waking up with
sadness that lingers deep
a quiet aching

the yellow glow of the rising sun
gives me the gift of renewed hope
and gratitude for my breath and life
today

sipping my morning coffee
as you gently slumber in our bed
with life growing inside of you

we have a home with one another,
which is something I never dreamed of.

this sense of peace started with me asking help out of great silence, so I could awaken to your love

oh morning rain
wash away my pain
take away my shame,
and soften this heart of stone

morning moon flying high
in the waking sky
help me befriend the dark

oh darkness in my soul
help me accept you
so I may walk in the *Light

bird songs carry gently to my door
as I sit on my meditation cushion,
and for a brief moment silence explodes
into vivid life of connection

I hear the morning song of creation
bursting all around me and within me
the thumping of my heart beat is the drum
of the morning song that I can only feel and hear,
if I slow down and tune into my breadth

there is music everywhere, both out there and in me
a lovely symphony that I can perceive as a connective harmony,
when I quiet down and really listen with my whole being

As I listen my heart sings and my soul smiles
I am the morning song sung to the Creator
one of devotion, love and just being

dear friend do not loose hope
someday the shards of broken pieces
will be lifted out and placed
to create something new
a beautiful tapestry of color
and life lived through pain
to create a beautiful
mosaic

A faint mumur of what has been lost remains.
The words you spoke linger in my heart,
and yet the toxic way we related is gone.

Love remains despite all the hurt, joys and tears.

The laughter of a child's smile stirs my heart alive,
and I remember to embrace life.
I realize I am part of the bigger dream of the Creator,
and I sing a song of gratitude.

Love remains despite all the hurt, joys and tears.

After everything I am still standing and
saying a simple prayer,
*"Thank You."

1

Time erupts into infinity
a moment turns into eternity
as we exchange glances

2

Love bursts into happiness
a promise turns into a vow
as we begin life together

3*

We break out into laughter
a moment of intimacy grows
as we welcome a new life together

my heart melts into the infinite ocean.

i have been yearning and searching
to fill this God sized hole
in my heart.

my heart melts into the infinite ocean.

a vast emptiness i cannot fill
with my own power.
no external fix has ever been able
to fill this immense Nothing that
grows inside
of me.

my heart melts into the infinite ocean.

i stumble in the dark as
i am drawn to the rhythm of life.
the waves of the great ocean gently
call me to wholeness.

my body enfolds into oneness,
and my heart melts into the infinite ocean.

you and I stood in
silence

our hearts joined
as *one

corrosion of the soul
happens slowly but surely
by crushing grind of monotony.

each day society tells me my
value is based on my function and production,
and little by little I am crushed by failing expectations
that are not my own.

my soul slowly corrodes into nothing, but
out of the vast emptiness, life emerges again.
I yearn to be free, and this time I bear my
wounds with honesty and dignity. I am
unashamed about my soul being free to be me.

I have value period, not based on function or production,
but simply because I have a spark of life within me.
a divine spark that gives brith to new life
within me each day, each moment.

little moments break
                              into thousand little
                                                          fragments colliding into
                                                                       space and time

i used to think i was spiritual,
                              when in reality i was really
                                                                 chasing oblivion.

oblivion is bottomless and black,
                               but paradoxically it can be solid earth
                                                      in which i rise out of
                                                                  with the help of LIFE
                                                                              and LOVE.

it's a mystery that
             God does not hate me.  
                             everyday, i choose to
                                                  believe in a God that loves
                                                                                            me for
                                                                                                       me.

my true home rests in
the seat of my *heart

think think think

procrastinate
procrastinate
procrastinate

breathe

write write write

Beloved,
may my naked desire
rest in You
with delight.

little babe
when you nap
i get a little breather

A yawn
long  stretch
before I
set out in motion

may your song break through
the darkness of the night
and welcome the dawn

may your song give hopeless hearts
a taste of wondrous beauty
that touches even darkened souls

I will hold you close
and turn on the light

sun sets
thoughts quiet
breaths slow
body rests
heart awakes

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since u took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues

'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong

Nothing compares
Nothing Compares to you

I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor and guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl you better try to have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool

'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try

Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

i'm sitting sitting sitting
thinking thinking thinking
breathing breathing breathing
oh crap oh crap oh crap
i just remembered i forgot to send an email
thinking thinking thinking
anxious thoughts fearful thoughts planning thoughts

breathing breathing breathing
in out in out in out

breathing
breathing
breathing

in
out
in
out
in
out

(ding)

some days even when
everything in my life is in a crescendo
a part of me feels numb

a small part of me is numb to all the love,
all the joys, all the sadness, all emotions
all I feel is this numbness that comes out of
"a deep emptiness"

I know I cannot fill this vast emptiness,
so I cry out to a something greater than myself,
eventhough I don't have a clue what that might be

I embrace my numbness and accept that
life cannot be lived in extreme highs and lows
I want to embrace stability and not reject it as boredom

But some days I just want crawl into bed and not wake up
I feel so numb, and I have to remind myself that
"feelings aren't facts."

So I get out of bed and go through the motions
hoping against hope that someday my "deep emptiness"
is filled with an abiding love that will fill me to wholeness

fingers numb
as I wait for the bus
while snow falls.

my heart thumps
and blood circulates
to keep me warm.

my soul comes alive
even when I am physically
numb.

an inner fire burns
within me
to keep me warm.

