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Dec 2015 · 364
Fuck
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Nouns, verbs, even slang.
Many ways to say the word.
How do you use “****”?
Dec 2015 · 560
Windows to the Soul
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Don’t look too closely at her eyes
or you will see the truth.
Blue eyes made of stars show a girl:
happy
pretty
caring
Look past the beauty and see through:
sad
hatred
destructive
All to herself.
If eyes are truly the windows to the soul.
Make sure you don’t look in,
and see the secrets this girl hides.
Dec 2015 · 446
Every Word A Lie
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I’ve drawn a heart upon my arm.
I do not cause my body harm.
There’s laughter just lodged in my throat.
Which helps me sing a cheerful note.
I’d love a significant other.
So that I can become a mother.
I want some children, two or three.
Maybe a baby on top of a tree.
I can live in the country side.
With no need to travel worldwide.
Everyday there will be a blue sky.
Except for the fact that every word has been a lie.
Dec 2015 · 396
Driving By All These Homes
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Decorated trees in living room windows,
Plastic Santa and Reindeers littering the yard,
Lights round the bushes outside.
Driving by all these houses turned homes,
I’m forced to see the joy of the holidays.
Dec 2015 · 1.3k
I Do It For The Attention
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I cover my body fully.
     Long sleeves.
     Tights.
     Gloves.
No one can see my skin.

You cannot see my arms and the scars I hide.
You cannot see my legs and the scars I hide.
You cannot see my stomach and the scars I hide.

Let alone the fresh cuts.

So tell me again that I do it for the attention.
When I don’t show you the pain I give myself.
Dec 2015 · 252
Cutting
Christina Cox Dec 2015
She took all the pain
and wrote it on her body
for everyone’s eyes.
Dec 2015 · 885
Freedom
Christina Cox Dec 2015
To be free of suicidal thoughts
To be free of self harm urges
To be free from the demon of myself

Can only be a wish.
Dec 2015 · 1.4k
To Be Free of the Curse
Christina Cox Dec 2015
To feel safe inside my body
would be a blessing amid the curse.
To keep my body safe from harm
would be a glorious change.
To find a way to stop the war
from taking over mind and soul.
To take away the blades
that have taken hold of my soul.
To be free of the curse
that lays in wait inside my heart.
Dec 2015 · 490
A Prayer to the Devil
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I cry at night because of you.
I am your humble servant.
So please, My Lord just treat me well.
And **** me on the spot.

I’m sure you want to cause me pain
because that is who you are.
Instead, please cause even more
by taking me to the grave.

The pain in my soul will no longer be there.
It will have gone to the stars.
But the pain to others will be even greater
than what you could cause me.

So I pray, My Lord, Satan.
To take me away from here.
Bring pain to my family, whom I hold dear
which I’m sure will make you happy.
Dec 2015 · 389
I Did All This To Myself
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I’ve ****** up my life.
I don’t know how.
And I don’t know when.
But I did.
I’ve ****** my soul.
To be in Hell.
And I don’t why.
But I did.
I did all this ****
to myself.
And I never realized it.
But I did it.
I ****** up.
I ****** myself.
I created a monster
*I did.
Dec 2015 · 814
Bravery
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I wish that I was dead.
It’s not really that I want to **** myself.
I just want everything to be over.

If I was brave enough
maybe I could do it myself.
But I’m not.

I wish that my life was over
so I wouldn’t have all of these feelings
that actually don’t exist.

I wish that I was gone,
away from my life and family
so I wouldn’t be hurting them anymore.

If only I could make it
so I’m the only one who hurts,
maybe I’d be brave enough.
Dec 2015 · 316
Job Chart
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I’ll do the dishes
as long as you are out of sight.
I’ll do the laundry
as long as I get to watch tv.
I’ll take care of the cat
as long as she’s allowed inside.
I’ll clean the house
as long as you aren’t there.
I’ll do all the jobs required of a child
as long as I’m alone.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
The scenes of lovers
Intertwined in arms and legs
With eyes full of trust
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Romantic movie
Comedic love intertwined
Maybe I'll find some
Christina Cox Dec 2015
A scary movie
Screaming into the pillow
Curled into myself
Dec 2015 · 4.4k
Oh How I Love the Smell
Christina Cox Dec 2015
A lavender field
Grown in the dark of my room
Lulling me to sleep
Dec 2015 · 3.9k
Untitled
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Is it so hard to understand?
I want to love myself.
Before I love someone else.
Dec 2015 · 1.1k
Fairy Tale Haiku
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Swords are forged of pills.
Castle of dark tapestries.
I am the princess.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
From the most caring of my relatives.

Grandma.
Uncle.
Aunt.
Great Aunt.

