If only I could make you feel the pain that you cause me to feel.
Do you not understand that your screams make me feel ill?
I hate that we have no real relationship,
and that you treat me like a slave.

I'm at the point where I want to run away.
It's not like you'd take action after anyways.
You'd probably enjoy the attention you'd recieve,
Take me for granted.. won't you please?

Not only do I feel alone right now,
The people who said they'd be there are finaly slipping out.
That's probably my fault though,
I trusted them too much.

Complaint after complaint.
I shouldn't have told them so much.
I guess that shows to prove that it's really just you in the end.
I've begun to vent here.

It's as if words and rhymes are my only friends.

Are my eyes just fooling me again
Or is my time Finaly up
Is this a siege on my own head
Or revenge from far and wide  
It seems so clear
But yet so far
The panic setting in
I was warned
But not enough
This is the time for fear

And as I stare below me
Crown tilted low upon my head
I could swear the forest's walking
Full of loathing, life and hate  

It's pace is quickly speeding up approaching  Dunsinane
Now what to do with my own throne
The battles lost
The battles won  

And The branches click and whisper
As I look down In fear  
But what choice do I have now
These woods will make the end

He fought, he raged through that dark, dark, night.
They fled before his fiury, his crimsom rage,
He searched ad searched, to find who made him feel, like he was in a cage.
He walked back amd forth, yet found not him,
Then he finaly realized, on that cold, bitter night, that the Enemy was not outside, but inside.

here i sit, qlone and broken,
finaly my eyes are wide open,
it seems that i've been living in a dream.
my worst nightmare has come true.
the gleam in your eye is not for me,
but the destain in mine is for you.

you who con damsils in distress
with your fast talking lies, and your puppy dog eyes.
you, souless animal, monster in my disguise,
you are the one, i will forever despise.

as long as my heart goes on beating,
i will never open the doors for you,
i gave that key to somebody new,
after you toar my heart in two.

somebody amazing, who loves me,
cause i saw the light, you're nowher near a dark knight.
just an imposter, with a heart cold dark and ugly.

cinderella layed in a dark and cold prison. awaiting her husband, her tormentor, and her captures return, tears rapidly falling down her rosie red cheeks as she looked at her broken arm. ¨
why would you run away from me like that? now look at you... your arm is broken.¨ she remembered him shouting. ¨you're pathetic.¨ staring at the rusty bars she began to feel hopeless. on the outside she had been silently broken but on the inside she felt as if she were screaming. screaming from the pain, screaming from the betrayal and deceit. screaming because what she had believed to be her dream come true had become nothing but a complete and absolute nightmare. screaming because she had fallen in love with a fairytale. a lie, a predator, a munipulator, a monster. how could i let myself fall in love with someone so incredibly evil? she thought. maybe i wanted to believe in him. maybe i felt as if i needed too. to believe in someone or something. to be rescued. i think that he sinced that  about me. that i wanted to be saved by someone or something so he descised himself as my savior.. and i believed in him. and now here i am. maybe he was right, maybe i was pathetic and naive. maybe i just hoped that i had finaly found what i had been waiting so long for and that all of my years of crushing lonliness and longing for something more had finaly been over. but it was all a lie. and now im going to have to find a way to save myself.

