Discovered pain
They try to rekindle
Two different lifestyles
Suburban and the hood
I never grew up like they did
Always had fancy cars and fancy houses
They paid five grand for there home
I saw them for the first time they were shocked
Oh how I sound stuck up
Oh my birthday is coming up
Oh what are you going to get me
They don't know me
They're using me for what I got
I'm better off without them

Daddy was ashamed
Of his little girl
He knew his little girl was all on the Internet
He knew his little girl nudes leaked
He left his little girl feeling all alone
And that little girl felt like she was alone
So baby girl ran away
Ran away from home because she wasn't loved, so she thought
She ran away to a wilderness so far away
No one else could get there
She ran away and went to heaven

I think the hardest struggle I deal with on a daily is wanting to be loved, wanting someone to take the time to show me I am loved. And it’s difficult for me to understand why my entire life why it’s been so hard for people to show me the love I desire. I hate false promises, I hate “I will get better” because lies don’t do anything but run in a circle and I get so tired of being in a 360 field with people I hate turning back, I’m tired of not getting 180, I’m tired of giving my all and being everything when everybody can’t give me an ounce of themselves, I hate it, and as I go day through day it gets harder, as I grow older and want to lay down in the bed with my husband every night and be a wife and be protected, I grow knowing that visions don’t fulfill my womanhood, love does, men gives sometime love and think it’s enough and I deserve so much more. I’m more important than i midday nap, I’m more important than ounce of snore, I want to be put on someone’s pedestal as I always try to hold men to highest degree but yet I am always left crying bending down at my altar talking to mother asking her when is the pain going to end, when will a man hold me higher than hisself, a man that makes sure I’m okay and can feel how I feel from Miles away, seems so untouchable and when I get it it seems so temporary because with a blink of an eye I feel that love comes and goes when it comes to a man loving me…. It’s the truth that write with the tears that I shed and the blood that seeps down my fingertips as I write words with thorns from my pain that has risen.

The layer that closed again
I was open then I fell into a trap
I was trapped by someone
I thought loyalty was all he knew but loyalty wasn’t nothing he knew
So I was exposed and my shell shattered so as I struggle to put the shell together
He’s lost without me because I was his angel I gave him the soul he had
But he left

I just realized I would want a world like brave new world. Where death comes at age 60 expectably instead of unexpected death and the feelings that it causes. A world where feelings are not among us only on given days. A world that uses soma to relieve there pain. It's quite a nice new world a world unattainable.

I felt pretty empty
All I see is white walls
Noises from laughing children
Annoyance from sadist adults
Tension from everyone around
An emptiness that could not be described
A defeat that I felt happened
The road is short
But I'll roam in the woods and find another way
The road is short
But I'll turn back around and find the exit before
The road is short
But baby I'm not giving up
The road is short
But I have to go farther

The hardest thing is staying together
Because life will start you off with a rose but as soon as you turn around then you are holding thorns and then you're ready to let go and move on to find another rose
How can you hold something when you forgot to hold it from before
Maybe you became so foreign to the action of holding something that you wanted to let it go. The fight is up to you, they say. The will to keep fighting the urge to let go is the true fight. The true fight is overcoming from your temporary pain and lasting to get to see your forever with the rose you spoke your forevers too.

Would he stop
Making me blush like a rose
Making my smile bloom so much
Would he stop
Giving me butterflies
Making me feel like I'm his queen
Would he stop
Hard to get affection if you've never been loved

I told you I was no good
But you begged for me
You cared for me
Then I needed you
But you was no good for me
I told you I was trouble

I'm so deep in love it's like diving in the Mariana, everlasting.
I'm so high off him, it's like I'm intoxicated with every illegal substance.
I'm in so much trouble because I killed for him and I lied for him.
I'm so in love, and I like it.
I like the way he talks, I love the way he sings, I love his smile and I love every flaw.
But he has no flaws to me, our love diminishes flaws.
Never been intertwined before until his heart met with mines and I felt our souls attaching to one another.
The love grows deeper every day as our heart becomes more and more attached.
Deeper. *
Deeper.
Deeper.

Art bursts out my veins onto the canvas.

