maybe people are meant
to fall in love
but not meant
to be together.

i was coming to terms with this
only to find out
we werent in love.
i was.
you never loved me
you didnt feel anything for me
you tried to,
but loving someone isnt something
you can make happen.

we always said we were meant to be, right?
soulmates
perfect for each other
you said our love was pure
and real
and unbreakable.
look at it now,
its shattered.

falling in love with you
was the easiest thing
ive ever done.
falling out of love
will be the hardest.

why wont you let me move on?
is it because you dont want me to?
you dont want me to find happiness
with someone else?
or are you just plain sadistic,
forcing this pain on me?

every time i think i can breathe,
there you are again
with your hands around my neck
cutting off my oxygen supply
making me lightheaded.

every time i try to move,
i realize my arms and legs have been tied down
and there you stand
taunting me at the end of the bed.

why do you have to be so cruel to me?
its probably because you know i live for the pain.

dreaming of your embrace,
blind to the sight
of the inevitable burns
you have been cursed with
through my touch.

we love like the sun
and the moon.
a beautifully
hopeful love;
a despicably
fruitless fate.

i see you from across the room.
every word i want to say
immediately vacates my mind.

countless nights wasted away
planning my course of action.

'what tone of voice do i use?'
'am i allowed to use your name?'
'can i make eye contact?'

as i begin to saunter towards you,
i feel as though my feet are cinder blocks.
my hands have never shaken so indomitably.
my lungs are pumping air i cant breathe.

everything is moving so slow,
yet before i know it,
your name escapes from between my lips so effortlessly,
like ive never stopped saying it.

but the moment you looked up
and your eyes met mine,
all of the lust,
love,
pain,
and loss
you had once implanted in me
flooded my heart.
i am nearly drowning.

my voice is quivering
and tears are swelling in my eyes.
yet somehow,
in some such way,
my head is clear.
i know what i want to profess to you.

the words pour out of my mouth
like a child spilling a drink.
there is no pause,
no break,
it all comes out at once.
everything i have wanted to,
needed to
get off of my chest
for much too long of a time
to be healthy.

you feel so distant.
so disconnected
as if i never meant a thing to you.
i can see it in your eyes, though.
the guilt is wearing you thin.
youve always been good at suppressing emotions
you dont want others to see.

i say my final few words
and you dont say a thing.
you stand there,
a stone cold boulder,
trying to not erode.
listening or not,
there you were
tarrying unbroken eye contact.

i turn away
instantaneously being able
to catch my breath.

i never realized how much closure means to me
until now.

Look at  us
Cant you see we are in need of saving?
The dark eyes and tired smiles
Desperate for a hand to hold

Damaged
Broken thoughts and demented mindsets
Scared of the darkness that we roam unconsciously

Hear our cries
Listen to the words we weep
Our shouts of passion and anger
We deserve to be heard
             
 Misunderstood
Incapable of persuasion
They will not take our humanity into consideration
                        
Stripped
Torn away were our identities
Forced to conform to a world so unoriginal
                
Possessed
Taken hold by the evil
Of our minds
And the world
                          
Corrupt
We know no balance nor equality
Overthrown by predators

what if this is all just one big act?
what if you dont actually feel what you write,
causing me to look a fool
by believing the lies you are spooning into my mouth.
please tell me im wrong.
please tell me you truly feel how you say you do.
please tell me i meant
or mean
something to you.
i hate having to figure it out on my own.
i need to be reassured.
these past few days have been ******* hell for me.
everyday i find something else that makes me need you more.
i cant keep this up.
i hope you cant either.
i know its wrong of me to want you like this
trust me, im trying to change it.
but i cant.
youve proven to me that you are what i need.
pardon my french
but ******* for being so **** near perfect in so many ways.
i dont believe in him,
but ive been praying to god for a sign.
a sign that maybe we can try again
and maybe it will be different.
please give me a sign.
i cant keep guessing.

my heart is stuck in the hands
of someone not worthy
of holding such a fragile part of me.

