I grew up doing ballet. I was one of the thinnest, most flexible, and dedicated ones at my dance studio. I got solo’s, and usually pretty main parts in the shows. I wore a flat tutu for most parts.
Fast forward, I graduated high school and received a dance/academic scholarship to a university.
Let’s just say that I gained the freshman 15, more like 25 actually. I hated myself. Absolutely hated everything about myself. It spiraled into a dark depression, I had been depressed before..but not like this. I couldn’t get out of it.
The summer before sophomore year (this year) I decided that I didn’t give a shit. I gained more weight and hated myself more. I ended up attempting suicide stuck in the hospital for a week.
Three weeks after I was released from the hospital I came back to the university.
I am on the dance company, fat as ever. Dance is what keeps me going most days.
Today I had to watch two girls on my company, who weren’t formally trained in ballet, get to try on their tutu’s for the show.
I wasn’t picked for the part, because I am too heavy to partner with.
I almost started to cry.
Because that could be me wearing that tutu if I got my fat ass in shape and lost some weight.
So I am losing weight for ballet.
Maybe it’s not healthy, maybe it is stupid. But I will become a better version of myself no matter what it takes.
Just you wait and see.
for all your dreams
life dreams that bring fear, butterflies and adrenaline in you like nightmares
life dreams that will never sleep until life itself is at rest
life dreams that you pray about
- to god -
before you go to bed
life dreams that you spend endless nights
-polishing and amending until your eyes shut -
the life dreams that you stay awake and are alive for:
i wish you
Can you remember the first time you had ice cream?
As a young child, you were so excited.
Your cute face lit up and your little lungs wanted to scream.
Or when your Father held you high in the skies?
Turned you into a plane.
Not a care in the world to be found in those adorable eyes.
Those times where you held your puppy when you cried.
The first time you were wronged...
How it broke your little heart deep down inside.
Every time I look into those beautiful eyes, that's what I see,
All the pain is silenced,
and I see what life could truly be.
I know I've hurt you before when the thoughts would begin...
But without you, I am truly broken...
For I am nothing more than a Man filled with Sin.
But I did not cast the first stone,
All this time without you,
I've been searching for a way to atone.
I miss you, I'm just a lost boy...
Misguided and hated,
tossed aside by many like an unwanted toy.
And I don't want to lose you,
what else could I live for?
People we care for come in so few...
So here I kneel, down on one knee,
Faithfully yours now and forever,
I'm just a Pawn... Whose fallen for the Queen.
Working during daylight
Studying late night
Away from home
Makes me feel alone
Black circles under my eyes
Doing my best not to cry
There are times I almost gave up
There are times I wished I could go back
But the wind always whispers something
"You've come too far, you're almost there"
A flicker of smile
My hope didn't die
The best things in life are never easy.
From love to happiness to even teaching your goals.
It's a struggle it's a battle
It test the will it finds out how hungry you are.
From school to love to even simple goals
Life is a challenge
Life is a bittersweet candy.
Bitter in the beginning but always a sweet feeling at the end just my
Honest confession from the heart
Heartbroken as I may be,
there's so much of the world to see.
I can't go down by my feeling's foe.
I've never been able to stoop so low.
I looked for a chance,
whatever I can get.
Could see from my stance,
falling, I would never let.
I came as high as I could
The same height a bird would.
I love where I am right now.
All of the downers should just bow.
“I want to live for myself.”
And you guessed it right.
This was me, before I met you.
Always wanting to be busy
To avoid all kinds of thoughts
That could devour me at night
Swallowing every bit of what I deemed right
And not knowing how to keep everything in sight.
I start my day with the usual waking up routine
Eyes opened at 5:15 to take a cold bath
Wanting to wake myself up. Or was I really awake?
For goodness’ sake, I had no idea
What was going on in my head
Keeping myself always on the edge
This was me, before I met you.
“Never will I meet someone
Who won’t get me hurt.”
And on and on and on it goes
With my mind, slowly killing
My deepest sense of who I really am.
What am I to myself
When all I could see
Is not being the person
In the mirror of my soul?
But, on that day,
It was different for me.
You were with an old friend
Reality was bent, for I had the chance
The opportunity of a lifetime
To meet that girl
Who only gave me one word answers
An awkward and shy person
Who happened to be a dancer.
This is the start of a new friendship.
Fast forward to next week
The month of November
So full of surprises
My friend gave me a pass
To a debut and alas, you were there too.
Didn’t have any intentions to pursue
But why was my attention always directed to you?
I attempted to relay my emotion through the phone call of the
Devotion that my old friend had for you, but
Looks like my world developed a deeper sense of purpose.
This was me after meeting you.
Another week has passed and a blockmate wrote me on the guest list.
The night was going well
A person enters the room
The room remained dark, but my world was shone a show of light.
Two stars aligned and in between, was your nose.
I couldn’t believe it. Why was I feeling this way?
At the end of the day, I couldn’t listen to the ways of my
Heart. It’s because you had a heart
For someone else.
But, “the heart has its own reasons that reason cannot understand.”
Why did Blaise Pascal have to word it so beautifully?
And to top it all off, why’d you have to be so beautiful?
I was about to go home alone, when you offered me a ride.
Initially, I waved a goodbye, but you wouldn’t let me slide
This opportunity to get to know you more.
So, you brought me home and before you dropped me off,
With those sleepy eyes accompanied by the soft soothing sound of your voice, you said,
And in that moment,
I knew I was in love with you.
This is now me and will always be me
Because there is no day in my life now
That I am not changed
And it is only everyday in my world that
My love grows for you.
I will never say NO
Instead, I'll tell you to wait my child.
Today I pray that you'll give me the patience to wait
I may not know your plans for me, but in your will I trust
I believe in your perfect timing
I believe that everything happens for a reason
I believe and trust in You
Please cast all my doubts, help me believe and trust in myself too
I'll leave everything to You
handle with patience,
Hear your heart beat, ,
then man up your stations,
this is a time
of growing sensations,
With your minds eyes design.
What do you find?
In the depths of your dark side,
The confusion of the fog,
The mirrors reflecting what you think you once saw,
Mustn't be afraid,
there's power in the wisdom,
our egos locked away,
Eyes that see through the lies,
Ears that hear no cries,
people that come to realize
We are more powerful than my poem could ever describe.