the others
by the same artist
sound like pretentious
bombastic ****.
Incoherent at best.
That's what you get
when a talented artist
is forced to produce
something for clubs.
It lacks soul and emotion.
It's only heard and not felt.

If I can keep this short
and sweet I will.
I love you gorgeous.
I mean,
you'd hope so wouldn't you?
It'd be hard not to love you.
You've built me up from nothing.
Time and time again.
When I'm not my best,
when I'm feeling stressed.
When I'm lost,
when I can't eat,
when I'm vexed.
It's a true test
of dedication.
No, a testiment
to devotion and love.

We may have fell out before
but we never fell out of love.
Maybe you thought you did.
Or thought I would.
Yet we always find a way
back to eachother.
I just wish we didn't have to.
I so truly wish
you didn't have to walk
a different path to find
it was taking you in
the wrong direction.

I'll always take you in though.
Direct you to my heart
because that's where you belong.
You always said I'm home.
I never want you to be homeless.
Just say you're coming home.
I want the words to give me life.

You see,
breathing isn't breathing
without you.
Living isn't living
without you.
And sleeping isn't sleeping
without you.
I haven't felt much in a long time.
But I always feel you inside.
You guide me
when I'm feeling blind.
Even when you're not mine.

Was gone, I was.
Drifting and lovesick.
A turning point for me.
Dreams of my beloved
serving as some two-bit *****.
Down on her knees
on other men's floors.
Non-slip, vinyl,
carpet and tiles.
Any surface to rest her
burdens a while.

See, she can ****
and **** them, physically.
She's okay with that.
As all the while she's
mentally ******* me.
In a sick and twisted way.
I guess that's okay.
As I get physically,
and mentally stronger
every ******* day.
In almost every, *******, way.

Scorched spoons,
moldy prunes,
***** needles,
miserable people.

Shadows shimmer,
street lights flicker,
hits come quicker
getting bigger

-and bigger still.
My speed diminishes
in shallow water
slower but taller.

Like a tsunami
of misery
and addiction's
a mystery.

To those content
on life alone.
Forever alone
and I grow, I grow.

Throw a stone,
don't skim,
just throw.
Plunge in to the depths.

Recycled ambition
cries over and over
at the little things
it has never even met.

Regret me now.
Purchase an old
prune looking
far from its best.

A mood swing,
a swing mood,
something sweet
and fun.

Like childhood memories,
the joy they bring
forever growing older
and I sing, I sing.

Find a girl
that makes you feel weird.
One that makes you do
really strange things.
The kind of beauty
that has you feeling so
hazy after morning ***  
you put milk in the bowl
before your cereal.

Now that's something.

I wish you still loved me
the way I still love you.
I'll never understand
why you had to leave.
It is completely apparent
to me that you hate to
see me sad.

You hate to see me cry.
No one likes to see
someone they love fail
when they try and try.
Or stop trying.
Slowly start dying inside.
I will never love again.

I welcomed you in to life
with me and you liked it.
You accepted the challenge
of commitment and love
then let it slip away.
We had a  tough ride
but we saw so much.
We loved every day.

You saw the skeletons
in my closet and asked
for a top to sleep in.
The week before you
you left you wanted
to share a roof with me.
Now I'm seething.

You said you have doubts
and feel it isn't fair to go on
with doubts in your mind.
Except you didn't really try
to understand these doubts
with me by your side.
It would seem you never
truly had me in mind
on this occasion.

See darling,
I had doubts in my mind
doubts about life and
felt it wasn't fair to go on
making everyone around me
so miserable, I wanted to die.
I never took my life.
I thought long and hard about
how much of it was fine.

Turns out all of it was.
Only the heart chooses
its owner and you
are the owner of mine.
I get angry thinking that
you left because I did
something wrong.
Maybe I didn't show you
enough love or perhaps
you just got bored of me.

I'd like to take this moment
to appreciate my flaws.
Feeling good about myself
laying on the bathroom floor.
Sipping on cough syrup
god knows I'm feeling ill
but I ain't got a cough.
Emotions feeling real as ****
then maybe I'm just soft.

Loneliness is a terrible feeling
surrounded by people
but it's comfort you're seeking.
My dad's a plumber;
"Hey dad my eyes are leaking
could you fix me up quick?"
Thinking about holding her
in the ocean makes me sick.
Not because it happened
because it won't happen again.

It's been seven days since you left.
The music keeps getting louder.
Dreams of getting locked up for theft.
Now I'm sniffing powders.
Is this the sign of a problem?
'*** usually I just dodge them.
**** feel sick.
Heaven sent you down to me
Hell picked you up quick.

Are you happy?
I wish I had
the distractions at
my disposal
that you have
at yours.

That's all everything is now.
Distractions and reminders.
I guess I should have known.
You were young when we met.
You've just grown I bet.

Distract, attract, post-regret.
Crying for my desires,
lighting a cigarette.
Jack Daniel's tears and
countless hours reading texts.

In my heart I know
you'll always love me.
I feel guilty at times
hoping it kills you slowly.
I'm dying inside and you're
not even lonely.

Going through your facebook
pictures became an issue.
Never thought I'd grieve
only thought I'd miss you.
Tonight a piece of me is missing.
I just want to hold you.

This sting,
this grief of love lost.
Penetrates my bones,
It sets my balance off.
And I told you I care!
I always cared.
I should have been there.

Read this and beware,
I can't hold on forever.
I'll be gone and living
better than ever, wishing
I gave you back your
******* sweater.

