she was the girl who could make a million lists out of her own curiosity.

There was so much to write down in her list of the new boy she has her eyes on.
It was his left dimple, his soft hair and his scent that got her to lay on his shoulder
It was his silly sarcasm, his stupid smile and his tickling fingers that got her to scream out with happiness
It was his firing rage, his ego and his painful words that got her to curse herself with the choice of her feelings

She was the girl who wants to stay in her car to write down her thoughts in undefined poems.

To my dear Faira,
You’ve made your decision
I pushed all the guilt inside me
And let the sadness drown me for a little while

I will never forget the vast amount of orange in your closet
I will never forget the touch of your hair when I helped to give you a haircut
I will never forget the chats we had at the bar as we sipped our favourite cocktails
“FOCUS ON THE PATTERNS HE GAVE YOU, NOT THE POTENTIAL “
I remember saying that and you agreed to it wholeheartedly

I should have given you a tighter hug
I should have stayed longer with you
I should have been with you more often

You were consumed by the darkness you felt
I wish I could stop you and pull you from it
I wasn’t an amazing friend to you and I would love to apologise for that.

Know that you’re always in my heart, faira

I will like to apologise to that boy
I went into a delusional state of my idealism and faith
I wish you could see
How crazy I’ve gotten for you

How crazy I was becoming

But I know that this will all be over
The moment you decided how done you were
And it broke me so hard
But I know it’s what I’ve always wanted

I hate you for approaching me
I hate you for all those desperate texts
I only could wish that those messages were never sent in the first place

and sometimes
Just sometimes
I wish that things could work healthily between us
If only you saw me the way I saw you
If only you try to love me just the way I was subconsciously doing

I still think of you
Which is stupid
And sad
And I’ve become a mess
It’s hard
Why
Won’t
You
Ever
Like
Me
The
Way
I *******
Like
You

It all happened when my grandmother died
The family held hands and grieved
It rained as the sky wept for her
Words written on paper to design the obituary
Pictures of her smile were noticed with tears
Prayers echoed and danced around the silent walls
Relatives came and go
Fire grew stronger and burn down her bones
Her wrinkles and her diseases were all gone

how do I tell my mother that I am a lot happier than I used to be
The tall man that comes to see me weekly
His long fingers , moving around the guitar strings
He tells me that I’m too pretty and I always wonder if he has told this to other women
He calls me daily
He says I’m his priority
I was afraid at first as I was trying to establish bigger boundaries
The boundaries are still there
But I’ve never been happier
I can listen to his voice and his guitar all day as long as I don’t push myself further
For the very first time I don’t feel the pain that I used to feel from any men

And I really think that’s what matters the most in this different city

I saw my late grandmother at the corner
She smiled at me and I waved back at her
I swam towards her and gave her a hug

And then she disappeared in my arms
I looked at my hands and wonder
What was I doing in the sea

Only for me to drown into the dysfunctional despair as I woke up from the hug

being dysfunctional was like a friend
It sticks to you
Pushes you to bed even when the sun rises and sets

Being dysfunctional was a disease
I saw my friend being pulled to the bed
Weeks later I saw the death stains in the bed wondering how much she was bleeding inside

Being dysfunctional was a prison
My thoughts swam around me with my blurred visions
My head feels heavy
My legs ache

Being dysfunctional was simply scary
How long was I going to be pulled into bed
Only for me to be discovered without a soul

Tossing & turning towards the dying light
Tears on the pillow
Desperate calls were made
Empty words were shared

I tied a scarf around my neck
Pull it harder and let it go

Your eyes were sad but you held on
And that's  how you ended your last kiss
As You bravely walked away from the woman that cut your skin with sharp kisses.

I smiled as I stepped out of school
I didn't want to reunite
Neither did I want to hug any of them

I smiled as I stepped out of school
I made tons of mistakes
Neither was I considered a 'normal student'

I smiled as I stepped out of school
I will never miss the endless torture from the books
Neither will I miss the taunts and the painful jokes directed at me

I smiled as I stepped out of school
I never had friends
Neither would I have the ones that would defend me when hate is directed to me.

I’m a broken porcelain
Cracks around my cheeks
Trying and giving up all at once
My art is shattering
I’m losing my pieces  
Numbers in my head
My nicotine craving is fixed
And it feels like I’m stuck in the middle of my destiny

Sometimes you need to observe their ways of ruining a child
                           mentally.
"You were never brilliant, anyway"
I
Was
Dumb
Enough
To
Believe
That.

Must have been good when you have hands to pull you from your sea of sadness
Must have been good when you could lay your head on bony shoulders to cry
Must have been good when someone hugs you tight and tells you that it's okay to cry
Must have been good when someone waits for you to tie your shoelace even when you're both late to class

But, it must have been devastating when you're lost and lost in your own tears
It must have been devastating when you're secretly drowning in your tangling depression while you lie through your expression
It must have been devastating when a bitter word could change the colours of your soul from the happy magenta to the crying blue
It must have been devastating when you're pretending to sleep with the sad words dancing to the the soft music of your own mind.

I held my grandmother's hand and realised that it was not living. There wasnt any blood flowing through her veins that were noticeable on her wrist and her fingers. Her fingers were almost purple and she still had the purplish gold color on the nail of her thumb. And I knew that this was how the pain flows in your heart when someone dies.

you told me I was beautiful and I saw the light in you
But your kisses were all full of lies
And as soon as the sun brightens up your windows , you threw me out of your crafted 'paradise'

I saw you
You saw me
You’re a lot different than you used to look
Still pretty as ever
Still cold as ever

I sat & wonder
If things will ever be good

I genuinely still care as I despise you sometimes

That’s all

Your flickering tongue
Can either be the heaven through my moans
Or the devil through my heartbreak.