I only hope and desire for you
I only hope to find you as the other piece of my puzzle
I only want you to be my Clyde and I want to be your Bonnie
But I'm only young
So can I think about the future
Can I think about love
I just want to see progress
I don't know I just want to see love
But is that too much to ask for
Or is that just EZ love

Tick tock tick tock
If a tick and a tock was a motion
That’s the motion I feel with him
Up down up down
As time wraps around me every night
It caters to me
It calms me during the darkest of days
Somehow with time I feel invincible
I wake up to time everyday
Time touches me as it kisses my heart
These motions I want to last forever

I glow like the summer moon, I rise like a butterfly that has just left it’s home, I sparkle like the fairy you claimed didn’t exist, I conquer like the Great X, I walk like the ground is gold, I love like it’s no more left in this world, and my selfless acts are good deeds from the heart and is not of the world. As I fly from this dimension called “Thoughts” I come slightly down to reality to speak words of the mind, and soliloquies of the heart.

That invigorating feeling I have right now
That I can't stop
Stop painting
Stop writing
It's a sense of adrenaline
That was lost in an artist heart
Unkept but still groomed
Of an artist heart
My heart

My words has a stinch, therefore it lingers
Lingers into your mind and continue to stay
Lingers until new words approach and blossoms
The lingering effect

Land of the wicked
Land of the famed
Land of the people that done called my name
Land of the grateful
Land of the kind
Land of the murderers who **** for a living
Land of the brave
Land of the free
Land of the corrupted cops who **** for a living
Land of America
Land of the wicked

I’m getting older
In an multitude of ways
I can look at my yesterday and see so many things I thought I would have never seen
I fell in love again when I thought I didn’t have anymore love in me
I’m getting older
Maybe he’ll still love me as much as I love him
Im getting older

Better off by myself
Broken heart
Love at first sight
Will **** you on second glance

Heart dismantled
But the words were sentimental
How can I glue the pieces together when I made them fall apart?

How can I get so wrapped up in something?
Why do I insist on my heart being broke?


It became painfully clear

I bathe in my sins
I tried to become anew
Instead I came back up
Tears flowing
Tears drying
Just laying here
Fighting battles
Removing swords
Trying to become whole
Once again

The cold tickled me
I tickled the wind with breath
I screamed from top of the hill
Invincible and unstoppable
Thinking to myself
Will I ever be invincible?
Will the world see me as I see me?
Do you?

de·ranged (mad; insane.)
He cracked me open so I wanted to knock him down. I wanted to shoot him harder than it shot, but it was a temporary feel so I was still hurt. I said to myself the only permanent feel of satisfaction I will get is death. And no not death of thou self, but the death of one other. One year, two year, three, it will never be expected but it will arrive. The wait is just the game but the final is the shot. He will feel the hurt but instead of it being temporary it will be permanent, but he will be lost because I won’t be there to find him once more, so he will be like a stray while I watch in the forefront, while he thought he won the game, he just opened it up for another player to loose. I say, Let The Games Begin!
Game Started 26 May 2018
Time began: 1:06 AM
Players Joined: 3

She killed me mentally
The scaring of her words
Almost killed me physically
These cuts is a representation of all her words

The sooner I go
The sooner I know
I know it's time for me to go

You never noticed me
When you did
I was nothing but a friend
My heart told me to do everything for you
But yours told you not to
I wanted more
You took my heart away
You pricked every vessel with your words
I bled to death because loving someone who doesn't love me
Is death to my heart

Crazy when I speak to him my world becomes such full of him and love, like I’m being held, like
Love sprouts like the flowers In April. Then I think of the word deception....

What do I need?
What do I have?
Why do I need love at this moment?
Can I get someone to care for me just once in my life?
Can I get someone to take care of me now while I'm sick?
Will someone someday be my heart?
It's all I need
A dose of love

Mentally I was down
But then someone saw
They saw me
They saw my talent
They saw something that I thought I had lost
And once they saw  
I felt
I felt loved
I felt appreciated
Sometimes it's hard to receive support when you feel like you're not at your best
It's been a long journey
A really looooong journey
I've lost the most important and influential people in my life and I'm only so young
They pushed me so far while they were here
And sometimes I just have to realize my losses only makes me stronger
My lost ones are in the sky looking down on me and watching my future
While I think I'm stuck in this particular moment
But they see greatness
And I do to

Miles apart
But still connected by heart

When that mind trickles that soul
It hurts
It gives you bad thoughts
It kills the souls
The mind could be so evil
The evil we've been expose to
Stand before us
Can it be controlled or will "it" control you?