it has been broken,
crushed between their fingers,
yet i still let them carry the pieces
because i dont have the strength
to do it on my own anymore.

being alone for so long
is so tiring
that even the filthiest hands
look as though they were designed
to carry diamonds.

the need
the want
the urge
to spread all the love that has been
building up inside me
grows so strong
that it blurs any sense of good judgement
i may have.

i gave all of my love to someone
that my mind knew would
only hurt me in the end,
but my heart still yearned for.

after a while,
they got tired of my love.
they moved onto their next victim
and did all the same things
i fell in love with
to someone that wasnt me.

their collection of hearts
continuously grows
larger
and larger.
eventually,
their hands are full of broken pieces.

i cant tell which are mine anymore.
and i will never
get those pieces of myself back.

what difference would it make
if we all stayed silent ?
the words we speak
the sorrows we weep
they have no voice.
we fill the air with empty sound
contaminating our ears
listening to the noise
spilling from lying lips.

they say a broken heart
is a void
that needs to be refilled
in order to be repaired.
but darling ,
my broken heart isn't the void.
the void
is the space you occupied

our yellow mornings , aubades strung in the rising light.
our crystal cerulean afternoons , the sky clearer than our minds.
our byzantine evenings , we can smell the rain from inside.
our pure black nights , drowning in the heaving weight of our day.

now they are all seconds
seconds to minutes
minutes to hours
hours to days
days that drag me through and through
because i dont have
a reason to wake up
and be sanguine
for what the day
has in store for me
like i used to.

staring at your name;
seeing it on my screen
for the first time in years

trying to find a different name
than the one i was reading

i had always been skeptical
about resurrection,
tonight you proved it true

i search for you
in the places i know
i might find you.

seeing you
even after all this time
is going to break my heart
into a million more pieces,
but a wave of comfort
and warmth
will flood my mind
and body.
and i have been so cold lately.

i know i shouldnt
want to see you,
for i have worked too hard
trying to move on
to just stomp on all of my progress.
but i think the biggest reason
i want to see you
is so you can see me.

i may not be doing good
but i want our memories,
our wonderful,
exciting memories
to rush through you
and fill your heart with ice
so you can be cold
like i have been since you left.

he calls me
lumiere de ma vie
which means
light of my life
in the language
of love.
for me
he is the
docile light
melting through my window
making for the most beautiful morning.
he is the
warmth peering from behind
the darkest cloud
on a bone chilling day.
he is the
overwhelming feeling
of comfort in your skin
when the sunlight hits you
just flawlessly.
he is the
lumiere de ma vie.

when my therapist asked
if ive ever experienced
love
i saw your face
i felt your hands
i heard your voice.

but

when my therapist asked
if ive ever experienced
heartbreak
i saw your face
my hands went cold
my ears were ringing.

eyes meet
heart fleets
hands sweat
words kept
knees weak
breath tweaks
tears swell
this rings a bell
mentally drained
emotional pain
voice quivers
flowers wither
sun goes dark
dogs don't bark
leaves stop falling
you stop calling
im alone
ive never shown
heart breaks
moved states
fresh start
fresh heart
now im gone
youre not moved on
cant be platonic
its quite ironic
more than just friends
trying us again
i fall back in love
feelings fly like a dove
you make me so scared
i'm never prepared
for what you could do
nonetheless i still want you

there is a fire
burning the back of my throat
and it shows no signs
of being put out.

there is a racecar
doing laps in my head
and the driver can't hear
my cries
begging him to slow down.

there is a bull
trying desperately
to buck off his rider
in my stomach
but the rider is holding on tight.

my knuckles have turned white
from how tightly
i have clenched my fists.
thank god i trimmed my nails
if i hadn't,
droplets of blood
would be falling from my fingertips
leaving an artwork
of my mania
on the concrete.

staying up late , missing your voice.
wishing you hadnt made that choice.

the choice to leave , the choice to quit.
the choice that broke my mind a bit.

