There's only one thing
that's on my mind
but it's not what you think
oh, how the heart does sink

I keep thinking about sending that text
"thanks for yesterday"
whilst I suppose it's slightly less crass than
"thanks for last night"
as your reply was still heartfelt
"it was nice to have someone to waste a day with"
I kind of have to admit I read it as
"it was nice to have someone to waste away with"

I keep thinking about that night
the one I spent with you
thinking about how it didn't feel
more so than about how it felt
I keep thinking about who I am
and about how you weren't her
really, it can't be your fault though;
that the love isn't waning

When writing is an ominous task
you should do it anyway, the results
can be nothing short of spectacular
heart-wrenching, heart-warming,
eye opening gifts to so many
and most importantly yourself

For me the most difficult poems to write
are the ones you need to get off your chest
but can't find the words
no matter how hard you try,
you're at a complete loss
nothing matches up with how you feel
so much so that the feelings are a burden
and the weight might become too great

So you paint a picture for yourself
and all who read your work, in such detail
using all of these words that seem so
insignificant alone but work together
in harmony like a beautiful orchestra
and tell your story in such a way that
your own voice couldn't even attempt
as the words don't tremble on paper

Poetry is my therapy,
my go-to-guy
I've learnt a lot about myself
in trying to write about myself
like how when I write sometimes
I'm just stalling for time
one poem can even be an excuse
to not write another poem
because I'm not quite ready
to come to terms with the subject yet
my poetry can hide me away
create a bubble that keeps me sane
it can also be my wake up call
my long overdue pinch in the side
and expose me to the elements
the fire, wind and ice of my life

It is in the darkness,
the rain and sadness,
the heartbreak and madness
that I will grow the wings
I need to fly on the little things
that used to hold me down
I've got my life to live
with or without you, ****!
and it aches like ****, oh my ****!
"I wish you were here"
sounds nice doesn't it?
like a nice postcard
from a holiday gift shop
ah, memories, so sweet
pretty little things aren't they?

Trying to fill the void
by whatever means necessary
I guess in hindsight I can see
I wasn't even nearly ready
leaving a part of me behind
even the gentle memories
running through my mind
they can't comfort me
they don't feel too kind
I need music to help me unwind
but every song I play I've listened to
with you before at least a dozen times


I guess there's filling a void
then there's losing a limb
couldn't be better without you
admittedly I went out on a whim
forgot youth was for living
forgot I was made for loving
I slowly became numb
I slowly felt next to nothing
when I was crying my eyes out
sat directly next to something
my someone, my only something
so the walls I've built are crumbling
'*** I was made for loving


So I really do drink more
when I'm sad you were right
...guess you were right
I should have paid more attention
I wish I text you day and night
so it's over now, I said it's over now
and it was mutual so I suppose
that makes it easier somehow
except it really doesn't
and I'm not proud to say I'm weak
but I know what you get up to
at the end of the week
playing hard looking good
and behaving probably as
a young girl should
and I'll try not to get jealous


I'd never act out of jealousy
I love you too much
and love is the remedy
can't stop crying, the memories
a photo of us sits next to me
I really miss you texting me
I miss not waking you up for naps
so I could watch you sleep
I'm another can down not even
thinking about going to sleep
and the night just gets more deep
I guess love is like that mountain
the one we rode down in Greece
the way up is always nice
but going down it's more steep

Happiness is synthesized
and if that's a crime
then I guess I'm crooked
but I'm always looking
for a way out
so if you won't let me in
then I stay out
I feel I'm down
and I'm definitely out
so I guess I should pray now

All good things must come to an end
that goes for jobs, good times,
relationships and even best friends

Don't let it drag itself out
or wait for something to fix itself
be kind to yourself, the situation
and everyone in it

I'm tuning out, I'm turning off
getting ****** in is problematic
so blow out and break free

If music was life,
a genre, a topic
or even a type
I'd be the alternative
sort of a last resort
and I won't see no light
at the end of the tunnel
my life, my brain it's in a muddle
every step is taken in a puddle
of loneliness, hate, misery or ****