-PROLOG-
                



               A whooshof air playing with a tender long brown hair, a wave of flips of curly hair. AS the sun sets in the mountains of Colorado with a misty glow on the pure crystal snow. As I glaze in the beauty, I turned around in a grunted sigh and walk to my bran new house in the middle of no where. I said walking back to house with my family "why did my **** step-dad have to bring us here in this dump, pssh I hate him so much!!" with my flench curled up and my knuckles turning white, teeth clenching, kicking rocks to take all my anger on. Crossing down by the bank of mystical waterfall that held frozen and was a piece of art to any who hates water still would make it beautiful. Passing by with full rage of anger reaching my sister with a graden rose dress, black sandles to surrounds her newely fresh scab formed on her righ knee, but with a smile thats lights up this dull place. Man that girl can always cheer me up even im ****** at the world i could never be mad at my sister i thought whiled walking slowing down a wave a brushy grass that any person or animal could fall on....before my sister could reach me in a small peice of my eye caught something it was a man in black clothing sticking his hand out saing "rachel." pause "rachel come... come..." and slowly dissapeared. As I stood in shock my body froze in fear it felt a trap of death and slowl everthing went black out all i could hear were faint screams of my sister before it blocked out for good. " Sister!!! Wake up!! MOM!!!! DAD!!!!!!! COME HERE!!!!!" Jennifer said with crystal water tears holding my hand trying to wake me up but failed to. "Honey did you hear something?" my mother tilted her head while she unpacked the car. " What were you saying teresa i could not hearyou i was getting everthing settled in thehouse but thenyou called me so what i-" richered got cut by a bloddy screem in the near distance in the woods. "MOMMY!!!! FATHER!!!!" the both parents look in shock and dropped every thing and dashed out the front lawn. "mommy.....father...where are you..."jenniferjust cried there hopeless while I laid there in silence. "Oh my god Jennifer are you alright what were screaming about" mother said worry in her eye while killing Jeniffer with a big bear hug. " What in gods name made you scream like that" Richered said frowning and getting with a cocky attituded. Jennifer ploted out mother's strong arms and raced down to me where I still laid dead silence. " what the hell, where is she going... holy sh-" my mother was about to scream like akiller was after but she calm her self and went to jennifer's side and was nearly about to cry. " Don't worry teresa she's breathing so thats a good thing lets take her to the doctors before anything else happens and jennifer could you explianed what happened to your big sis please it would help alot." Richered said begging for help. "umm well she was going down this hill then she froze in fear as she saw something bad then the next thing pwoof going down twumbling and she went blank" Jeniffer said looking in her eyes with very much concern.
                     with about a three hour car to doctors the family of four came rushhing for help "excuse me ma'ma can you help me...im in a diffuclt spot please helpmy daughter in law" Richered said with a firery pumped up voice. " Yes sir whats the problem" the young blond teen siad as typing on the computer to comform the document to acces the doctor. " My daughter she fainted and wont wake up and its been over 4 hours can you please help her" Richered said sheepishly as finder his wife and her younger child right behind him and my mom carring me. "Ok sir just put her on hospital bed room 34 please and you may visit her after the docotor comes to see her but for now just wait here in the wiaitng room. about an hour passed the docotor who was taking care of me came in the room saying " Mr. and Mrs. randof may you come with me." he said with a demading tone. "Yes sir may my daughter come to?" mother said trying not to show fear in her voice "of corse" he said while letting the family through the back door then the hallway that leads to my room. " she up but we dont know what happened...so we need to go to the hospital to checked up by more higher professionals." the doctor eyed my in like what in the world happened. There was an akwarad silence until my step dad intruded that peace and manage to say " w-well ok and now Rachel would you care to explian what happed to you" Richered said while to strengthen his tone back. " yes..." I paused to re-gain my memory " So I took a walk and walked back to house but i passed the frozen lake that froms like a waterfallbut its frozen so i saw Jennifer and i was  about t call her name but then i saw a person in a black robe sticking his hand out liketrying to grab me it kept on sayin Rachel..Rachel come come and when i turned completely it was gone completely like if it were a ghost and then i felt a horror shock come over my body and could the world turning black then only hearing Jennifer's faint screams of concern and down I fainted then went to silence...." I finaly said with lifting my head slowly and with a greck bolt in my eyes I looked right behind them there was again. With seeing it again it turn pale with tearns rolling down my eyes like waterfalls and hushed to cold knock out.

paranoid chapter 1


Charlottes p.o.v

i cry until im sick, coughing and short of breath. i cry hysterically. i feel like i have been hit in the chest with a stray bullet. and i dont look up until i can't feel him there anymore. eventhough i know deep inside that the illousion of charlie will come back, it always comes back... nomatter where i am. busses, street corners, asylums. mom and dad think that if we move far away that everything will change. that i'll stop seeing charlie. that i'll be 'miraculously cured'. that they'l finaly have there daughter back. and that they will finaly be able to move on, and stop grieving the loss of their only son. i don't blame them, everything in the old house reminds me of charlie, too. but i know that when we move that nothing will change, that theres no hope for me, that i'm just as dead as he is. but thats not what hurts the most. what hurts the most is knowing that i'm going to let them down, and destroy any little bit of hope that they might have had for me. i am nothing but a burden. and there is nothing that i can do about it. i cry until im tired, and i slip into a deep sleep.

Exhausted

The Heavy Bronze Doors
Are Loudly Closing Down
Fading Away The Darkness
Which Was Giving Me Warmth

But I Do Not Care Anymore

I can Hear The Silence
Pounding In My Ears
Reminding Me The Fool I Was
To Have Ever Trusted

But I Do Not Care Anymore

I can Feel The Bite
Of The Words From The Cold
Even Bitter Than The Harshest
As Never Appearing

But I Do Not Care Anymore

I can Fell The Loneliness
Echoing From Within
Where The Hope Resided
Which Left Me Wounded

But I Do Not Care Anymore

Time Has Finally Reached
Tearing Apart The Intemporal
Finaly Exorting From Me
The Last Tear I Was Cherishing

But I Do Not Care Anymore

To Much I Have Cared For Emptyness
To Many Times I Have Shouted in the Void
To Many Times I Dreamed For Despair
To Much I Have Loved For Destruction

But I Do Not Care Anymore

I Am Just Exhausted
This Life is Just the One To Much
The One Which Will Finally Destroy
What Was Created To Ever Last

But I Do Not Care Anymore

I Just Want To Sleep
Silencing The Howls In Me
Forget The Ever Suffering
Close The Heart To Pain

But I Do Not Care Anymore

I Just Lay Down
Desire Of Peace
Begging For Relief
Praying For Retribution

But I Do Not Care Anymore

For I See Her Coming
Her Dark Wings Extanded
For Me She Is Crying
As She Was Not Meant To Kiss Me