you gave me heaven then you took it back.
the only thing left was my heart that cracked.

had you tried , we couldve worked.
but you left , and it still hurts.

i know im no good and that im worthless.
theres nothing to do that could make it hurt less.

i sit here , head in my hands.
my mind rummaging through all our old plans.

you sit there, not caring my heart is in flames.
wondering whos the next player in your games.

the atmosphere is scorching
the heat of your cruel intentions
spread like wildfire.
your dark
mysterious demeanor
draws me into bed.
and not straying from my
typical self
i am submissive
to the temperature.
the way it burns
leaves me begging for more.

the devil
is who you are.
malicious volition
that you circumvent
as an angel would.
which allows me
to disclose
im sleeping with the sweetest
of devils.

he is the light
i see in the sky
while laying on a sandy blanket
at the beach
in the night.

he is the yellow and white
twinkle in space
that i wish to float in.

he is the radiant glimmer
of joy and love
you dont need a telescope to see
[if youre lucky]

he is my starboy.

i am no longer ,
erase me from your mind.
be happy with her ,
in time i'll be fine.
sacrificing my happiness
for the sake of your own ,
it takes strength
but it's proof that i've grown.
shall we meet again ,
maybe things will have changed.
though until then ,
we must be estranged.

her walk makes me dream of
ripples in a pond
slow , gentle , liquefied motion
her arms sway
as they are the wind
that makes the water dance.

when i hear her laugh
my ears buzz with the sound
of her joy
crisp and clear,
but comforting
like the moment the sky
is full of thick white clouds
and the sun breaks through.

my mind is a maze i can never seem to find the exit of.

constantly taking wrong turns made by my heart ,

going the wrong way ,

getting turned around.

you are stuck in my maze , too.

you are keeping me from finding the exit.

every step i take brings me closer to you ,

and farther from escaping.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
the soft pitter-patter
of rain hitting my window
but i cant stop thinking
about you.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
the dark butterfly
fluttering about in my backyard
but i cant stop wishing
you were here with me.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
the crackle of the old record
i hear coming through the speaker
of my player
but i cant stop
replaying our conversations
in my head.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
everything
except you
but i cant
stop.

today marks the last day
i will ever hear your nails
sliding on the tile.
never again
will i step in the small droplets of water that would drip off of your chin after you drown your tongue in water.
never again
will i open the fridge
and feel your running
through the floor
trying to get what's inside.
never again
will i wake up to the smell of your breath
and the wetness of your mouth
all over my face.
never again
will i be able to sit and cry
and have you laying beside me
because you can tell when something's wrong.
never again
will i be able to grab you
by your big fluffy head
and tell you i love you.

i'm scared to drive home
and pull into my driveway
because i won't see your face through the small part of the window on the stairs you would always peek through.
i'm scared to walk through my front door after school,
because you won't be there to greet me.

mom and dad already put all of your toys in the garage.
they couldn't bear to do it today.
i don't blame them.

cancer is an awful ******* thing.
we treated you so well for these ten years,
we don't deserve to have you ripped away from us like this.
it's not ******* fair.

but now you can run as fast and long as you want.
go chase all the snakes we never let you chase in our backyard because we didn't want you stepping on the flowers.
go have fun up there, buddy.
rest easy.
i love you.

ive grown so dexterous
in veiling
my dismays
and despairs
that i can no longer
elucidate the difference
in healing
and in hiding
for it all feels the same.

youre the worst type of lover
to fall for.

you break hearts
before yours can be broken
because its less painful
to hurt others
than it is to be hurt.

you are saving yourself
from the torturous nights
and bone shattering mornings
going to sleep
and waking up alone.

i used to never kiss you
with my eyes closed
because you felt like a dream
and i feared you'd be gone
by the time i opened them

i got my sign,
my heart dropped at what i saw.
im not going to whine,
but youve left me in awe.

you are unpredictable,
i know that for a fact.
highly indictable,
yet you think im acting wack?

never in a million years
would i have expected this from you.
you must know im drowning in tears,
and my hearts in need of glue.

