when you fall in love with an angel, you must understand that there are things you will never understand.

- when you first go to run your hands through her hair, her halo will slice your palm. and it will hurt like hell. she will mend it with the touch of one golden finger, and leave so abruptly that she is gone almost before you even blink. the thing you will see is her at the doorway. terrified eyes, blood stained hair.

(later, she will tell you that she never realized how breakable humans could be. when she explains what it takes to make an angel bleed, you begin to understand )

- ask her about the sky, about stars and suns and galaxies light years away. ask her whether or not the universe looks like a blooming garden. never ask about lucifer - she will become a soldier before your eyes.

and not, do not, donot, ask about god.

do not ask about rebellious older brothers and absentee mothers.

(do not infer about a war you know nothing of)

- in a science class you are taking simply for extra credit, your teacher will be talking about quantum physics. he will explain galaxies and refer to stars as "celestial bodies," but you won't be listening. suddenly you will only be able to think of the way her mouth curls at the sides, of the way her golden skin glows, of all the puckered scars that crisscross her torso, of the graceful arch on the bottom of her foot. celestial bodies are certainly on your mind but they are so much more than gas and light and heat and touch and --- oh heavens ---

when the teacher asks if you are alright, you will flush an even deeper red. supernova.

(at times it is lovely to be in love with an angel. but at other times, it is not)
- beware when you fight, it is like the world is ending. her anger conjures a thunderstorm, and soon the entire country is three inches deep in water. you shatter a picture frame. a bolt of lightning catches the house across the street on fire. you are screaming at the top of your lungs – something about duty, something about god – and there is a crash of thunder that shakes the foundations. the weathermen talk about the storm for days. you flinch and change the channel.

(no matter how right she is, she will always let you win)

- there are times when she won't visit for months on end, and when she finally comes back to you, she is not herself. there are new scars across her chest, and she does not speak. she sits with you in her arms for hours, her nose buried in your hair, and her arms squeezed tight, so tight. she does not cry. you do not cry.

you do(not) cry.

(but you do remember the miles and miles of white scarring. you wonder if angels are as immortal and unbreakable as they think)

I donot know why some people like me.
I donot know why some people donot like me.
I donot know why  I like some people and not others.

consider yourself..
lucky?
perhaps, to feel nothing
but elation. at any given
moment

then there's the rest
of us.
you know, the common--
real
humanity.

where tears salt
the food. make oceans
of our water glasses.

yes, its true.
while our tears may fall
and fall
fall
.

we.
unlike (lucky) you,
DOnot.

Everyday I walk the gauntlet
down the street full of despair
No one looking up at me
But, they know that I am there
"Mister, can you spare some change"
"I need a coffee and a meal"
They all just sit there begging
I can't know how they feel

Cardboard signs expressing life
Shadows and wratihs along the walk
I try to block out what they say
I don't want to hear them talk
Some are dressed in paupers rags
While others in name brands
Each day I walk the gauntlet
Past their pleas and outstretched hands

"Mister, can you spare some cash?"
"A coffee would be nice"
I donot make eye contact
I choose not to roll the dice
I can't look down and notice them
I can not help them all
I can only walk and wonder
Just how far did they fall?

"Mister, can you help me out?"
""I'm only two bucks short"
Some sit here from five to nine
Then they choose a different port
Last week a voice reached out to me
From a shadow no one cast
I recognized the voice, it was
A person from my past

"Mister, can you spare a bit?"
"I'm just down on my luck"
I stopped and stood and waited as
My very breath was ******
I knew this voice, it's owner was
A man I worked with once
Many, many years ago
Back at old A.F.T. Hunts

I turned and looked upon him
This old man on the side
His eyes looked clear on through me
He wouldn't know me if he tried
He said "I'm only waiting for"
"something else to come along"
"I don't feel right, sitting, begging"
"In a few days I will  be gone"

I reached inside and pulled a bill
five dollars I would give
I knew when he had everything
Now, this is how he lives
I thought before I gave it him
This could easily be me
I knew exactly who'd he'd been
But, he still did not seem to see