I'm not easy not one little bit

Did we give you a fright?
youth is wasted on the young
well I'm young and having fun
without the need to own a gun
"take this" no thanks,
it's been done
as if I'm the only one
who believed in forever young

I'm playing the cards
but I'm playing so wrong
poker face is transparent
personality is fluorescent
so in essence adolescence
will end in a second

So don't even beckon
with a nod

Another day starts
another night gone
where did the time go?
where did I go wrong?
missing my former self
like a long lost friend
but I wish him good health
can only reach him by pen
I haven't slept yet
there's one letter I gotta send
can't look in the mirror
too tired, when is it gonna end

a thousand questions no answers
why the **** am I like this?
a life is built on little chances
maybe it's genetic, fantastic
if I had kids and they got this
if I had a mind then I've lost it
if I can't bare the pain myself
how can I share this sadness?
but I already do
because it's madness for two

to my mother, I love ya
to my father, I love ya
to my sisters, I love ya
to my girlfriend, I love ya
to my friends, I love ya
to the meds, I love ya
to my docs, I love ya
to my former self, I love ya

to the thing I am
to the man I was
the pressure is pressure
and I'm a hairpin trigger
something hard yet soft
like my wasted brain
when will I go off?
every suicidal thought
has got me caught off guard
nobody said it would be easy
never said it would be this hard
feel like I'm watching my life
end from afar, everyday is
an outer body experience
restlessness got me delirious
and I just thought about death
again so this could be serious

Can't see a way out today
chemical imbalances are not okay
stopped taking my meds
want to lose the fight my way
**** what the doctors say
it's all well and good to say
it helps to talk to someone
but I can't find the words today

to my mother, I love ya
to my father, I love ya
to my sisters, I love ya
to my girlfriend, I love ya
to my friends, I love ya
to my meds, I love ya
to my docs, I love ya
to my former self, I miss ya

I am nothingness
everything and anything
indifference and numbness too
I am a struggle
sometimes lovable and I care, I do
I am the pain
pure happiness and ecstasy
through and through

I remember a time
seemingly so very long ago
when I was filled with life
and had abundant love to give
I remember the nights
they seemed to never end
when I couldn't help but smile
didn't need to pretend then

I've never been fond of change
this one is a particular pain
the same words only smaller
I guess size really does matter
in every sense and every way
the impact just isn't the same
I miss being able to see faces
why do things get complicated
in the search for simplicity.

Nothing in this life pleases me more
than seeing you're smile and
hearing you laugh in the evening
even when you're laughing at me
and how ridiculous I can be
you could laugh at me on my deathbed
I'd die a happy man I can tell you that

I feel like lately I live to see you happy
when I should be living for our happiness
so that you can see me happy too
you need to know something darling
if not from me then from anyone
genuine enough to say it because its true
you are one of the most determined
and straight forward thinking people
I have ever had the pleasure of knowing

You will get where you want to be
maybe not today or tomorrow
or even a few months from now
but you will get there and
I want to be there with you
every step of the way
then when we finally get where we're going
we can look back and say we enjoyed the journey
loved it in fact, because when I'm with you
I don't understand sadness
I don't understand how darkness creeps up
and makes its way in to my life
when you shine so bright
right there in front of me

I believe in you gorgeous and I always have
I always will and I always have, don't forget
be yourself and never change for anyone
bite the hand that holds you down and
stay bright for as long as you can
because I need you to
call me selfish but I need you to
I think you never even knew that
everyone you love uses your light
to guide them home and brighten their day

Never felt I was a sad soul, though I carry sadness
Nor do I feel like an anxious man, though I tremble
So why should I concede to the weight of my madness?
When my thought process is that of circular ensembles;
Simply just not comprehensible in my feeble mind
If I feel heavy today does that does that make me fat?
When in carrying another's weight you could see me kind
Feeling out of place today, could this not be my habitat?
When feeling is one thing and being is another
Returning to my former self will be my endeavour
And I see no other reason or purpose to wonder
Otherwise I'm wasted, an empty vessel forever  
   Just a sad slave to the hysteria trying to find a place
   Just another lost soul, an exterior that can't be caged