Death

Warlock

some would call it a profanity - from the islands of northern Europe i liked the Scots the most, in my first year at Edinburgh Scottish weather played a joke, i don't remember a single gloomy day - i do remember not sleeping one night, and trekking up Arthur's Seat to watch the sunrise, then climbing down, buying Kellogg's cornflakes and full-fat milk and eating them - that magic moment just between daytime fully sets in - it's so fresh, a reality proof, just before the mundane job applicants get up, you get a sense of what's truly taken for granted in society - it only lasts for a few minutes - before the commuters' nagging sets in, and everything fresh (awaiting the new dawn) becomes custard thick - sticky, sickly honey glue pungent... anyway... i'm making a grand profanity at the moment: tier 1 - whiskey and ice, tier oblivion - whiskey and coca cola... but what i'm drinking is like a virus immune to antibiotics, no amount of citrus barley caramel can mask the smoked salmon with a tinge of variously fruity accents can mask it... Glen Moray, single malt, an Elgin Classic - it is a profanity, i agree - i should drink whiskey like mulled wine - but i'm in a hurry for a mindset, and i'm not bothered that much about passing down aesthetics - my palette says otherwise. yeah, my love for Scotland came from climbing up a ladder in the English hierarchy at school - everyone wanted to be taught by Mr. Thomas Boonce - aged 15 went into B1 (or however they noted the selection process) - aged 16 on top of my game, A1 class - a blazing comet trail of ambition, shared the same desk with my enemy shoulder-to-shoulder, the one who promised me a south american plant would give me grand hallucinations, ****** the mother of my ******* son and wa-lah! elephant trunk pulled from a top hat playing jazz - that Jesus bit about loving your enemies? esp. if they're your childhood friends and are **** crazy? you don't love them, your heart turns to stone and it says skipping on lake: what a shame... so much potential in him wasted on jealousy, the way he trusted a woman that is now on some sort of psychiatric medication... i can't love enemies, what i can do is feel sorry for a waste of human potential... (knock on chest)... yep, this ol' ticker is solid stone... and sooner or later it will be added to a mountain i'm constructing in my mind.

thank god for rabbinical literature -
i could pour days over these pages - i literally open a book,
a compilation of entries -
why hasn't anyone noticed the genius of written Hebraic?
i know in the middle east is a wasp nest of harking and
memorable achoo - or quasi (~, literary denotation,
thereabouts, so so, kinda, well, approximate too,
hand gesture in that symbol, good-in-bad-bad-in-good) -
just now i was admiring the fact that Hebraic hides vowels -
truly, they hide them, ingenious buggers -
all the vowels in Hebraic are hidden -
in translation to Latin the Hebrews treat vowels
like post-Latin users of the original S.P.Q.R. alphabet
use diacritical marks - and newspaper Hebraic doesn't
include them in print, only: i suppose in poetry and
rabbinical writings are they exposed -
which stems largely from what is cordoned off -
or rather the fruits of the work of encapsulation -
Latin is slightly biased, no letter is truly encapsulated,
shut-off from another - aye, be, cee, dee, ee, ef, hay'tch (
a distinction), em, en, ***... zed (an exception), ex, you
get the idea - there are no nouns in the post-Latin
alphabet as such - which is why in science Greek letters
were used as constants - these consonant constants
encapsulated not only the phonetic content of a symbol,
but also allowed for an encapsulation of some higher
purpose - e.g. α (angular acceleration) -
β (sound intensity) - γ (gamma rays) - δ (heat in chemistry,
the perfect error, the Laplace operator, etc.) -
ε (set theory, the limit ordinal of the sequence -
    html disapproval to be written as: ω (tier squared ω,
    and one above the squared tier ω, ω root ω double root ω -
    variant alias of this? Hebraic notation of u .
                                                               ­                   .
                                                               ­                      .
     *shurek) - Θ (Debye notation) - θ (potential temp. in
thermal dynamics) - ι (orbital inclination in celestial mechanics) -
κ (curvature) - Λ (lattice) - λ (decay constant in radioactivity) -
μ (micron, SI prefix, one millionth) - ν (a neutrino) -
ξ (a random variable) - π (too obvious, πr squared) -
ρ (correlation coefficient in statistics) - Σ (summation operator) -
σ (area density) - τ (torque) - φ (the golden ratio, 1.618...) -
ψ (the cat in a box, wave function, quantum mechanics) -
ω (the infinite ordinal);
                                         it's precisely because the Greeks to
encapsulate their phonetic symbols that so much stability
was brought up - look how poverty stricken the Latin variations
are - these are not merely letters, they are actually nouns!
you can recite the whole Greek alphabet a bit like going
to a party and being introduced to people: Jim, Charlie,
George, Rosemarie... obviously there are exceptions for
this observation to be bullet-proof (i.e. μ, ν, ξ, π etc.)
but did the scientists mind not using them? no! they kept to
this interpretation that symbols of sound need to be encapsulated -
held together, stable, each symbol needs to be a balancing act -
an ~equal amount of consonants and vowels need to be
invoked when writing either a or α, b or β, g or γ -
there needs to be an invocation of names to these symbols -
not mere ah be c e ef gee... English for its laziness in omitting
diacritical marks did the unspeakable when digital paper came
about - it turned itself into a quasi encryption tongue,
acronym fuelled and in all honestly - self-conscious of its faults
yet basking in them! but the real genius in encoding signs truly
belongs to the Hebraic school...

