You were my first boyfriend,
my first date,
my first kiss,
my first slow dance,
You were the first to make me feel special,
my first love,
my first heartbreak,
But you weren't the first to use me,
Degrade me,
Hurt me,
Leave me,
And you probably won't be the last,
I still think about you now and again,
But it doesn't hurt as much as it used to,
It doesn't rip my heart out anymore,
It just shakes it,
The same way I shook my head the first time you said you loved me,
I was unable to believe you felt that way,
Like my heart still isn't able to believe you would hurt me like that,
I loved you,
And you left.

Dear Me,
            You ask only others if your work is good, you never actually trust in your own judgment. People have told you your writing is beautiful, so why don't you believe them? It must be the same reason you don't find yourself beautiful, because when you read your work or look in the mirror you wish it were different. For others to enjoy something even more the maker should be confident, so why aren't you? I hear you telling people who love you, you have no worth. I hear you telling yourself in the mirror you hate what you see. I hear you crying at night because of all the hate you hold for yourself. I hear you sitting in your bed gouging your heart out every night because you wish to be different. I've wrote to tell you to stop! When you do this you're hurting me the most, for I am the only one who's tortured by these sounds, for I am the only one forced to hear them everyday. Please stop, for you are killing me! I don't want to suffer anymore...... Please, I can't take this pain much longer. I know you're stronger than this! So please, please....... Please......just stop.

The sunlight was draped across my skin like the sheet of a bed,
I looked into his eyes and saw my future,
Suddenly, I could feel him touch my arm,
And when I think back,
I can still hear him ask me "Can I try something new?",
I can still feel him gently press his lips to my right cheek,
I can still hear him tell me he loves me,
I can still feel his hand in mine, his arms around my waist,
I can still feel my love for him in my heart when I think of him,
I can still feel my heart drop the day he left,
But the person I love is dead,
He's someone else now,
He's completely different, yet exactly the same all at once,
Just enough to make me miss a complete stranger,
Just enough to make me love someone I've never met,
Just enough for it to rip me apart when I see him,
I long for him to care for me the way I care for him,
I can't sleep at night, I stay awake in my bed thinking about him telling someone else he loves them,
As I lay staring at the ceiling reading the poem he wrote me, I know he'll always be here, be with me, in my heart, in my memories,
And I know it's time, time I let him go, time I set him free, time I give him the wings to fly out of my thoughts,
Time I let him move on, time I let him be happy, like I know we both deserve to be,
But I just can't.

It’s just you here. They’re all gone. You’re talking to yourself like usual. Trying desperately to fill that ravenous need to talk to someone, to have someone to listen to. You’ve been walking in a circle, talking in a circle. The conversation can’t change. It’s only you here. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. There is nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I’m sorry. It’s only you.

When the waves rose up behind you,
And began to drag you away,
I threw every piece of me out to keep you afloat,
I couldn't let you die,
I would sooner rip myself to shreds to save you,
But when those vicious currents came after me,
The undertow swept me away,
And you just watched,
You were too scared of the water to help me,
I understood why,
No one had ever been willing to possibly drown for me,
I just thought you were different...

Weak and broken, lost inside myself,
Scared and alone, basically dead inside,
All these things running through my head,
Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I alive?
Am I even important? To anyone? To anything?
I struggled to find the answer,
Slowly along the way, drowning my demons,
Fighting my fears, meeting myself,
Simply knowing,
Helping the ones who have been hurt like me,
Forgetting the ones who never wanted me,
Cutting myself free from the grasps of the darkness inside,
But I have a stiffening fear I will be back someday,
As I finally stand in the sun again,
But I'm different now,
And the fear melts away,
As I finally walk free of the chains that once scarred my wrists,
My hollow body, heart, mind, soul, fills once more with joy,
And I stop to think, why now? Why here?
But I realize now, the reason for it,
I am content with myself and who I am...
After everything I've been through,
I'm stronger, stronger as a person,
Along this journey I made a friend,
Myself,
And I am good enough for me, and that's all I ever really needed.

Slippery tongues,
And damaged lungs,
Your back inhales,
Against my digging nails,
1 kiss, 2 kiss, 3 kiss, 4
You make me feel so much more,
You left,
And took my breath,
Behind my back,
You attack,
Slippery tongues,
And damaged lungs.....

From your perspective this cage may look like a home,
But on the inside it looks like a prison,
Sometimes you let me out,
And in those moments I actually feel like a bird,
Sometimes I spread my wings to feel the wind,
And in those moments I can pretend I'm flying,
I dream of soaring away from here,
But you clipped my wings a long time ago,
I know why the caged bird sings,
Because maybe someone will hear it's cries,
Maybe someone will try to save it,
I just hope they aren't too late.