Was having so much good fun
only just a short hour ago
where did the night go wrong
laying in the taxi waiting zone
must have been the yummy ***
no battery left on my phone
the lampposts spin my tummy's done
"look at this ******, what a mug"
"yeah yeah, whatever rude word ya mum"
before I sober up think I'll take a punch
no hangover's complete without concussion
here comes what's left of my lunch
must have been the yummy ***

How can I
fix myself
if I am not
broken
if I am not
but
when all I see
is
broken things
put back together
with
string and
chewing gum
all things
thrown out
discarded
by
functioning
people

Not fully operational
not firing on all cylinders
not running efficiently
not broken

*Return to sender
or claim your
free service
today
put the life back
in your body
but be quick about it
lest you seize up
and be rendered
broken

I want to be remembered
not for my love
or for my nature
not for my criticism
or for my grievances

I want to be remembered
when I am but a memory
not as a headstone  
or ashes settled in an urn
not as a relic in the mind
of someone who loved me
or loves me still

I want to be remembered
for my poetry
even though it is not the best
nothing else seems noteworthy
unless I am to be remembered
as a friend, son and brother
everything else lacks significance

Oh, won't you just pick me up?
I have fallen only just out of reach
you can help me at a stretch
not much further you're nearly there
****,
a gust of sadness has rolled me over

Oh, won't you just pick me up?
I have slumped over my table
intoxicated unable to find the strength
too busy laughing at my stupidity
but you can still help me at a stretch

Oh, would I just shut up?
we've all just about heard enough
of my sorry, lazy and weak poetry
funny that,
I bet it could help me at a stretch

Jealousy,
I beseech you!
Tamper with my heart no more.
The temperament of love is sinuous
and the strings of my heart frayed.

Forgive me mother, for I have binged
My head has all but come unhinged
And since my head's too f*ed for quarrels,
My heart and liver wage war on morals

Old friend,

a part of me still loves you
and cherishes the memories
that we made in youth
and then turned to cinder
I don't know how
two people so well connected
can grow so far apart
I still hear your laugh
I still feel your hugs
the fist bumps and play fights
years of friendship fading
like the smoke filled rooms
we spent so much time in
my memory is getting hazy
I hope your little boy is well
perhaps you'll tell him stories
when he's grown
of an old friend called Finley
I want you to know
I will surely cry when you die
though I doubt
that I'll be at your funeral

Mucho amor

*Finley

I was
once potent, now soft
then twisted suddenly
like a baby thrown aloft
"Pull!"
and then shot
bad habits, tendencies
thinking about money
when I haven't got a lot
I used to think I was
pretty good looking
but
my self esteem took a knock
life is about finding your rock

I am
scarred, dangerous
and outright harmless
when I'm stressed out
my love turns me to calmness
overrated like chrome
a blade lacking in sharpness
turning away from peace
and reverting to the darkness
never liked change
always afraid of taking chances
thought I needed help
but I guess that I'm past it
looking for a home because
I was told it's where the heart is

My father told me
"poetry is timeless,
a poem written today
will have as much meaning
as it it does right now
in a hundred years time"
I think he's right
I will look back on my poems
in years to come
and feel everything I did
all over again

finding your rock
scratching the surface
attempting to make contact
inside is life
life is inside
breaking even
evenly breaking
assessing
assessing
recalibrating
attempting to find
essence of interest
interest found
inside
life is inside
inside
inside is life

Should probably be revising
or spending time with her
bettering myself or something
along those lines
and maybe just rehearse
the same old story
albeit a little bit boring
the truth
feeling a shy sense of lonely
I should better my bank account
do some overtime
and sometimes
I think I should be closing blinds
crawling back in to my mind space
laying in bed thinking;
why am I such a **** waste
a lack of feeling
a lack of fun
a lack of taste
forever feeling misplaced
forever missing the old days
forever failing to take shape
it's like life is picking up the pace
and I'm forever stuck in the same place
searching for the will to live
but there's none spare
a lack of preparation always
leads to being unprepared
but I never learn my lesson
always finding another distraction
my attention span just a fraction
of what it used to be
and if I ever had faith I'm losing it
as far as I can see
and yes it's that same old story
I should probably be bettering myself
but I just keep writing sorry poetry