you find them so coerced by naked pictures,
that their outer resembles no inner -
you find them bound to an idea that the inner can
somehow compensate - but it can't -
the outer as the inner reveals nothing,
no love, merely a **** - the winged-Hussars die
in Ukrainian fertile land, and with the music,
you can only think of the drudgery of walking
through knee-high mud - you can just picture
the Cossack moustaches wedged behind the ears
like earrings - i too would have eaten my tongue that way
had it been permitted - without permission
i spoke of a stake tartar and my tongue into one -
then the mantra came - kametz, tzeré, chirek, kametz,
tzeré, kametz, kametz, tzeré, tzeré, cholem, kametz, kametz,
- i will not be treated like some dumb farmer!
      your Yurt empire is fledgling into the sunset!
  and my heart is enshrined into a bitter toil! it will love
as it pleases! not with you saying what there's to love!
tzeré, shurek, kametz, kametz, tzeré, kametz, cholem, tzeré,
chirek, kametz. what a mantra!
a, e, i, a, e, a, a, e, e, o, a, a, e, u, a, a, e, a, o, e, i, a -
patterns strangre than in a poetic rhyming scheme -
respective incisions into still-life motives of movement -
i.e. if a vowel be my hand, a consonant be a chair i sit on:
kametz of aleph (א), tzeré of bet (ב), chirek of gimel (ג),
kametz of dalet (ד), tzeré of heh (ה), kametz of vav (ו).
kametz of zayin (ז), tzeré of chet (ח), tzeré of tet (ט),
cholem of yod (י), kametz of kaf (ק), kametz of lamed (ל),
tzeré of mem (מ), shurek of nun (נ), kametz of samekh (ס),
kametz of ayin (ע), tzeré of peh (פ), kametz of tzadi (צ),
cholem of kof (ק), tzeré of resh (ר), chirek of shin (ש)... and
finaly the kametz of tav (ת)* - we really like our matchstick
men, don't we? in terms of ancients tongues,
we like our curvatures in modern tongues of Greek
and Latin, don't we?
instilled the names of vowels! kametz (a
                                                 tzeré (e
            chirek (i
                                          cholem (o
                 shurek (u
                                                           pentagon thus far,
    revealed vowels with diacritic interpretation
           kametz, as soured: חָ - tau, vowel as diacritical mark
elsewhere -
                       tzeré - or umlaut below the letter - alternatively:
           וָ qàmetz                   וֵ tzeré
וִ ḥìreq                              וֹ ḥólem                   וּ shùreq
     (c, k, q - make it quick, à, 1st),
                (é - prolong it, to catch a breath, or the first
                      tetragrammaton H),
that's the genius of the encoding though... the omission of
vowels, or vowels as diacritical marks - one shurek (u .
                                                               ­                                   .
                            ­                                                                 ­        .)
among 10 kametz and 7 tzeré - gematria at its purest -
one shurek, 2 chireks and 2 cholems -
a form of encoding deviating from obscure onomatopoeia
and the void and meaninglessness, toward
a sound ushering a word for word, and actions parallel -
but this encapsulation of breath taken and
breath released, as in writing, the speaker does not
suddenly breathe again - but is kept within limit,
a consonant starting point, the zenith of breath or soul
and a return to one body, v A v (e.g.).
but imagines being able to avoid noun insertions -
then Hebrew is very much as modern English -
when modern English ought to utilise diacritical marks
on either vowel or consonant, it does not -
it doesn't have a single sound encoding worthy of a name -
there's no omega, there is only oh -
Hebrews treat their vowels as diacritical marks -
their language is one massive crossword -
how do they even read HBRC? who the hell taught them
when to insert the vowels from following the roots
as stated HBRC toward the tree that's HEBRAIC?
this is ******* bewildering - i don't know how they do it!
what's agonising is their notion that patterns in letters
having numerical values is somehow meaningful,
as if something horrid can be averted - to me 1 + 1 = 2
is enough - i don't need alef / αλεφ / αλεθ (א) + bet / βετ (ב) =
anything but gimel / γιμελ (ג) -
this is the ****-pile of having so many prophets in your society
and not enough philosophers - the Casandra Standard -
Greeks had the philosophers, the Hebrews had their
prophets, both in excess - in the end the cult of prophecy
in Hebraic society turned into a Casandra Standard
borrowed from Greek myth - while Greek philosophers...
i don't actually know what happened to them -
i think most of them became dentists after Aristotle suggested
women had fewer teeth than men.

Hey Mr. I used to say
Hows your morning
hows your day 

Your my wisdom my teacher my caregiver

When I need you, you said you'd be there
 
I did my best as a kid to give you attention and appreciation for the simple life I lived

Presents and notes to show I cared
 
Thank you cards of admiration and words of ill always be there

I was a kid, it was pretty much all I could give
 
Mr. you said one afternoon were going out to dinner when I get home
then I remember how you bailed
That’s ok Mr. I know your busy  
You would say then Mr., maybe tomorrow if time permits me
 
I remember Mr. a few times you said get ready in a while we will go shopping… 

But we never did 
Maybe tomorrow Mr. said  

I know now its better not to hold my breath 

Help me pick up this house Mr. said 

But I am tired and on my way to bed…
 
Ill do it tomorrow I promise 

To that Mr. replied tomorrow never comes
 
And he went on to explaine, tomorrow there will be tomorrow… And another one…
 
Out in the world now 
No longer a girl...
 
Hey Mr. I  hate to ask… 
But I need your help and I need it fast 
The bills are do, my checks on its way but I need to pay my bills today 

I know tomorrow my check will arrive I can pay you first thing in the morning
 
I remember you were fast to say I'd  help you.....

but you would learn nothing and then you would say...
 
you say you will pay me tomorrow…  
but I know better if you need money now tomorrow you will be no better off

Sorry Mr. your probably right…  
I'll be ok its just one day and one night...

you were strict all my life, but you taught me well to never count on anyone…
never…
not ever in my life will I be optimistic

I'll never be anything, but protected and shelterd

forever never free all my days...

when I was a kid...

