ive been pounding my fists against this wall for days. or has it been years? no. days.
all my love has been ****** out of me. i dont know where its gone. maybe its evaporated, now floating with the stars.
did you know salt water stains leather? or maybe its just tears. not all salt water.
im distant. even thought youre just on the other side, sight, or lack of it, is one of those catalysts. close? youre closer than ever. far away? where are you.
why heaving? im sick of this ****. dry? i havent eaten anything since the **** quesadilla.
um... yeah. ive started cussing. a regret.

innocent as in not having done
not as in not having known
i always knew
and it made me sad
but know ive done
and i hate that im fine with it
not because its wrong
but because i am
and now i cant stop
im telling myself im above it all
but i know it rules over me
but thats fine
what is going on

i used to slam her behind her back
i used to think it all so unjust
the things she'd say, make me do
simply cruel

time+curiosity+willingness+regret= wisdom

im so sorry for everything ive said before
things you should know
but ill never tell you
i think i understand now
with the help of E and M
how she acts
the awful things she says

theyve helped me see who i used to be
but i think/hope ive changed

miscommunication
pent up tension
my sadness, your madness
and now I'm here
criss crossed on the concrete
so cold it stings
scraping my mistake off your precious stones

if i died
would she realize it was her fault
i dont think so
because she refuses to believe
that ive already decided
that against all truth and logic
im done for now

Those Girls Who

wear too much make up
spit when they talk
think flirting will get them somewhere
complain about everything
lie, gossip, cheat
take too many selfies, then edit them until you can't tell what you are looking at
only care about what they're saying
have no clue what personal space is
live at Starbucks
know who your crush is, then take him away
say they don't judge, but are always silently judging
say they hate drama, then go kiss their friends date
laugh at their own jokes
laugh at old folks
chat during sad parts in movies
read your texts but never text back
and can't read your face when you're too sad to speak

flashbacks to pjs and long drives
bleached blonde hair and big blue eyes
sad little sunsets hidden behind crumbling houses
made the stratospheric masterpieces that we stumbled across
as we grew up and traveled farther
all the more stunning
we never talked about them though
just trusting that the other treasured them as much as you did
i never doubted that those sunsets were still hidden
in the caverns of your big, odd, heart
now its not just your heart thats big
look at you, so tall in the crowd
walking... somewhere, anywhere, who knows
certainly not you :)
your head high, eyes to the sky
or wherever, anywhere but down
that was never you, you never looked down
except at me, when i would lay on the floor of your room
and giggle when you'd snort
and your goofy laugh
no wonder im out of sorts
i loved that floor
it was always there for me to sit on while you sunk into your bed
i just miss your eyes on me, no thoughts behind them
it was just our moment to sit in the sibling-ness of it all
now we run but i miss when we crawled
we'd stress about the crazy week coming up
but i could never cry in your room
except for that one time
but that wasnt your real room, just your dorm
the dorm with the door
the closed one
that i just stood and stared at for a little bit
like it had slammed on me
and my throat closed
and i choked for a second because i thought
"i hope theres a window in there"
"so he can see the sunsets...
... and maybe remember me"
just maybe
i cried because i wasnt sure
i doubted that you would remember me
that you would remember those sunsets
i doubted they were still shining in you
i want to say that mine are still shining bright
but you dont ever call
and when i call youre only half there
and i understand that where you are is so much better
than where i am
but i still want you here
on your floor
your old floor
where i giggle
but theres no laugh
where theres a sun
but no beautiful light
not anymore

Why do we run until we collapse,
only to look in the mirror and tell ourselves we need to do it all again?

Why do we ace all the tests,
only to call ourselves stupid and put ourselves down?

Why do so many people call us beautiful,
but we can't help but compare ourselves to the magazines once again?

We are all Jars of Clay, sculpted by God's own hands. In our brokeness, the light shines through.

