I hate being depressed all the time
Only have myself to blame
Repeating mistakes over and over
They always end the same

I didn't want to give up on us
Thought I would stick with you through the worst
So you can fault me if you want
But you gave up on yourself first

It's the continuous silent yet pressing "tick-tock"
In my head heard though I own no clock
It's opening eyes every morning to familiar pain
And constant weight of loneliness driving me insane

I try to view as just a bump in the road
Wish silently the right way to be shown
I've been walking this path for so many years
Other directions seem to disappear
I sit and wait for opportunity's knock
It doesn't
Continue to walk..
Against wall my back is pressed
Is this destiny or simply a test?
I should be alarmed
The darkness closing in
It's nothing compared to the blackness within

I'm not pretty but that is what they say
Do not believe yet still I reply "okay"
I have cuts across my heart
Sorrow portrayed as a work of art
I'm always sleeping in late
Life lived in a foggy state
Dark circles rest on face
I've had plenty hours
In dreamland dancing barefoot picking flowers
Permanently bitter due to much neglect
Too far gone for innocence to ever ressurect
I'm too cynical to let anyone near
Not warm enough so people disappear
And I cannot fathom why anyone would stay
It's no surprise when good things slip away
I fake laughter to disuassade any concern
Joy is a blessing for which I desperately yearn
But in conversation I act like I am fine
Do very best not to reveal a single sign
I wear dark eyeliner to match my point of view  
Even black isn't quite enough to mimic the hue
Because insecurities constantly bring me down
Erasing smile then replacing with frown
I self isolate
I know deep inside
Loved ones would be better off if I died

Soon I will start healing
At least that's what I hope
It's what I tell myself each night
To ease my grief and help me cope

What a cruel reality
The lonely ditch I've dug
No words to describe the depth of my pain
No one to listen
Nobody to hug

A terrible lie resounds in my head
"It's all your fault "
A voice declares
A barrage of negative beliefs cavort
In a twisted game of musical chairs

Broken promise of forever
Remaining shards rest in my hands
Along with the fading traces
Of our once-unified plans

Imprisoned by sweet memories
Held captive in their embrace
Try to take a step forward
But my feet are frozen in place

Never have I felt so low
Crushed by overwhelming desire
Not understanding how attraction so strong
Could suddenly with no warning expire

I yearn for happiness I had
Before blue skies turned grey
Now the closest to joy I will get
Are those moments in my mind I replay

An awful truth I must accept
Is that you are never coming back
And since you left my heart has darkened
To an ugly shade of bluish-black

I fear my tomorrows will all be the same
In this tunnel I see no light at the end
It has been a whole year since goodbye
And these wounds haven't yet begun to mend

Set my soul free from misery
And the love to which it is bound
Maybe then I will uncover peace
That so far cannot be found

I am indecisive
Also insecure
Tentative
Too tender
Why?
Not sure
Alive in birthing of a new dawn
Voice of comfort I can no longer depend upon
I tremble in your presence like a motor purring
The night's stillness within evokes stirring
Ripple leaves with a single breath
I contemplate my inevitable death
Am awash in flood of bitter loneliness
Crave a connection but receive no caress
Like wilderness mind is hard to navigate
Like music memory where I go to escape
Like pulsing rivers thoughts rapidly flow
My veins flooded as they roam to and fro
Like wind's whistle heartbeat won't stop
Edges of words poke lungs till they pop
Sing sorrows in a pleasant melody
Grim lyrics harmonize in major key
Your fingertips left invisible prints on skin
Constant reminder that you always win
And though agony is difficult to take
Will bend but refuse to fully break

You're everything that is bad for me
Would resist if I could
Toxicity is easy to see
You make me feel so good

Not immune to exceptional charm
Infected
Love's disease
Knees wobble
Stomach churns
Like it's a stormy sea

Supposed to be secure
Why am I anything but?
Long to sever ties
Too strong to be cut

To and fro memories scamper
Throwing past in my face
Ten thousand pieces of happiness
I am unable to replace

I've seen the darker side of you
Yet also witnessed your best
There's no one else I'd rather cuddle
Or make me feel distressed

Want the heavenly highs
Without proportionate pain
That's just not how it works
Can't have rainbows without rain

Woke up with headache
How day usually starts
The pain within my cranium
Does not compare to my heart

As tide creeps slowly in
Hope slyly sneaks out
The list of things I'm not
All I seem to think about

My voice dropped an octave
Sound I've grown to hate
It's just another line
In list of unattractive traits

I might be an artist
Good with words I am told
The descriptions I paint aren't pretty
Because world has made me cold

Life getting exhausting
Fed up with each breath
Have no choice but to carry on
Only cowards escape through death

Faces wearing smiles pass
Deepening my frown
Others make it look easy
Depression keeps me down

Darkness spreading as disease
Throughout expanse of my soul
My body feels like it's swallowed
By bottomless black hole

Turning corner after corner
Never reaching the maze's end
I get more and more lost
In labyrinth with every bend

