I can't sleep
Everytime I remember your words
They snap and recoil
And hurt me awake
Next time when someone
Promises me forever
I'll just smile
Look them in the eyes and ask
How long is forever to you.

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in books of fiction
Of life in fiction
Of pain from fiction
A fragment of my being
I am nothing without a book

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in comic books
Whose mind comes alive in their pages
Of heroes and their sidekicks
Of villains and their lovely vile
I am nothing without a book

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in rock as a religion
It's transitions and it's leads
Metal as a denomination
So electric; I come
Alive over and again
I am nothing without my music

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in Mangas
Their Naive heroes and their half clad villains
Their pervasions and their strengths
Their one-on-one battles and defeats
Their awesome storytelling and the twists
I am nothing without my Manga

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in video games
The difficulty levels and their walkthroughs
The vibrations and the boss fights
The sleepless nights and the highs
The shouts of victory and the barrage of curses
I am nothing without my Video games

I am a nerd
Who finds pleasure in surfing
The endless chasm of the world wide
Web, of knowledge and terrifying ignorance
Of horrors and uplifting humor
From one end to the never ending
I am nothing without the Internet

I am proud to be all of these and more

I Am Nerd.

Dear HP,

This is not a poem
But a question
The answer to which
I do hope you have

Why does my lover claim to love me
But still looks for every opportunity
To let me go?

Is it that she loves me so much
But doesn't think she's worthy of me

Or she doesn't love me enough
To think I'm worthy of her?

As I lay here in bed
Reminiscing about the past few days
I think of the way your voice
Cracked last night and
How it broke me to bits
As if I wasn't already shattered and in pain
Because every time you hurt
I feel it all, along with my own pain
Can we never fight?

My days are not the same when
You aren't happy; and I usually stay
Away, not because I'm enjoying it
But cos I don't want to acknowledge the fact
That again, I've made you cry
And it kills me even more because
I am not there with you, physically
To dry your eyes and kiss each drop of tear
To hug you and hold you
And kiss you with the kind
Of force and fervor
That says all of these things at once
That I love you more than life itself
That I miss you more than words can say
And I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you.

Life is sometimes like a basketball game.
Everything you need to make a shot is there
The rims to guide the ball in
the board as a platform for those shots that seem to be going in behind to get back in
Essentially, all you need to do is just to take that shot;
Practise on precision and learn to make use of what's available in your environment.
Do not overlook anything at all.

Woke up this morning with a screaming headache
It’s 6am and I have to be at work by 8am
Feeling like I didn’t get enough sleep but have I ever?
Say a short prayer, that should make it all okay
I clean up as fast as I can,
but not without hurting my gums while brushing
Maybe once I had something to eat, it would all be better
Opened the fridge and the crate of egg falls off, Hol’up
I wanted scrambled eggs but not in this manner for sure
Aaahhh, I need some tea even though coffee would be ideal
But I did run out yesterday. Sigh.
Water’s boiling and I’m trying to get some of it into a cup
But the kettle cover falls off and the hot water spills on my hands
Burning me; today surely isn’t my day is it?
Tea’s ready, but I’m running late now, so I’m taking it to work
Got into the car, humming a feel good tune and sipping tea
Returning the cup to the holder now and again
Then I hit an unfortunate gallop, and the tea spills all over the car
It’s exactly 7.30am and my whole day looks like the mess in the car
I get to the office, couldn’t clean up the car, traffic enroute, made sure
I was more than 5 minutes late; I sign the register before the lateness line
Is ruled; something relatively good yeah? Yeah?
I’m walking to my office door, and somehow the key to my office breaks as I’m
Trying to open the door, no kidding.
They say they will fix it later and I pitch in one of the other empty offices
I’m on my desk, slow day so not much to do
Loud crashing sound, I’m awake and hurting on the office floor
Cos apparently I dosed off and fell off my chair
It’s not until break time and even more, the absurd amusing gazes I’m getting
That I realize I’m wearing different legs from two different shoes colored differently
And of cos my pants got torn at the back from the fall earlier.
Imagine how I looked and to think the day was only half spent.
Where could I have possibly gone wrong today?!