Wind blows from behind
Blood flows from within
Love flows from me
Hate blows from you
Time flows constantly
Patience blows away
I'm tired of waiting

People are fascinated by death
I am fascinated by life
Maybe people don't see death as I see it
I've seen it many time
I've felt it many times
I want to live
Live freely and enjoy every breath I have
Living in the realm of happiness

The life I live can never be depicted in a movie script
I'm afraid that no actor can ever feel what I've felt
I'm afraid no one has the word for it
It would take years for them to depict 2% of my life
The audience would cry but would want to find out more
But I wouldn't want them to dig through my dark secrets that could cause a terror.
Terror, of a cause that can never be depicted

At this moment
It's 10:44 pm
And tears are falling
And I want my mom
I want her hug
I want her advice
I need her at this moment
Why did I have to loose her?
Why me?

I remember feeling a sense of misery
Taking morphine like candy
Wanted to be understood and cared for
But could someone truly understand me
How can they understand me without judging me?
The night I died was the happiest night of my life
I just want to be closer to heaven
I hate being left alone with my thoughts because I'm not good enough
I can't love someone like they imagine to be loved
I can't care for someone the way I would like to care for them
I just want to live a happy life
but is it too good to be true?

I'm sitting here
I'm sitting here in the car in the rain
As I look at the droplets on my window
I look at my tears stream down the window
As I hear the thunder
I hear the hate from others
As the rain stops
My tears stop
As the thunder stop
The hate stops
It's over

I just want to tell him the truth
That I died a thousand times
I could die again
I want to tell him the true pain I've been through
But he will leave
The pain ruined me
But he just doesn't understand
I could die tonight

Give me love
Give me passion
Give me what I desire
My desire is you
Melting my soul...

I came like the dark moon
Subtle and reminiscent
Gleaming from above
Just to feel lonely like a dove
Quickly moving from side to side
Shining so vigorously it hurts
Choose or rather be disowned
Oh Oh Lonely Moon
"Beautiful," they say
You stay up to see my darkness and fall asleep
while my light shines
Rather contradicting
Rather detrimental
Rather lonely
Lonely
Lonely

I broke off
I fell apart
I fixed myself

I laughed it off
I drove off
I left

I left the troubled world
I left the hard judgement
I left myself to find myself again

I discovered life
I discovered myself
But I'm not finished, I'm just on the first page trying to finish the book

We starved together and we grind together, the most important part is we eat together. We eat together despite the situation, and despite the hardships. The hunger we felt at night was beyond our means, but we survived and we kicked it with each other. Success came to us overnight, and when I mean overnight it’s about 6-7 years but the thing is our poor moments seemed like it was yesterday. Seemed like yesterday I didn’t have food to eat or could partake in lobster and champagne. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not to good to sit down and eat take out from the local Chinese spot. I’m just saying since I’m eating, my entire family will partake. Everybody eats!

I want more of you
Want more of your love
But that's not you
Pretty soon I will be leaving you
Wanted you to take this journey with me
But the love is not there
It's you, not me

How can I put two words together that contradicts each other?
How can I write things unknowingly for it to become a beautiful writing?
It’s like how can I hold a heart that’s not mine.
It’s like how I aim to shoot Cupid’s arrows into a heart that intentionally misses them. I thought I won but I did loose. They said the same way you get them is the same way you loose them, I look back to that phrase and confirm.

I appreciate the rose that grew from concrete. Because I thought that rose couldn’t grow anymore.
I didn’t know the Rose was capable to love once more. But the rose has been on a journey, not a typical one but she’s definitely been searching... searching for more.
More of u, more of me, more of them

I'm always there for people
But it seems like no one is there for me
Can someone be there when I need them?
I don't ask for much