Not sure if poor judgement to blame
Or the culprit is destiny
Either way stuck as a prisoner
Of everything I will never be

Truth hard to bear
Weight is heavy to hold
Can freeze your body
Your blood running cold

Challenging accepting change
It's something we must do
To grow as person first you must
Let go the world you knew

It will never be easy
Worse than any other pain
Torturing yourself with the past
Will drive you insane

Breathe deeply
Close your eyes
Let regret float somewhere far
All of your mistakes
Made you who you are

You warm ice surrounding
Little more each day
The motions of your skilled hands
And sincere words you say

Are you sick of me?
My list of endless flaws
Holding me in such high regard
Deserve round of applause

Here at my worst
Still look at me the same
Knowing me before
Monster I became

Not judging the slightest
My less-than-pure lifestyle
Around you can be myself
You'll like me all the while

Just seeing handsome face
Brings smile to mine
Struggle with constant depression
In your presence fine

To make this last an eternity
Give up all I own
No words to describe excitement
When I see you messaged my phone

You give reason to wake up in the morning
Make me want to survive
Usually spend time just existing
With you I feel alive

But I know it is coming to an end
Forever wouldn't be long enough
Distance might make our hearts fonder
The absence sure will be tough

To put simply
"I'll miss you"
It's so much more than that
When you leave I'll lose a piece of me
Will be the place you are at

Live to the fullest
All you're meant to be
While you're out there succeeding
Try to not forget about me

I am grateful to have a brother like you
And hope you know I am proud of you too
You are growing up
Starting your own family
Sincerely amazed at the mature man I see
Time speeds by in blink of an eye
Has no wings yet still seems to fly
I'm happy you have found joy you were searching for
Deserve every single smile and so much more
Not sure how you ended up so great
In a world that is cruel and full of hate
No one else has a sibling quite like mine
No matter what don't lose that shine!
It always will be an honor to share your last name
Until heart stops I'll love you the same
Thanks for helping me in more ways than one
Appreciation won't ever be done
Lives have only just begun!

Hard to decipher how you feel
Admire your poker face
Cannot see past your blank expression
Make sure there is no trace

Work to match aloofness
You won't notice I care
Underneath my cautious mask
Gasping for air

Beats of heart pound in my ear
Blood rushes under my skin
Sounds so loud from my perspective
Swear noise fills room we're in

Talent is acting like past never happened
Wearing indifference like cheap cologne
How dare you sit there talking to me
As if friends is all we've ever known

I wonder where the hell I went wrong
Couldn't see till it was too late
Now I wander lost within walls of this labyrinth
A victim of inevitable fate

I was warned to be careful
But I threw caution aside
Desperate for peace of some sort
Problems eventually multiplied

Said it was only temporary
Till my resolve began to cave
And the ditch I had dug surely deepened
Until the hole became my grave

When the walls surrounding me
Got to such a threatening height
That they shut out rays from the sun
I adjusted to life without light

But I long to give one final attempt
To climb out from depths of this abyss
Laughter ringing in memories past
Is an artifact I wistfully miss

Every day my smile fades more
Realizing one of my greatest fears
That the longer I loiter in this low place
The more likely it will forever disappear

I hate how I'm wrapped around your finger
It's beginning to take a toll
****** into your vacuum
Like you're a ******* hole

Fantasies won't be fulfilled
I love to daydream anyway
Like a bad habit I can't seem to drop
I crave you every single day

Yes I know it's pointless
And only makes wounds bleed
But I can't get over the notion
That I am who you truly need

I smoke a bowl of Mary Jane
These days she's my only friend
Giving me comfort when it gets hard
But still it doesn't help me mend

It's like earth is set on torturing me
Because everywhere I look
I see pieces of what we had
In each cranny and every nook

And you'll come back to haunt me
Emptiness what I hate the most
Wish that I knew how to move on
Exorcise your residual ghost

It's difficult to accept this is real
Give up on all our wasted plans
It's good to hear you are happy
Don't know why I give a ****

I'm tumbling downhill at dangerous speeds
Headed straight for hell
I'm sure that you won't catch me
You're the reason that I fell

I wake up with a headache
Medicate as soon as my day starts
This bottle of ibuprofen
Doesn't soothe pain in my heart

I find my will getting weaker
But conceal emotions inside
And you know the moment's inevitable
When my feelings grow too strong to hide

I try to maintain composure
But my organs burn with dismay
It's only a matter of time
Til I admit I'm not okay

On lonely frigid nights I can't help but cry myself to sleep
Though I know you are not worth these wasted tears I weep

