Today I openly admit that I am an addict.
I've been Addicted to the sensation and lost in the lullaby.
I've watched my potential dwindle thin.
I've had an overwhelming desire to get clean but no drive to begin.

I've cried my nights away in a withdrawal of sorts.
I've given up on everything except my last resort.

My vice is the most expensive out there.
What does a life cost?
What does a wasted life cost?

The regrets of yesterday catch you faster than you can sleep them away.
When apathy runs deep in your veins.
Pulling at my last straw - my last tall claim.

Today I turned my life around.
Not just another nudge for me to yo-yo.
I've derived a focus and approached my limit.

I'll sweat blood until I'm free of this apathy.
A victim of my actions in this endless tragedy.


My name's Jack and I'm an addict.

I meet the love of my life everyday. She's that girl I met at the shops; at the bar ordering a cocktail for three; on the street giving change to a homeless man. Last week I met her filling up that Diahatsu. It might as well have been a Lamborghini or a rocketship. None of it made sense but her.

She's nothing special wrapped inside everything I've ever dreamed of. She's the vision I catch a glimpse of when I imagine what it's like to be happy. The endless collapsing of short lived memories. Voids filling with the putty of a tender fantasy. If I could grab you and share my reality. If I could explain my mind in words that made me sound sane. If only that worked.

I'm a player, I'm the best.
I've played you, her and the rest.
That's what you thought.
I proved you wrong when I opened my chest.
You saw me with depth, an open heart.
You gave me yours.
It was open from the start.
A heart hurt too many times.
You told me you can't take another.
A heart held together with vines.
This was the tricky part.
The first time in my life.
I saw a future of treasure.
A glimpse of this lady, my wife.
I felt safe like I was where I needed to be.
I promised my self I'd do you no harm.
To cause you pain would be to cut off my own limb.
I've been waiting all my life to find someone worthy to commit my life to.
So I committed myself to you and you threw me away.
You told me honestly what you wanted and needed.
I gave it to you and more.
But you were after what you had before.
Cling to him with guilt.
Cling to him till you rott.
Cling to him lifelessly.
Cling to him lovelessly.
Cling to him endlessly.
Until one day it all falls apart.
You've proven untrustworthy.
You've proven betrayal.
You've proven sly words.
You've used tears to get your way.
You've promoted falses so fake.
Gemini construct you might break.
You've cheated.
Me, him and your self from happiness.

If only for tonight,
We'll kiss like lovers.
If only for tonight,
Meet me under the covers.

A kiss full of lustful love.
Lighting fire within my depths.
Like the sun from above.
A kiss with demanding eyes.
Pressing up against you.
From between your thighs.

If it's only for tonight.
Don't be fooled by these eyes.
Passionate more than you can handle.
The next kiss could be your demise.

If you want me for tonight.
Hold me like I'll never leave.
Nail marks down my back.
Together we'll both believe.

That this wasn't one crude mishap.
But a twist of fate.
Preposterously perfect perhaps...
Just for tonight.

My mother you've got value.
More than you know.
My mother you've got strength.
If only that tight grip you'd let go.
My mother you're beautiful.
Like the evening sun.
My mother you've done everything.
It was all you - one.
My mother take it easy we are grown.
kick back and step down from the throne.
My mother you've made this family flourish.
Now watch and put in what you need to nourish.
My mother you worry.
Too much about future and past.
My mother you've done all you can.
We'll not put you last.
My mother we love you.
In our hearts all of the days.
My mother we need you.
All in our own ways.
My mother I wish you happiness
I can't bear to see you sad.
My mother I wish you tranquility.
In life its not worth being mad.
My mother I wish you happy birthday.
I wish you all I can.
My mother you're our everything
A big love from your youngest man.

You say you don't want to do this anymore.

What you don't know.

Is I don't want this either.
I don't want this empty one sided love.
When what we had felt like so much more.
This constant ***** of feelings I'm fighting against.
I'm all in, been that way for a while now.
Even though you're already half gone.
I've been trying to pull you back in.

Over the egg shells and broken glass
I wont give up just because you push hard.
We always hurt the person closest.
I don't blame you for that!
Just need to remind you.
Why I'm here, Why I love you.

I pulled away hard and cold.
I gave up - I'd never been pushed that hard.
You said you felt it like you never thought you would.
Felt me slipping from your life for real.
Hurt like you never thought you could be.

All that time spent gone in an instant.
All the good moments, the tears and the love.
The closeness you don't get from anyone else.
Everything you thought didn't matter...