I think you ruined me for myself

I think you ruined me for everyone

Waking up to your smiles no longer

Now I'm in desperate despair

I think the new one looks like you

Petite, dark hair, lightskinned

But she doesn't laugh the same as

You, doesn't half make me feel

The way you made me too

Maybe the next one will be better

Maybe no one ever will be different

Enough to be you

I know you've ruined me

But I would do it over and again

With you

Love is a word
A single distinct element
of emotional expression

Love is an idiom
Transcending the understanding
of even the average minded

Love is a figure of speech
As portrayed in the rhetoric and vivid
effect it has on unsuspecting victims

Love is an adage
The elders tell it better
than it actually looks

Love can be any of the above
All of the above
Or just more.

Keep your head up
My father said to me
Young redhead troubled
by the world around me

So when you think I'm nodding
In agreement; I'm sorry
You only misunderstood; I can't
Hear you, you see

When life burdens me and my
Head drops
I bring it back up because
Heads up
That's what my father taught me

Young
Red head
And
Positive

That's the lizard in me.

I wonder who made you
The sun of my world
If not why does my world
Revolve around your light
And like the sun
Nothing comes close

I wonder who made you
The center of my gravity
If not why do I
And everyone around you
Get so dizzy
Around your laughter And of cos
The only one unflustered
Is you

Cos everytime you look
Or smile at me
I feel lightweight and high
And from up there
I can clearly see forever

I hope I'm at least a star
In your universe
Or maybe I'm one of your moons
Cos now i see my light
On everyone around me

Love.
Yours.

And if you think
that finding true love,
and keeping it,
is the hardest thing you've ever done,

try losing it.

Gravity is depressing!
I would rather fly
exchange my shoes for a glide
A million places to go
watch me soar
now life's a bit interesting
blissful flips and somersaults
just at times when I'm quite sad
or just because I can
and you can too.

Gravity is depressing;
Gravity is expensive!
Take my car for instance
the one I see in dreams for instance
Or the stress of sending up a satelitte
a job that 10 flying men would enjoy
So it's a yes for space exploration
Would have been easier if
we all went to Mars sometime
visit Saturn for summer
orbiting around it's many rings
of cos there will be a warning around mercury
I hear you might mistake it for the sun

Gravity is boring!

I've lived off pressure
Ridden on expectant falls
Derided by some

I've been loved without measure
Tripped over some hearts
Hated by some

Whatever it is you do
There are expectations to flog you with
But always bear in mind
That humans
We never stop judging

Dressed in stereotypes
To our burial sites.

No words can express how I really feel
At least not enough, but I will try still
I'm the silhouette in the shadows
Drowning in the darkness of my days
You can't see it, but it's there
Hidden well within the brushes
That try to paint me a different color but blue
I'm the drawing in the dark
The Artist in plain sight
And I paint myself blue to your adulation
Like the phenomenon of color constancy
I see blue and black, but you
You see white and gold; I'm done
No need to show what's hidden in plain sight
I'm fine I say, over and again; depressed
No words can say how I really feel
The words will never be enough
To make you see that all I am, is ill

And if you speak to me about hell
I will tell you and I will say
I've been there,
Hell,
I was born there.

And if you ask me how I know for sure
I will tell you and I will say
All the demons are here
Hell,
There's more than one devil too

Hell is here
Hell is home.

My ex always knew
I was gon' leave her
Was it just casual premonition
Or do I have this look that says
Look, he's never gon' stay?
Or are those the same insecurities
That pushed me away?

Slowly but surely, the earth is dying
Landslides and earthquakes
Tsunamis and hurricanes
Summer heat all year round
Like a mid-summer nightmare

Yet
Those are not the real killers
Bomblasts and homicides
Crimes of color, religion
A life for more lives
Alive to take more lives
Not one day gone without an unnecessary death

Slowly but surely, the earth is dead
Buried in the same hope that was meant to save us
Religion and it's diversities; Science and it's ideologies More harm than good
And knowledge is the ****** weapon
Now we are bristling at the seams of the end
Weaving as if we didn't know, our very demise
Deeply obsessed with such sad irony
The saved don't want to be saved
They want to go to heaven
But for the unbeliever, anything goes
Let nature take its cause
Indeed, we are nature's beings, but
We have overwhelmed it
With our incessant addiction to hope
Never believe the news
It's much worse than it looks
But not all is lost; the red could save us all
Join the movement
Mayday Mars

My girl has an unpredictable swing
She loves like a relapsing stoner
High today, clean the next
One day she insists she's mine
And the next she pretends I'm air
So I take note of that extra I love you
She says on days I'm her everything
And save them for days that I'm nothing.
My girl has a reckless swing.
But she will always be my girl.

