There is nothing quite like loneliness
To make you empty and cold
No greater pain than when your heart is ripped apart
By same hand you used to hold

A few weeks ago retained the delusion
You may return to me
Now that I've witnessed your calloused behavior
Allowed pain to set my broken heart free

I long to be happy again
About time mouth found a smile
Used to have joy
Where did it go?
Have not seen it around for awhile
I write my problems
Have faded to grey
Everything surrounding darker now
Universe in disarray
True creation from sadness
See beauty all around
Dive forward
Can't touch it
Faceplant into the ground
I cry
Love slips out of reach
Won't you come back home?
Happy ending crumbles to dust
Where I aimlessly roam
I want to travel someplace unscathed
The past behind my thoughts
Bottle up
Throw out to sea
All the 'could-haves' and 'did-nots'
Maybe the world would look vibrant once more
These holes in my heart would be filled
Sparkles might return to my eyes
Sorrows would fall off a cliff and be killed
I'm certain that will never happen
Wounds only get deeper
Weight I carry is too heavy
The hill I'm climbing grows steeper
I fear death will be only chance
To discover peace desperately craved
And pure tranquility
Wonder what else waits beyond the grave
I do not pray for divine intervention
There is nobody in control up above
Each are our own higher power
Feel our faith bound to love
So sigh and try to be patient
I am pretending to do well
A state of permanent limbo
Nobody can tell
Can keep up this act forever
Takes great effort to maintain
Composing careful facade
Slowly driving me insane
I know contentment possible to get
Need to figure out how
Came so easily before
Why can't I achieve bliss now?

I'm angry with you
I am sure you don't care
If these words were spoken I'd be wasting my air
My feelings not even an afterthought in your brain
You are too selfish to consider my pain

I suppose right and wrong are not black and white
Someone's dark is another's light
Villians inside each and every one of us
Across country and next to you on the bus
Cause spent so much time judging all imperfections
Fail to acknowledge our own flawed reflection
If re-evaluating our actions instead
Of criticizing peers and words that they said
Perhaps could improve our own state of mind
The emotional tendencies to which we are inclined
Escape box of expectations we foolishly inhabit
It's challenging because we are creatures of habit
Every person has been tainted by transgressions
So who are we to stigmatize surrounding indescretions?
Because all inflict suffering upon some heart
Nobody exempt from playing that part
We could not really abstain if we tried
No matter our decision
Leaves SOMEONE unsatisfied
The sooner we face truth and realize what we are
Sooner we can forgive who's responsible for our scar
It is impossible pleasing everybody all the time
We take turns being the victim then commiting crime
Besides
Good and evil defined differently among men
All behave like monsters now and then

Sunrise brings realization that you are really gone
Amidst the golden beams poured onto my lawn
Morning sky wide with opportunity blue
All I'm able to focus on is you
Taking time to change your mind
The veil of denial rendering me blind
You notice me when it's required
Games have made me so ******* tired
Rays of sunshine warmly fall onto my cheeks
Have not worn an authentic smile in over three weeks
The birds sing a cheerful serenade
Their musical voices to my ears all but fade
You block any memory remaining here
Would be happier if all trace of me disappeared
Will hear your compliments if there's something you need
Motives hidden between your lines aren't hard to read
Sunset floods fire
Room filled with a glow
Goodnight said to secrets you alone will only know
Footprints on my heart because you tread upon my chest
Stomping the vulnerable parts you once caressed
You do not observe scars you left on my skin
You're too selfish
Subconsciously rubbing it in
The space you once occupied is now vacant and cold
Chasm of darkness is all it seems to hold
Blackness comes creeping as the light goes down
Relieved night cloaks my visible frown
Swallowing earth but it sticks in my throat
When it does finally reach my stomach I bloat
Bites I choked down churn in my gut
Tempted to *****
I keep my mouth shut
And fill the gaps in your life with cheap connections
Lost
Fool yourself by picking random directions
I suspect eyes will not sparkle for long
You with someone else just has to be wrong
Reality is not black and white
In fact colors are brighter because I feel grey
Don't understand how you could lose my love and be okay

A girl used to inhabit the sky
Cried every day without fail
Until teardrops froze her to ice
And her shattered pieces fell like hail