I don't know what you felt deep-down inside.
But you couldn't stand me walking out of your life.
Now we're still in this, keeping it going for now.

I know there was love here.
Strong and bonded
I know we could find that again.
I don't know where it evaporated to.
Sometimes I don't have a ******* clue

Where we're going, what we're doing.
Or what its all for.
I know I wont let it slip my grip.
I won't be the one to let it all drop.
I'll try more than anyone who ever sat here before.

I just struggle with this sometimes.
Just find myself sitting there
staring at the wall for hours on end.
I don't get **** done - just have you on my mind.
It drives me crazy coz its not me.

Envious, jealous feelings I don't usually elevate to the surface.
Cool, calm and collected I don't know myself anymore.
I don't like myself right now.
Weak, ugly and dependent.
I don't want to be that way... always and forever.

Just stick it out for a moment longer.
Let me find myself in the anxiety;
the emotional dependency;
the depression and the desperation.

I'll be the man you'd love once more.

What's the right way to say I'm emotionally unavailable.
You can't have them because they only swim in my ink.
Like a flurry of scribbled words on the back of my napkin.
All the love and pain right there.
"I need you back".

There is a realization to be had when you come to miss the feeling more than the person. When it was never about the person to begin with.

If it wasn't the person... How do I find it again?

I always fell in love too hard too fast.
I guess I let it flood out and now I've got no reserves.

I can't even force it long enough to imagine you next to me. "I don't love you."

Will I even recognize it when Its at my doorstep again.

You always hear of those people who say they are broken and think, how could you be? It's not until you find the shattered peieces hiding behind the door that you see how it really is.

I wish there was a human handbook to repair a heart. DIY heart repair.

I seem to win hearts.. But all I end up doing is resending the prize.

Don't stop tying right? I wonder how many battle fields I'll wander today...

Thick as thieves and red handed I'm one of them.
I'll hang for this surely.
For what I stole, so monumentally precious.
I couldn't stop myself like temptation was all I am.

The river runs with tender elegance.
But not like yours.
The candle flames burn with scorching warmth.
But not like yours.
A thousand roses flower in an endless beauty.
But not like yours.
The lilies with their careful scent consumes me with hope.
But not like yours.

They call me a thief.
How can that be, when you stole my heart.
Pulling all the right strings from the very very start.
I'll hang for this I know it.
I'll take my punishment with pride.
For what I stole...
A precious fleeting moment.
One I do not wish to hide.

How do I anticipate a love like ours.
When you've become my morning sunshine.
And you've molded my desire irrevocably.
How do you spread me so thin and build me up all at once?
How do you see the pauses between my heart beat and know what it needs before I?
If the essence of life is to love and be loved. Then perhaps we are rewriting it from the beginning in our own image.
You are somewhere beyond the limits of extraordinary.
That place just before your smile becomes a laugh.

How do you describe and appreciate something that can't be measured only observed.

In our cataclysm of hearts.

I've put away my starry eyed gaze
Which always got me into trouble.
Losing all touch to the depths of my soul.
Stars only appear under the Hubble.


It was necessary to let you go.
But I unwound all the string,
like a kitten too eager.
I've had love and pain.
And now I have neither.

I wrote a perfect poem once. I scribbled it down on the back of a half used napkin. It wasn't short and is wasn't long. The lipstick laced food marks couldn't taint what was already perfect. There was no love and no sadness in the words. It embodied only emptiness - it's most pure form. Nothing left wanting, no thirst unquenched.

In a moment of clear sight, I knew only the right words were forming. In that moment the half empty bar around me sunk, drowned, imploded and combusted - for all I cared. I had just written a masterpiece.

Every morning I want to wake with you on my mind. But more than that I want to roll over and see you with my eyes.

That moment when you know your that person's everything. The moment you catch a flicker in their eye lids. Your her everything when she expects you to be right where you are. When coming out of a dream and seeing your face doesn't feel as though the dream has ended. A new dream begins.

That's how you make me feel every morning when you wake me up. With the silly noises you make in my ear. I pretend I don't hear them - just to enjoy the moment a fraction longer before moving on to the next. If I could savour any moment more than another.

I'd want to wake up with you - forever.

I am really silly though.
I should have been in bed hours ago.
My studies are lacking.
My focus is cracking.
And now, bad grades are beginning to show.