I remember it all to well

you gave me what I needed… 
and nothing els 
no memories of fun
no memories of any extra attention...

sometimes I feel you as cold as ice  
Mr. I remember I'd  often look at you twice
 
You never smiled you were always in a rush
 
I was a child and in the way… 
Way to much... 

Mr. I wish I learned your lesson sooner
that you were a promise maker...  
and most importantly a promise breaker
 
I know you may have not meant it,
but finaly…
I finaly learned your lesson, Tomorrow never never comes
 
And Mr. when you say Ill be there for you tomorrow…
 
I know now tomorrow never comes 

Still Mr.
I love you today… 
I love you forever,
but never tomorrow.. 
Never ever
 
Ill continue to wait though for you to come around to all the love I gave

All my love you never found 

Ill wait today…  
I'll wait forever 
Ill even wait for you tomorrow again  
even though I know tomorrow will never end……

I'm not interested
Is that so hard to say?
I'm not interested in you
Those words come out like butter and yet the thing you try and do

Is hold onto to me for later
Put me to the side
There I sit hoping and praying
I'll be the apple of your eye

But you're not interested in me
You know it
You're not interested in me
Let me go so at least if I cry my eyes will finaly see

Are you so selfish to keep me around?
To trod on me and smile
Each time I am your turning point
When you cry tears of crocodiles

Just let me go!
Please!
Just let me go right now!
Tell me to my face that you dislike me! How?

With sincerity!
With bluntness!
With no sugar-coated words!
You've led me on for far too long to the point where it's absurd

Your killing me
You really are
My hopes and dreams compacted
Into the scene you've set for me and constantly reenacted

**** you!
You vile creature!
You deserve not a tear from my eye!
But here I stand with my heart in your hand and knife you put in my side

Oh dear coward
Just say it
Say you're not interested in me
So at least you and I can walk away with some shred of dignity

But you won't
Will you?
You'll keep me safely in a pocket
Not telling me a single thing, putting me in your secondhand locket

Just say it, please
I beg of you
Just for once say it. Please.
Tell me deep down you've always known you're not interested in me...

Henry, You lost the love I love the most....
                          You ginger hair is the suns warm rays shining upon a blue eyed angel who doesn't see the love coming from the one who needs that angel to save her but she realizes he needs to be saved, she is his angel who is there to shine light upon a broken wing who needs to fly up above those blue skys so hey can together become one In harmony, not to be broken not to be frayed not to be left in the rain but to bring back the Tenerife sea in his eyes, to make her glow like a bright sunrise in a cloudy sky, she needs him as much as he needs an angel to make him shine, nobody understands why their love is so strong and deep and why a beautiful angel is with a broken wing but nobody knows that he is her everything, hes not only a majestic thing he is her sunlight on a rainy evening, he sees the angels scars but doesn't think they make her unlovable, shes difficult, but angels need to love too, no love story can save this angels broken wings but this broken thing will try to make her see that if she believes she can be saved, he doesn't see the love that she is trying give but Is not receiving, she doesn't understand why she is pretty but she understands that she is unlovable, she is making a permanent scar on her arm unlike the one that she can only see, he doesn't understand why she doesn't see what he sees but cant tell her these amazing feelings.... they both say why as their love is starting to die, the cry, they fight, they love, they sceam, they hurt, and they bleed, if only that broken wing came to save the beautiful angel dieing, bleeding, screaming, and crying why as she died... He finaly started to wonder if she is going to be alrigt so he decided to go in the middle of the night to fix things to tell her these amazing feelings and when he  got there he fell to his knees, crying in front of this broken beautiful amazing angel that saved him but couldn't be saved, he held her and cryed out ”please don't leave me, I need you, I love you, im so so so sorry I never told yu that your beautifula nd perfect for me, PLEASE PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME!!” he never understood why god let this beautiful angel die for him? but one day as he was going through her journal he cried as he read the last sentence that she wrote and it was about him, it said “If my angel were to ever read this, I didn't leave because of you, I left because I am not fit to be a mother,” he stopped and thought “A MOTHER?” and continued to read the letter “I know what your thinking what is she talking about? but im carrying our daughter, I didn't know what to do who to tell, I couldn't let me ruin you future, your so smart, live your life and continue to succeed, I know that you will be anything that you want to be and I know you will find someone thatloves you more than we ever could, im sorry for all the pain I have cause, we love you -your broken wing” he cried and cried and cried and screamed “WHY GOD WHY?” he never understood why until 6 years passed, he was a journalist with 4 best author awards, he always new that he had an angel watching over him, the day that his first daughter was born was the day he realized that, that angel couldn't be saved but needed to save him, he wasn't a broken wing any more, he was an amazing thing who had these 4 beautiful daughters and a loving wife who would never hurt him, he understood that his angel was set free!

