I’m better
When i think about you i don’t feel like
I can’t breathe anymore
I don’t hold my breathe anymore
I don’t take it for granted anymore
I inhale deeply
And i remember what it feels like
To be deprived
To be suffocating

they call it a crush, because if the person doesn’t feel the same way

, then you become crushed

i wonder if you see the fear in my eyes
when you show me your love
in hopes that i will compromise,
but i know i am not enough.
so instead i shove your face between my thighs
in hopes that, that will be enough.
because you see my dear,
no love lives here
can you smell the fear?
can you taste it?
as i open my legs for you?
as i lie in a bed for you you?
as my body begs for you?

sometimes i check on you
to see if you're still where i left you
where i met you
in the past
in the last bits of my adolescence and memories

in the renderings of broken dreams
and silly nightmares
when things aren't what they seem

and sometimes i think you meet me there too
...to see if im still broken
or lost without you
to see if i had mispoken
when i spoke of being through
to see if i was just mad and didn't know what to do

sometimes in my dreams
i'll let you love me
and i let you hold me
and i'll let you kiss me
and unfold me
because i know you miss me
and we're with no one to scold me
with no standards to uphold me

sometimes i miss you
so you visit me in my dreams
in between the scenes of the seams
you look for me in her
and you look for me in me
in places that are obscure

because we are unable to be
in this more than real life
because decisions you have made,
so you look for girls like me.
to one day be your wife

one of a kind
so although you look for me
you know you'll never find
the woman that i'll be
the woman that i've become
who'd you thought one day 'd have your son

the girl you see in dreams
is no longer yours
is no longer front and center
is no longer fore

you see the girl in dreams
and although you slip between
the cracks of all the seams
sometimes you'll get a look
and it'll make you feel a gleam
and other time's you'll get a peek
i see it when you sneak

you see me in my dreams
you travel through this fine line
to see me in my mind
to defy the realm of life
to see me one more time

I cut my hair
so you could not catch me
I cut my hair
so you could not grab me
when I ran away





I guess
         I did not
                          cut
                                   my hair





                                                  short­ enough

she looked at me like i was important
.... like i mattered
and she touched me like i was fragile,
but had not yet been shattered
she kissed me with such passion
and handled me with such care
she spoke to me with much grace
and raked her fingers through my hair
she caressed my skin with her tongue
and graced my body with her lips
blessed my being with her touch
as she tiptoed to my hips
she ventured through my thighs
as she stared in my eyes
gave my body a surprise
she looked at me like i was important
her eyes said that i matter
as she looked in my soul
and took it shortly,
latter.

when it came
to me
and you
I always
chose you
and you
always
chose
you
too

she was art 
she was the part 
that no one could account for
greatness in her contour 
creativity seeping from out of her pores 
dripping onto floors 
like wet paint 
she ain’t 
ordinary 
every bit of her 
extraordinary 
and she wore it very coronary
as if it were a crown 
and if you were to look down 
on her head 
what she said 
was more than remarkable
the fire she kept 
inside her re spark-able
like a fuse 
she is everyone’s muse 
truly an inspiration 
a beautiful creation 
freckles aligned on her face
like constellations
refusing to be complacent
adjacent from
a galaxy that glistens
driven by ambition 
as she paints herself with liquin
colors vibrated against her skin 
you can hear them closely,
if you listen
you could hear them as she spoke
her breath strokes like brush strokes 
ever so soft and subtle 
her palette slightly muddled 
as oranges and blues cuddle
leaving dull minds fuddled 
nothing can suddle such a divine mechanism
but her scheme vibrant with rhythm 
seeing the world in her vision 
through her own prism
consuming herself in the bristles 
she is blissful
every curl in her hair wistful
as every lock wrapped around
one another twistful
she was sublime
as she saw herself as redefined
soaking herself in turpentine
painting a new path
like a phoenix, she arose
from the ash
bouncing back
like stretched canvas
she grabbed in a hand, with
gesso in the other
making her slate blank
to enjoy different palettes
and different paints
an artist 
unable to part with 
success

please do not smother me
                

                 smothering implies force
           it implies suppression
       aggression
    oppression
  Or asphyxiation
it is something not being wanted

         instead engulf me in your love
    let me be immersed in it
cradle me in it
Coddle me
shelter me
                
                        let me breathe
          
                              So i can appreciate it
                   and feel it all around me
             that makes it so much better
      ever so soft
      ever so loving
      ever so gentle

                 I understand why you want to smother
        
                                 i do
      
                          but you’re somebody
                     you’re important
                You’re love is important
        the best thing you can give along with       your time.
   It’s valuable,
so you shouldn’t give it if it is not unwanted

                           even to me

                        Or at least don’t make it a habit with anyone
                you see
        because you are too precious
    and valuable
    and important
    but thank you

                                I do
                          I appreciate the gesture and the thought.
                     I do
                  I want your love but not like that
           just not that way
       just not by suffocation
 I want to be engulfed in it

                     there’s a difference

and so, he said to me, “Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure you want me? Because once I fall in love, there is no turning back. I love hard, and I will be obsessed with you I will smother you”.