S-nuffed from life too early
Q-uiet almost a kick now
U-nborn beauty
I-solated and alone
S-o numb to you now
H-ate so deep and out of control
Y-ou're all I lived for

I'm sorry I wish I was there to protect you from it all. I wish we had known each other in another time. I wish I were your first love there would be less pieces to find. I wish the person I see now was the person I met. I wish you were even looking my way. Just to see your face once more. I used to see you without the pain, light and full of hope. You hid it well but it always seeped through the cracks. Maternal pain - not lost but taken. How I wish I could understand. How I wish that even mattered.

Infinitely branded beaten and betrothed. Infinitely Lingering loved and lothed.

Infinitely beautiful staring into those eyes. Now more than ever Ive seen it without disguise.
Infinitely taken back. My maze of thoughts. Swimming to a swirl.
My inky sorrow to match your liner.
Eyes of pain and beauty the way you've drawn them.
Did you do this just for me.
Knowing that I will see.
A deadly stare, one that grips me tight.
Impossible to let her go
this struggle is in-fin-ite.
Infinitely distant, how did you get so high.
Up there with poise where only birds can fly.
I've enjoyed this tease. This view of couple.
Two strands of hair that play in your face.
They look like imperfection but to me it's been pure grace.

This is hard this really never was the plan.
Now you're Infinitely lost in another man.

All day long I live out of body.
Just seeing flashes of a life worth living.
I see a woman I don't recognize.
But my gosh she's worth loving.

When I see you undress,
I could swear it's the first time.
When you kiss me goodbye that feeling in my chest,
knows you'll be right back.
The things we share are far beyond the physical.
We live together at the opposite end of superficial.

I spend my whole day searching for you with the scent you left on my collar.
Knowing you'll be back is never enough I need you now.
I thought I found you once.
But it was the wrong face right name.
Why does my life feel like someone elses game?

Will I ever find you when I bridge two planes.
I could exist on another plane entirely.
The way I look at you like your out of this world.

I am sure of it now.
That I'm the least sure of everything,
That I've ever been.

And if I close my eyes tight.
It won't change the fact that
I'll sit here until I turn green.

I've been in a depressing daze.
Rebooting a flattened soul.
Looking for comfort in all types of ways.

My mind was a maze as it were.
Now it's been blended.
And there seems to be no cure.

I am now sure!
Of a vortex inside
And nothing more.

Through the spitting flames that line my soul, I see a fragment of myself that harbors murderous intent. A hostile takeover to strip me of my weakness. Like an illness to the passion of life. This fragment wants to be in control. I want it to take over and propel me forward with ambition. But it hasn't. Does that mean there is another image in the flames? The one in control, if not me.

I collapse under your presence.
Floating and drowning in one place.
Burning on the inside.
Trying to save face.

Pushing planets off axis.
Just to be close to you all year round.
With the midnight stars I'll write you.
A love letter.
So you can feel what I do now.

An imploding force.
Makes me want to cry and laugh.
Smile and despair.
You see it hurts to try and wrap my head
Around just how special you are.  

I found a best friend in you.
Seeing limitless things we could do.
I feel another string of endless smiles coming on.
You're special, and you cant tell me I'm wrong.

I've been outside before.
And never thought much more.
Tonight it's perfect out.
I sat on the deck beer in hand.
Out here on my chest.
your head used to land.

My dog he's cute he's quite the treat.
But the absense of you is apparently sweet.
Not at all Ive just lied.
Im miserable deep down.
Not at all if i just died.

For she used to sit just in this spot.
Peaceful and perfect.
How is it that I could have forgot.

Through the glass my memories perspective.
I was on the inside...
I thought I had all the time in the world.
I should have been more bold.

Ironic and melancholy my thoughts betray.
Right here where she were.
For now here I'll stay.

You disappoint me in so many ways.
So far from everything I ever wanted.
How is it you come to me like candy.
Unwrapped you're only rotten fruit.  
I must be a predictable person.  
Stable and empathetic.
Those around me up and down.  
Vindictive and petty.
All I see are the better option if I were they.
Simple like turn left or turn right.  
Why do people act this way.
And underestimate a valuable connection.
I am valuable.  
I treat you with love and compassion.
Raw and sensitively.
Like the liquid gold flowing through the earthly depths.  
Supporting your every move and fault.
But now you show disinterest and disdain.
I lived for your smile.  
And you bring me pain.  

Many will never appreciate my value.

In front of the altar to a new life.  
A tear drops in this perfect petal storm.
Holding my hands tight.
You glisten ever brighter - I've been reborn.

You are so exquisite - beyond imagination.
I didn't think this day would ever come.
That day we'd be together forever.
My only one.