It doesn't matter what you said
i get a grip when i lose my step
its not that easy to break me

we are all silhouettes against the sun
shadows on a hill
pebbles rolling down a stream
and one more empty space to fill

is the pain really worth the prize
is the suspense really worth the surprise
the path darkens
the light in front gets brighter
but i am going nowhere

your gaze
puts sunlight underneath my skin

A restless yearning
Won't stop burning
Behind my eyes
Inside my legs

Yes I can
It's who I am
Inside my heart
Lives in my mind

You'll never know your accusations
Are what provide motivation
In my anger
Amongst my memories

my room is perfect
just me, my plants, and my lasagna.
the perfect song plays in the background and i hear footsteps up the stairs
normally i can tell who it is by the way it sounds
but i dont recognize the rhythm
huh. weird.
just as im wiping sauce off my face i look up
ohmygoditsyouandyourestandingrightthereohmygodyourelookingatm­e
and at the delicious red mess all over my face.
a million questions race through my head:
why is he here
why is he just standing there
why is he smiling
why wont he look away from me
"that smells really good"
what the heck does that mean
quick, say something cute!!!!
"ha yah its my favorite"
i said cute, you idiot, what the **** was that
p.s. dont forget to breathe
"can i come in? your room is really cool..."
he walks in and looks around.
ohmygodhesinmyroom
"thanks. its like my little bubble of peace and good vibes and contentment..."
stop rambling
"thats cool. woah... theres like, plants everywhere"
"yah, i really like plants. how theyre so green and how they grow..."
he looks at me.
ohmygod he thinks im a total ******
"theyre everywhere... its really beautiful"
he looks at me.
BREATHE
"so what are you doing here?"
"I was just on my way to work and passed by and, well..."
he looks down, blushes and smiles. he looks up at me.
"i saw your light was on, so i figured id say hi. and ive... never actually seen your room before so..."
I smile at him, and for once, my mind is quiet.
"i should go. ill be late..."
he turns to leave.
"hey, thanks for stopping by! its so nice to see you..."
silence. eye contact.
offer to-
"do you want some lasagna? you know, to take with you?"
-or that
he smiles and laughs. my heart swells.
"that's okay. but-"
i smile again.
"could i come by for dinner sometime?"
YES YES YES YES-
i say calmly, "of course. stop by anytime"
silence. more eye contact.
"bye"
"see you soon"
...
*AAAAHHHGGGKJLKJDLIIXB

its like i have a shadow
except you make me choke
my words are not your clearance
my sitting down is not your opportunity
get off me
go away
let me take this label off my chest
i am not your safe place

Im too much of a mess
i've always known it
but i guess
i was just avoiding it
because no one has offered
to hold my hand
for me
when it feels heavy

Someone asked if I miss you.
I didn't answer.
I closed my eyes and walked away
and whispered, "so much"

The hotel window is dark now
It used to be full of life
Now the honking horns just scare me
The shadows run away as if they too
are scared

Now
My only entertainment
Is hopping over cracks
in the pavement
on the path to
Death

You grabbed my heart faster than a fat kid grabs cake

Yet walked away slower than internet explorer can load

i love driving alone. its comfy in a silent car, cause you can just think and think and think about whatever you want to think about and you dont have to think about what theyre thinking about and you dont have to think about what theyll say next or what youll say next or what they think of you. your only job is to think about yourself. can you imagine not being able to take your thoughts off of the person next to you? thinking about someone else is exhausting. i know cause i did it once.

i was driving on some back road somewhere and saw this guy standing on the side of the road with his thumb out. i dont know what came over me but i just pulled over and let him in. he looked at me and i looked at him and… we just looked at eachother. for a minute i couldnt think about anything but his big beautiful eyes. but then i kept driving and- i couldnt stop thinking about them. it made me angry. angry bc he had taken my thoughts. they werent in my head anymore, they were over there. in the passenger seat that should have been empty, swimming around in his big, beautiful eyes.