Yesterday.
This was me
With some caffeine
Addicted
Not good for my health
Worrying about my worries
Creating more worries and
My feelings
Spiralling outta control
Today
My head is going places; it is
Seeing things I shouldn't see
The wheels of time, spinning me around
Yet I'm not irrational
Far from it
Then why am I confused?
There's no better way to be
I look into your eyes
Great, and all I see is nothing
All the things I don't know
Like rest of mind and peace
These are the things I would love to have
Tomorrow.


#NowReadBackwards

Ever heard of teardrops
That shattered a heart
A story of love
and the pain that accompanies it.

We started like a fire
A Stray from its path
I wasn't sure about our direction
Didn't know it would turn out so

I'm not here for long I told you
But you gave me your heart anyways
And mine came unstuck and
Followed you

In your hands it turned from stone
To ice, to glass
Delicate but beautiful and ready
Just like yours
To be adored; To be broken

Now I'm leaving but not for good
You still have my heart you see

But that didn't stop the tears and
From you they came
In drops of sadness
As I held you close to my heart

Now I'm left to tell the story
of how teardrops
Fell on my now delicate heart
Shattering it.

Ever heard of teardrops
That shattered the heart?
I wish it was fiction
I wish it was fiction.

This is my life in stages
Oftentimes struggling with disbelief
Every other time, scolding away my doubts.
Not really where I want to be
But that's ok, not better
Or worse than I imagined it.
So far, the only things I own,
A pen and a dream
And I'm not so sure of the former

Torn between burning bridges and opening
Hell's doors; Like hunting silhouettes in the mist
Shadows, busy, chasing the light

I find that I take chances first then learn;
an uncanny approach
Much Like skydiving without a parachute then
Learning to fly to survive the fall

Shout-out to my past self
Buried in the hunger of who I'm working
To become; deep within the waves
Of my mind's seas
Like lost treasures even as I'm capsizing
Into a new person
An ocean of endless vast
To house the unending quests
For wealth in lost causes
Waiting to be explored
Ready for lady luck
And the opportunity to sail from her dock

I can't always hold it in

even the coolest
Of people
Lose it now and then
here and there

I have hope
Serving as strength inside of me

it comes out in strands of positivity
Especially in the midst of pain
A smile within the recession

I'm not done, yet

I've only lost but a few

Even the times I'm stressed out
And it's obvious on my demeanor
It's Ok
I'm Ok

I'm still standing

It may not be how it used to be
but maybe it's true

There's always a beauty;
An art to be found
in abandoned ruins

...cos as you struggled to hold on to life/ life that was never there for you/ you wouldn't stop smiling / smiling like it's all OK.

I remember spending that last night crying/ crying to shed the pain/ pain I never think I do survive/ survive the night I begged you still.

And now that you are gone I've learnt/ learnt that some of man's losses shape his destiny/ destiny he wouldn't stumble upon otherwise/ otherwise it's not OK that you ain't here/ here to see me become the person you always wished I be.

Losing you
was like waking up
in the morning to the sun,
shining no longer,
my day has ended
before it even began

Was Like waking up
to realize rapture happened
The missionaries were right
and hell was real after all.

Lately I've come to hypothesize

Love is a science

Maybe its the biology of attraction

The hormonal chemistry of lust

Maybe it's the physics of its dynamics

The product of its mathematical variable

That makes it so complex a function

We are left confused

as to what it really is.

We are like two stones
That came together
And made a fire
Burning everything
But ourselves.

Day and night,
All I think about
Is you,

Apparently
You feel the same way too

Cos all you think about
Is you.

To be psychotic is to be
Free
To dance in rain and in shine, naked
To sleep wherever the head might rest
To wander, make fun of people
To live indeed.

To be psychotic is to be
Free
To dream of absurdly great things and not care
To own as many imaginary friends as possible;
Cos at least they are real with you
To love wholesomely and to hate, unabashed
To live indeed

To be psychotic is to be
Free
To create a reality and live in it
To think whatever about oneself and not
Care about being judged
To live indeed

To be psychotic is to be
Free
Of clothes, their costs and attachments
Of self-judgements of self appearance
To fight the air or run a personally organized race
To live indeed.

So pray tell,
What is the extent you would go
To live? Indeed.

When it comes to love
Experience isn't the teacher
People are
And they force feed you
With lessons – I'm tired
Of learning
For once
I just want to love
Without the lessons

If I said I wanted to leave you

because I don't want to know

Again, the feeling of being left

Alone, would that make me selfish

Or foolish

You would say it's the latter,

But I say, maybe you are right

These days I live to be a fool another day

I've always wanted to be
To be everybody for somebody

To be every thought
In that every moment

To create those very moments
Moments that make them smile or cry
In laughter.