Dear heart,

Why is it taking so long to heal?
How come pain is the only emotion you feel?
Deeply yearn to feel whole once more
Happy like I was before
I write my issues to soothe my stress
But it doesn't matter how much I confess
Person after person waltzes into my life
Then with no warning cuts our tether with a knife
While I watch frozen as if in a trance
Fed up with those who don't bother to give me a chance
I am dedicated and gentle towards who I care about the most
Yet cannot prove it because no one dares to get close
Of course know everything happens for a reason
But ponder what it is as I wait season after season
I am grateful you are still here despite being shattered
Taken many beatings that have left you bruised and battered
I try to find something to replace the emptiness inside of you
But that's the type of thing that is easier to say than do
And every time I am tempted to kiss remaining hope goodbye
Your stubborn voice reminds to give it one more try
I admit that sometimes I wish you would stop speaking
But despite my requests you carry on beating
On the wings of hope my negativity lifts
The rhythm you keep in time surely shifts
From a suffering slow thump
Feeble and weak
To an even-paced pound proving impressive technique
Allowing love to enter as you open up wide
Warming my being completely inside
Pain and sorrow still inhabit my soul
But I sense they are beginning to relinquish control
Life has a lot of good to balance out the bad
You are helping me see that I can overcome what makes me sad
Every small blessing you bring to my attention
Miracles that before were beyond comprehension
So this is to say thank you for opening my eyes so I can see
The beauty that surrounded all along
I'm forever grateful heart

Love,
Me

She is doing kind of **** I would never do
It genuinely hurts to see the way she's treating you
Back when mine I treated you as if you were my king
Looks as if in her mind you are nothing more than a fling
I try to hide disapproval because I don't have the right
To tell who is and who isn't worthy of holding you so tight
But is hard to witness you take any amount of abuse
Emotional and physical
You refuse to cut her loose
Does it seem I am simply sipping on some haterade?
Opinion formed without even giving you a chance to persuade
In gut instinct churns that she will run once more
What is stopping her now that wasn't in the way before?
Despite previous cold shoulder you dove right back into her (eye-see)icy sea
You really believe she changed overnight into the woman you need her to be
Suspicions
Concerns
Questions swarm my confused mind
You chase what does not care and leave who loves you behind
Rushing to her side again the moment you get the chance
When she pushes away I'm sure you'll repeat the dance
At worst I threw some punches when I lost control of my fist
Appears violent tendencies are something she doesn't bother to resist
I hope under covers she at least warms your body at night when it's late
Waking up by you privilege missed most so I pray that one blessing she appreciates
I wish her to hold you down whether doing good or bad
Because I supported through struggles no matter how little you had
She better carry more weight than I could to help relieve your heavy load
Demonstrating far greater strength then the pathetic bit I showed
Inevitably she will grow tired of the endless games and lies
Wonder how much manipulation she'll endure before she will finally cave and realize
I had given up on promised transformation and pushed for solely honesty
Something tells me she is not capable of accepting that this is all you'll ever be
She does a more adequate job than me at being everything you desire
Does a word exist describing the qualities I lack which you require?
Inside is excruciating knowing you have discovered happiness with someone new
In presence underneath maintained composure visciously longing to fall for anyone other than you
Unsure how much misery must drown in before loneliness finally sets me free
Maybe it is time to admit that this cage my heart is locked within was created with no key

Far far across acres of wild land
Distance fades touch of your hand
I visit you in my dreams **** near every night
In your absence just doesn't feel right
Don't know why continue clutching onto yesterday
Will hold back the words I want to say
Twisting painfully
Constricting my chest
Digging deeper longer they are suppressed
Forcing me to fight for every breath of air
Heart pounding as muscles tear
I love you through the blood and heartache
Always love who you are
Asleep
Awake
We drift out with tides
Stranded somewhere at sea
In the waves of everything we can't be
Floating atop oceans of tears you made me cry
All you've done
Explain to me why..

It sure was a strange sensation
Loneliness struck like ice
There can't possibly be justification
Putting me through this twice

With one highway between us
Never seemed so long
Steel door is locked leading to trust
It is unbreakable and strong

Every time walk the line
Carefully between give and take
I would stand up for myself if I had a spine
Order to clean up messes you make

Fear keeping paralyzed
Cannot move or make a sound
About time I realized
No longer want me around

What is expected from me?
You were the half that chose to leave
I'll do my best
Be your friend
Even if leading to another dead end
Never thought we would wash up where we are
Two separate shores
Watching you from afar
Be truthful with me
That is what I most desire
Sick of the games
Frustrated
Tired
Fake way through a familiar apology
Promising to be the man I know you'll never be
Like a rolling dice
Have many faces
Expert at bluffing yet you're always holding aces
You gamble my love
About time you lose
My heart not an object to pull apart or use
I'm sick of betting my chips
The poorest hand
For you I go all-in
Don't even understand
I never was good at cards
At least that is what I'm told
Probably should cut my losses
Say farewell and finally fold

As pulsing through my veins starts to slow way down
Tiny part of me is relieved
Blood swirling under skin nearly stands still
So subtle it's barely believed

My entire body pauses a moment
Then two
Paralyzed completely in place
As I prepare for the worst
A bed in death's embrace

Hearing goodbyes as world fades away
Quickly turns to black
Shifting from solid to spirit
Released from life to never come back