id never thought so much about someone besides myself and it made me tired. so tired that i just wanted to sleep, but when i closed my eyes all i could think about were his eyes and it made me angry all over again, now because i couldnt sleep.

i drive alone now. still. because that way i never have to not think about myself ever again. my thoughts are mine, and i like it that way.

the bathroom door has fissures
millions of curved metallic grains
all flowing together
but they etch out a raw, terrifying vision
at least, that's what it is to me: a womb
like the pentagon of an ultrasound
which would normally depict a cramped, squirming fetus
but instead, my face
staring blankly and pathetically back
but i swear im actually thinking, swirling
im trapped in this dark womb fabricated by a million
uniformed streaks

its dark and soft, everywhere
danger and comfort coexisting around me
and i am tucked away in the latter
invader, middleground, muddled mind
i turn my head and there is a spear of light
two
they glow, ******* up the life and eminating pain
restriction and aggrivation
the clunk, clunk of metal and rubber
breath caught, eyes fixed
fateful and stunning, slender silver
i hate them but i cant move without them
the sheets lose their softness, my middleground slips away
i cant go back to sleep
2:08 am

the circle of light shines down on me
its so bright i cant see
so i look down and around
its so dark i cant see
this is my life, either too light or too dark
the tears are so many i cant see

my butterfly, my butterfly

never came back to me

to say goodbye, to say goodbye

was the last thing it taught me

No, not beautiful
No, not ugly
Just more average than average

The only problem is that
I don't know, and can't control, what it's showing
Normal? I have no idea

And I know I'll never see it myself
I just wish I could
And know what to change

The biggest miscommunications
Happen with my face

Yes, I feel stupid: glaring at you and making you think I want to ****** someone, when it's only the sun in my eyes

No, you did nothing wrong!

Please see past the anger, sadness, or shock that you may see
That isn't me! I'm so much better

in the corner
you see my tears
you see my empty face

in my corner
curled up like always
why move

in this corner
im nothing without love
so true

in the corner
you can't see it
and neither can i

*My Halo

mom i know i can never make you understand but right now please just hold my hand

My P.E. log
blank and white
Represent the days
that i exercised
Ate chocolate instead, chilled out in my bed
and watched Netflix
Instead of going outside

Only saw you once
On the metro
You looked like you needed help
I felt like I could have helped you

Never even talked
But our eyes did meet
You looked like you needed hope
But you looked away before I could smile

Pull up to the platform
I opened my mouth to speak
You just picked up your bag
And left

Fell in love
With someone
I had never even met
And it hurt

*Badly

the funny thing about futures
is that theyre hazy with trials
but at the same time so clear, you can see it for miles
can riddle you with excitement, all the way down to your core
and render you helpless in a panic attack on the floor
brighten your day
send tears down your face
wrap you in assurance and plans
look big and scary and tell you "you cant"
be the sense behind your choices
be the source of all the inside voices
be the reason you blossom into a beautiful self
or your legacy will be another unread book on the shelf

Uneven I fly
In the dead of night
Zig zagging towards the moon
Then I disappear
Until you catch my eye
And zoom into hysterical *silence

maybe
all i've ever wanted is for someone to hold my hand
and to know that they will never let go
maybe
you are just too busy being right
to see how badly i need help
maybe
I've tried to fill the fissures in my heart
with music and school for too long
maybe
the reason im doing my project on personality is so
i can find a way to change mine
maybe
im terrified of the next moment
when you might slam me down
the second i open up

maybe i don't want to be the smartest
maybe i don't want to be just like you

maybe
i cry tears that you had no idea were even there
maybe i need a friend who means it for once

but one thing i am sure of
i was wrong when i thought
that i could find that friend
in you

Cause we gotta
Keep driving down the highway     Even if the pavement's old
Get our toes a little wet     Even if the water's cold
Get a running start
And don't stop sprinting until the end