To be the lightening in their thunder
That spark that lights their way

To be the loved in their beloved
Throwing myself in the face of the danger
The dangerous arrows from cupid's unwavering bow

I'd never settle for someone for everybody
I'd rather be everybody to someone

But who am I to be picky

No one.
At least, not to anybody.

They say love's a beauty
But beauty's at the beholders'
They swear the heart's not a bone
Why then does it get to be broken

The lover becomes the unloved
Laughters into happily never afters
Sweet dreams to sleepless nights

Can someone please tell me how
I'm just coming to the realization
That one plus one can never be one?

Mind for lease;
Heart's up for sale
Lock up my senses too
And every feeling, without bail.

We will be alright, she says
Won't we?
We will be
With a deep blue sigh
I said, knowing
But not knowing if
We will be
Ever the same
But I hope it shows in my eyes
That I haven't slept
Thoughts berating my eeriest senses
Making me numb
Leaving me number

I know it's crazy that I'm empty
And you are still here
But I did dream of having you
Why can't I dream of losing you?
Our conversations are getting shorter
Why am I not surprised
The yearning; lingering no longer
Why does it always have to end
Like this.

It started with the longing
For your attention
And then you refute
And I try again and I get it
Then comes the indifference
Shades of loving-care, laced with awws; cute
Followed almost inevitably
By nonchalantness
Calls and texts unreturned
You think I'm cheating
Quarrels; often unwarranted
Then I start making you feel you nag too much
But you do
I'm sorry I say; the sighs within the apologies;
I'm sorry, Over and again

Now we are at a ****** of sorts
And it's not the kind that's found in clouds of nines
I can't keep going like this
I can't deal with this anymore Vic
Do you want us to end this?
Do you think we could be better?
Questions; more questions
Answers you already have

Then the accusations of deception
Of lies and deception; emotional blackmailing
This is a recurring phase
But it breaks me everytime
Letting go; letting it go, you go
I mean, I already let go before I met you
But I've tried, everytime, I try
And everytime I fail
And in picking myself up to try again
I make you fall for me, then I fail again

I'm broken in shards, and it's my pieces that hurt you
And me
And I would be devastated, but I'm already damaged
I would be hurt, scarred for life
But I don't have the heart

I don't have a heart.

It's all happened before,
This life we so much adore.
The stories we tell encore,
Facts or fiction that will tell for sure,
How we live the life afore.

With blood for ink
I write
Until I'm drained
And then
The epilogues follow

This is the story of my life.

I understand.
You are so afraid
To show yourself as emotional
Because to you emotions mean weakness
So you Glory in denials
Who would know to hurt you
If they thought you didn't care?

I know.
You see his reflection
In every other guy
I know, so I've learnt
To appreciate the little signs
That show you care enough

So I look forward to the few times
You say you miss me
And miss them till you
Gather enough courage to say it again
Cos to me any progress is good progress
'til I can fill up the wound he left
Loving you; completing you

Let's sit and pretend
Like we haven't lost it all
Everything we built; it's tsunami season afterall
But keep it coming,
you are the wind and I was warned  
Take a sip off of your teacup and smile
like the charming witch you are
Yes witch
Because say whatever you will
Hearts, no matter how broken,
Aren't supposed to hurt like this

Today, I sat by the window in the bus, and the voices told me to Jump.
Today, on the top floor of my office building, I kept hearing them say it; jump.
Today, i went to the beach to cool off; a different voice this time, Jump in, and let the waves end it all for you.
Today I sat within the crowd, and felt like squirming away; my heart thumping away.

Jump.

I didn't feel like staying with people; I wanted to be alone.
But when alone I remember: the misery of my past,  the pain from disappointments, the agony of heartbreak, the missed opportunity, the shame from my illness, and every other miserable thing I could summon.
Or sometimes I don't even remember at all; just an emptiness inside my void.
So Jump?

Today I decided to end it all, I knew I needed help, I was walking out that door, to speak out; to get help.
I needed Attention I didn't want, but I need to do everything to stay alive before I stop wanting to.
Today i decided to not be part of the negative statistic; one of those lost to mental illness and it's perceived ignonymity.
Today
#IamMentallyAware

I was 8
Breaktimes at school were the best
I remember the small field-not-pitch
Where we played football
Not as a game of 22 players
and referees and rules
It was a game of 44;
No, 46 self acclaimed stars
It was a game of the whole school
Everybody against everybody
Indiscriminate of ***
Or skill
Of height differences or body frame
Tackled by your teammates for dribbling too much
You could pick up the ball and run
Rugby style to the opposition post
Then kick to score and most likely, miss
Or get mobbed even before you get to the post
It was all so exciting;
Such disorganization;
So much fun.