I told him to take care and then
I moved on down the street
Not knowing where'd he go to next
If he'd go somewhere warm to eat
I only knew it wasn't far
to reach the gauntlet of despair
But I think from then, I'd never act
As though they were not there.

in a void of noise
in the in-between light
in the border of shadows
in the verge of tears
in the corner of a smile

i am everywhere and no where
i cannot find myself
i cannot find meaning
i look in the mirror
sunburnt skin
deep chocolate eyes
dark mane and sharp lips
i see nothing behind my eyes
no spark

i am somewhere i donot know
donot recognize
my heart is the only constant noise
and the only memory left
on my impaired brain
is you

Hold it in
                                                                   cut clean the vitals


How I see a simple procedure going wrong is the anxiety of the believer. The Optimist that fears the pessimistic balance. True lovers of the art.

                   Exhale  

                                                                  sedation equals Meditation
Minds wander when watching the reflection of ever moving sound and light through the world of water.

                               Sip the air in
                                                      Release the third eyes tears


A figure of speech. Or a meaning that only the experienced can speak for? But nothing is trivial in the pursuit and may it suit you so.

                                                      DOnot BlinK

Digging holes to sleep in

There is a goal of destruction. Caused either by thy self or the weight out on thy self by others. However this weight becomes lighter as I become stronger in bearing it.  Should it ever be cast off I fear I would not exist.

                                                                                Let the music in
                     Silhouettes are my truth

But now the doubt has been raised... The Cave men will now question their Gods. The banished becomes a Martyr of everyones self doubt.

                                                                                                             Meet the eyes of your maker

                                                                        Blind, Deft, Paralyzed

You can find them. I have them. Everyone and almost everything does. look deep, drink the knowledge and use it to cure. Become the knife to the weave of time and free our paths.

                                 Become a monster

when getting hijacked in your car, drive into a large object fast, all the while stare at aggressor silently

A Monster is a matter of opinion. But I digress that it should be questioned whether or not humans can be monsters and no longer humans. To add someone who becomes a monster may never have the chance to become human. The odds are stacked against humans.

                                                                   laugh in our beds for our sins
                                                                Hard Rock Balled
I don't mind good and evil. I don't much care for what they are. Experiencing them I care about.

               Time fractals across the Insomniac Ramblers body
                                Criticize, Critique, Commit

Dream for others. Imagine the unknown. Believe in oneself.

A life they see,
Through their eyes,
Butterflies they see,
Fly in peace,

Their own lives not at peace,
Branded with whips,
Cut with knives,
Treated worse than animals,

Food so cold,
So raw,
Tasteless and sickening,
Have you ever dreamt of such a life?

Think about the other million,
Those who donot survive,
No food, no shelter, just pain,
Pray for the lot and bring about a change.

Don’t weep at my grave...
  Am not there, at the grave....
      But there, with the love and care,
         who made me brave.

Am not there, in the shining stars...
  But will shine there,
      in the caring hearts.

Am there, with the challenges
  and unconditional love...
    As I never, allowed
        to give up while alive.

Don’t let your tears roll down..
As I ever, will be
    in the thousand smiles.

Don’t weep at my grave...
Am always there,
    as an inspiring wave.

I feel like I cannot feel again
   The depth is gone The edge is gone
           I'm emotionless and stoic
   I'm static and white noise
              I donot feel anymore
     I'm dangerously numb,
All I do feel is anger burning holes in my skull
         So full of words begging to be let out.
   I'm so lost in my nest of decisions
       I regret my flight and my freedom
    I regret everything I did n didn't do
             These feelings are for me
    And shall consume me
           Till there are only bones and ashes
        But I don't want to regret anymore

Shalom.
How are you?
Did you get happier, taller, smarter?
Are you happy?
I miss you.... I wonder about you....
Do you still remember me?
Would you recognize me if you saw me?

Shalom.
I donot know if I am taller
May be I am.
I think I got darker, but well, my color always changed.
I try to be happier each day.
I definitely found some peace and quiet...
Its comforting.