Did you burn everything he touched?
Even yourself?
Did you destroy everything he used?
Even yourself?
Do you hate everything he once loved?
Even yourself?
Did you break everything that reminds you of him?
Even yourself?
Did you forget it, all of it?
Even yourself?
Was he there for you more than anyone else?
Even yourself?
Does he hate you more than anyone else?
Even yourself?
Do you lie to everyone saying you're okay?
Even yourself?
Can anyone help you?
Even yourself?

I am like dirt,
I get walked all over, people kick me around for fun,
I am like dirt,
I am unappreciated, unnoticed, I'm never wanted until they need me,
I am like dirt,
They dig, and dig, and dig into me, until they hit a rock,
But it's only me telling them to stop, and when they hit that stop,
They just break through me, break my feelings, and keep going,
I am like dirt,
I can be gentle, I can be tough,
I am like dirt because,
I try to leave, run, hide, escape,
But where can I go? What can I do?
All I am is dirt.

We are lost in the galaxy of one another,
We have been all our lives.
I've been looking for you,
But it seems that you have no desire to be found.
I'm just waiting to love you,
So here I'll stay,
Floating in oblivion.
"Come I say, Come."

My vision begins to blur as my eyes drown in tears,
Things are getting fuzzy and black around the edges,
I can hear my mom in the background,
She's yelling, cussing, spitting threats at me,
I can't move or speak,
Everything starts to slow down, then violently speed up,
Suddenly I can feel my lungs burning as I gasp for air,
My whole body is shaking,
All I can do is mouth your name,
Wish for you to be there if my eyes do open,
Then everything stops,
No breathing,
No noise,
No movement,
Nothing

Wearing the fakest smile just to hide the pain,
I know that you feel it everyday,
I’m sorry it hurts, but life just happens that way,
I know it could **** you, but please just lose the fear,
It’d go real easy if you just shed it like tears,
How can’t you see that you’re still alive,
Even if you feel dead inside,
Don’t worry baby I could heal your wounds,
If you’d just let me really see you,
I could heal you,
And I’ll try to,
I could fix you,
If you want me to,
It may seem scary,
What I’ll have to do,
Baby I could heal you,
But who's going to save me?
Who's going to fix me?
You want to but you just can't,
I'll already be gone.

I can barely breathe,
But a part of me is okay with that,
My fingernails can't dig any deeper into my head,
I'm tired of the screaming,
I'm tired of the fighting,
I'm tired of the pain,
Some people are born with a purpose,
I am one of those meaningless beings,
I feel nothing,
I am nothing.

I feel his hands on my shoulders,
When I sink lower into the bath tub,
I feel his hands on my back,
When I sink lower under my covers at night,
I feel his hands on my neck,
When the pills sink lower down my throat,
I feel his hands on my waist,
When my finger sinks lower into my mouth,
I feel his hands on my ankles,
When I'm sinking lower into depression,
I feel his hands on the back of my head,
When I sink lower into the noose,
I feel his hands all over my body,
When I sink six feet lower into my grave.

Two legs, two arms, two eyes, and one heart for the two of us,
For you and I are one,
Let our hearts intertwine like the branches of a tree,
Let the pain subside, then look at me,
Let my passion fill your eyes,
Let the sorrow melt away,
Let yourself be free,
Let me show you what love feels like,
Let yourself fall for the way my eyes twinkle when one mentions the night sky,
Let me become your moon and stars,
Let me take you as my Galaxy,
Let me love you like one really should,
Let me be for you what you've never had but always needed,
Let me heal you,
Let me take away the hurt in your heart,
Lay with me on this bed of raw emotions,
Let yourself fall into me, the way I've fallen into you,
But you can't........... Won't
I was too much for you,
You couldn't handle that I loved you more than you would allow yourself to love me,
You could've loved me, but you chose not to,
Hearing you say I made you feel more love in a couple months than you had felt in your entire life, made me feel like I actually mattered,
But to hear you say you found someone new, crushed my soul in ways only broken love can.

I'm scared of being alone,
But I have been since you left.
I feel empty now,
You're gone and you took part of me with you.
I need to be whole, before I lose myself completely.
"If anybody could have saved me it would have been you."

While I was collapsed on the schools' bathroom floor,
Crying into my sweater sleeve.
I found out you should never mix not eating all day, and sobbing,
As I leaned towards the toilet gagging.
I dragged my body up off the floor,
Everything was spinning.
People in the hallways asked "Are you okay?"
I said I was,
Even though my shirt was still twisted sideways,
And the bottom of my backpack was still wet from the ground of the parking lot.
Not even death could fix how much this hurts.