How did it feel to say I do?
The rush of blood to the head,
The whirlwind of emotions,
The walk down the aisle.

What was going on in your head
Even as you said your wows
And the I love yous
And the right backs
Where has all that feeling gone
Now, that you are fighting to be gone

Vows are what they shouldn't be
Words, with echoes after, without heart; ceremonial
For better for worse didn't you say?
So stop being a wuss and fix it eh?

Lose your doubts, not your partner

I'm hurting; I'm hiding
I'm trying; but I'm hurting still
I promise, this time I do
Everytime I try to laugh
I flinch and smile
Like I can't possibly have it all
Can't let myself get addicted
to the thought of losing
Myself to you
I'm already addicted to
the thought of losing you
And the voices
in my heard don't give up
You don't hear them too
So you wouldn't understand
I want you but
I don't need you
I wish you would Help me
Please; help yourself
Get away from me;
But please stay
How pathetic
You did this to yourself
They say, unrelenting
I did this to myself
Until the day that I find
that I've come to think of you
More than i think of myself
Your laughter will always
Always push me away
And I hurt you, again
Does it matter that I'm hurt too?
Maybe if you looked
Beneath the smiles
You would see how dark
It's gotten; maybe if you
Listened deeper, you would
Hear the quiet before
The storm, the chatter
Of I love yous
My demons take turns saying
Maybe now you understand why
Love
makes no sense to me

I'm a bit tired of dreaming, can I sleep now?

Will the world change for the better?

Or worse,

Would it have been worth anything?

And most importantly, do you know?

Will I wake up in a better place?


Don't panic, I'm just tired of trying so hard.

But I'm still here.

Appreciate the ones that make you chuckle
Uncontrollably so,
At midnight, alone, and in their absence.

I thought for a moment, maybe more
That you could be the one
When we spoke, my heart
It responded in rhythmic murmurs
And I danced to the joy of the possibility
Of me and you
But now, it's goodbye
Before we even try
Farewell
Have a good life.

This is a picture
Of my mind
Of a locked gate with
A broken fence
It doesn't look
Completely fine
But my gate is locked
What could possibly go wrong

Thoughts get inserted
Out of line; thoughts
Get out of control
Loss of association
And no one close
To help with repairs

I can try to rebuild, yes
But won't Ten
Be better; even Two
Now I hope
You see it too
Why it's hard
For me say it too
That I'm not fine
And I'm not, but
I think it not
Because my gate was locked
What could possibly go wrong

The fiercest battles
Are fought from within
But won on the outside
Of The mind
And it takes none; prisoner.

There you are, sitting, feeling pretty
And I can't breathe
... Not because of you though
My sinuses are just blocked

Night-times with you
Star-gazing at the skies
Red crimson moon and rainbow colored stars
Those dark times were the best

All of a sudden; yet inevitable
the moon disappears
the stars too
What is this sad blight
The morbid feeling
Of évil in light
Irony's come to play

The light comes and my dreams elope
With the darkness; And you with them
How Beautiful and equally perplexing
My darkness in light

She showed me her pain, hidden
Under the scars she wore so
Perfectly, while she cried afraid
I wouldn't love her for the who she is
That once loved a knife

She showed me her pain, no longer 
Hidden in tantrums and fits 
Feeling scared and ashamed, I 
Told her I loved her even more, I 
Wouldn't be a salt to her wounds, I
Kissed each scar and searched all over
Me for one and I couldn't find so I
Carved her name into my heart
My stronghold, I let her in
And as I cried from the pain, stubbornly 
Fighting the tears, I
Told her and I said
Now I have a scar too and that's the kind
Of love I want to have.

I once got an inspiration
for a poem about depression

fingers, once excited to hold a pen
lingered over my notepad, unsure

confused by the topic in question
I felt myself get irritated enough
to put the idea to pension

writing used to be fun; not anymore
and so began my days and days and nights
of falling into unnecessary self-written traps

sleepless nights and yawning dawns later
and a few random tears for no reason that I could cater

I realized I was already writing it

DEPRESSION IS NOT A MYTH.



#IamMentallyAware