That's how we learn not to break     But bend

i am part of a crazy family
and i refuse to believe that
i cant change them
i realize this is shocking, but
"i really love them"
is a lie, and
"they are not important in my life"
since now i have my priorities straight,
im more important than the rest of my family
its just cruel to think
i love them

There is only one kind of love that i search for
A love that is jealous
One worthy to yearn for

if it gives you hope
and it calls out your name
this love doesn't come from just any bloke

But there was a sacrifice that was made
my veil was torn and He paved the way
He bled and died so that  I could be saved

Because we're on the run
Won't stop until we're free
And life will catch us by the tail
Every chance it sees
Let's shut the door
Dim the lights
And hide from everything

Wouldn't it be great
if everyone was an open book?
no secrets to keep
everyone would feel free

if would be so much easier to find the one
because you wouldn't have to pretend to be
someone else because they would already
know everything about you

and love you anyway

Why love if were going to lose

Why give us a choice if we can't choose

And why ask us to tell the truth when we can't discern from the lies

What use to us are tears if they won't fall from our eyes

Is there really a guy out there
Who doesn't care what I look like
And will love me anyway

Girls say that there is all the time

All of them wear mini shorts and don't have to **** in their belly look good in a tight shirt

Like they know what they're talking about

Is there really a genuine man out there
Or will society contaminate him before I find him

i never would have guessed I would want to change everything
tear my lists, maps, and plans out of the notebook
and fill their place with letters
lyrics, little poems, and love
I would do it in an instant
But I don’t
Because I’m afraid of paper cuts
And the tears and blood that they bring
So for now I’ll just leave them
All my plans, safely in the book, their sharp edges far from my fingertips
And I’ll read your beautiful words over and over again
scribbled passionately in the margins between neat lines that predict my future
And I’ll recite them as I walk, drive, sleep
And I’ll wish you were there in those moments instead of just your words
And I’ll wish I wasn’t so afraid of paper cuts

how many faces have passed by
i can not count

what each face's life was like
i cannot tell

but i can imagine

what a privilege to be amongst so many
intricate lives

but they don't see me
or remember me

but that is perfect
i like it that way

not about me

im a bench sitter
a face rememberer
a open eyer
life ponderer

a people watcher

streams of a Savior's blood on the temple floors
cracks of a whip echo off the marble
fresh splinters wedge themselves in the cracks
in the skin
in the soul
the screams and tears go mute for a moment
His moment
to look up from afar
and into these black, clouded eyes
this black, clouded heart
the same weight on His back the same weight in His gaze
the same pain in his crown the same pain in the irises
that bore into blackness and flood it with
glorious light
glorious light
and effortless omniscience of all the terror
of the hell that has entered into the holy place
and stained it with despair
except for the eyes that contain visions of eternal hope
and they are staring at me

"Thank you."

"I love you"

"I'm sorry."

"God Bless You!"*

So overused, so overlooked
These phrases should only be said if they are meant with *the whole heart

theres a trail out there
and shattered glass at the top of its hill
made it all the way up
just to be left broken and ***** at the finish line
im sorry
not because youre broken
(being broken isnt so bad)
but because all you can see is the dust that coats you
i promise
all your pieces make a window
and all the stars make a sky
and all this dust makes the adventure of a lifetime

we sat together
in a nothing-special parking lot
in your rusty red pontiac
staring at a white picket fence
contemplating whether we should drive right through it
and out into the real world
a world full of love, pleasure excitement
but not without the loss, pain, and down times
but we wanted all of it
we want all of it
because its better than this, this sitting and waiting
abiding by the clock, our parents, our dresscode, our reputations

i love you for sitting there with me
while i cried and laughed at the same time
you magnified the light at the end of the tunnel
and i never want you to leave because you are the little bit of spontaneity i have left

i just read a dumb book

About a girl who is wrecked
And a boy who is broken

And then just with one look

They open up and are slowly perfected
By falling into an unreal love

And all it took

To make a teen giddy with hope
Is an author who lives in a hole

To write a dumb book