I know I make you suffer because you remind me all the time
As if yelling words helps me over this mountain that I climb
For a moment why don't you put yourself in my shoes?
Sure if roles were reversed it'd be a different life you'd choose
I want you to be satisfied with me the way I am
And wish you could see that I actually do give a ****
I care about opinion more than you realize
Not able to escape the crushing disappointment in your eyes
Well at least you have made your point crystal clear
Cut ego down daily then have the nerve to say I'm wanted here
I would walk out
Have nowhere else to go
I get high yet somehow still feel just as low
My pillow wet from tears almost every night
Zero point in arguing because you believe you are always right
I wake every morning hating myself more
Isn't your fault but you escalate the war
Internal conflict my ever present curse
Battling with you only makes everything worse
Chasing unrealistic dreams like dog after their tail
Subconsciously aware I am doomed to fail
I wish for once you could take a chance and put some faith in me
Allow room to make mistakes even if you disagree
I know how you feel so there's no need to rub it in
Deragatory remarks remain etched into my skin
I hope someday I will find the strength to rise above
Conquer demons
Discover the parts of me you unconditionally love
Trust when I say I wish I was different just as much as you
It's not that easy to change simply because you want me to
I love you when you make me feel so very bad
And apologize for the countless times I have caused you to be sad
No matter what we go through you will forever be my mom
In the future we can both work on staying calm
I'd corrall moon and stars for you if I thought it would make your smile last
You can't enjoy the present when you're caught up in the past

They say it's mind over matter...

What do you do when you've already lost your mind?

I hate being depressed all the time
Only have myself to blame
Repeating mistakes over and over
They always end the same

I didn't want to give up on us
Thought I would stick with you through the worst
So you can fault me if you want
But you gave up on yourself first

It's the continuous silent yet pressing "tick-tock"
In my head heard though I own no clock
It's opening eyes every morning to familiar pain
And constant weight of loneliness driving me insane

I try to view as just a bump in the road
Wish silently the right way to be shown
I've been walking this path for so many years
Other directions seem to disappear
I sit and wait for opportunity's knock
It doesn't
Continue to walk..
Against wall my back is pressed
Is this destiny or simply a test?
I should be alarmed
The darkness closing in
It's nothing compared to the blackness within

I'm not pretty but that is what they say
Do not believe yet still I reply "okay"
I have cuts across my heart
Sorrow portrayed as a work of art
I'm always sleeping in late
Life lived in a foggy state
Dark circles rest on face
I've had plenty hours
In dreamland dancing barefoot picking flowers
Permanently bitter due to much neglect
Too far gone for innocence to ever ressurect
I'm too cynical to let anyone near
Not warm enough so people disappear
And I cannot fathom why anyone would stay
It's no surprise when good things slip away
I fake laughter to disuassade any concern
Joy is a blessing for which I desperately yearn
But in conversation I act like I am fine
Do very best not to reveal a single sign
I wear dark eyeliner to match my point of view  
Even black isn't quite enough to mimic the hue
Because insecurities constantly bring me down
Erasing smile then replacing with frown
I self isolate
I know deep inside
Loved ones would be better off if I died

Soon I will start healing
At least that's what I hope
It's what I tell myself each night
To ease my grief and help me cope

What a cruel reality
The lonely ditch I've dug
No words to describe the depth of my pain
No one to listen
Nobody to hug

A terrible lie resounds in my head
"It's all your fault "
A voice declares
A barrage of negative beliefs cavort
In a twisted game of musical chairs

Broken promise of forever
Remaining shards rest in my hands
Along with the fading traces
Of our once-unified plans

Imprisoned by sweet memories
Held captive in their embrace
Try to take a step forward
But my feet are frozen in place

Never have I felt so low
Crushed by overwhelming desire
Not understanding how attraction so strong
Could suddenly with no warning expire

I yearn for happiness I had
Before blue skies turned grey
Now the closest to joy I will get
Are those moments in my mind I replay

An awful truth I must accept
Is that you are never coming back
And since you left my heart has darkened
To an ugly shade of bluish-black

I fear my tomorrows will all be the same
In this tunnel I see no light at the end
It has been a whole year since goodbye
And these wounds haven't yet begun to mend

Set my soul free from misery
And the love to which it is bound
Maybe then I will uncover peace
That so far cannot be found

I am indecisive
Also insecure
Tentative
Too tender
Why?
Not sure
Alive in birthing of a new dawn
Voice of comfort I can no longer depend upon
I tremble in your presence like a motor purring
The night's stillness within evokes stirring
Ripple leaves with a single breath
I contemplate my inevitable death
Am awash in flood of bitter loneliness
Crave a connection but receive no caress
Like wilderness mind is hard to navigate
Like music memory where I go to escape
Like pulsing rivers thoughts rapidly flow
My veins flooded as they roam to and fro
Like wind's whistle heartbeat won't stop
Edges of words poke lungs till they pop
Sing sorrows in a pleasant melody
Grim lyrics harmonize in major key
Your fingertips left invisible prints on skin
Constant reminder that you always win
And though agony is difficult to take
Will bend but refuse to fully break