It seems I've lost you to the dark unknown,
A place that lives inside me.
If you broke the space between us,
Around us,
That is us,
maybe you could find someway to love me. Maybe this time,
I'll let go.
Maybe one day this will all be real.
"I am rooted, but I flow"

I don’t know who I am.
Sometimes I feel like I’m not even real.
Not dead, just a little lost.
But very much alive.
Maybe, too alive.
Always thinking
I think until I self destruct
I think until I destroy every bit of reality
Breathing, living, existing.
All for nothing.
But it doesn’t hurt anymore.
I’ve come to accept insignificance.
Processed that there is no true meaning.
Nothing has a meaning.
If there’s no meaning, I can’t truly ruin everything.
With no meaning, comes emptiness but a little peace too.
Maybe I will find contentment in my absolute, utter uselessness.
Maybe, being nothing is okay.

The sky was so bright that day,
not even the sun could handle it,
The breeze was so gentle,
it was that of a million butterfly kisses,
The tree branches were so barren,
that they looked like the roots,
In the body of the tree,
you carved a heart that held a T,
and that's when you said you loved me,
Together, a year had gone by,
in the blink of an eye,
time really does fly,
You brushed the sand,
off the back of my hand,
again on the beach it lands,
As day turns to night,
the sky is still bright,
with the stars in sight,
and our hearts in flight,
We pick each other clean,
like petals of a flower,
As the beach wore our clothes,
we wore one another,
The hum of the music,
in sync with the hum of our bodies,
Side by side we lay,
the ocean slowly sways,
A tear falls from my eyes,
as the hatred within me dies,
And that's when I say,
I love you too.

There is something inside my head, ripping my brain to pieces, scratching at my skull,
My throat is the Sahara desert,
My eyes are Niagara Falls,
My stomach is a sanctuary for butterflies,
My heart is buried alive,
My body is the canvas for a knife and lighter,
My life is forgettable.

Gouge into my ribcage with your brutal hand,
And mual my beating, bleeding, mutalized heart while you still can,
You might as well,
It swell for you,
Now it's a nothingness that just grew and grew.

The fire you started in my heart has spread,
It's burning my lungs,
And all I want to do is breathe,
But I guess this is my fault,
I poured the gasoline,
I struck the match,
All you did was drop it,
So, yes this is indeed my fault,
I made choices,
I chose to love you,
I chose love, meaning I chose pain,
I'm like an alcoholic,
I wake in the morning drowning myself in sadness until I'm drunk on depression,
Then, I repeat the next day,
Some days I'm sober, clean,
And even though those days feel magical,
An addiction is an addiction,
And so far, I haven't found something worth breaking the habit.

I can't fight these waves anymore,
The tides are dragging me down.
I can feel the water filling up my lungs.
This feeling inside has become too heavy for me to keep my head above the salty sea.
I want to fight it, but it has finally taken over me.
"I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times."

Kitten,
Princess,
Sweet cheeks.
They feel like a kiss on the forehead,
Like fingers through your hair,
Like feet gently touching under covers,
They feel like “I love you”.
But I know they’re not.
I don’t want to hurt you,
And you don’t want to hurt me.
But how does that work if we’re both already hurt?
I’m stuck in the past,
You’re living in the present,
And there is no future.
This can’t be forever.
If only I could find someone who talks to me like you do, treats me like you do, makes me feel the way you do,
But they’re someone who wants to keep me.
Someone who will love me for more than a day.
But maybe that just isn’t out there for me.
Maybe a day is the most I’ll ever get.

That old familiar pull.
I feel like an old man who’s lost his wife.
He’s still here. Trying to take it one day at a time
But she calls to him
The siren song of an old friend
Wading in the waters of time
But mine isn’t a lost lover
Mine is that dark and eerie feeling of impending doom
That old familiar pull that tugs me away from the present
We live my life together
Watching from just above my body
That horrible horrible feeling is the only thing that’s ever really stayed
Always stepping on my toes when we slow dance in my head
Our silence is harmonious
Forever filling in my empty spots
I drift away in its cold arms  
That old familiar pull
It’s the soft pillow I scream into
The burning in my throat
The ringing in my ears
The sweet reminder that I can be somebody else, by not being anyone at all.

He loves me, he loves me not,
I pick petals off flowers like I count days passing in a week,
My future depends on the outcome of wishbones, fallen eyelashes, and blowing dandelions,
I love people like sunsets,
Enamored by their beauty, but they always leave too soon,
If only I could learn lessons as easy as I learn people,
No matter how little time I have before you disappear behind the horizon, I will have memorized all the pieces that make you,
I listen for you in everything I hear, I look for you in everything I see,
Lately things have been so blue, not like the blue in your eyes, or the lilies and delphinium,
Sometimes you’re the only ray of light on my dark days,
And maybe when night comes to stay, we’ll only have ever been short time lovers,
But your seat at my table will always be open,
And I will always feel so lucky to have experienced the magic you brought to me.