An American flag
Covering a box
With a fallen soldier
Who gave the ultimate sacrifice
Carrying a message of love
He fought and died
For his country
For his family
His freinds
He will be missed
And never forgotten
the men and women he saved
Now salute him
as he is carried off the C-47
He is finaly home

Your lying next to me.
I can hear your breathing, steady.
You are almost asleep.
A calm beauty.
Finaly you get some rest.
I can see you needed it.
For the days are long.
Bring so much pain.
But here you are safe.
Can get some rest.
So sleep on love.
My beautyful wife.
The love of my life.
The days might be hard.
But the nights your here.
Next to me.
And I will keep you safe.

Two egg heads standing on a street.
But they werent really standing beacause they hadnt any feet.
They went home to get a pair of legs.
But no matter how much they tried they couldnt find their pegs.
At last after an hour they finaly found their pegs.
They ran around to the park and had a one minute dance.
But then they had to go home because it started to get dark
They got home but they fell of their pegs!
They  looked in the whole house and finaly found their egg pegs.

I picked up the pieces of my shattered heart
and put them into my jar of fireflies.

Only way now to keep my heart-spark alive
To live healthy in the glow

I've left the lid open
Living with the fear that this light might leave me

I have to remind myself some days that dust still rises
So I walk like an oil well to keep your memory alive

I watched them bury you
and realised my biggest fear come true

Heaven can't be real

And coffins only trap our dead
I need to let you go

When I die I want to be naked
wet
and covered in seeds

Heaven is the transfer of energy
into new life

I don't wanna be a goddamm tombstone garden
I wanna be a real garden
With ******* roses
and lillies

And weeds
Weeds are hard to ****
Make me something strong again

Give me a reason to keep on going
Help me kick my own dust

I wanna make life
even after my life

and

I want you back
I want you back

Because I miss you so much some days
I drive sixty in suburban neighborhoods
Prayin the fire finaly takes me
and
I can't do it

I know I will wake up in the morning
and you still won't be here

Sent you an e-mail the other day but purposely got the address wrong
I just wanted your name in my inbox

Someone already has your cell phone number
I called them and cried
because when they answered
they sounded exactly like you

They've asked me to stop texting
Saying I have the wrong number

Did you know all the people on tv sitcom laughtracks are dead?
It is ghosts reminding us to laugh

Remind my smile
Remind my dust
Remind my firefly glow
To get bigger

Remind me that you're not really gone
Not gone gone
Even if you're just plant food
It means something

It's why grass itches your bare skin
Reminds you it's alive

I don't want to itch like your nightmares anymore

Just know
I am picking up the pieces as best I can

And I ******* miss you

looking at these blades
i think of so many failed attempts
ive washed them in my blood
hoping this will be the one
but it never came
this time it will
this time ive sharpened
honed the edge
this time ill feel it
as i drag it across my wrist
feel my veins pop
feel it slice my fleash
feel my blood seep from my body
i think finaly
this is it i can feel it
once, twice, three times
now the other
one, two, three
now im standing here
i feel my life slowly sliping away
i see him in the shadows
come to take me away
i tell him finaly
you show your ******* face
he chuckels says
not yet
and disappers
im standing in a pool of blood
my blood screaming
fine i try again
every night untill
you take me

This just in off the  presses Eliot  throws in the towel  and sells Hello
for a pair of front row Jonas Brothers tickets.
In other news the pub the oldest group on hello  is being forced to close
its doors  due to noise complaints  from  the coffee shop
who claim they can bareley here there good awful  music
or read there twilght books.

Gary La Buda  is very short  and writes lots of books
so he can  use them to see over  the steering wheel.

Many people have asked and finaly hello has answred
to what we do not know.

Yesterday a man died of boredom trying to actully read
all the poems on the charts at poetry soup.
When the owner's were awoken from there nap time
there only reply was   Is it time to color yet?


Poets who get to the top of the charts yet only have two comments
my question?
who are they blowing.

Look for my next report when I let everyone know the poet
soon to be leaving this  madhouse of a site.

Untill next time always  seek the truth

Have you ever held so much of something that causes the things you wish not to see in those you love?

Have you ever held a pain that isn't even yours in some cases?

have you ever held on to it so that it doesn't slip and take out such a beautiful tragedy of those you love?

That if you slipped and allowed just an ounce of this pure and refined substance to hit the open air that it would be instantly absorbed into the psyche and physical bodies of all those around you , thus causing them to convulse in agony and gut wrenching pain?

Have you ever felt this could be even close to how you have felt before?

As if once they get the tiniest taste of their own creations and manipulations results, they would fall, so far and hard they would not see the way out of such dire deeds and sad and abusive ways and pains of the causes and causation's, the outcomes of the thrusted busted, go away's, leave me be's, the I don't care about you's, you are a fool's, you are stupid, stop annoying me's, oh here watch this one, they will break , so laugh as loud at them as you can's? can you see what I am saying?  in short all the truly horrible things we all , including me, myself and I, do, when we hurt, are confused, or some how, loose our way in this confounded maze we seem to find ourselves lost in.

Is it enough to allow them to taste the fruit of their leaves of the trees they planted on our mother womb as our father feeds them lovingly, knowing these seeds are wrong?

is it enough? would describing it be enough to cause the pin to be realized if only an imaginary trend of a friends busting the illusion for a crafted grafted second, in hopes to say, stop and look, we are all dieing if we continue this way...... but so many of us, carry these pains like a badge of **** honor, like we are singlehandedly saving the very souls of those whom we don't even know, at times, that is... when the pain and isolation isn't too much to bare, and we don't end up lashing out and creating sorry *** little seeds of trees we then drop along our mothers womb as father lovingly tends to mothers needs, as if we are johnny apple seed in the garden of plenty and abundance all like where is my coffee!!!!????? like i have been a time or two?