“I need to focus on school.”
“I want to work to get money.”
“I have friends to hang out with.”

None of them the real answer.

How can I have a boyfriend,
a person to love me,
when I hate myself?
Dec 2015 · 763
Dalton
Christina Cox Dec 2015
You haunt my thoughts, turn my dreams into nightmares.
Your image shows me what I see in myself.
Someone frightening.
Your voice whispers to me what I hear my reflection say.
Something false.
The memory of your touch makes my body tremble.
With remembered violations.
The memory of your taste makes my tongue crave something else.
The taste of blood.
The memory of your smell reminds me of the warmth I felt.
When I was in love.
You’re the demon I encounter every single day.

Even when I don’t see you.
Even when I can’t see you.
Even when I won’t see you.
Even when I don’t want to see you.

You’re the demon of my memories.
The demon of my body.
The demon that takes over my emotions.

I blame you.
For feeling sad or numb. Never happy.
For crying or frowning. Never smiling.
I blame you.
For biting or cutting. For punching or scratching.
For all the pain I inflict on myself.
I blame you.
For drawing blood on the skin you once called perfect.
For carving lines into the body you once held in your arms.
I blame you.
For creating darkness in the eyes you once called beautiful.
For needing to watch a heart-wrenching movie just to cry.
I blame you.
For forcing my mouth into a shape you never knew.
For creating the fear of a simple kiss from someone else.
I blame you.
For the depression that has taken over my mind.
For the depression that has taken over my soul.
I. Blame. You.

There are so many reasons I blame you.
All of them valid.
All of them validated by others who know my story.
Except for you.
  Because you don’t remember it the way I do.
You don’t remember that I said, “No.”
You don’t remember that I asked you to stop.

So I know that it is not myself to blame.
But because you don’t know
what your violations did to me,
I blame myself.
I blame myself instead of you.
**Again.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
My parents say things;
My friends, they say other things;
And I don’t listen.

Mom says she loves me.
Julia asks to hang out.
Dad holds me tightly.

I do not listen.
I cannot hear what they say.
I can’t feel their love.
Dec 2015 · 873
Dignity
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Dying alone is the secret of life.
It’s what everyone does but no one realizes.
Gather together your thoughts and dreams one last time.
Nothing known and nothing unknown of death.
Infinite wishes of dreams not found.
Thankful for the dreams you were able to make true.
Y**ou die alone after a life of dreams created with lovers and friends.
Dec 2015 · 465
Easier
Christina Cox Dec 2015
It’s easier to die than to watch someone die.
This is why and why I try and try
to stay alive or take my life.
The decision is impossible to make myself
so I hope and pray for someone else
to do something bad, something bad,
bad enough to make the decision for me.
It’s easier to die, to take my life
than to watch my mother’s soul die.
Dec 2015 · 1.3k
Antique Map Haiku
Christina Cox Dec 2015
One thousand pieces
for ages twelve and older
taking days to mend.
Dec 2015 · 1.0k
The Morning After Relapse
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Feel the dull but sharp, pins and needles pain of new cuts.
The worst is on my hips, a new place for this ****** up girl.
I see the cuts on my arm, the checkerboard I’ve created out of skin.

Would you like to play chess with me?

The deep and wide cut created from needed control of the cutting.
I feel the words carved into my body, the new one on my stomach, “****.”
All the words are true.
All the words are true.

All of these **** words are true.

Cutting.
            The release of emotions,
                   The control of emotions,
                           The object of emotions.

So many reasons and so many stories.

Carved into my body.
Dec 2015 · 282
Christina
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Christian family searching for the truth.
Happy family playing games at the kitchen table.
Righteous members going to the temple.
Inspired parents helping children.
Sinners still, but finding forgiveness.
Trying hard to be the best.
Instead their daughter goes the other way.
Not seeking truth and righteousness.
A**way from the church and the family values.
Dec 2015 · 577
Damn it all to Hell
Christina Cox Dec 2015
The fake smile I keep on my face.
The emotions that keep me crying all day long.
The scars I’ve placed on my body.
The Stressor who caused the depression.

The tears that stream down my face.
The nightmares that keep me awake all night long.
The violations of my body.
The girl who can’t stop the depression.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If you understood
the hatred I hold inside
would you still love me?

If you saw my skin
with purple, red, and pink scars
would you still love me?

I cut up myself,
do you still love my body?
Do you still love me?
Dec 2015 · 398
Sorry
Christina Cox Dec 2015
To my future lover,
you will see the marks of hatred.
To my future children,
I will tell the truths of depression.
To my future friends,
you will find me on my failing days.
To my future family,
I will hide my mental illness.
To the future me,
I don’t know what you will be.
Dec 2015 · 463
Forced Rhyming
Christina Cox Dec 2015
On my face a stream of tears,
working to release my biggest fears.