i miss you, sweetheart.
i miss everything you come with.
bit by bit it tears me apart,
my heartache aint a myth.

so yes, i want you back.
but please know i have changed.
my heart rid of the black,
i know the rules of the games.

im still the sweet, soft me
that i know you adored,
thats the part only youd see
but i guess you got bored.

i do agree,
this is a thing of the past.
but this time, you and me,
id try to make us last.

ive saved myself for you,
not letting anyone close.
because its no question who
i still love the most.

we all do things
we wish we hadn't.
it's part of human nature.

some people do things
and push it aside
and act like it didn't happen.
those people
never grow.

others own their mistakes
and make sure those affected
know how truly disappointed
in themselves they are
and how they wish they hadn't
made that mistake.
those people
deserve even the slightest respect
despite how royally they ****** up.
[call me the queen of england.]

it takes courage
to be your own tattletale
but it's more mature
and braver
than hiding from your wrong doings.

my heart is continuously transitioning from an icy blue to a happier and fuller sister of red: yellow.
not just any old yellow, but the one that makes your heart rate steady; the soft one. the yellow that lays you down in a field of luscious pink flowers beneath a baby blue sky sprinkled with dusty white cotton ball clouds. she may have even packed a picnic of painfully sweet fruits and a bottle of crisp rosé bubbly. she's the yellow that smells of warm, clean air, and is comfortably cold in your lungs as you gently inhale the heavens, and exhale the weight of the world.
the yellow that feels familiar in all sorts of ways, but you cant quite tell what it is. she can wrap you in her arms as you cry, wiping away the salty stains left by twofold tears as they fell from your harp strings of eyelashes.
come, place your hand over my heart and let me transfer waves of my color to you.

some say
they do not belong
to a person
to an object
to a place
or to anything.
i,
however,
belong to the world.
she
[the world]
that has taught me
who i am
who i want to be
and who i do not want to be.
i am a product
of perfect successes
and miserable failures
[for i have been built by both]
i am the difference between
mistakes made
and plain ignorance.
i belong to the world
that continuously shows me
evil and terror and hatred
and love and care and compassion.
she has raised me
to be a creation
of something taken for granted
and she is teaching me
to not follow in her footsteps.

light up
take a puff
blow it out
gone with the wind
itll be fuzzy soon

push down and twist to open
snag a few
down the hatch
with a swig of that drink
you stole from your parents

open that bottle of drink
sip sip sip
oh it burns
but it burns so good
shh, youre starting to get woozy!

i think of you mistakenly
i pray you lay awake and see
our future , us together
for always and eternity

id like to thank you
and my persistence
for helping me realize
what ive needed to realize
for so long.

because you showed me
you dont really care anymore
i am able to put myself
over you.

im not going to do things
do catch your attention
or make you think of me.
im not going to write
about the heartbreak
and heartache
you brought me.
im not going to listen
to those songs
and feel an empty space
[the space you used to fill]

i finally feel okay
with you being gone.
i feel a weight off of my shoulders.
i can finally move on
and find happiness
thats not with you.

douse me in gasoline,
the liquid to fuel my passion.
strike a match upon my skin,
ignite the flame that was once within me.
warm me up,
feeling cold is getting old.

cadence cadence cadence cadence
cadence cadence cadence.

rhythm rhythm rhythm rhythm
rhythm rhythm rhythm.

patience patience patience patience
patience patience patience.

hidden hidden hidden hidden
hidden hidden hidden.

ive caught myself
dreaming about your hands
and your lips
on my skin.
you are feeding me
your warmth.

the image of you
right there
next to me
is so vivid.
and your touch
feels so real.

but i wake up
and my bed is empty
and my body is cold.

i want
to fall back asleep
so maybe
i can feel your touch again.

even if it is
just a dream.