Would it be enough for me to change, much less you? maybe, seems we are all stuck on a revolving Russian roulette of, "you first jack, then we will see if my *** antiees up all in..." for we all seem to be in this oh so, silly Mexican stand off as illustrated by Marshall Mathers in the "*******" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHi-IjsilSw

Cause this silly little thing, is ME, and it is You, yet, am I holding you correctly, by saying ***** it, its me and not you? or is this **** thing on backwards and in roman numerals? cause situation is all jacked up, from the floor up if we fail to see that , I and others who are pain eaters, or, what ever you choose to call us, for we are all full, just look about you, and see all the love is flowing but some of the most daring and beautiful ones are slowy fading, falling, wasting away cause we are too **** pridful to say, **** this not today, I will not hold your ****, this is your **** you take and feel it, I am rather in the clear and am shorting myself the love I truly need to breath, but, I am such a freak and a lover of you all, that I ****** this crap back up denying you the ability to even grab your **** from me, and I horde it hide it and die in it faithfully, for I said I would and my word means everything. but, Now I find so many begging me to release it, let it be, let it go and even if fools fall the **** over dead from the shock of the shame and pain they have graced us all with but we have not had to bare, do go dropping like flies, then that is okay, as I stand shocked, appalled and *******, cause we are to save them all **** it. yeah... says who, son? is all I hear any more. says who son? who said they could make it to such a place of pleasure, leisure, construct, invention, visionary, oh, my how we are to truly shine , shine, be and play? who told you this anyway? and I stand silent, speechless, and rather dumbfounded in my lack of afraid. for they are right. ****, it,, they are right, again.. for to be able to truly and finaly bew able to grasp, grokk, totally and truly rock this truth of movement and this transmogrification of station and situtations where we oh so are to truly play and live like life truly exists, we must let go and let bare the being that was, is, and wont be there. yet here i am, still stuck in a silence of judgement pending, standing in a hall, holding up the line cause I refuse to let go of this which is holding me from the true garden and my possible real soul mate, whom ever they maybe, all because I am so affraid of feeling the lose of even the hated, and hatful of thee, ?.. and why? why are so many of those bauetigul people like me, doing this very thing? so many of us became sin eaters simply out of need, and we eat the sins of others, and eneded up, sinning ourselves, simply to deal with the burdon of the pain... what , in the world were we thinking? , well, we were thinking, what a shame, and we were thinking, why do we not know how to help or deal with all this over whelming pain, why atre we burdoned so? and why must , i let go of the only think I have ever known, eating this sin, that became my identity and my reason to be, and now you ask, me to strip myself of me, of this child laid bare for all the world to see, as I fall apart, is that what it is you wish to see? for this is what will happen when I no longer bare the sin of you and you and you, for mine have been forgiven from what I understand for laying no blame upon no man for the sin I consumed of man, and I am not alone in this endeavour or relieaf, that is if I can muster the foolish courage to let it go, and watch as you all, fall, fall, fall, of your own pains, but I say this, as I have said before, as  child I said it and thousands of times in my life, you do not have to fall so far, just except what ypou have caused and bare it and do the equal and truly triple the opposite and love, see, for me to take such a chance, such a leap of faith and risk, my falling by my creations of feeling watching you fall from your own pains, in turn causing me to fall the same, , but I say, you do not, for if as I said I do this, and risk, then you do the same and love again, as you did before you remembered how to hurt..... before you learned how to hurt inside, before you realized, you die each time the pain lives inside... for you were never a sin eater, but I can and am telling you how to digest your sins, so you don't fall, so far and possibly fail and well, bye.. you must bare you harm and except it as real and them manifest the loving and caring truth that nullifies the harm and corrosive acridness and become, alkaline a base , so base your love in truth and harmony, and resonate out of the hate and misery, for, I do understand what it is I must do, but it all truly, like I said a thousand times, depends on you, and yes there is a possibility that you could bring me to my death by focusing on never getting out, but lets not kid each other son, I will not be loosing, and why risk the guarantee of you never being with the life of us, only so you can attempt to bring me or others down? for it makes no sense, and is not of the flow and growing of life and is not abundant, so, swallow all the fear and doubt, that pain and acid that you spit out, and except it for it is the reality you created and we sin eaters swallowed and held so as to limit your harm, and many of us, did this from birth and never truly knew what we did wrong to end up with such a work load if you get my drift. but my soul is clear, on this, and wqell, I must start laying this down, and by doing so, I need not grace you with a sound or a jot or tittle, but the facts that you may or may not find life get a little different, but This is not for me to say, for it is simply close and time for me to let it all go and look for the truth as my ownn naked frozen child deep inside shivers , but, I know this, no matter the loss, no matter the cost, no matter the choices that will be chossen due to tempral placement and how limited the view is from where we are, that I will be okay, and most of my people are already across, in fact, I think I am one of the few still stupidly here, begging and causeing such a scene, but, I suppose they are right, "if you have not chossen your own ways, by now, then what makes you think anyone should wait for you to realize there is no tomorrow once we move forward.. and well, I hope to wake and each time I wake, love be closer and closer to me and this horror and this lies deciet and hate, be a none existant, reality, for me, or anyone else ready to make that change. and you still can, but, um, if time is running out on the elect, then um, maybe time is running out on you and me so, we better get this thing going, and make a stand , a choice, and eat out own **** and swaet out love and all things worth growing and knowing. for the information is a seed that is the key, if you know, then it is time to unload, that seed so it can be a tree, for spring has sprung and we are about to be leaving and blooming some **** fine leaves, and flower, ohh, so, unless you are the dead and decayed bark that we are about to shed, litterally, then it is time to become a blossom, and swallow your own deeds and devulge the information that setts so many others free, you will be saving lives, and the livfe you save might just freaking be your own. no I mean this jack. and, I love you, but I can not keep holding this, for most of it is not mine, and I soon hope to be resigned from the possition of rather high ranking in the sin eating department, "Jesus is number one there, and I am not in the tier, but you can beat me, so swallow you sin and push out the freedom and love, the truth that sets the rest of the tree free from this infestation cause we wont **** the tree, but we continue like this and the tree of life we wont see either, for we will fall away and away to never be again, make your choice, cause I have Purple Hearts to Bloom baby, and blue and white stripes on my flower, for I am a full purple blue moon, , hope to see you there, and if you hurt son, sorry, but it is time, so, take my advice and swallow and shed and do deeds that save lives and loves.  Yes I know I am slow, ven my mother said so, in the scanned images, see, poems, though he is"slow?"  yeah, thanks ma.. lol, smile, I hope I see here , she, finally free of all the harm done her and forgiven, for I forgave her long long ago, I love and respect my mother, for she gave me these bones of gold, and at 14 she did better than many, with such a prize package like me.
Candlebox-Far Behind
h ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4QL0L9fgbg