Shalom.
What are you like?
I remember your face, your smile.
I often joke about your weird laugh.
But I also miss it.
I hope you are smart.
Remember you always knew the right answer.
You just have to think about it.

No mom as you said , I donot cry for sympathy. I wish I could tell you what kills my soul so slow that I don't know. No mom as you said, I donot cry for attention. I cry not willingly, I cry because I see through my heart.  And I don't know what's wrong and right or whether there are people like me, but when there is noone ,there are only tears.

U know,
Donot turn back
Donot look behind
Dont and never think of past
When
For once
Only for once
Your own self is crushed
And self respect humiliated!
Make it clear
You have no role in this play, anymore!

Have it your way Robert you want distance and to be poor white trash in the streets of Nashville with no health care, no home of your own accept the men'mission and theroom in the inn at 705 Drexel Place. You want to be a Peter Pan, awomanizer, anda want to be musician which has not transpired into anything. You are a vagabond hobo and just because you have a a stretch at Clancy's Cafe does not guarantee yoy a place the lime light' You donot acknowledge m[y little tokens I sent you have it your way. Karma will get you I promise one day. I will not even try  to reason wirth you. I hope and pray you are happy with street ***** you pick up on-line and they find out all about you and kick you to the curb.

After remembering you
for all these time
I have just forgotten you
I am happy for nothing
and I am sad for nothing

I try to remember
the eyes that swallowed me whole
with awe and ardor
and I remember eyes with tornados
where I lose myself in despair
I try to feel your lips
that tasted something like
soft cotton candies slowly melting on my mouth filling me with all the sweetness
and leaving marks on me, red and raw
and I feel my lips dehydrated n dry
like ancient ponds at the end of our locality
I feel my hands which feels like
it has at some point felt something
and I donot remember that touch

I have forgotten how you look
and every next lady walking down the street resemble you
Everyone smiles at me for nothing
I sit around the corner of the old broken bus stand
waiting for nothing
Just trying to remember if
we had ever shared any love here
My shoulders waiting for someone
to rest their head on it
My fingers trying to tiptoe over
arms n thighs, I suppose
I have forgotten you nice and well
May be this was the place where
you kissed me last time
before I started to forget you
But I do not remember who you are
I forgot you hard and bad

A man is only loved by condition and a man has no peace unless he has purpose in his heart. How is a man measured? He is measured by the amount of responsibilities he can maintain. How is a man defined? He is defined by how he stewards his responsibility. This complex world can be so simple and yet so many questions can go unanswered. Sometimes what we view as success is not always what we view as a success later on in life. You can sacrifice all that you are to others and yet sometimes your always gonna need a little bit left for yourself. Sometimes you can take it all for yourself and loose a part of you in doing so. I have seen the greatest people let me down. I have seen the hopeless turn their lives around. I have ran the fields free and now I am at a stop light. What I have always dreamed never became a reality. I am always just making it by the skin of my teeth. Articulating in my mind all the things I wish I could be but never having the courage to fall on it completely.  I have so much shame and defeat. I lay it as an offering at God's feet. I pray one day we can actually meet. I cannot teach myself something I donot know. So I come as far as what I know. I hate that I cannot achieve the success I have always dreamed of. I hate that I let my wife down. I want to be something so much more not just for me but my entire family. I want to break the mold and take care of my family. I want to do great things and make my wife proud. I want to treat her with all I make. I want to give her a life thats better than what I can give her. All I can offer is not enough, she deserves so much more.I want to be a better person but I can only do so much. I feel so limited. I wish these walls would fall.