    

                                                                                                  please do not smother me; 
                 

                              smothering implies force. 
                        It implies suppression,
                   maybe a hint of aggression, 
              with a dab of oppression 
          and a handful of asphyxiation.
      In which one kills another,
   by with the stifling of breath and emotion.
It is the death of something.

       
          
               Instead engulf me in your love;
          let me be immersed in it.
cradle me.
coddle me. 
shelter me.
                
                         let me breathe,
          
                             
                 so that I can appreciate it
                       and feel it all around me;
                that makes it so much better.
      ever so soft.
      ever so loving. 
      ever so gentle. 

                

           I understand why you want to smother,
I do.
                                  Why you want to cover parts of me
                              that you feel are light-filled.
                          Watering me with muddled emotions and actions
                     that you feel are quite harmless, but understand;
                like flowers overwatered,
             and placed in the shade
        death will become me.
         I too,
    struggle with the feeling to
repress and restrain
                                           
                                         I do 
      
                         

        
                         , but you’re somebody too
                     you’re important.
                Your love is a torrent;
        the best thing you can give along with,  
your time. 
   It’s valuable, 
so you shouldn’t give if it is unwanted 

                          


                                     even to me;
   especially to me
                      

        
                     or at least don’t make it a habit with anyone 
                 you see 
           because you are too precious 
      and too valuable 
   you say I am special,
but you too, are important 
                 

                , but thank you 

                                
         I do,
                           appreciate the gesture and the thought; 
                     I do.
                  I want your love but not like that.
               I really do,
           just not that way.
       Just not by suffocation. 
 I want to be engulfed in it…

                    
there’s a difference,
        I do not want to die… I do not want to suffocate.

today I missed you.
I missed something so toxic
something noxious
that I couldn't breathe
that I couldn't believe
what had happened
I couldn't believe the time that had passed and,
it made me sick
to my stomach
as I began to plummet
into...
memories

street lights
                                      you are a street light
                                                       guiding me
                                 through this bleak night
                                        a fluorescent being
                                 in a pubescent evening
                          so dark
                     and the most difficult part
                is it’s hard to see
             which way to go
         and which way to be
     I can’t decipher
   so I follow you
until your light
becomes brighter
the burn in the fire
the spark in the wire
this flame will not tire
so that it can guide me
so that you can hide me
from all of this darkness
from all of this harshness
so you can disguise me
  into some brave girl
    who is not afraid of this cruel world
         devise me
                   a plan
             so i can stand tall
                  so i can forget it all
                       so that I can walk in the night
                      without following street lights
                 so that I can appreciate the bright
                                   when i am in darkness
                                   but for now drench me
                                        in your fluorescence
              while the evening is still pubescent

i am a hopeless romantic
with suicidal antics
that cant seem to love herself

she cant seem to nudge herself
out of depressive episodes
but she has expressive goals
to fall in love

to call on love
for several favors
and she has several wagers
that "this one will be 'the one'"
that what ever is done
can be undone
and that she will be okay
because one day love will fix it all

she is a pathetic romantic
with an optimistic aesthetic
and a manic
personality

i no longer have the time,
to coddle the feelings of others
who have disregarded the emotions
i have confided

i no longer have the will,
to beg for the love of people
who don't deserve mine...

i no longer have the heart,
to hold on to, and give my all to
someone, who will
not give even a fraction to me

i no longer have the patience
to apologize for things
that are not my fault

i am growing out of the mindset,
to be upset.
to rant and to rave.
to hurt, and to hold grudges.
to be petty,
and to strain my heart.
... my patience has run thin for those types of things


..... and for things of that such

can't let go
I grasp I take hold
And I can't let go
My hands sweat and slip but I grasp harder
Wondering if it would have been smarter
to just not grasp at all
To just surpass it all
Because now the collapse of it all is on me
And things like this don't have a plan b
... so I think
Wondering about the correlation
Connecting the links
the what ifs
Pleading the fifth to all the things I can't explain
Perspiration runs now like rain down my finger tips
Under looking the bliss
Measuring the ignorance
Memories like fingerprints engraved on us two
Enslaved to the emotions and memories of you
I wish that I would not have taken hold of you
Hands stuck as if glued
With vision skewed
And thoughts just as lewd
Wishing our hearts did not have **** encounters
Wishing that thoughts transcribed were not vouchers
Feelings and emotions for you cower in my brain
Perspiration from my hand like rain makes a puddle
As your actions are rebuttaled
I notice the subtle grit in your voice
the off step in your poise
hands overly moist
overlooking the choice to let go
aching to let go
Heart in hand
hand in heart
I can start to feel the asphyxiation
how can I deal with the gratification of vacancy?
The truth in the blatancy
So I wait and see what will happen
Stuck in the latency of entrapment
A stagnant motion
The collapsing notion of lungs  
A grasp that has my neck rung
Hand in heart
Heart in hand

thank you.
thank you for showing me
what love is not.
so when i find it,
i know what
it is

please do not confuse me
with the person i used to be
she does not live here anymore
we are no longer linked
we are no longer synced
she does not reside here,
I am not her anymore