Walking through the pouring rain,
I then release all my pain.

Through all my dreams turned mares,
I work as my mind tries to make repairs.

All the pain brings in hate,
and the self harm starts to dominate.

In the end I am made of evil,
with my soul trying to make a good retrieval.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I cry, my tears freeze.
While I swing in the playground.
As the snow falls down.
Dec 2015 · 290
Suicidal
Christina Cox Dec 2015
What do you do when you hate yourself?
Tell yourself that you’re amazing?
Make yourself look pretty?
Create a better you?


What do you do when every fiber of your body wants to die?
Tell yourself that life’s worth living?
Make your mind see the non-logic in dying?
Create a better body?


What do you do when your soul refuses to stay alive?
Tell yourself that the soul isn’t real?
Make your soul into something better?
Create a better soul?


**What do you do when everything in you wants to die?
Dec 2015 · 598
Parents
Christina Cox Dec 2015
My parents ask me questions,
“How was therapy?”
“Are you using your skills?”
“How are you doing?”

My parents want the answers,
“It was good, I learned a lot.”
“Yes I am, my urge to cut is going down.”
“I’m doing great, feeling great.”

But the answers I give are silent,
Fine, please don’t ask about it.
No, I feel like a failure when you know I am.
I’m terrible, I hate myself, I want to die.


My parent’s desire is for me to get better.
While I scream inside because face it,
**I’m not.
Dec 2015 · 196
Looking in the Mirror
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Who is this person staring me down?
Watching me without any doubts.
She sees who I am behind the mask I wear.
She knows who I am without speaking.
This woman knows the pain I feel inside.
This woman understands why I do what I do.
This girl looks into my eyes and doesn’t even blink.
This girl sees the truth I don’t want to see.
Dec 2015 · 310
Witness Yourself Haiku
Christina Cox Dec 2015
In good or bad times
look within yourself and find
truth behind the lies.
Dec 2015 · 468
Prayers to End the War
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If God is real, then I pray to him to heal my mind, body, and soul.
If Christ is real, then I pray to him to take away the pain he knows is real.
If Angels are real, then I pray to my guardian to keep me safe from my own hands.
If Fallen Angels are real, then I pray to them to take my guardian away.
If Demons are real, then I pray to the one inhabiting my body to leave or take over fully.
If Lucifer is real, then I pray to him to send more demons and make me take my own life.
Dec 2015 · 410
During
Christina Cox Dec 2015
During sunrise I see colors of the light moving through the clouds.
During sunrise I hear the clocks and alarms going off on my phone.
During sunrise I feel the blanket and the comfort heat of my bed.

During the day I see the sun and the earth we live on circles it.
During the day I hear the birds and the air we breathe keeps them up.
During the day I feel the grass and smell the flowers growing in it.

During sunset I see the colors in the west instead of the east.
During sunset I hear the words of couples falling in love.
During sunset I feel the dreams coming true throughout the world.

During the night I see the moon and stars and reach for them.
During the night I hear the wind moving through the leaves outside.
During the night I feel the cold of the air circling the stormy world.

Throughout the night I see the nightmares and wake with tears.
Throughout the night I hear music playing keeping my calm in the dark.
Throughout the night I feel the sheets tucked all around me as I sleep.
Dec 2015 · 231
What I Never Say
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I wish I could tell you what is in my head.
Not just the emotions but the stream of words I never said.
“**** this ****,” and “**** it all.”
“Go to Hell,” and “You’re an *******.”
Sometimes to the people walking down the street.
Often to my family sitting watching television.
But mostly to myself when I’m looking  in a mirror.
To myself though, I say the words out loud.
I also include, “I should just die.”
Dec 2015 · 644
Haunting
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I’m a ghost who walks the halls
of my mind.
I’m a ghost who visits the mansions
of my body.
I’m a ghost who haunts the attics
of my soul.
I’m the ghost of the monster
who controls my body.
I’m the ghost of the girl
who wants control.
I’m a ghost of myself
and who I want to be.
Dec 2015 · 651
Shopping List
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I walk the aisles of the store searching my list and the shelves.

I search for ingredients to cook some food.
I search for fabric to create and sew.
The things I search for I never find.

I do not search for first aid supplies to repair my broken skin.
I do not search for sharp objects to break my hidden skin.
The things I do not search for I find in minutes.

I leave the aisles of the store with items
to destroy instead of items to stay alive.
Dec 2015 · 302
Don't Join This Club
Christina Cox Dec 2015
You ask, “What’s depression like?”

He says, “It’s like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing.”
She says, “It’s like you are screaming as loud as you can, and no one can hear.”
They say, “In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy.”