She is not just an empty canvas for you to fill up your filthy art
She is not just an empty canvas for you to flow out your dark desires in red seduction
She is not just an empty canvas for you to write out your ***** poetry in paint
She is not just an empty canvas for you to colour her in pink and purple that are made up of your lies
She is not just an empty canvas for you to throw out your anger in chili red and orange like fire

Have you reminisced the dead love that brought you to tears and laughter at the same time?
It was at the moment when you were creeping at the pictures of the two of you.
It was at the moment when you were listening to his words in your mind.
It was at the moment when you were forcing your eyes to stop searching for his beauty.
It was at the moment when you were trying your best to stay friends as he avoided you.
It was at the moment when you were crying and begging for his hands.
It was at the moment when he walked away with his sad eyes after his last kiss.

i saw the veins on your hands as you carried me to safety
I saw you slouching with your back as you waited patiently for the doctor's words
I saw you feeding me rice when I could barely say 'grandmother'

And now I'm watching you sleep on the hospital bed
I am as worried as you were when I was too sick to breathe

Your inconsistent heartbeats brought my mama to tears
But I'm still here
remembering how much you told me to stay strong

Let your pain slip away as you rise to the surface of the life ocean
Let your sorrows and your sufferings drown

Let the marks that you cast upon us shine
Let your wishes and your desires grow in us

Let your love and your words stay in our hearts and let the paradise of truth stays within you

Here’s to me for growing the **** up
I’ve realized that I was stuck in a fake friendship for years
From all the lies you told me and all the crap you’ve given me

I assumed you rarely told me your mistakes either because you thought I would be like you
The usual narcissist who pretends her life has always been perfect
Or you needed the power to control me and demean me if I ever burst

Here’s to cutting you off for good
You only needed me because you wanted me and you never tried to be the best for me
Here’s to your narcissism and the things I’ve done for you during my teenage and adult years as I gave more than what I got

Here’s to cutting you off for good.
Our relationship was merely full of love and of course, full of hate
Call me a fake yeah I knew that

I’m better off without you
Because I know that I can live without your support
Cause that’s exactly how I’ve been living

They said she looks like art
But they could not see the thorns in her heart
Neither could they see the hidden storm in her eyes.

I was your 'girl' and your 'wife'
But then the storm came ruining the both of us
And I woke up naked and lonely
This was how I turned out to be your cold meat.

You break me into a masterpiece of marks and poetry
And that's how I write and thought about your apology.

You made me a mess of your hungry kisses and the strings of your guitar.
I chose to not be the **** you seek

She sees dragons in her sorrows as she hides herself under her pillows
She feels the rage of love burning at the back of her head when she fantasises his lips on hers
She carries the ocean of her hopes deep inside her and flow them all out through her fingers as she pour out her mind with the ink dancing on paper.

We held hands at grungy cafes and we tasted food like no other.
We kissed for hours and plan for the future.
We argued and argued for days and sometimes for weeks.
We kept our ***** secrets and cry for our own pain.

You've always been toxic that spilling you out from the glass of words that we shared was the right thing to do

i understand if you want to cut me off
you hated my toxic habits
and I knew I had to change
and I’ve kept grudges

I never liked your narcissism
but we had a bond
we rarely see each other but the least I could hope for
was your support to help me emotionally.

I needed a friend.

I wish I could cut you off
I really do

People will talk
You're not worthy to live
That's what they all say

People will hate
You've no one to love
That's what they'll sing in your head

Nobody ever tells you
That you're a masterpiece the world needs
Nobody wants to tell you the truth.

Honey, you're too far from the truth when this toxic attachment is bringing you down to his knees

We can either turn to the light or switch ourselves to darkness. That's what it feels like to live between heaven and hell.

My hopes are tangled
And they're starting to become sadness

It's my fault, daddy
I gave my all
I gave my soul
I wore my heart on my sleeve
I kissed the poison
The damage is done

wrote lists but my standards are drowning
my rules have disappeared
words from God turned to lust for desire
I am weaker and desperate

sometimes I think about all the things I told people about
I spent my years revealing myself to the girls who I thought will be my closest
To the men who I thought will stay by me
To the family members who I thought will support me

All that guilt and shame that swims around me
Made me think of death so much until it scares me
If I ever die by my choice
I want to say that you’ve shamed me so much and pushed me so hard to the wall
That I decided to use my grudges towards you and push it right through my soul

It still kills me when I think about my dead relationships and friendships
No argument was even needed to cut many of them off

I never liked yellow because of the colour that would burn on my brown skin. I hated the colour so much until I threw the yellow dress which was a gift from my mom.
But I fell in love with the colour when the sky turned yellow. I was laying under the tree with the yellow flowers and I could see that his eyes were so brown under the yellow sky. Brown eyes were just brown eyes until I became poetically attached to it. Yellow was just 'too bright for me' until I saw how it burned me poetically.

When that song comes
I think of you
I think of those green eyes staring right back at me
I know you don’t like it when I talk about your eyes cause I know you want to be known as you and not with those eyes
I know that when you stared at the wall behind me
You think of her
The song was playing and you were thinking of her
And you told me you were sad
I asked why and you didn’t respond
Why did I even ask you that when I know the answer
Maybe this whole thing is an assumption so that I can get you out my mind
This isn’t poetry!
I keep thinking about how distant you got
I don’t want these feelings
I don’t want to care
I hate how much I randomly think of you cause texting you before we slept together was already a habit
A routine that you made me do
But I’m always reminded about what a genuine person you truly are
As the time goes by I’ve been diving into my responsibilities just to get
You
Out
Of
My
System.
This is why I press skip when the song starts playing on my Spotify