You're everything that is bad for me
Would resist if I could
Toxicity is easy to see
You make me feel so good

Not immune to exceptional charm
Infected
Love's disease
Knees wobble
Stomach churns
Like it's a stormy sea

Supposed to be secure
Why am I anything but?
Long to sever ties
Too strong to be cut

To and fro memories scamper
Throwing past in my face
Ten thousand pieces of happiness
I am unable to replace

I've seen the darker side of you
Yet also witnessed your best
There's no one else I'd rather cuddle
Or make me feel distressed

Want the heavenly highs
Without proportionate pain
That's just not how it works
Can't have rainbows without rain

Woke up with headache
How day usually starts
The pain within my cranium
Does not compare to my heart

As tide creeps slowly in
Hope slyly sneaks out
The list of things I'm not
All I seem to think about

My voice dropped an octave
Sound I've grown to hate
It's just another line
In list of unattractive traits

I might be an artist
Good with words I am told
The descriptions I paint aren't pretty
Because world has made me cold

Life getting exhausting
Fed up with each breath
Have no choice but to carry on
Only cowards escape through death

Faces wearing smiles pass
Deepening my frown
Others make it look easy
Depression keeps me down

Darkness spreading as disease
Throughout expanse of my soul
My body feels like it's swallowed
By bottomless black hole

Turning corner after corner
Never reaching the maze's end
I get more and more lost
In labyrinth with every bend

Not sure if poor judgement to blame
Or the culprit is destiny
Either way stuck as a prisoner
Of everything I will never be

Truth hard to bear
Weight is heavy to hold
Can freeze your body
Your blood running cold

Challenging accepting change
It's something we must do
To grow as person first you must
Let go the world you knew

It will never be easy
Worse than any other pain
Torturing yourself with the past
Will drive you insane

Breathe deeply
Close your eyes
Let regret float somewhere far
All of your mistakes
Made you who you are

You warm ice surrounding
Little more each day
The motions of your skilled hands
And sincere words you say

Are you sick of me?
My list of endless flaws
Holding me in such high regard
Deserve round of applause

Here at my worst
Still look at me the same
Knowing me before
Monster I became

Not judging the slightest
My less-than-pure lifestyle
Around you can be myself
You'll like me all the while

Just seeing handsome face
Brings smile to mine
Struggle with constant depression
In your presence fine

To make this last an eternity
Give up all I own
No words to describe excitement
When I see you messaged my phone

You give reason to wake up in the morning
Make me want to survive
Usually spend time just existing
With you I feel alive

But I know it is coming to an end
Forever wouldn't be long enough
Distance might make our hearts fonder
The absence sure will be tough

To put simply
"I'll miss you"
It's so much more than that
When you leave I'll lose a piece of me
Will be the place you are at

Live to the fullest
All you're meant to be
While you're out there succeeding
Try to not forget about me

I am grateful to have a brother like you
And hope you know I am proud of you too
You are growing up
Starting your own family
Sincerely amazed at the mature man I see
Time speeds by in blink of an eye
Has no wings yet still seems to fly
I'm happy you have found joy you were searching for
Deserve every single smile and so much more
Not sure how you ended up so great
In a world that is cruel and full of hate
No one else has a sibling quite like mine
No matter what don't lose that shine!
It always will be an honor to share your last name
Until heart stops I'll love you the same
Thanks for helping me in more ways than one
Appreciation won't ever be done
Lives have only just begun!

Hard to decipher how you feel
Admire your poker face
Cannot see past your blank expression
Make sure there is no trace

Work to match aloofness
You won't notice I care
Underneath my cautious mask
Gasping for air

Beats of heart pound in my ear
Blood rushes under my skin
Sounds so loud from my perspective
Swear noise fills room we're in

Talent is acting like past never happened
Wearing indifference like cheap cologne
How dare you sit there talking to me
As if friends is all we've ever known

I wonder where the hell I went wrong
Couldn't see till it was too late
Now I wander lost within walls of this labyrinth
A victim of inevitable fate

I was warned to be careful
But I threw caution aside
Desperate for peace of some sort
Problems eventually multiplied

Said it was only temporary
Till my resolve began to cave
And the ditch I had dug surely deepened
Until the hole became my grave

When the walls surrounding me
Got to such a threatening height
That they shut out rays from the sun
I adjusted to life without light

But I long to give one final attempt
To climb out from depths of this abyss
Laughter ringing in memories past
Is an artifact I wistfully miss

Every day my smile fades more
Realizing one of my greatest fears
That the longer I loiter in this low place
The more likely it will forever disappear