You say you understand but you don't
you think you know us but you don't
we feel trapped all the time
and alone
we're the ones that con you
not for evil but for companionship.

Have you ever hated something so much
you fantasize about going crazy
just to escape this horrible reality.
We're the ones that don't qualify as normal
we're the ones that see the world differently
and finaly we're the ones that finds society
STUPID

The world was determined
To be where it was that day
And so each time sinned
Was inevitable in that way

The master of puppets
Thus the plot twister
Blows the trumpets
At the evil mister

Who killed a protagonist
Then himself hanged
Thus an antogonist
Inevitably becomes determinist

When he finaly does see
He is not free to be
While the protagonist
Rises up free

Into chaos
The arms of uncertainty

Just like your jug of milk in the fridge
we have and expiration date.

Now we have finaly seen eachother
and I must admit I might be falling in love with you.

Spending the night
and sleeping in your arms.

Just like bread on you counter
we have an expiration date.

Your going away soon to join the military
and I am going to miss you more than I will admit.

Im not willing to whisper the word please dont go
and mess up your future all for a girl

Just like that meat in your freezer
we have an expiration date.

In you i find all my answers
In you i find everything i need
In you i find the love what i always dream
In you i finaly find my way in life
Every day you give me the shine of the sun
Every night you watch at me from a star
Everytime you prove me the love what is a bless in my life
In you i see my entire life
In you,re eyes i rest my soul and my broken heart
I love you so much
In you i find every beat of my heart
You are the day and the night in what i live my life
You are the prince on the white horse what i always waiting for and now you,re finaly here in my heart
You are the one with who i want to spend my life
In you i find everything i want
It is you the men what i search all my life

AS SOON AS I CUT MY SKIN I DREW A PICTURE OF YOU WITH MY BLOOD AS YOU WERE THE ONLY THING THAT WAS COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS. EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, YOUR HANDS, YOUR LAUGH, THE TWINKLE IN YOUR EYES KEPT ME ALIVE AND WHEN THAT WASN'T AROUND ANYMORE I WAS PRACTICALLY DEAD. I NEEDED YOU OUT OF MY BODY AND THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY, AND NOW THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER INSIDE I CAN FINALY WASH YOU AWAY, BUT EVEN NOW MY HAND LINGERS AS THIS ****** SMILE IS THE ONLY THING THAT IS HELPING ME BREATHE.

Misled by my own malignant
bones I could not control my emotions turned the tide into bloodmoons followed the path of shadows roaming the road to nowhere then after seventy second chances I look at you thinking I've finaly found myself in living purgatory

I have tried everything to get you out of my mind.
But its just impossible nothing can ever make me feel the way i feel when you touch me with your sweet skin and the amount of energy i have inmy body when I saw you. I can't forget your eyes that shine so bright into my soul it even make feel like I don't wanna die Just because I wanted to stay one more minute right beside you and that feeling you gave that finaly i was being loved i have never feel that way and it was the most amazing thing ever happened to me.
But like everything i this world, have an end.

Most women prefer roses.
What is dear to me
is the hilltop on a windy
spring morning.
The proliferation of the
wildflowers like
a patchwork quilt
covering the hillside.
The waves of random colors
following the pure gust
of cool fresh air.
People call them weeds
but to me they are flowers
with wild free hearts.
That are as dependable
as the seasons.
They always bring me
a smile when the endless
days of winter
finaly surrender to spring.
But I love them mostly
because they remind me
of you .
My gentle giant.
You were always
the wildflower
I loved the most.