how do I tell my mother that I am a lot happier than I used to be
The tall man that comes to see me weekly
His long fingers , moving around the guitar strings
He tells me that I’m too pretty and I always wonder if he has told this to other women
He calls me daily
He says I’m his priority
I was afraid at first as I was trying to establish bigger boundaries
The boundaries are still there
But I’ve never been happier
I can listen to his voice and his guitar all day as long as I don’t push myself further
For the very first time I don’t feel the pain that I used to feel from any men

And I really think that’s what matters the most in this different city

I saw you
You saw me
You’re a lot different than you used to look
Still pretty as ever
Still cold as ever

I sat & wonder
If things will ever be good

I genuinely still care as I despise you sometimes

That’s all

being dysfunctional was like a friend
It sticks to you
Pushes you to bed even when the sun rises and sets

Being dysfunctional was a disease
I saw my friend being pulled to the bed
Weeks later I saw the death stains in the bed wondering how much she was bleeding inside

Being dysfunctional was a prison
My thoughts swam around me with my blurred visions
My head feels heavy
My legs ache

Being dysfunctional was simply scary
How long was I going to be pulled into bed
Only for me to be discovered without a soul

I saw my late grandmother at the corner
She smiled at me and I waved back at her
I swam towards her and gave her a hug

And then she disappeared in my arms
I looked at my hands and wonder
What was I doing in the sea

Only for me to drown into the dysfunctional despair as I woke up from the hug

sometimes I think about all the things I told people about
I spent my years revealing myself to the girls who I thought will be my closest
To the men who I thought will stay by me
To the family members who I thought will support me

All that guilt and shame that swims around me
Made me think of death so much until it scares me
If I ever die by my choice
I want to say that you’ve shamed me so much and pushed me so hard to the wall
That I decided to use my grudges towards you and push it right through my soul

It still kills me when I think about my dead relationships and friendships
No argument was even needed to cut many of them off

I will like to apologise to that boy
I went into a delusional state of my idealism and faith
I wish you could see
How crazy I’ve gotten for you

How crazy I was becoming

But I know that this will all be over
The moment you decided how done you were
And it broke me so hard
But I know it’s what I’ve always wanted

I hate you for approaching me
I hate you for all those desperate texts
I only could wish that those messages were never sent in the first place

and sometimes
Just sometimes
I wish that things could work healthily between us
If only you saw me the way I saw you
If only you try to love me just the way I was subconsciously doing

I still think of you
Which is stupid
And sad
And I’ve become a mess
It’s hard
Why
Won’t
You
Ever
Like
Me
The
Way
I *******
Like
You

To my dear Faira,
You’ve made your decision
I pushed all the guilt inside me
And let the sadness drown me for a little while

I will never forget the vast amount of orange in your closet
I will never forget the touch of your hair when I helped to give you a haircut
I will never forget the chats we had at the bar as we sipped our favourite cocktails
“FOCUS ON THE PATTERNS HE GAVE YOU, NOT THE POTENTIAL “
I remember saying that and you agreed to it wholeheartedly

I should have given you a tighter hug
I should have stayed longer with you
I should have been with you more often

You were consumed by the darkness you felt
I wish I could stop you and pull you from it
I wasn’t an amazing friend to you and I would love to apologise for that.

Know that you’re always in my heart, faira