-RSC

That idiot, that stupid, the fool,
the one who stole my heart,
cliche it my seem, he really did.
I liked him, i like him,
i'm baffled about love though,
what is it? i've never known.
So this boy, this Einstein of stupid
told me loved me,
begged me to never leave him.
I smiled, i thought to myself, could it be? could this be love?
I would never leave him, never.
So days went by and i got a text
'my ex wants me back, let's just stay friends'.
So simple, so easy to break someone, isn't it?
I lied on my bed, unknown about how to feel.
The one who asked to be never left just shooed me,
just like that.
So i slept, i slept good.
Morning brought sunshine, but it felt like fire in hell.
For i had been hurt for the first time,
i had fallen for the first time,
i had been thrown for the first time.
Tears ran down my cheeks, my heart begging it to be a dream
I sat, sobbed, helpless, couldn't even scream.
I had to be happy though,
for him whom i liked, i liked?
I couldn't be selfish could i?
crying in his joy.
So, i became happy, i showed him my smile the next day,
i showed them my happiness.
I scolded myself, cursed my life for how stupid could i have been.
Crying for a boy, like a pathetic teen.
I too caught his stupid syndrome, i believe.
I couldn't ask though,
couldn't ask him to give me my heart back.
It's still with him,
has he not been caring for it?
Maybe he took his heart back, maybe i never had it.
Still gives me one of his smiles,
still manages to sway me away.
Such a fool i am, pathetic indeed.
Still my heart flutters with his very glimpse.
I hear they're not together anymore,
i know that fool is sad
What can i do?
I donot desire his sadness
his woe can never be a bliss.
He looks at me and he smiles.
Except hurting,
what can he do?
what can i do?

Donot dwell in past

And have no dreams for
Future

Concentrate on the present

Why we dwell in past?
Those memories have
Lot of impact on our mind

They seem real yes of course
But from past

It no more exists

Good or bad we have to
Let it go

And be strong

Don't fear the situations

Remember
They are here to test you

The witching hour is almost home
At the point from where she left yesterday
She said she had some places to roam
When I asked her to stay.
It was when my tear- drop  did twinkle
I heard the clock ticking
The air of melancholy somehow dwindled
As she went on singing.
I admit I am a midnight lover
For it disguises itself into a person like me
Not like those whose reality is covered
By the multitude of opinions they never wanted to be.
I live the sleep I die for in bed
By doing the things of my choice
I dance recklessly and donot tread
For once I find myself rejoice.
And sure I am a midnight lover
You will find dark circles under my eye
Keep gossiping until you have more to discover
Of the secret land where I fly.
But listen my dear ones
What I just found is what you all look for
To snuggle down when you 're fatigued of the run
To the other side of the door.
Heart is still beating
And you are here to stay
Live a life to which you want to cling
So there are no regrets ,when without you another night changes to day.

























I

I do not remember the first moment we met
Or the moment after
I do not remember the first time we locked eyes
Or smiled at each other
I donot remember when we started walking together or
Having lunch together
I do not remember the first time you called me unannounced
Or the time we started sitting next to each other
I do not remember the firsts
But I remember all the in between
Memories of your smiling face
Warm hands
Small eyes
Each any every moment in between
Each feeling
Of utter and unconditional happiness
I remember you
And hope
Maybe you do to

In this life time.
I sit at my office desk.
Its the same room, same furniture, same computer.
I look at the same art piece every day.
Same faces seated across the room. The same old routine.
I donot hate it, its just my boring "normal".

But in my mind.
Its one of those days. With just enough sun .
Seated at a window in a beautiful apartment.
I love the ice cream melting in my palm.
My love will be back in  hour.
I cannot wait to see his face.
I look across the room and see the dress I just made.
I'm happy here, I love here, Id stay here.forever....

Every morning me and him go jogging.
We then make breakfast together.
playing and laughing like children.
I look at him and I love him, deep down, I know he loves me too.
I watch him walk to his car, and I get ready to design a new dress.
I am very happy. so happy.

But in this life time, I'm just at my desk, and its just another basic day.
And when I get home tonight, it will be to a quiet, lonely house.