Whispering vows into the cedar hallows.
The broken petals fall from the trees of old.
Lining a sacred future forward.
Our sea of gold.

On our first date I'm gonna sit on my phone.
Appear uninterested.
Keep asking you to "repeat that".
When you try and get my attention I'll laugh emphatically at something on my phone and show it to you.
Because I'm Gen Y and I don't have a ******* clue.

I was taught
To show affection when it suits me.
To show love when it's manipulative.
And always to keep you down so it feels like I'm floating.
Because I never want to remember how it feels to sink.

Y I don't identify with Gen Y.

I've got a devilish need.
That's only satiated by the planet's greed.
Power, real estate and money!
I need them all in a hurry.

I'll **** pillage and sully.
Any mans good fortune for my own.
You won't have any power.
Even when you're full grown.

Because I won the police.
In a poker match among the Rockefeller.
I've taken independence and authority.
Given it a sweet facade.

You'll love the news,
Even you'll be glued.
Stay stunned and stationary.
As we read disingenuously, your obituary.

It used to be a need like addiction.
Broken creeping open at the seams.
One person one relentless affliction.

You've been my remedy.
Ointment to my pains.
Soothing the carcinogens in my veins.

Its taken time countless characters.
You've weeded out the unwanted.
Fear and weakness thwarted.

A love incomparably intense.
My perspective now shifted.
Like a viscous veil you lifted.

Building on what's left of me.
You are no longer my necessity

What do you write about when you don't quite feel broken.
**** ****, lost my only inspiration.
I can't write for **** when it's not painful and emptying.
Without the feelings of love and sorrow.
These words aren't **** just hollow.

I know I feel lonely these days.
I start to write about it but look.
I get to the end of 3 verses and feel like a crook.

It was meant to be something but it twisted into nothing.
Kinda like this garbage.
Guess that's why they call it art right.
Its ugly and pointless but someone will find inspiration in my emptiness.

I know that's a long shot.
But if its justification I need.
It's all I've got.

I barely know you.
I wish I knew you more.
Watching every which way you grew.
Up from nothing never going back to where we were before.
Protective of the things to which you care.
It's funny how that works.
Because those are the things that we now share.
A brothers love you've never known.
I'm sure you know now.
You don't ever have to endure it all alone.
Family is a tricky word.
It might not mean much.
But you're part of ours now.
Of this little bit you did touch.
Keep finding Your path
And I'll find my own.
I'm sure we'll meet up again.
In a place we both call home.

I've awoken now.
Quite down little birds.
My mind muddied and blurred.
Where am I now and how..
Did I get here?
Rusty, still turning on like that old junker that'd never start first time.
Memories mysty drips and drabs of last night.
Unshaven from days ago.
Dirt and blood laced aftershave.
Was it one night or a week, maybe they blended together.
The nights are the worst they always bring the day.
Recoil finding myself all over again.
It's Thursday.

This isn't me i didn't write this.
It doesn't explain at all how i feel.
Poem's left unresolved.
They're all unfinished.
I've finished a poem before.
Felt it was all.
All i could possibly scrawl.
My own scribbles I've read and read.
The best of them.
My dog doesn't deserve to be fed.
But inside unjust and locked tight.
Iron and steel with coarse cage.
My true feelings will never take main stage.
I've told many stories. Some true and false.
I've never told this story.
It's close to my own pulse
Come here touch my chest
Words do no justice
Let me put this one to rest.

I do things and I say things.
I'm far from perfect.
Its clear I care about you.
Because this jealous rage isn't easy.
To hold onto the handles and say the right words.

I went and did it again.
I always do it again.
I don't know why you forgive me.
The way you do.
I just hope you can once more.
I'm trying to do better, to be better.

You'll always be the sun shining through my clouds.
One day I won't just be the bad weather.

I'm awake for the moment.
Lingering into forever.

I'm over tired - but in this state I'm wired.
Energy surging - unatural vigor.
Naturally extracted and abused.
This stuff it calls me and begs.
Not to be refused.

Take a shot maybe two.
Open your eyes wide.
Keep them there just like glue.
Bring you to the early hours.
Daybreak and no sleep.
No off button to the mind.
It always ends crashing in a big heap.

Coffee how you affect me.

Eyes like an open window.
Beauty like stained glass.

I look into your eyes
They long to tell me truths.
But your lips only spill a sly ruse.

Stolen in a moment of encapsulation.
Innocent for the entire duration.

Trust running down your face.
Eye liner that can't be undone.
Murky distaste what happened to all that grace.

Telling the truth can be tough.
Everything you are just isn't enough.