Confessions, confessions
everybody wants to learn the lesson
but nobody ever wants to pay attention
real world problems and such? Nah
they're just analysing the regressions a touch
don't think on it too much
or your head might just feel a little bit

So, attention! attention!
before I forget my digression
I've been meaning to lay waste to
the lies and oppression but
as this world that we live in
rather than fate would have it
I'm just another voice amongst screams
inaudible, lost, the sound of mania and fiends
or just not worth a listen it seems

Sugar, **** and cream
outdated music reverbed and rewritten
old films on new screens have me smitten
just keep feeding me that good stuff
I don't do politics; I'm living the dream
I thought I was in 2016, but now this,
this is cartwheels and  back-flips

In a favourite song of mine a lyric goes
"wise men wonder, while strong men die"
with age came the realisation that was a lie
wise men don't wonder they already know why
it's the strong men that tell boys not to cry
then wonder about the epidemic of male suicide
which is the leading cause of death for men under 35









Just keep feeding me that good stuff

"A working man
that's what you are
a young, dependable
not entirely punctual
working man
and you can do anything
with your working hands
fix a tap, wire a circuit,
build a garden wall
or fell a tree
you can do
whatever you put your hands to
you can be whatever you want to be"

Something breaks

"with working hands
I'll try to fix it but
it takes time to learn
it takes time
to be good at something
for me
everything takes time
I'm not bad they say
just learning
in my frustration I wonder
what if I'm at full capacity
when there's more to come?
what if I'm just incapable?
destined to be an idle man
with rough, callused
soon to be soft
and useless
working hands"*

                    . . .

Well I want tomorrow today
so what good are these
working hands anyway?
I work and work and work away
pay my bills
I'm always late with rent
yes, work is overrated and
my pay doesn't make a dent
can't replace all the time I've spent
working with my hands

Isn't it funny
trading something so precious
for something as trivial as money
my brain works over time
day and night
when I get to work
it's like turning out a light
I think less and do more
it's kind of nice
so I think I'll sit tight
and stay on the tools
reject the office jobs

I can have it all
white finger
back problems
an RSI
bad knees
asbestosis
and arc eye
I can get all of them
so long as I try
work really hard and graft away
working man and all that!
who wants tomorrow today
when you can wear a hard hat?

So long as I breathe
and dream of you
and wake to think
of being with you
so long as I cry for us
and don't feel right
without you near
or when you don't call
or say I love you back
so long as every love song
reminds me of you
and I can't find a melody
or a perfect tune
to describe the feelings
you make me feel

Never would I ever
have imagined the weather
could affect the motion
in our ocean
after all
we set out
on our own expedition
to undisclosed locations
discovered uncharted emotions
sourced somewhere
between head and heart
we provided the water
used our own salt
and refused to part
we created something
something heavy
something light
adventurers at sea
turned gods of love
we'd make wild birds sing
who'd of thought
we'd be at the mercy
of natural things

All but forgotten
not love but loneliness
that prevails
in profound sadness
and self pity
you could be loved
you might be cherished
no one sees the pain
asking how you are
with a smile in the morning
or how the day went
over a cup of tea in the evening
never a serious question
never sincere

You try your best to tell them
the sensation is not unlike
biting your tongue when eating
the mouth opens and
you want to say "ouch!"
but you're in too much pain
to move your tongue
then you remember
as the pain finally subsides
they don't care
this is just one of life's formalities
you keep it bottled up
and move on...

A weight pushes my head down
impossible to keep it up
how I wish it sat on
my shoulders instead
whilst my knees would bend
I would still be able to see
the road ahead of me

Now I stumble and fall
graze a knee or
get dirt stuck in my palms
reminders at the end of the road
that I struggled to be where I am
but where is this cesspit
in which I always find myself?
was it worth it?