my hands are shaking
even just typing this

you make me jittery
my mind is hyperactive
i cant focus on a **** thing

each thought lasts less than a second
bouncing back and forth
between topics

our relationship is bitter sweet
i may love the taste
but i hate the effects you have on me

once i finish the cup
youre gone
yet you linger in the worst ways

how do i stop this
how can i make it go away

i am desperate to get you out of my system

you are a magnet
drawing me in when i get within a certain proximity
pulling away has never fallen inferior to the most difficult of tasks

inching closer
every day
first its eye contact from across the room
then we make it a point to walk past each other
knowing the other will notice
eventually we are making small talk
which leads to bigger talk
which leads to
the
talk.

the talk that neither of us want to have
but need to have
it hasnt come yet, but it will
soon enough

sweet words flow from your mouth
forming a river that i drown in.
with each gasp for air,
in comes more water.
yet your diction is so pure
that i begin to appreciate the liquid
disrupting my breathing.

you invite me into your heart
give me a warm welcome

lead me through the foyer
and show me around

but it all feels familiar
i think ive been here before

hey.
how are you?
i can tell you havent been doing the best lately.
you dont have to lie, i can see it in your face.
i know the pain and love and lies youve been through
and i know it hasnt been easy.
i know you want help.
and let me tell you
nobody knows you
and nobody can help you
the way i can.
im fully aware i havent been here for you these past few years
and im sorry about that.
i didnt know how to help.
but now, seeing how much the past couple weeks have
torn you apart
is tearing me apart.
im never going to let you down again.
you may not think or feel it,
but i love you.
hush hush, dont cry now !
those words can be hard to hear, im sorry.
lets get those tears wiped up.
see? all better.
as i was saying, youre going to prosper
and im going to help you through it
every step of the way.
you deserve to be happy
and you deserve to be loved
and we are going to work together to get you there, understand?

imagine having an allergy
to your favorite fruit.

you never want to stop
eating it
because its your favorite
of every fruit
youve ever tried.
but every time you do
it is followed by
pain
and regret.

you take your medicine
to ease the reaction.
hopefully this is
the last time you taste it.

however
your favorite fruit
is addiciting
and that will never
ever change.

neither will your love
for your favorite fruit.

a darkness does welcome me into a world of the unknown. its hands bound so tightly around my fragile wrists, they snap with grace and ease, painlessly. whilst dragging me too quickly for me to catch my step, its hands move to my shoulders, tautening its grip with unspeakable force. i feel the crush of my once in-tact bones.  fear growing inside me, the anxiety ridden heat bubbling its way from my stomach to my throat. exiting silently, my mouth wider than my eyes, i cannot voice my wishing for it to stop. in my ear is an unmistakably familiar voice assuring me of my fate. she tells me i will not escape, for this is an eternal hell ive become infected with. hell, a sickness? rather than a place for the ******? the skin on my knees has taken a leave of absence. permanently, perhaps. the sensation of rock filing against my poor, young bones should feel as a fire eating at my body. howbeit, i feel nothing. is it so-? is this is not a dream, my unconsciousness protecting me from the torture i do endure as we speak?

i wake up and i dont miss you
or wish you
were here

i get in my car and i don't feel
the heel
of your hand on my cheek

i read my old poems and i'm not in love
like i was
before this

who knew i'd be okay
everyday
without you , dear ?

home is where i
feel safe.

home is where i
can cry
scream
punch
and kick
without fear
of judgement.

home is where i
can be who i am
and not worry about
having to be someone else.

home is where i
can express emotion
and not feel as a burden
for letting people
into my mind.

home is what i
think of
when i think of
comfort
and warmth.

home is what i
think of
when i think of
you.

it happened in a flash.
we didn't see it coming.
i wasn't expecting to fall so hard
so fast.
but you
oh , you
didn't fall.
you hardly even stumbled.
how unfair is that ,
that the one you fell for
hardly feels the same.
it hurts
it feels like i'm not worthy of being loved
it feels like youre just playing with me.
don't get me wrong,
i love being played with.
just not like this.
i can promise you will be long loved
but i'm scared we will be short lived.
there's only so much playing one can handle.