Trust In God
In helplessness we have been ordained with excellence
Every fate or fortune is predestined to follow and to flow
Kindness and mercy of Lord remains but as an evidence
So from birth till death there is a point to grow and glow
Soul from times immemorial remains the order of Lord
Likewise whatever is written in fate takes us but along
It is a moment of great pleasure to be the ward of God
We have a pride in the fact that to Lord we do belong
The only fact is that we donot have any one else less Lord
So we must have indomitable faith to believe in Him
Love of Lord is supreme to be understood as a love cord
My love for my Lord remains the basis of this hymn
Colonel Muhammad Khalid Khan
Copyright Aug2021 Love Remains

dark night.
The wind is slow but surely present.
Somehow we dont feel it, atleast I donot.
my porch we are starting on.
look up  the stars are beautiful.
pull me close
i'll lean on your shoulder.

wait for this moment.
lean deeper  its happening.
Tonight,  the happiest person in the world.
Is my best
because on dark nights like these.
stories begin, or a story begins.
maybe.... began

Paint me in black and whites. We are only as dark as the starry blue skies.

Stretching my arms ever wide, exposing my vunerable points until you stab me inside.

What commandeth you so? What exactly do you know? What gives you the right to look down on me beneath your filthy toes.

How you dangle them so, how it angers me inside that you would feel so self riotous to judge what you donot know.

You are not God. Your someone I turned to learn from, Instead you squander all my works and torment me, degrade me and affect everything around me.

You are not my friend, you are an enemy.

Everyone lie to their loved ones on a hope that lie protects them but they donot understand that the toll that a lie takes on their loved ones
outweighs the hurt truth
could have ever done.

We lie because we love them,
they weep because they love us more.

I donot trust the noise, it hides so much
I donot trust the silence, it knows too much
I trust the silence, it keeps so much.

Like this cold
I have fears and doubts
Like bargaining of apprehensions with my sleep
Wherever i speak, i am judged or mis- judged,
So i keep hold onto these cravings into me...
A breath , exasperated ; a heartbeat, so feeble; eyes, seek through the darkest souls,
My way out of this suffocation, or u can call it an apprehension!!
Someday may be, ill speak through the speakers of my nearby town,
Or blue mosque at the far end of the street,
Where reverberation of doubts donot find a cold feet....
Melting in fire, likewise i do sometimes every night,
Too hot to touch, too cold to leave!!

Storms donot last.
The rain started to fall on the window sill.
Harder and harder as I sat still.
Thunder and lighting soon turn to wind.
As the night begins.
I look out the window once more.
There I saw snow on the ground.
Blowing and bitter cold.
The storm stopped and the night was quiet.
For storms don't last forever.

my edges are soft
never will you be hurt by touch

i travel across the skies
enchanting little cloud
oh where will you go next
where will you make it rain
where will you let the sun through

i apologize, i’m so so sorry
i never meant to create a thunderstorm

i travel across the skies
enchanting little cloud
oh where will you go next
where will you make it rain
where will you let the sun through

it is a mistery
how clouds come in all forms
and it is unknown
because just as a cloud is beautiful
a soft kiss of air and sun
it is also deadly
no i will not hurt you
no i donot intend tobutsmall cloud like me can do

so i apologize
if i poured down on you
and then vanished
just as clouds know how to

When the hour comes
When everyone has moved on
When people are in their happy place
Donot forget me

Remember my loud talk
My failure to be wrong or accept defeat
My consistent singing
My dream to see the entire world one day
My openness to people yet failure to draw them in
My obsession with personal space and privacy…
And above all,
My wish to not ever be forgotten.

I’ve left parts of me in this world
Random words, sayings, pictures…..and articles..
Find a way to find them.
When I am gone forever....
Then remember me……

After all, forever is along time .....
and, no one is here forever.

I told him I stand nowhere,
He said donot fear,
I say I have lost hope,
He insisted I don't let go of the rope,
What he doesn't know is that I'm no good,
Still he believes in me,
Don't know why is that so,
He thinks I should go with the flow,
Deep down I do know he is right,
Because someday he feels I will be touching a height,
That someday might be near,
So I guess I should hold in the fear,
He says I should accept the challenge,
Although I still know I have no talent,
Let's see what I become,
The challenge has now begun .......