And it is all true.
Except when it’s not.

Except when it’s living in a body that has been taken over by a black, sluggish monster.
Except when it’s seeing the colors of the world and not comprehending the color.
Except when it’s your favorite food and pushing the plate away because you don’t deserve it.
Except when it’s an hourly battle between yourself and yourself.
Except when it’s a daily war between yourself and your reflection.
Except when it’s always feeling sad and not being able to explain why.
Except when it’s feeling nothing and doing nothing and being expected to explain why.

It is all true.
Except when it’s not.

Because depression is something that cannot be explained.
Only felt.
It's not worth the jacket.
Dec 2015 · 452
Relapse
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If I show you these scars what will you think?
The purple ones on my thigh,
the thin pink ones on my stomach,
the thick, raised ones on my arm,
and the small red ones on my wrist.

If I tell you the reasons what will you say?
The self hatred in my heart,
the numb feelings in my soul,
the racing thoughts in my head,
and the moving fingers of my hand.

If I ask you to love me will you tell the truth?
If I ask myself to love me will I tell the truth?
In the end will I go back to what I know?
In the end will I go back to the blades who hold my heart?
The blades who have hold of my soul?
Dec 2015 · 346
Know Yourself
Christina Cox Dec 2015
The person who knows me best
is my worst enemy.
The person who knows me best,
I see everyday.

Isn’t it odd how
the person who knows you best
is in all actuality,
yourself?

Isn’t it strange that
if you tell yourself,
“You look good today,”
you might not believe it?

Isn’t it strange that
if you tell yourself,
“You’re an idiot,”
you’ll probably believe it?

You’d think that
the person who knows you best
would be nicer.
That you’d be nicer to yourself.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
“I hate you.”
“**** this ****.”
“**** it all.”
“Go to Hell.”
“Worthless *****.”
“No one cares.”
“******* *****.”
“Just a ****.”
“Stupid girl.”
“Just go die.”
“**** yourself.”
“Help me.”
“Save me.”
Dec 2015 · 407
Wall
Christina Cox Dec 2015
There's a little saying,
"The grass is greener, on the other side."
You tell me this with a brick wall between us.
My side has some grass but it's dead and covered with weeds.
You tell me your side has grass that's green,
And even flowers and some trees.

You tell me this by yelling;
Your words going up and over the wall.
At my feet are pieces of wood to build myself a ladder.
Your words, they are convincing, so I start to work.
It's hard and new but you keep saying,
"The grass is greener here."

You make it sound so wonderful, to be in a place so clean.
But what it takes to get there is something you cannot see.
I'm working on the ladder when I hear a distant clap.
You yell to me, "It's still green here!"
But I can't see the grass you stand on, I only see the storm.

I need to climb the wall to get to a better place.
The sky may be blue and sunny,
But there are storms that come
Where the sky is black and rain comes down.
And I can't see the greener grass
you say is under your feet.
I only see the sky.
Dec 2015 · 342
Mom says, "Tell the truth."
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If I was honest
and you said,
"How are you today?"
I would say,
"Not okay."

And in a perfect world
you would say,
"Tell me about it."
And I would reply,
"I want to die."

And you wouldn't look at me
with those sad,
disappointed,
yet loving eyes.

You would say,
"That's okay."
"Just don't do it today."
"For me."

In my perfect world
you wouldn't degrade my feelings.
In my perfect world
you would give me an achievable goal.
In my perfect world
you would give me a reason.

But this is not my perfect world.

This is the.
*******. Worst.
world to be in
if you have a mental illness.

In this world
IF
I told you the truth
you would say,
"Nothing."
And I would watch you
walk away
with those eyes.

In this world
I don't tell you the truth.
Because it's better
to only hurt myself
and not to hurt you.​
Dec 2015 · 258
Starry Night
Christina Cox Dec 2015
My mind is
a Van Gogh painting.
Swirls of color
true to feelings
and full of truth.

There are shades of blue
and grey
and black.
They run together
in the feelings of darkness
and truth of depression.

There are shades of orange
and yellow
and red.
They run together
in feelings of nervousness
and truth of anxiety.

There are shades of purple
and pink
and gold.
They run together
in feelings of love
and truth of joy.

The colors run.
The feelings mix.
The truths disappear.
Into the mind
of the sick girl.
Who doesn't look it.
Dec 2015 · 209
War
Christina Cox Dec 2015
War
The tears?
They come and go.
With thoughts of
self-hatred.
With actions of
self-loathing.
Among the knowledge
that people
love me,
want me,
care for me.
So the tears,
they keep on coming.
Because the fight
of feelings
against myself,
for me,
never stops.
Even when I want it to.

— The End —