In hopes I rise
and in reality fall
I set out in earnest
and I end up here
in the realms of failure
darkened by the clouds
of my shortcomings

There's nothing like defeat
the feeling of failure
slowly washing over you
then suddenly you're crushed
under a wave of realisation
it's over, you lost this one
then you get up
despite the fact your legs are broken
thinking you've got this
only to flop
fall flat on your face
break your bones twice
and prolong your suffering
because you wouldn't give up the fight

Crunchy outer shells that hurt the gums
the unpalatable goodness that soothes us

It's just a chance,
luck if you will
nurtured free
or raised in shackles
loved by family
or pestered by keeper
kept in the dark
or brought to light
being born is
a chance at luck

I've got a lot on my mind so can I say my piece?
then I can just kiss my teeth
now I've made my peace
I've got a job, I'm the police;
self righteous justice
If killing time ain't good enough
then well, just **** this

I'm ******* now,
I cook a hand grenade
throw it to a crowd, explosive;
that's my sound
my life is darkness;
like in a shroud
am I too loud for your ears to handle?
Well then lets take a gamble
get the ******* my cloud
I'm shoutin' proud from here to Blackpool

Let's have a party
yeah that's cool, so where's the pedestal?
I'm like a statue frozen in motion
action shot, I'm not posin'
but I'm proposin' if we cut the ****
and get them flows in
and everyone is bouncin'
then we can turn this house in
Inside out,
it's about,
the beat,
the love,
the flow,
that steals,
the show,
if you don't know what I've been told
then I suggest you let it go

"Where is my invite? I think i missed it"
well despite the fright
you may have given yourself
I didn't send one girl, just look at yourself
In this life it's all about perfection
****** protection
affection and nation wide elections

I like to fly so high
in the sky and I do it with pride
I'm not a drugs kind of guy but
happiness is synthesized and if that's a crime
then I guess I'm crooked!
but I'm always lookin' for a way out
so if you won't let me in then I stay out
I feel I'm down and I'm definitely out,
so I guess I should pray now

Then god tells me
life is predicaments and resolutions
promoting solutions and twisting
the truth in constitutions
changing pace in relations
and pretending we never took welfare
out of the equation

Strange nights, starry eyes
a little something to keep me going
no I don't lack in surprise
or modesty
and yet if honesty was a commodity
I'd surely be rich and living it up
or dead in a ditch for never giving it up
and you just don't quit
pry away the drink from my hands
and take a sip
never seen anyone
bite anything
the way that you bite on your lip
I don't know what you're looking for
but you won't find it in me
a compliment, a shred of decency
a night of thrills and secrecy
a shoulder to cry on
or just something to ride on
no, you won't find it in me

Got no money, no worries
don't sell drugs
never felt the need
not a pick me up
or shake you down
nothing changes when I'm around
no I don't want you
and you don't want me

Living life like a grazed knee
the pain is always there it stings
something always has to rub up on me
so if another stained garment
is what you want to be then, darling
pick away at my layers
I can never seem to heal
but I go on like nothing hurts me
and it could be worse
you could be just another verse in my poetry
and the night isn't over yet but
you've just about heard enough I bet
I don't know what you're looking for
but you won't find it in me
a friend for the night, a happy ending
a story to tell your girls, a heart for mending
someone to rely on
or just something to ride on
no, you won't find it in me

Got no money, no worries
don't sell drugs
never felt the need
not a pick me up
or shake you down
nothing changes when I'm around
no I don't want you
and you don't want me

Still relentless in your advances
but I can't take any chances
I'm susceptible to heartbreak
why do you think I'm sat here drinking alone?
unlike you I haven't looked down at a phone
I've no one to call, I've nowhere to be
if you're wanting a simpleton that's not me
I'm not offering late night comfort calls
I don't even own a settee
are you my therapist now?
too many questions are detrimental to trust
and I think you've just about heard enough
I don't know what you're looking for
but you won't find it in me
won't pick you up, won't shake you down
won't show you a good time and stick around
I'm not your wings to fly on
or just something to ride on
no, you won't find it in me

Late night drives
always help me think
the farther away from home I get
the further I see in to my future
dazzling lights
blur on the speckled windscreen
then starburst through the dust
I can never seem to get off my specs

Don't wanna turn around
not feeling the need to go back
the closer I get to home
the more memories that come back
of a life I've lived, of one
I could never get on track
the road is wet I should slow down

The steering wheel my punching bag
my microphone, my audience
a place to rest my head when I'm sad
empty seats are empty
just like empty me without the envy
and
I can't see the street signs
'*** I don't care to