I am free even
when I'm
numb and cold.

i've
        been
                   chasing
                   oblivion
                                    all
                                         my
                                    life.
                   today i
                   realized
         i'm
free                        
       to  
           just        
                   be.  
                            all
                                ­  life
                                          
               ­                            is
                                     beautiful,
                                 i just need to
                             stop long enough to
                                  really  accept
               ­                           life.

embrace the
infinite waves crashing
creating, destroying
melting into one

summer's gone away
the leaves are falling
and the night is pitch black

I miss the long days,
and the green leaves on trees
Oh why I gotta rake those leaves

the cold is a comin'
and the pretty colors
ain't do no good when I'm cold

but my heart starts to warm
when I remember that
my baby is by my side

Your love is not a drug
that binds me into self

My love for you is not the delusion
of chemical dependency that holds me
hostage

Our love frees and helps us grow
A love spoken and lived with
commitment and honesty

In order to be daily open to this love
we continue to discard old notions that
keep us imprisoned in ourselves

wholeness is just out of reach

then it hits me
I am still seeking something
external to make me whole

Instead I now go inward towards
my knawing emptiness
and I make friends with my
suffering and pain

now in my heart there is good soil
for seeds of hope and love to grow

I want to break every bone in my body
and if the whole ocean was made of *****,
it wouldn't be enough to satisfy my thirst.

I'm tired walking on the spiritual path,
I want to just give up.
But still here,
still walking
even though I want to
crawl up and die.

I can only give
what I have

may I practice
compassion and forgiveness
with myself,
so I can *pass it on

I await the coming of spring
with patient longing

I yearn for my cold heart
to be warmed by the sun

in loving you
I realized spring has been
in my heart all along

Drifting into oblivion
everything fades into a blur
a faint glimmer of hope lost

Swaying in the wind
weightless heading for a thousand swords
in a stream of fallen dreams

Grasping my heavy armor
I sink into the water
pierced by your nightmarish lies*

Where the truth is beyond the grave
poison lives within the veins
and from death we are but an inch away

Loneliness falls on me quietly like the last leaves of winter.
          I know I love You Creator, and yet I sometimes get lost in my own mind.
                      I fall into a pit of my own making and nurse my sadness like a
                      wounded cat.

I am loved by You, but sometimes it feels like its not enough.  I know this fact
in my head, but I don't always feel it with my being.
There are days where my foot steps feel heavy, and all I can do to do the next
right thing is not exploding at innocent stranger.

                       I feel numb.  I feel loved.  I feel found.  I feel lost.
                                       All of the above and more.
                      I am sailing in unknown waters, and I ask for Your guidance.

Walk with me Oh God, who loves the smallest of creatures.  Be in my steps.
                       Be with me in my loneliness.
                       Be with me as I wail against You, Be with me as I run towards You.
                       Be with me in my sadness and joy.  Amen.

the journey home is difficult ,
but worth every moment of struggle
to be at my father's celebration of my return.

my heart sings Your glory.
I am grateful I can be grateful,
when there was a time I used to
hate You because I thought You
were making life happen to me.

Thanks for not answering my daily prayer
of killing me in my sleep or checking out some other way.

Today, I am grateful for my breath and that I
can be unstuck from self-pity and despair.

Thanks for helping me be useful to You and Your other kids.

utter futility of self righteous anger
wraps it's dark cloud around me.
my brain becomes foggy, and my
perception becomes distorted.

love feels like hate, and pain feels like freedom.
my fear leads to anger, which leads to a split
second choice where my fists punch a concrete
wall.

my hand explodes with pain that spreads to my arms
and then to my whole body.  the pain numbs my inner
pain and discomfort.  I want to be a spiritual person, but
sometimes I'm just a frail human being afraid to feel hurt,
so I numb myself with pain.  Utter insanity to try to escape
suffering by self-harm, but that's what happens sometimes.

I am left facing the wall cradling my hand.  I am left with a feeling of utter futility.  My own powerlessness over my
self destructive behavior leaves me humbeled and willing to ask for help.  God, help me let go. Help me not harm myself and others.  Help me feel emotional discomfort without resorting to
punching walls.  Help me be free.

heaven and hell lives in me
the fires of my anger destroy
me from the inside

deep rage rises from nowhere,
and I feel deep compassion for myself
despite my short comings

I am both angel and demon
rolled  up into one
I love them both

with a quiet voice I sing
my praise for Thee

my heart beating its beat
my mouth songs harmony

I sing a song for Thee
that carries on till eternity
even if my words are lost at sea
I have whispered my love for Thee

"Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude."-- A.A. Milne

sometime I feel so much
rage inside of me

deep seated anger seethes
usually lying dormant till
it's called out

no matter how spiritual I get
I haven't been able to befriend
my anger

anger boils to rage
and I want to take it out on
the people closest to me

the wheel of suffering turns
and I feel so powerless

a well of anger
              explodes inside of me. i no longer want to hold it in. i'm
full of      fear.  don't know how to express anger in healthy ways.

my outbursts last fraction of a second, but that's all you need to
put a fist through a wall.  

i've put on my nice polite mask for too long.
it feels like it's all for naught.  

am i my anger?  am i my fear?
all i can now is to embrace the parts
of me that i don't like and turn to
it to say, "thank you for coming.  
i love you."

my anger smiles back and
loves me back.  
my fear turns into hope.

my mask falls to the ground
to prepare the soil for new life
to grow.

water falling from the sky
to wash away my shame