I met a girl,
She said "You seem real."
As opposed to fake I guess
and still I'm left to cry over you;
my irreparable battle wound.
I will love you forever

You see, you,
Mean more to me
than meaning itself.
Without you I doubt everything,
I question my health.
Feeling like I bettered I for you

Guess it's more of an IOU,
I never should have felt again.
You reawakened my heart,
you reopened pathways
misused in my brain

Johnny Cash said
"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel."
He concluded;
that only the pain was real
It feels as though the hurt
is all that's left

But when I look,
Through the old photos it shows.
If pain was all that's left;
I wouldn't cry and this much I know.
The bygone happiness puts me
in a feeling sorry for myself mode

A few weeks ago,
We were happier than ever.
Now I'm drinking again,
just like you said I would.
We moved too fast and I
do the opposite to what I should

Irreplaceable!
I'd like to pretend I'm numb,
(RIP Chester Bennington)
dumb or even done but I'm
ready to be sick and to have fun
and have love!
That's one thing I'm reminded is
I can't deny the love

It's true enough,
To say that I'll never be the same
Eden said;
"Things will be better in America,
heard the streets are gold there
maybe I can fly you out this place
someday."

Longing to be with my best friend
and he's found his perfect end
and I'm done with the pretend;
and I need an angel sent,
a figure of faith, a picture of health
someone kind to keep me sane

I am so hungry
I would lick your
***** cutlery clean
and my eyes still
won't adjust to the
changing light conditions  

I'll also be offering my
services every evening
this week because
I am absolutely
  strapped

No I won't be
your rent boy
but I will
clean your boots
and wash your car
...and sleep with your sister

You see, pride can't
diminish
when it's already
gone
so I'll be your masseuse
I'll dry clean your thong

If you can't
reach me via phone
I'm either dead
or making progress
feel free
to leave a message

I saw a man on the bus today,
he looked like your sort.
Dark skin with darker hair and
very fine prominent cheekbones,
with just enough beard to look
scruff but smart.

Ah, to be scruff but smart,
dapper, suave and rough.
As he brushes a tuft of his hair
behind his left ear
I smile to myself creepily.
I'm not afraid to admit
I was thinking about how
I could write all this.
Then about why I thought
that he'd tickle your fancy.

I guess I didn't really.
I suppose I took to my own liking
and assumed he'd
look good next to you somehow.
I can't say I know why.
Though I believe
a straight man is entitled
to an opinion in this case.

The same way a woman might
talk about how their waitress
had stunning eyes or
wonderful hair that shines
without being even
the slightest bit greasy.

It would seem as though,
the cycle is never ending
and perhaps it truly is.
Trading paper sterling
just for a life worth living.
Digits and decimals,
computerised gold,
credit checks and loans.
It's breaking my soul.
Never once in school--
did they say I was a fool.
Yet clearly,
they took me for one.

I can't be more like you
can't even be less like me
stop asking me personal questions
I don't wanna make a scene
don't need to treat em like ****
to keep em keen, if you love her
the way that I'm feelings obscene
but I love her
saving myself '*** there is no other
been thinking about nights up the under covers
there's a carnal instinct that can't budged
don't feel I know you but feel I know enough
being hopeful, wishing you'll remain untouched

...And I remember the stuff
we said the last time I graced you
I got angry and shouted "I ******* made you!"
I let despair cloud my judgment
and then proceeded to disgrace you
I said I'd never hit you--
never said I was above it
my hearts closed forgetting the loving
but if you asked me now what love is
I'd tell you it's creation after destruction
it's peace after disruption
it's feeling whole with bodies touching
it's feeling empty without them
and you wishing you were something

How could I forget
the morning's sunrise,
the evening's sunsets,
tangled in bed with you?

I always wished that
there was a way
the breath you
breathed in to me,

could be kept forever--
keep me afloat forever.
You gave me life,
a gift I cannot return.

In the June mornings,
the sun burns bright
and calmly wakes me
from dreaming of you.

Whilst the warm nights
are my heart's torment.
Sleepless turning,
unable to watch you sleep.

I would die for you
I would move to the other side
of this planet just to be with you
I would change my life for you
as I surely cry for you
even when you don't need me
and you never asked for tears
but I'm generous with them
with so many to spare

I will not change for you
because I don't need to
I will just continue to
better myself for me
and be the man that you want
the thing that you need
and hope you come back

As I know
it is me that you love
I can feel it when you smile
when your eyes lock with mine
I wish I could feel like that
every second of every day
how long has it been darling?
you still give me butterflies

I best chill out, take another ****
recalibrate,
remember my heart's broke
talking about girls will always make me choke
how'd you feel about pretty women?
well pretty women are sick of me
and yet I slay '*** it's time I'm killing
it's a void that I'm filling
whenever I'm drinking and pilling
popping my life away
my head's higher than the ceiling
maybe I'll never feel the same
trying to find somewhere to place the blame
the hardest part is that
I know it's just growing pains

How doth the illnesses
and the sadness,
plague me so readily
today,
tonight,
forever lurking
inside
creeping up
and forcibly attaching
to light and happiness,
to hope and well being

I'm lonely without you
and I keep making mistakes
I try to be better for you
though it's no longer my place
still when I fail at something
or struggle another day
I feel like I've let you down
and the tears come swiftly,
heavily with lasting pain

I should have been there
believe me darling
I wish I was man enough
to comfort you through
the fire and brimstone,
the excruciating pain
and maybe we'll never
get to feel the same again
but I can be better!
and so can you

Please let me comfort you
it's all I want to do
and in comforting you
I could comfort myself
my intentions aren't selfish
I swear! I promise baby!
I just want to be with you
and hold you tightly
we can be better
a second time around

Admittedly I wasn't myself
for a very long time
when we were together
and I rejected love because
I was living sadness!
and this pain is breathing
it has a life of its own
I dream of you, you know?